Category: CES

pain rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Dear Doc,

It’s 2 am and I am in severe pain. I already took 2 vicoden and 2 ativan (not at the same time). I don’t know why my foot is in such awful pain. I need something to cover me as this is ridiculous. I just want to end my life whenever the pain gets this bad. I don’t know what to do. It’s 2 am and it’s not like the DOC can call in a script for more meds, and I doubt they would because they don’t know you from Adam. Most they can do is tell you to go to the ER. But the ER isn’t going to do anything because you know they are not going to find anything wrong. My foot isn’t red, bruised, discolored in anyway shape or form. It might be a little swollen but that is all. And it HURTS like bloody hell!! I’m tired of this shit and want to put a noose around my neck. This is the 2nd flare up in two weeks. Both have come from standing/walking too much and temperatures fluctuating more than 20 degrees or so. And this is just December.

 

by the time you read this, this will all be just a vague memory but I want it recorded somewhere so I know I am not going crazy. hopefully I’ll get some sleep. Maybe having some oxycontin will be a good idea for nights like tonight. I don’t know anymore. I just know I can’t go on living like this.

ramblings 16

by Midnight Demon, posted in CES, Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, psychache, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt

Been staring at the cursor of a new document for the past fifteen minutes and still nothing is coming to me about what to write. This writing project that my friend has involved me in is draining me. I am having to come up with new material every day and how can you possibly do that every day? I am not used to writing on demand. I have a migraine today so my thinking is kind of slow. All I want to do today is sleep but I just can’t because I have this restlessness inside. I want to go out but it is just too bright out. I am getting lazy. I am hardly leaving the house for anything these days. Not even the temptation of Starbucks makes me want to leave the house.  Last time I left the house was Friday for a doctor’s appointment. I spent that day at the medical center because I was to be seen for my blurry vision episodes. Tomorrow I will have to leave the house to go for an MRI.  I will have to take pain meds and an Ativan to get through. I know that it is going to be tough because the damn thing always hurts my back. I simply cannot lay flat for the 45 minutes or so it takes. I am always hurting afterwards. I have had numerous MRIs as I have a chronic back condition that needs monitoring. I have not had a back MRI in some time but I have had a brain MRI last year. It was similar to the same condition I am experiencing now. Except I just have blurry vision and not a visual field problem.

So this writing binge is because my friend need help writing her book and I sort of need to write my book which has to do with how I deal with my suicidality all the time and my chronic pain that can send me over the edge. My last pain attack was two weeks ago and it ended ugly. I ended up taking more medicine than I should have because I just didn’t care any more. I could have ended my life that night and the only thing that stopped me was that I couldn’t walk the three feet, yes three feet, to my bureau to get even more medicine. I still wish that I went through with it. Maybe I would have slept more and not woken up the next day. I don’t know. I am so sleepy now that I just want to go to sleep than to talk about this…

I think my friend has an ulterior motive for me writing. It’s to know that 1) I am alive and 2) to try and control the demons. The demons are what control me to try and take my life when I am in severe pain, either mental or physical. I can’t seem to tolerate one or the other but when I have both, I am in trouble. As what happened that night, things escalated very quickly and I found myself staring at a bottle of pills to end my life because I couldn’t stand the intense pain. I still am in disbelief about how this happened and the intense grief in surviving it really got my head spinning.  When you feel suicidal you have a plan about what to do. You call someone, your therapist, psychiatrist, PCP, a hotline. But I didn’t use any of those resources and that is what is killing me. I didn’t have the time to practically think about what is causing me to feel suicidal. I just wanted the pain to end and was willing to take a bottle of pills to end it. Stupid yes and for the suicidologist in me couldn’t distract, how is someone that I am treating or a friend that is in crisis supposed to do this? It makes no sense. I couldn’t step back and see that this pain would pass, that I just had to give the meds time to work. I see this now but I didn’t in the moment.

today’s activities

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression

MY pdoc today said that she is a fan of mine. I found it amazing that she would say something so sweet. We also talked about our anniversary and I said that we should go out for dinner but that would be over stepping a boundary.

I did tell her about my pseudo attempt and she understands why I get that way. I told her all my plans went out the window and it’s so hard to reach out when you are in so much pain. She didn’t say much but she understood that when pain hits, I become a suicidal maniac until the pain eases up.  If I did call her that night, I am sure she probably would have wanted me to call my PCP and tell him I needed more pain meds to get it under control. Probably but its not like they can call in for a narc over the phone or without being seen.

I am not in a good mood after today. I am hurting physically and am angry about it. No matter what I do I always seem to be in more pain for doing things I want to do, like walking to my doctor’s appt. Doesn’t seem like I am doing much but it takes so much out of me. Plus not sleeping has been annoying me and making me cranky. I am so cranky right now that I could dope slap anyone right now if they pissed me off in any way.

 

I saw my PCP’s colleague today because he wasn’t available. I wish I had waited until he was. I have to get another head MRI to rule out something on it and had a blood test for Myasthenia Gravis to rule out that. I am so tired about this and still can’t see that I am typing without my glasses because my eyes hurt. I am going to take a migraine med tonight to see if that helps. The doc thinks it is an atypical or ocular migraine that I am experiencing. I don’t care what it is I just want to be able to read and write again without agony. It’s almost 6 pm EST so I am going to take a nap and then the heavy drugs to go to sleep. I need to rest my head before it explodes so maybe I do indeed have a migraine going on.

100th Blog (ramblings 13)

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

This is my 100th blog. I had wanted it to be meaningful but I am still working on the meaningful part. I started writing it today on the father of suicidology and a man that means a lot to me. I got half way done and then got interrupted. I couldn’t finish a thought to save my life. I hate it when that happens…

I did get my glasses fixed today. It just needed a small adjustment and now I can see without things in my bifocal part being blurry. I ordered my bibliography program and my dad’s x-mas gift. Now I just need to get my mother, sisters, and kids something. One down and I don’t know how many others to go…

Been thinking about what happened the beginning of the week. If things had gone the way that I had wanted to, I wouldn’t have been here for Thanksgiving, or I would have been somewhere other than home. I can’t seem to get the desperation out of my head and now every time I have a pain that is a 5 or 6 I wonder if it will trigger something bad inside me. The demons really came out last Monday. I couldn’t stand because of pain and spasms. I just wanted it to end. And if I had the bottle of anti-spasm meds by my bedside, I know I would have taken the whole bottle until things did stop. I have had severe heartburn since that night. I think the stress of me becoming that way again is overwhelming me. I mean, I didn’t really do much that day except possibly stand too much and walk a few extra steps than I had to. I didn’t do any more stairs than to my room that day. And for whatever reason, just lying in bed reclining was enough to set off both of my feet into agonizing pain and spasms. I really just wanted to die because I couldn’t take my meds, couldn’t walk the few feet to my bureau to get them. I only had what was near me and then I passed out only to wake up at 0230 am. Sleep has not been good the past week. I think that has contributed to my mental deterioration. I sleep for a few hours and then I am up again. I just tired of everything but I just can’t sleep. Sure I can nap for a couple of hours but I don’t want to get into that habit. I really just want a solid six hours of sleep. I don’t think I am asking too much.