Category: Bipolar Disorder

Lots of things and crashing after

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, medical, mood disorders, psychache, transgender

Lots of things and crashing after

I woke up around 5 for some reason that I don’t remember now. I think I was in pain as I remember taking a pain med. I was hoping this was not going to cause me to be in bed all day as I really wanted to change my sheets. I fell back to sleep and hoped for the best.

I woke up with my med alarm blaring. I felt okay. I definitely needed coffee. I was hungry. That was the first time in three weeks I woke feeling hungry. Maybe my sodium was back up. I still feel better but kind of sluggish. I went downstairs after stripping the bed and then used the bathroom. I made breakfast and coffee. My mother wanted a cup so I made her one as well. I found this transgender article and was totally confused by it because it is not how I felt. But I decided to leave it where it was so I could read it later. After I ate, I put the throw in the dryer and then the blanket in the washer. I just had the sheets to do.

I went back upstairs to find my sheets. Before I put them on, I duct taped the corners of the top of my mattress so the damn foam topper wouldn’t go anywhere. I hoped anyway. My back was giving me grief. I had taken a shower before I got upstairs. I had shaved, too. I was sweating by the time I wrestled with the sheets. I was trying to even out the top sheet I didn’t bother to tuck it in. Then I got the comforter and the pillowcase. I put the comforter on and the pillowcase on the pillow. I couldn’t find the extra pillow case for the pillow that goes between my knees. I said fuck it. My back was killing me, I was wiped out, I felt like I was going to pass out and I did. I slept for three fricken hours. I guess the sodium isn’t as high as it should be. I know it is getting there as I am kind of feeling better. The big test is that I am getting my groceries tomorrow. If I survive that without sleeping for the day, I guess I am doing better. If I sleep all day, then I am still fatigued from the low sodium.

I read this article https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/24/opinion/sunday/vaginoplasty-transgender-medicine.html. And it was a MTF. I honestly have not come across too many trans that feel this way. I certainly have never felt this way but I am not going to have phalloplasty. It is a complex surgery and I just do not want to go through with it. I just want to be flat chested and grow a beard. The things raised in this article scare me because I don’t ever want my hormones to be in jeopardy. I know that losing my breasts has to be dealt with. I have thought about it so many times. I mean, I am sort of attached to them. I wish they never were formed so I didn’t feel that way but now that they are sort of shrinking slowly, I am glad. It was a huge part of my dysphoria to have breasts when I didn’t want them. I know eventually, I will have to have top surgery and getting a good surgeon is key because I have heard horror surgeries where the surgeon doesn’t care and just does a bad job. Granted this was just in the UK, but I am hoping to find one in the Boston area that is considerate and doesn’t cause nerve damage or anything. That is further down the road as I am not there yet. I don’t know if I can talk about this with my therapist or not. He doesn’t seem to know a lot about transgender and I am kind of pissed because on the website I found him at, said that he did. I am not sure if I will have to find another therapist to deal with the dysphoria or not.

This female is having doubts about getting surgery to have a vagina implanted. I don’t understand why she would go through something like that if it is going to cause her more emotional pain than what she is already in. And I still cannot believe a surgeon would do it when there are doubts. I am not saying my transition has made me bone fide happy, but it has relieved a lot of the tension I was feeling not going through the transition and having to wait so much from the LGBT clinic and then I met my doctor and she is all like when do you want to start. Like seriously, in one visit, I am on hormones. I understand the LGBT taking things slow and working things out but I have known the last ten fricken years, maybe more than that, that I am NOT a fucking female. I am a fucking male. I hate getting misgendered! It really drives me crazy and Microsoft doesn’t recognize misgendered. How fucking lovely.

I have my shot this week. I am excited because I get to do the selfies and post a little bit about changes. Honestly, other than thicker leg hair, there hasn’t been much since last week. I keep getting complimented on the facial changes but I don’t see them week to week. Sure from day 1 to now I do but I think if I lose weight, it will be more prominent. I think I have lost some weight since I haven’t been eating regularly with the whole sodium thing. I really have just been sleeping a heck of a lot.

I see my psychiatrist this week. I am glad because I miss seeing her. I hate these monthly meetings but she is always a page or email away if I really need her. I don’t know what they are going to do about my mood stabilizer. I see my pcp Wed to get my blood redrawn to check levels. Then go from there. I really hate that I have to taper my drug but I don’t know if it is just to taper to a lower dose or off the medication entirely. And I am starting to feel that woozy feeling again, which means I am going to crash soon. I am over a 1,000 words. So I guess that is good for the day. God I can’t wait till this is resolved!

blur of days

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Blur of days

Friday night I was in a flare. I didn’t get to sleep till 0600 and then I slept all day. I only went downstairs twice to pee. I’ve been living off of protein bars and pie. I mostly been drinking Powerade. Today I was just tired and tried to sleep but my damn mother wanted me up. My sister got sent up to check on me and then she bitched about my room. I wanted to change my sheets today but I was too tired. I will try tomorrow. I left a message for the pain program explaining that my electrolytes are off, making me really tired. I told her it was up to her if she wanted to keep me in the schedule for Thursday. I honestly don’t know if I will be able to keep it. I want to but my body may say no.

I wish my mother was going out tomorrow but she is not. I get to hear the fucking Christmas movies she has been watching nonstop. She hasn’t been watching her regular shows. I swear I thought we were in December and then we argued over when it is, which is next week and she said no, it is the following week. Whatever. Pisses me off.

