Category: blogging

PT and other boring things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

PT and other boring things

I woke up with ankle pain, like someone was trying to scoop out my ankle bone. It hurt worse if I bear weight on it. I took a shower, which just made things worse. I had about two hours before I had to leave for PT. I was thinking about canceling it because it hurt so bad. I took a strong pain pill as it would be at least three hours before I could take my regular pain meds. The meds seemed to bring it down a few notches so I went to PT. I had a protein bar as I was hungry. I thought about going to the donut shop but the bus got there later than expected and I didn’t have time to grab something.

PT asked how I was and I said a lot of pain. She said we would be doing mirror therapy. It was weird and I was a little freaked out. She kept pointing to my image of my right foot and calling it my left as I was moving it. I seriously had to think why wasn’t my foot moving when it was. Then it dawn on me that it was really my right foot not my left. The pain kind of subsided a little but my foot got really cold, like ice. I wasn’t bracing going home. The PT gave me a list of all the exercises I was to do but I can pick and choose to my tolerance level. She wanted me to focus on the ankle range of motion exercises more than the others and to also use the app. I am starting to hate the app but didn’t tell her that. I am supposed to do it 2-4 times a day. I’m lucky if I do it 3 times a week. My scores are improving though, so I guess that is good.

I luckily didn’t have to wait too long for the bus and it was the one that would take me home so I didn’t have to transfer when it got to the station. I just listened to music the whole way. When I got off the bus, my phone came off my belt, clip and all. WTF I have no idea why it did that. I fixed it and made sure it was securely on. I then went to the bakery to get some bread for my mother. My foot was aching so bad from being cold. I decided I was going to order out for dinner/lunch. My cousin was over the house so I waited for him to leave before I ordered. It was good. I’ll probably have cereal if I am hungry later.

My check came in today so I payed all my bills and ordered some stuff on Amazon. I thought my mother would be going to the bank today but she couldn’t get a ride. That means I got to wait till Monday for things to clear to know what I truly have left. I planned on going to the grocery store tomorrow but it kind of got worse after I had my food delivered and is going up by the hour. I just decided to order online and have it delivered. There is no way I can walk around a grocery store, do shopping, bring it home, lug it up the stairs, put it away and not suffer. Better to just have them deliver it and then I can put it away, even though that means paying a little more for it. Kills me that my tuna used to be $1.79 is now $2.09. At the cheap grocery store it is 3 for $5.

Friday I am hoping to have lunch with a friend of mine in Boston. We met through the Boston Alliance for Gay and Lesbian Youth (BAGLY). Not sure what the acronym is now as they have included transgender and questioning kids. It will be good to see her as we haven’t seen each other in years. We bumped into each other when I was working at the hospital every now and then but we only talked for a few minutes. It will be good to catch up with her. I just hope my pain is down by then.

Blog 2312018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Blog 2312018

I’m not feeling creative in titles today so came up with a generic. I am still very tired as I did not sleep well last night so I slept most of the day today. I only got up to make something to eat and then foolishly made coffee that I thought would keep me awake but didn’t. I just took my night meds and will be going back to bed soon.

I had made a comment on a Boston page on how the governor wants to go after pharmaceutical companies in an effort to stem the opioid crisis. I cannot believe the ignorance surrounding chronic pain patients. Heroin and illicit Fentanyl are the leading causes of overdoses. I told them this and then said do you want more chronic pain suicides in this state? All I got was that doctors prescribe to their friends and family members who then distributes the medication to the streets. I didn’t respond to the stupidity of these statements. One guy then told me how Heroin was produce by Bayer (it was initially) and then morphine replaced it. Seriously? Morphine has been around since the late 1800s and that is NOT a street drug nor are people OD’g on it. Just pissed me off.

My book written by Anne Wheaton came today. It’s called Piggy and Pug. It is a very cute book about rescue animals. I want to send it to my friend in Canada that has three grandsons. I think they will like the book a lot.

I don’t have to buy a new French press. My lid is loose so I just need to hold it down while pouring. So now that Casi Cielo is back in the Starbucks stores, I will buy two bags. I love this coffee.

Last night, I closed my window and I am glad I did because it rained while I was up in the middle of the night and I could hear it off the window. It also helped the paranoia, some. I have been too tired to feel like people are watching me. I just want my pillow and that is all. So on that note, I will write more tomorrow. Ciao.

paranoia and other fun things, not

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Paranoia and other fun things, not

I met with my therapist today and told him that I have been increasingly paranoid the last few days. I am not sure if it started with my email being hacked or not. I just can’t shake the feeling I am being watched by someone/thing. It’s making me feel really uncomfortable. I also have been feeling like my psychiatrist and PCP have been conspiring against me and putting things in my medical record as well as watching me. When I told him, he thought my meds should be tweaked and I should call my psychiatrist. I was scared of calling her, because she is out to get me. I said I would when I got home.

