Category: blogging

TG Transition Day 1

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, transgender, writing

TG Transition Day 1

I wanted to write this yesterday so today is really day 2 but I want to tell you about all that happened yesterday. I will try to stick with just the transition and then go to another blog for today’s stuff.

I had the appointment with the nurse. I was like a half hour early. I waited a few minutes and she introduced herself. She must have been new because she didn’t know my former PCP, though she had seen him come in a few times. She showed me how to do the injections, which muscle to put it in, to switch off, etc. It was informative and she answered the questions. She said she would watch me give it but I didn’t feel comfortable as I was told not to bring the stuff with me. Soon as we were done, I went into a bathroom that was on that floor.

I got everything ready, careful not to touch anything that would contaminate the vial or needle. Then I stuck the needle in the vial, pushed the amount of air that the nurse said I had to push and only about 0.1 mL of fluid came into the syringe. I kept withdrawing but it was a slow drip into the syringe. Shit this stuff wasn’t going to be easy. I finally decided to just pull more than I needed and then push it back in. That worked and I got the amount I needed. I used an alcohol swab to wipe my leg, counted to three, and stuck it in. I pushed and things went smoothly. A little blood came out and some fluid but the nurse said it was normal. I put the stuff away, pulled up my pants, and washed my hands as I had to pee, too.

I had to inject saline into my left thigh to show her I could inject. By the time I got to Starbucks near my therapist’s office, my leg was sore. The right was doing better. I had posted on most of my social media a picture to show what Day 1 is. I didn’t shave the little hairs on my chin before leaving the house. I was lucky to leave when I did as it took me forever to make sure I had everything and still time to get coffee, which was so needed.

I got to the place and ordered a lemonade. I didn’t want too much caffeine as I was already a pile of nerves. I was freaking out over my leg hurting with just saline. I still had a few hours to kill and then I realized I didn’t bring any pain meds with me. I had switched bags and left them in my other bag. I had to go home. So I did and got what I needed and then went to therapy. I will write more about this in another blog.

I haven’t had any changes and my left thigh is still hurting but not so much. My right is fine. In a week, I will post another blog with a similar title and take pics to post. Thank you all for coming along.

TG short post

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, physical pain, transgender

Hi all my lovely readers,

I am really sore and in a middleweight now so today’s day 1 post will be tomorrow.

Injection went well. I am just mentally and physically drained.

Thanks for reading

baking on a cold, rainy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Baking on a cold, rainy day

I had a difficult sleep. My alarm went off and I was disoriented as I didn’t know what the noise was. I shut it off and waited a few minutes before getting up to take my meds. Then I went back to sleep, which was oblivion for me. I woke up and because it was dark and cloudy, I had no idea of the time. I hoped it wasn’t after 2pm and when I reached for my phone, it wasn’t. It was around 1230. Perfect. I went downstairs. Brushed my teeth and used the bathroom. Then I made a fried egg. I wanted to make the lemon loaf today. I took my time before committing to it. I was still tired and wanted coffee. I had bought the premade Starbucks iced coffee. I made that. One of my creamers was knocked down and leaked. There was nothing left in the container. There was only a little bit in it anyway so not a huge leak. I grabbed my half and half. I thought it was the opened one and it wasn’t. WTF. I grabbed the opened one and used it all. I opened the one that was new and put it back in the fridge. Least I wouldn’t have to struggle with the damn top to open it when I used it next.

After I had my coffee and food, I decided to make it. I got all the ingredients ready. I had no idea 8 oz of sour cream equaled a cup. I had opened one and I am glad I bought another one, which is sweet because I like having sour cream with my chimichangas. I mixed everything together and then I put the batter in the loaf pan with the parchment paper. As I was pouring the batter, one side of the parchment paper got jealous of not having batter so got in the way. Yea, so I had to scrap that off and then pour again. I didn’t flatten out the sides too well as the paper was indented in the batter. I didn’t really care. Popped it in the oven and waited for it to cook. When it was done, I let it cool and then put it on a rack. I took off the paper and one end had a huge indent. Looked like the butt of a chicken (as you will see in the photo). I made the glaze and it didn’t taste right. I asked my mother if this was thick enough and she said no. I added regular sugar rather than powdered as it tasted chalky. I made it a little thicker. The loaf had cooled off and then I put the glaze on. It didn’t stay on top! It all fell to the bottom of the cake holder. I suck at this. I didn’t eat it (though I wanted to) because my mother was making dinner and would be upset if I got full off the loaf and not her pork chops.

