Category: Bipolar Disorder

Doc appt and Mixed Drinks about Feelings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Doc appoint and Mixed Drinks about Feelings

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3CMdMIQWMo

My appointment went well. I had to update my entire medical history but it didn’t take long as most of it was already in the computer. I did have to update my medications as there have been changes in the last two years. I see her in a year and but before the appointment I need to have blood work. I hope I remember.

I didn’t sleep well, again. I went to bed late and then woke up at 4 and 5. I got up at 0615 to shower. I was hoping to snooze but I knew that would be a bad idea. So I got dressed and caught the bus to the square. I had my mocha and did some writing in my journal as I was sitting in my “spot”. The place was empty so I had no distractions. I wasn’t as paranoid either. It was raining when I left my house but by the time I got to the square it stopped. I was so made because I had to carry the stupid umbrella around for nothing. It was too big to put in my bag. Then the sun came out and I was really cursing because I didn’t bring my sunglasses. I just want to go to bed and I will after this blog.

I emailed my psychiatrist about the appointment. I haven’t heard back yet. I am glad that she told me that doc that I saw today was good. She seemed caring. And she wasn’t freaked out by my psych history. She made sure that I had psych providers but didn’t contact them. That was my biggest fear. That she would send me to the psych emergency room or wait till my psychiatrist called her back before leaving. Like all doctors these days, she wants me to lose weight. I don’t see how this is possible as I am not an active person. I am going to ask my PCP if I can go on an appetite suppressant to lose weight. Restricting calories and shit just isn’t for me. I love food too much to try and stop myself from eating bad and eating good just costs too much.

I am glad she didn’t ask if I was psychotic lately. It sucks that I have to be on two different antipsychotics but so be it. There are risks involved but they outweigh the benefit. I am glad I have a psychiatrist that watches me closely and cares.

“no use fighting the fight, there’s no contest tonight” Eric Church

Quote of the Day 20 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicidality, suicide

A burnt out person whose whole life was a kind of chronic suicide, a living death, a life without ambition seemingly without purpose–Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

Wiped Out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wiped Out

I went to see my father today. I had to go to Stop and Shop to get one of his meds and while I was there decided to get some powerade. I got seven bottles and didn’t take into account their weight. I drank one while I was at my father’s because I was thirsty and I figured it would lessen the load. Wrong. I had to walk all over the building because he wanted me to check his mail and empty the trash. When I left and got to the station, I realized I had his keys in my pocket so had to go back to return it. My ankle wanted to kill me. I found the ace bandage and was wearing it. I have a nice indentation of the swelling marks from all the walking that I did. I am so glad I didn’t wear my OSU hoodie. I would have died as it got really warm when I left my father’s. I was sweating by the time I finally hit the final stretch home. I am tired and I am glad my mother didn’t go out shopping today because I wouldn’t answer the phone.

I am really tired. I didn’t sleep well and been going since 0400. I did manage to call my doctor’s office and got an appointment for tomorrow morning. Like crack of dawn morning. I have to leave my house at 0700 to be there on time. I am going to be sore as anything tomorrow. I have to be up by at least 0600. I am going to try and take a shower tonight. Depends on how cooperative my ankle is later. I last took a shower yesterday morning, like at 0200 because I thought it would relax me to go back to sleep. Yea right. I am sure I will sleep tonight, though. I won’t take any Neurontin but I will take a couple of Ativan. I hope that will ease the soreness. I hope I don’t have to go through the entire history of why I need hormone pills to stop my menses.

I gave in and bought Eric Church’s new album and I am glad I did. I love this album! I haven’t stopped listening to it. There isn’t a song that I don’t like. I have two songs that I constantly have on repeat. One is obviously, Mr. Misunderstood. They other is “Mixed Drinks about Feelings”. I printed out the lyrics for my therapist. There is a chance I might see her next week, depends if I get the Zipcar card. I got approved for Zipcar today. I am so excited. I got wheels when I want them, which is good because my father needs to see his doctor. I had to cancel his last appointment due to lack of transportation.

My mood is just tired. I am still depressed and kind of suicidal but not so much. I just feel blah, not caring about anything. The voices are still kicking around but are not too “loud”. I think that is because I am so tired. If I was anxious or agitated, I think the story would be different.

This month I decided to keep track of how many times I use the bus and train to see if buying a monthly pass was worth it. It is, as my preliminary data shows. I haven’t passed the dollar mark, but I am close to it, and the month isn’t over yet.

Break in Sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Break in Sleep

I can never sleep a full 6 hours anymore, even with drugs that are supposed to make you sleepy. I just woke up a little while ago. I had to go to the bathroom and I figure I write a little bit. I am still under the effects of the Neurontin and will be going to bed shortly. I have decided to skip my meds tonight. I just don’t give a fuck. I am still pissed off that this doctor didn’t write a goodbye letter or let me know she was leaving. Least my PCP had a curtesy of writing a letter before he departed.

I am so nervous of seeing another doctor. I am just afraid that I will say the word suicide and they will freak out. Or ignore me like the doctors did when I first saw them. They never asked me if I was currently suicidal or anything. I might as well have been saying to them turkeys or something. But with the new doc, I don’t know if I can say the “s” word and still walk out of the office unescorted. I was never depressed with getting my premenstrual stuff. I was just extremely suicidal. I was in the worst pain of my life and I wanted to die very badly. Then the “switch” would go off and I wouldn’t be as suicidal. It was like a relief that the pain went away and I wasn’t thinking of ending my life. It had nothing to do with being TG. I wasn’t even out when I saw the doctor, or I was just coming to terms with being TG.

I just hope that I can be seen within the next three weeks because that is all I have left of my pill pack, actually it’s more like two weeks of pills that I have. I am trying hard not to take ALL of the pills for this week as I just have the fuck its really bad, which is why I am not taking more meds tonight because I am afraid adding oxcarb to the Neurontin is going to cause an interaction and I am going to be more foggy than anything.

I am starting to bleed heavier so I had to switch to female underwear and female products. I feel so degraded.