Category: Bipolar Disorder

Free falling with no safety net

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Free falling with no safety net

I didn’t think I would write a post today. I had been working on my office, going through my stuff, throwing away, recycling, or giving to goodwill. I was hurting but it was bearable. I didn’t eat much all day. I really have no appetite. I had a protein bar at like 3 am and didn’t eat again till twelve hours later. I made a custard pie that took forever because my oven sucks. I had a slice of that. It was so good.

Right now my right heel and my left metatarsals are competing as to who is going to hurt more. Right now my left is (the CRPS one). I am having so many symptoms of CRPS right now that I doubt I will sleep even though I am exhausted.

I was talking to my mother about my desk. She doesn’t want to get rid of it. FFS. My sisters and I had agreed to toss it because it is much to large and heavy to move. It is too big for my bedroom. And there would be no point if they end up tearing my rug out. I think the floor is rotten and needs to be done because there have been spots that have some up through the rug and we aren’t sure why. It might be mold. I know the drywall where my headboard is needs to be redone because the bubbling has spread. Whether or not that is due to mold, I have no clue. I don’t understand why it wasn’t addressed when I wasn’t moved in and it could have been replaced. But my room had just been painted and I think they didn’t want to mess with it. I don’t know. I just go along with things.

My aunt had come over and between her and my mother calling me my birth name and “she”, it set off my gender dysphoria. My boobs still feel really heavy. I know I am losing weight because I have no appetite. I can’t wait till next week when I can order my chicken patties and fish. I won’t be able to place my order until Wed, though I am not sure I will be able to as I need to pay off my cell phone in full on Monday, which doesn’t leave me with much afterwards. My full check on Wed will need to go toward all my bills.

I am listening to Celine Dion. I bought a few songs of hers that I haven’t listened to in a while. Seems Amazon has a knock off version of her songs and I foolishly bought 4 and then had to buy the correct 4. Damn assholes. I hate iTunes worse so I will stick with Amazon for now.

Left foot has gone berserk. I thought I had the phone far enough away but I didn’t. It is now buzzing intensely from the sound waves. I just took a melatonin to help me sleep. I hope it overrides the exhaustion to make me sleep. Tomorrow is my father’s birthday. He would have been 87. My sisters and I plan on going to the track. I really don’t want to as I don’t gamble (I have no clue how to bet on horses). I rather just have a family dinner. I was overruled. I don’t seem to have a say for anything anymore. I feel like I don’t matter to my family at all. Just adds gas to the suicidal fire. Last night, I wrote another suicide note. I think I took a pic of it and posted it on Twitter, not knowing if anyone can read my scribble. It was handwritten. I have been trying all day not to think about my dark side and now, with the pain, it is so hard to fight it. I might as well give in. I am not worth anything. As my chemistry teacher told me long ago, we are just a bag of chemicals. That is all we are.

Moving Sugarland song

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

Don’t feel like writing today. Did too much and pain is horrible.

Here is a song that is running rampant in my head. Hope you like it

Bugger of a day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bugger of a day

I got up around 11. I needed coffee and something to eat as I barely had anything yesterday except protein bars. I went to my sister’s apartment to use her Keurig. My mug that my BFF in Canada was there. Sadly, whatever they did to wash my mug, all the lettering had come off and what remained was the heart. I feel really bad about this because the mug means so much to me. A person who loves me sent me something they made out of their love for me. I shouldn’t have left it downstairs but I forgot it and didn’t think it would get “wrecked”. Anyways, I made my coffee and then brought it upstairs so I could make an egg burrito. I could barely finish the burrito.

My sister had texted me saying to go through some stuff in the living room. My ankle was already flaring even before I made my coffee. After I ate, I had some stuff thrown away, some to good will and the rest I kept. I have one chess set I will be donating to a chess club in the town over from me. The meet in a square not too far from me, just down the street with the bus. I sent them a message so I hope I get a response. I didn’t go through the clothes that were in my closet. My back and ankle were already telling me to stop so I did. I retreated to my room. I saw the likes of my bed and I had to do the bedding today. I rested for a bit after taking some pain meds. I played on my phone until I started to get really “lazy” and then started taking off the bedding. I had to rest because my back kept cramping up on me. Then I got the clean sheets and put them on after I positioned the foam where it should be. I know it isn’t going to stay in place; it never does. I need to get either a mattress thing to hold it or for another $25 buy a gel foam topper. I am kind of hesitant to get the gel foam only because people that have reviewed it says it makes them hot. I cannot tolerate being hot so I don’t want to spend the $50 for it and then suffer. The one thing that is sure of is that it won’t slip like the foam.

After I did that, I had to shower. I was sweating and smelled because I had not showered in a few days. By the time I shaved and showered, my foot/ankle and back were killing me. I was done. It took me three fucking days to change my bedding. I hope that I can keep my bed clear of stuff, though every time I say this, it never happens. Shit in the one corner accumulates and then when I need to change my sheets, it is overwhelming. I am going to try and clear out one drawer of my bureau so I could put my boxers in it. I have to decide what I am going to do with my old scrubs. They no longer fit me as I have gained so much weight. I guess I will send them to goodwill. I don’t know what else to do with them. I have two drawers that I use for different things other than clothes. One is to store my medication and supplements, the other my memorabilia of my beloved Sox. I honestly have no clue what the bottom two drawers and the last drawer hold. But whatever is in it, can be given to goodwill as I haven’t worn it in years.

I hope my foot doesn’t act up but I can tell it is already. It started to get cold about an hour after my shower. It still feels cold and is getting painful. Last night I took Neurontin around six. Seems like I will be doing the same tonight, though it is half past right now. I had not done much the past two days. I went out yesterday just to get some more Gatorade. I also checked on my prescription and was told it would be in today. I had called and they said it would be about two hours for it to be ready. Next thing I know, my PCP’s nurse called to say that my doc will be sending it to another pharmacy because the one I sent it to didn’t have it in stock and doesn’t know when it will be. I was bullshit! I sent a tirade to their Twitter account. The fact they didn’t have the decency to call me is absurd! I don’t think I will be their customer anymore. I have had it.

Because my foot is bothering me, I am just going to try and finish the Harry Potter book. I haven’t read it in a few days because it is the part where Voldemort comes back and I *hate* reading it. But soon as I finish this book, I can move on to the next one, The Order of the Phoenix. I like that one better, even though Sirius dies at the end. I should ask JK Rowling what happens to Ron, Hermione, and Harry as they didn’t have their last year of Hogwarts and didn’t take their NEWT exams. She never talked about it at the end of Deathly Hallows. I am just curious. I have no idea if there is a graduation party like we have with high school or do they not get a diploma? I don’t know if the question has ever been raised. It is interesting though to think about.