Category: CES

Mental and Physical Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, writing

I’m up in pain and listening to Casey James. I love his music and guitar playing. I think the guitar is the best instrument to listen to when you are in a bad mood. It just does something to the brain. Or maybe I just like it because I like it.

So I am in pain tonight because I did too much today. Can’t do stuff that a normal person can do like go up and downstairs, put a bookcase together and then carry it up the stairs even though it wasn’t that heavy. I plan on getting a bigger one, maybe a six shelved case. That ought to be able to get my stuff off the floor. Right now my new book case is half full and I haven’t even really started putting stuff in it yet. My “bible” of suicidology books doesn’t fit in it so I am going to have to put it in the bookcase in the hallway.

I wish I could do things that I used to be able to do without pain. My left foot feels like it is being stabbed repeatedly. In addition to being stabbed, it also feels like it is going to snap if I move it the wrong way. Oh the joys of nerve pain. Always changing. It never is the same night after night. Makes it interesting and then when you go to the doc you have to explain to them that the pain has changed. No you no longer have a barbed wire across your ankle, you just have a constant drilling feeling. Sometimes I think the doctors think you make this stuff up just to get drugs but without the drugs, I would be a suicidal nightmare. It is bad enough that I want to cut. But that I because of another issue.
My back is aching like I did manual labor for hours. I can still move but I know I will probably be a little stiff tomorrow. I will do some of my exercises to loosen up the tight muscles before getting out of bed tomorrow. That is all that I can do to prevent a relapse. If it hurts too much I can always drug myself to obviation.

I thought that would happen by now but I still have some words left in me that I have to get out before succumbing to pharmacology. I am hoping tomorrow I get my hair cut. It is getting pretty long and I don’t like it long. I especially don’t like it when I have wisps of hair sticking out of my ball cap and glasses. It is driving me crazy but my cousin has assured me that tomorrow afternoon he will cut it, though he didn’t call tonight to confirm.

Did I tell you that my foot hurts? My ankle is having weird pains and my leg just is on fire? I can’t win tonight. Why am I in pain other than the fact that I did too much today? Why does doing too much bother me? No it’s not because I am fat and lazy. Its because I have been left with a nerve condition known as Cauda Equina Syndrome, CES for short. It’s when the horse’s tail part of your nerves get disrupted because of a trauma or disc material gets embedded in it. In my case I had this syndrome twice due to a disc rupturing. I have had four back surgeries, 2 at different levels. If I had them closer together I might have needed a fusion and then I would be permanently out of work forever. Right now I am out of work on disability. Mostly because of mental reasons. I also suffer from mental illness as I constantly want to kill myself every day for this reason or that but I am forbidden to do it. I just can’t muster enough courage to end my life. I constantly wish I was dead just so I wouldn’t have to deal with my physical or mental pain. Right now I am just dealing with the physical. But throw in some mental pain and I am ready to be committed and that is no fun.

I wish I had normal control of the lower part of my body again. But I don’t think it is ever going to happen. If anything this pain reminds me that 12 years ago I messed up my back due to a chiropractor. She adjusted my spine and my disc responded by exploding. It left me with something called foot drop and I have been in trouble with my left foot/ankle/leg since then. I get tired easily. I can’t walk long distances like I used to. My foot will just become weak the more I try to use it. It sucks. And I am only 37 years old. I don’t know how I got to be this old but I know I won’t make it to be 38…

it sucks being disabled

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

I hate what my life has become. I don’t shower regularly. I don’t brush my teeth every day like I am supposed to. I just hate being this glob of a person. I miss working though I can’t anymore because it hurts too much physically. Plus it was causing me to have severe suicidal thoughts every day, sometimes every hour. But it at least provided distraction from being miserable. I have tried to do what is right but I just don’t care any more. I have given up trying to live a life. I don’t go out anymore unless I have to. I barely make it to my psychiatrist’s appointments. I have a hard time waking up in the morning. And though it’s easier to get it out of the way in the morning, it sometimes sucks because I will have nothing else to do for the day. I write about my miserable life in hoping that someone will take solace in knowing they are not alone in what they are feeling but I feel alone because I no longer have people contact. I know I should probably join a group therapy group or something to get me out of the house but I just can’t think of it and I do nothing. I try and read but my attention span is just not there. I try and play my Facebook games but they bore me now and frustrate me. I should probably clean my room but I have no energy to get out of bed. I keep my laptop on my bed at all times because I need its accessibility for my thoughts. I journal pages and pages of things that run through my head of a day of nothingness. It really sucks being disabled.

