Category: baseball

Clean Water in Cleveland, Again

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Clean Water in Cleveland, Again

I really didn’t watch or listen to the Sox game but I was keeping tabs on it. I looked at the 2nd inning and it was 1-0. Then I don’t know what the hell happened, I blinked or something, and it was 4-0, Cleveland. I threw my hands in the air. I swore. I cussed out Price so bad. 30 fucking million dollars for nothing. 30 million!! And he can’t fucking pitch worth a damn! And the Sox bats were cold as fucking ice. We were shut out. Final score was 6-0. We have to win Sunday with Clay on the mound. It’s extremely unlikely but I have hope.

I have been eating like a pig since I have some home. I didn’t eat much today. I had a donut with my coffee and then I didn’t have anything else until dinner. After dinner, I had two boiled eggs and some cookie butter. Then I decided to make some pumpkin fluff which is going to be the death of me. It is so fucking awesome. I don’t think it is going to last until Tuesday when I see my therapist. I was going to share it but it might just be mine. My sweet tooth is in high gear and I think I am PMS’g, which isn’t a good thing. I just finished a pack of pills or rather just started a new pack, I forget. I just know I have gone through at least 4 packs and that is usually an indication that I am due for breakthrough bleeding. Oh Joy, just what my suicidality needs.

If the fluff doesn’t last, I will just make a pumpkin cake again. That will last a while. I just need to get more pumpkin. My back is feeling a lot better so I might be able to make it to the grocery store tomorrow to get some more. I hope they aren’t sold out. That will really suck. I just had a stroke of genius…place the fluff on top of the cake. It will be super yummy!! HA! Sweet tooth galore! That is if it survives the weekend…

I had wanted to print off my book tonight but I am not feeling up for it. I hate so much fluff that I am kind of full and sleepy. I just took my meds so I should probably wake up soon. Never fails that my meds wake me up rather than knock me out. I don’t get it because if I take them during the day, I am sleeping all day. Doesn’t make any sense.

I found out today that one of the world’s greatest suicidologists has died. Dr. Terry Maltsberger has passed away. I am glad to have met him at a conference in 2012 in Baltimore. I had him sign a chapter that he wrote in the Aeschi book. I read many things that he had wrote. He was brilliant and had great empathy for suicidal patients. He will be deeply missed.

Clean Water in Cleveland

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Clean Water in Cleveland

My Sox lost to the Indians tonight. The starting pitcher gave up like 4 homeruns. It was ugly. We were able to get within a run but never quite retook the lead. I am upset because I really thought “Pretty Ricky” was going to lead us to victory. Now we have to depend on Price and Bucholz to get us through to Boston. I hope we don’t lose three in a row but it is possible if our bats don’t start flying.

I am kind of upset that I have to wait more than a month for the stupid CBT sessions to begin. This is going to torture me. Then the LTD paperwork came in for my yearly review. I have to fill it out this weekend and send it back. Oh Joy! I have so much stuff to do and I don’t want to do anything. I read some more of the Oliver Sacks book, which is quite boring. I might toss it into a fire to use when I am cold, and I am not a book burner by any means. That’s how bad this book is to me. I don’t find any of the cases interesting in the least. Why my psychiatrist recommended it, I have no clue. It’s a terribly written book. I don’t know why I bought it as I knew I would hate it.

I watched a movie tonight before the game started. I watched “For the Love of the Game”. It’s one of my favorite baseball movies.

I am officially out of my regular pain meds. I am hope that I can get to my PCP’s office tomorrow without too much pain. I will take some strong pain meds with me just in case as that is all I have at the moment. I took a shower with some severe pain and had to sit down a few times so it’s questioning my decision to make this decision out to Boston. I wish I could have someone drive me into town but there is no one and I don’t have money for a cab. This just sucks. I hope I am worrying for nothing.

Had to put the ceiling fan on because it’s hot in my room for some reason. I still have the AC in. I know the minute I take it out, the temp is going to be in the 80s again. We always have an Indian summer. I just hope the fan doesn’t cause my back to cramp up on me. Lately I have been getting spasms around my waist and they have been so painful that sometimes I can’t breathe or move. They don’t last long but they are sure uncomfortable.