I came home and got a dizzy attack. I think it is probably because I am dehydrated because despite it being cold, I have been sweating. I wore a heavy sweatshirt and when I walk, I just sweat. I was expecting it to snow or rain so wore my winter jacket. I was also roasting in my therapist’s office. It was way too warm. I broke down and called my psychiatrist. I didn’t want to email her because I knew that would feed into my delusion of her feeding my medical records. She called back and we talked. She told me she wasn’t watching me or adding stuff to my medical record. I felt a little better but wasn’t 100% convinced. She didn’t want to do anything med wise but wants me to call her in a few days. I am tempted to take some trilafon but that hasn’t helped with paranoia at all. Helps with my delusion and voices but not the paranoia. I really don’t want to increase the Invega anyways because that will just mean weight gain. I still haven’t been able to lose the weight I gained since starting it. Course I haven’t really tried either. But that is another story.

I haven’t had dinner yet. My mother called me when I got to the station just as a train was pulling in asking when I would be home. I told her I was on my way home and she said dinner was ready. That’s nice. Least I will have food when I am hungry later. I think once the dizzy spell subsides, I might be hungry.

I’m feeling really scared because of this feeling of being watched, even when I am alone in my room. I am tempted to close the window and drapes but then it will get hot in my room. I really hate this feeling and I can’t shake it. Music has been helping as a sort of background noise for me. I don’t know why, but it helps. I guess it just takes my mind off the feeling and I feel something else through the music. I think it’s kind of weird that since this has started, the music stuff that normally plays in my head has stopped or isn’t as loud as it was. My voices have stayed the same, no new ones. I hope that doesn’t change. It’s awful feeling like you are being monitored, even when you are alone. I might close the window and just turn on the ceiling fan. There has been a weird light that shines in my room and then goes off which hasn’t helped my suspicions.

I need to go to the LGBT website to see if there are papers I need filled out before my appointment with their doctor. I can’t believe in less than two weeks, I see him. It felt so far away before but now is becoming a reality. I just hope there isn’t some medical or psych reason to prevent me getting testosterone. I can’t live in the body like it is. It is driving me crazy because I feel like a man and stuff and then I look at my chest and it just crushes me. It hurts so bad inside and makes me just want to crawl under a rock and die. I know I won’t be able to handle any rejection about this. It will kill me. But I am trying not to think about it or it may feed into my paranoia. Last thing I need is to reschedule the appt because of a hospitalization so I hope this passes soon or at least doesn’t get worse.

Not Done

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Not Done

The Patriots played the AFC Championship game and won! Now they are off to Minnesota to play in the SuperBowl. I am not sure when that is as I am not a football person. I think it is 4 Feb but I could be wrong. It usually is played in Feb, as far back as I can recall.

My mother made a huge gravy. When I went downstairs and started making coffee, she asked if I could open seven cans of tomatoes. She has trouble with the can opener and I told her I will open the cans for her if she promises not to use the new can opener I bought. It’s not the best and she has done something to it so I need to get a new one. Maybe I will order a new one on Amazon, an electric one as ours broke and we haven’t replaced it yet. Neither of us goes shopping anymore, least not in stores. I do mine online and my mother orders from catalogs.

After the game, I wanted to go back to my room but my mother wanted me to see if the ribs were done. I checked one and it was soft. I checked another one to be sure and the damn thing went flying spraying me and the floor with gravy. I was not fucking happy. I cleaned up and decided to shower rather than go upstairs. I had gravy all over my clothes. I took a shower and my ankle went berserk. It’s still hurting.

I am kind of tired. Before the game, I went to Walgreens and then the bakery. I wanted to get some bread but they closed at 1300. I’ll have to get it tomorrow or maybe Tuesday. It was warm and I wore a Pats shirt that I swear is not breathable. I was sweating by the time I came home.

I’ve had the RAM I need for my laptop in my Amazon cart. It was supposed to be “in stock” Jan 26. Now it won’t be until the 30th. I might get the hard drive as it is close to the same price. Only thing is, I want to see if the RAM solves the memory issues first. I would also have to back up my documents and stuff on my laptop before I did any work with the hard drive. That shouldn’t take long as it is just copy and pasting. I just hope installing the drive is not as hard as I am imagining it. From looking at the manual, it seems easy enough but I’ve never done it before, least not with a newer laptop. I still need to get a connection wire for my old laptop so it will work again. I kind of miss it. I think next month I will have enough money to bring it to the shop to see what is wrong with it and then go from there. It might just be a dead screen and I don’t know because I’ve never messed with hardware before.

Anyways, once I have a bigger hard drive, I will be able to install some software that I want. I might have to buy the latest EndNote version. The last version I bought was X6. I think they have X11 out now or maybe later. It keeps track of my bibliography. It’s not a pressing software I need because I don’t write papers anymore, least not that often but it’s nice to have so that Word and it can communicate. It has a nice link feature where you can cite as you type and makes the bibliography for you. It was a godsend when I found it. I wish I had it when I was taking my archeology class. I needed to cite 20 articles and it was a pain doing it by hand, in the format that the professor required. EndNote does all of that for you. It’s a beautiful software.