30 day Writing Challenge Day 23

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, writing

30 day Writing Challenge Day 23

Something that you miss:

I miss the way my life was before CES happened to me. I miss being able to walk for miles and not caring how long it took me. I miss being able to stand for at least more than 30 mins waiting for the bus. I miss having control of my bowels and bladder. I miss working and being around my co-workers though they drive me crazy at times. I miss having a life worth living.

nerve pain is a bitch

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

I should be sleeping but instead my left foot is driving me up the fucking wall with it’s constant buzzing. My toes are even vibrating though if you touch them they will feel normal. I am very tired and all I want to do is sleep but this annoying foot keeps me awake. If I could chop it off I would.. now I am getting bone pain. My toes are cringing though they have nothing to cringe at except my wrath.
It hasn’t been this way for a couple of weeks. I actually had some reprieve for almost three weeks when I got a cold and was drinking cold medicine like it was going out of style. But now the pain has returned and I do not like it. There is nothing I can do about it till I pass out which might take a while. Right now it’s 02:45 in the morning. I tell time by military as I think it’s cool and more precise.
I got my book that I lost and had to reorder today. I forgot how dry the material is and down. I read up to chapter 1 because I didn’t want to overload myself with suicidal thoughts right now. I should probably take some pain medicine but I want to see if it will go away on its own first. That is part of my problem. I wait until I am in unbearable pain before I take my meds. What usually would be a 6 or 7 for someone would be a 10+ for me. I have a high pain tolerance. It really needs to be a 10+ in order for me to take medication. Otherwise I think I am wasting it. I know that is probably not right to do, to wait till the pain gets really bad, but like I said, sometimes it is just a passing phase and other times it is with me for days. I hate this type of pain. The pain meds just usually knock me out so I can get some sleep and calm down some of the pain. It can take days before I am pain free agin. I just wish My middle toe would stop doing what its doing. It’s like wiggling saying “hi I’m here” like some little kid that wants to play. Well I don’t want to play, I want to sleep damn it!! It also feels like someone with a vise is clamping down on the toe, making sure it doesn’t go anywhere. I hate this type of nerve pain. And it’s the result of Cauda Equina Syndrome. My bundle of nerve got crushed and now I am left with nerve pain that decides to come and play every night. It can’t come out during the day like normal pain, NOOOOOO, why would it do that? Then we might have simpler lives. We might be able to work and play with our kids. This damage costs us everything and there is nothing anyone can do to make it better once it happens. It’s all a joke until we kill ourselves from the pain. Everyone one of us has at one point or other thought about killing ourselves because the pain gets too much or we just can’t see ourselves living this hell anymore. Doctors are useless. They just like to spin us on merry-go-rounds having us go from this doctor to that doctor and so on. It took 9 doctors and two physical therapist to figure out that I was not walking correctly because all my scans and tests came back normal, they thought I was a head case or something. I was in pain 24/7 and nothing was helping me sleep except a little pain medication. It took months between this appt and that appt to figure it all out. Then I got out of work because I couldn’t walk around the lab anymore. My department of 14 yrs says sorry your restrictions are too strict and out the door I went on forced medical leave. I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to kill myself right then and there if I had a chance. At 36 yrs old I was declared disabled after fighting this condition for eleven years. It was fun being out of work for a while. But then it got lonesome. I missed my coworkers. I missed going out. I became a hermit. I had nothing to do 24/7. I played my games and that was about all. But the pain didn’t stop, even with me resting it. If I went out and stood too long or walked too far, I paid the price. Like I am doing now. I must have walked too long though I hardly left my house at all except to go to my sister’s house around the corner. Now my foot is on fire and there is no extinguisher to put it out. Simple things I just can’t do anymore. I don’t shower because it hurts to stand too long. I don’t brush my teeth for the same reason. People take these things for granted. I can only take a 10 minute shower and in those ten minutes I wash and then if I remember I brush my teeth. I dry off quickly and hope I don’t fall while I put on my clothes because sometimes my balance is off.
I still can’t believe the difference between my left and right foot. It’s so weird. I have full feeling on my right but diminished feeling on my left. Sometimes but not often I have burning on my right foot. It’s the left over nerve damage from my initial injury 12 years ago. My anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. Maybe that is why I am thinking about it now. These memories don’t fade away like normal ones. My therapist calls it a trauma. I guess when you have emergency surgery, it is a trauma.