Sad Day in Baseball

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging

Sad Day in Baseball

I woke up and checked Twitter like I normally do. I saw that Jose Fernandez was trending. That is sometimes a good or a bad thing. Then I saw a tweet that say RIP and I had to click on the trend to find out what happened to him. He was a great young pitcher for the Marlins. Apparently there was a boating accident and he was one of three victims. I feel so bad. A few of the Sox that knew him are taking it very hard. On WEEI, they had a commercial with his voice for 5 hour Energy. I had no idea who he was until I looked him up. I usually don’t pay attention to players on teams other than the Red Sox.

Sox don’t play until 1300. It’s going to be a solemn game. The Rays were going to have a ceremony for Big Papi but he requested to cancel it in light of the accident and death of his friend. The Rays informally presented him with some gifts. Papi is retiring at the end of the season.

I watched part of the game while making my pumpkin cake. It was sad whenever they mentioned Jose. Sox are leading right now 2-1. I hope the score stays that way. My cake came out so very good. I had two slices. I don’t think I am going to eat anything the rest of the day. It’s very filling.

Baseball Game and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Baseball Game and other things

My Sox won tonight, 2-1. It’s their 9th straight win. I am so elated, or I would be if I wasn’t in serious pain. They need 4 games to win the division, 2 to make it to the playoffs. I didn’t think they would make it this far. The season has been so rocky and up and down. No matter what, I am proud of this team. I just hope their luck continues to grow.

I went through the book, “Night Falls Fast” and while going through it to find a quote, I came across a passage that was all too familiar to me. It was/is what I deem, my suicide note. It is perfectly written to convey to those around me what I feel. I didn’t write it. It was written by another lost soul who did die by suicide.

It raining. I am hearing the rain beat against my AC and I love the sound of the patter. It’s been a long summer drought with no rain at all. We need it. The temp has also dropped to the 60s, which is probably why my pain is up.

I got an email from the Mighty. They are unable to accept my blog at this time. I don’t know if that means they will use it in the future or what but it doesn’t look like they will. I am kind of bummed. I emailed my psychiatrist with the news. I haven’t heard back from her. I haven’t texted my therapist about it. I will tell her when I see her on Tuesday. I will cheer her up when I bring her the pumpkin cake I plan on making.

This sucks that I want to go to sleep but am in so much damn pain, that it’s impossible. As it’s been a while since my last dose of pain meds, I took some of my regular pain meds. I am hoping they kick in soon. I really don’t want to be up all night. I know I should read some as that will probably calm my brain down some in a way but I don’t feel like reading. I am reading the book called the “Dark Tide”. It’s about the molasses flood that occurred in Boston in 1919. Before the collapse of the giant tank, there were warning signs that were ignored. There is nothing I hate more than knowing that a disaster could have been prevented in hindsight. Like in the book, “Dead Wake” the author alludes that the Germans know the whereabouts of the ship and the US knows they know but they don’t do anything about it. So 1200 people die because of this. It’s just sad.

I just thought of something. If I go out tomorrow to get the ingredients for the cake, that means that I will have to rest Sunday, when I wanted to make it then. I guess I will have to make it Monday. Planning to do things when you have chronic pain is such a bitch, especially when that pain involves you standing and walking. Unreal. I really hate my life. I wish Cauda Equina Syndrome never entered my life for the second time. I was doing really well before I got hit again with it. I was working two jobs, close to forty hours between the two. Then all hell broke loose. I still don’t know what caused my L2-L3 disc to herniate so bad that it crushed my nerves. It’s a mystery.

Times like this, I think about my date and the relief that I will have once I kill myself. The sad part is, I have a ways to go to walk to my destination and I am not sure I can do it if my ankle is not cooperating. I could take a cab to my destination. That I have thought about. I hope it doesn’t come to that. I will be sad, well sadder than I already am. It’s not anytime soon so no one get their panties in a twist. I just like to fantasize about killing myself because it brings me some relief. It lessens the burden of my pain and the weight on my chest.