I went upstairs to relax. It was cold in my room. I played on my phone for a while. I mostly been on Facebook all day. I have decided to take a Twitter break right now. Last night I got really upset because of all the shit of the hearing and everyone had an opinion on the lying assaulting bastard. I hated that the fucking gov’t was interfering with the FBI, telling the FBI who it can and can’t contact. There were conflicting reports on this. One said it could contact people and then another saying it couldn’t. Both tweets were “BREAKING” and not by a news source so I don’t believe either. People seem to want to add “breaking” to their tweet just to get RT and likes. Pathetic!!! I do know the FBI was limited. I don’t know if that has been lifted or changed. And I heard that the Dotard is somehow involved in who and who can’t be talked to so I don’t know what to fucking believe. It is a damn circus. I find it upsetting because as a survivor of abuse, this is just triggering. This is why I didn’t report my abuse. And I will never come forward with my ex who raped me because it will be a she said kind of thing. It has been going on for more than a week now and I am sick of it. The Senate will vote anyway so shows how much they fucking care about the integrity of the man they are putting in for a lifetime commitment. But the Senate is so corrupted anyways it isn’t even funny.

I have no distractions until Friday, when baseball will be played. We have no idea who we are playing until the results of tomorrow night’s game. I don’t know who I want to win. Oakland has been tough all year with us. The snakes are the snakes but might be easier to beat as I don’t think most players have been in the postseason before. I am just worried about game 2 as OverPrice is pitching. He might wake up with an ass ache and decide he isn’t going to pitch or goes ahead and pitch poorly. I hope he opts out this year. I don’t want to see his face on my team anymore. He has been nothing but drama the day he signed the contract.

Sunday Blog 30 Sept 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 30 Sept 18

I am really upset, at this damn condition and my mother. I attempted to make this blasted lemon loaf. It is getting to be a huge pain in the ass. What I zested at the beginning of Sept was not enough. I bought more lemons as I needed the juice. I’m glad I did. I bought 4 and had 1 left over from my last grocery order. I juiced by standing as it was then only way to get the leverage. Then zested 3 lemons to get the 1 tablespoon I needed. Was tired and my foot started buzzing. I decided to not go through with baking. I told my mother and she laughed at me, basically saying I am a wimp. Sorry ma. I am not like you where resting for a bit helps to calm down down pain. I sat the whole time I zested all 5 lemons. Then I made supper (just heated up a burrito) and watched the ball game. My foot said FU not even an inning of watching the game and eating. I just want to cry. I feel defeated and ashamed because my mother made me feel bad. She suffers from chronic pain and doesn’t get it. Taking my breakthrough med.

I posted this to my support group. I then watched some funny videos and that helped to cheer me up some. I hate that my mother is not a supportive person. I don’t get how you can do this to your kid. She doesn’t support or accept me for being transgendered. I haven’t told her I am going on T. I want to see if she notices changes and then maybe as I become more masculine, maybe she will get a fucking clue that this is who I am not the picture in her head of me. I hate her for this. Yes, I will continue to be her caregiver and help her financially every month as long as I am living here. I just seriously need to find a place to accommodate my disability. A friend told me to look at the elderly services thing as that usually is where disabled people get help as well. She also said there will be a waiting list. I knew there would be, which sucks.

A weird thing happened when I woke up. I don’t know what time it was because I couldn’t move. I just laid there trying to move my legs or arms and they stayed where they were. I could open my eyes and look around but that was it. It took a while before whatever it was wore off and I could get up to pee. I am lucky I didn’t wet the bed as it was a while before I was able to move again. It was 1244 when I looked at the clock on my phone. This never happened to me before. Usually I wake up and don’t want to move but I am able. This was the first time I wasn’t able. I don’t know if it was sleep paralysis or what. I see my psychiatrist Friday and will tell her about it. I just hope it doesn’t happen again. It was really awful to just lay there not being able to move. I have heard of this happening to people. I don’t know if it happens during the night or when they wake up or what. It might have been that I was too tired. I know I had a pillow between my legs while I slept. When I did get up, I found the pillow on top of my bed. I have no recollection of moving it. I know around 8 I woke up and took my morning meds. That is the last thing I remember before waking up again and not moving. So weird.