The I should have stayed in bed day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

The I should have stayed in bed day

I woke up at 6 with my entire body feeling like spaghetti. I knew if I just laid there it would get worse so I sat up to take an Ativan before it could. When I sat up, my damn foot exploded. It was three hours before I had to take my morning pain med so I took a breakthrough med. I should have known today was going to be shitty and just stayed in bed but I wanted to descale my sister’s Keurig. I followed the instructions and that would be it? Right?

Three hours later, I woke up. Took my meds. I was in pain but it wasn’t as bad as three hours ago. I grabbed what I needed and headed to down to my sister’s. My niece wasn’t up yet. Teenager so it was early for her. I had my coffee and when I was finished, I started the descaling. I made sure I had things right and followed everything. I did 3 rinses and was going to do a fourth. I shut the machine off while I filled the reservoir for the final rinse, and when I put it on the machine, I turned it on. Nothing happened. I turned it on and off again. Then on and waited like 15 minutes. I think I burned out the heating mechanism as it was dead silent. I had no clue what I did wrong. I felt super bad about this. I will buy my sister a new machine Monday when I get paid. I hate that they have no coffee for the weekend. Maybe I will get them a Dunkin card to compensate for them having to buy coffee. I feel really horrible this happened. I texted my sister when she got out of work. I got no response other than omg after I said I was so sorry.

I checked on the machine a couple of hours to see if cooling down would make it work again and it didn’t. My niece didn’t eat anything but cereal. She refused anything else. I wasn’t going to fight with her.

I went to nap and my foot became an ice pack and it felt like I had a penetrating ice cube on one spot of my foot. I tried to ignore it but it didn’t work. On went the socks and heating pad. Now my damn foot is hotter than hot. I got up to take my night meds and holy fuck. It felt like I was compressing all the bones in my ankle joint and the ligaments/tendons went with them because they didn’t know what else to do. Every time I stand up I have this pain. It is so excruciating. The heel pain has sort of gotten better. I got these gel pads and they have really helped. I am going to try it in the “real world” aka outside in my sneaker. I am not going to go to therapy on Monday. I have been feeling so off. Yesterday I felt like death. I barely ate and my sister had these candles that kept making me sneeze and made my nose run. I had to take 2 benadryl last night to stop my nose from running away. I was so miserable.

I ate good today. I haven’t had the custard pie yet. I had the chocolate pie for breakfast. I always do after thanksgiving. I hate calling it that because white people were so mean to the Natives and continue to be so why celebrate their generosity when we took all their land away or killed them for it or just killed them because they retaliated or infected them with smallpox and other European diseases. It was no better than what the Nazis did to the Jewish population in the 1930s and 1940s. Yet Americans had to save them then shun them. Got humans are so rotten to one another. Not all humans but those with the white supremacy attitudes. Makes me sick to my stomach. And the fucking NRA quotes the Constitution to say something after an ED doc got killed while the “This is our lane” banter was going on. I felt like saying to them, so you are perfectly fine with a 2 year old finding a handgun under a pillow and killing themselves all because the second amendment gives the kid the right to bear arms??? Seriously??? The gun should have had a gun lock on it or the safety on at least. I honest have never owned a gun or even looked at one other than the rifle my father used to own but he was fucking crazy and wanted to kill my cousin or shoot people that pissed him off so he should NOT have had a gun! But I really think gun owners that want to work with legislation on how to control mass shootings would be a HUGE help. I honestly don’t think the Constitution wanted bump stocks and magazines and military grade weapons for civilians. But if you are against what I am talking about, go find another fucking blog to read because you are part of the problem. Do you cheer every time there is a mass shooting? Seriously, go fuck yourself with your gun. I am tired of school kids fearing for their lives, having drills and then worrying about exams. Kind of pointless if they are dead. I have a 13 year old niece and it scares me and must terrify my sister. I hope it doesn’t happen but I know the rhetoric “it won’t happen here” doesn’t work. 4 teenagers died in the town over from me from laced weed! So I know it can happen anywhere. OK I am off my soapbox for today. Hope you all be safe and say I love you a little more often.

Therapy, fatigue, and still feeling like shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, medical, mental illness, mood disorders

I managed a shower today. It kind wore me out but I was determined to see my therapist. The bus didn’t give a shit what I had planned as it was like a fucking half hour late. Starbucks didn’t have eggnog so I just had a mocha. I forgot extra shots. Doubt they would have done any good anyway. By the time I reached my therapist’s office, I was wiped out.

We started talked and I profusely apologized for missing Monday. I told him I felt like shit and I must have looked it because he asked if I wanted to go home. I said ok. I thanked him. I said I hope to see him Monday and have a good Thanksgiving.

I took an Uber home. I am glad I did because I was ready to pass out. I told my mother I would be going to bed and she asked if it was because of pain. I said no, I am tired because my blood counts are off. She was confused. I tried to explain it to her last week but she didn’t want to hear it. Now I was explaining it again. I need a salty diet and high protein and low fluids. I still don’t think she understood but not my problem. I went upstairs to change and hunker down. I am hungry but no idea what to eat. I finished off the last of the cold cuts. I want to order out but my funds are low. I get paid Monday though.

I wish I could say I am feeling better but I am feeling the same. Yesterday I slept all day and hope my activities today don’t wear me out so much. I had a rough night as I slept in pretty much the same position all night so was stiff and this or that hurt or was asleep. It is going to be the coldest Thanksgiving on record, with some parts reaching below zero. Much too early for this time of year. But the weather is whacky everywhere.

If you are in the US, I wish you a happy Thanksgiving. I am grateful you read my blog. Hope you have a good day tomorrow.