Got a stupid migraine today that is incapacitating me. Every sound and light beam is making my head hurt. I woke up with it and I hate that more than when I get one during the day. My right eye hurts and the area around it is numb.
How do you feel right now? what are you thinking about?—Stationary Addicts tweet for today. Seems appropriate somehow. I feel like crap and my head is pounding. I don’t want to have a session with my therapist tomorrow but she is being a fink and won’t let me cancel. She is worried about me because of my suicidality has peaked. I still have not told my psychiatrist what is going on. I just don’t want to. I just want to be left alone with myself for once and think things through enough to end my life. Why is that so bad?
I’m thinking about my friend who I told about my plans. She says she wants me to tell her goodbye. I don’t know how. I never have told anyone good bye before right before I acted on a plan so this is weird. I am also thinking that if I don’t go through with these plans I am never going to be free from my suffering.
Someone once asked me if you had to suffer and have misery to be happy. I would say that yes. For me in order to write I have to feel something powerful to get it out on paper. My journals are filled with my pain and suffering. But also writing on this blog has helped me to see that my writing helps people. I think the main reason for this is that most people suffer but do not know how to articulate it very well. I have a knack for being able to articulate these dark thoughts and put them out in the open (aka, the WWW). I don’t know how I am able to do this, my writing style has always been free, but I think I have learned some stuff from my English professors at the junior college I attended. They were really good in ripping my papers apart and having me redo them. But it taught me to write the way I write.
Song of the day is Casey James’ crying on a suitcase. I love this song and the guitar chords. I have a knack of finding a song that connects with me. I can’t explain it. Whatever I am feeling, a song will come on the radio to describe it perfectly. I have made CDs for my therapist trying to explain how I feel about her through the music and lyrics. I have been doing this since I first met her. It is sort of our thing now. Funny story, when the song by Sugarland came out, I didn’t play it for her because it was so freaky. Somehow the song came on her radio one day and told me about the song and I was like OMG no way! Song is called Stuck like Glue and you can say that the lyrics mean something for us because no matter how much we have tried to end this (Or rather I have tried) it seems like we were meant to be together.
Category: Chronic pain
ramblings 7
I am totally wiped out doing nothing. I have been feeling low the past week or so and it just gets worse. I have a hard time motivating myself to get dressed or to take a shower. I just don’t feel like it. Today I wanted to make a pumpkin pie but I bought the wrong kind of pie crust. Least according to my mother I did. I am too lazy to go back to S&S to return it.
My foot has been aching since Friday. I don’t know why my foot always bothers me more on weekends than during the week. It also makes me just want to stay in bed and do nothing. I was able to write a story about my attempt this weekend. I am trying to write another paper about psychache and the assessment for it but I don’t think I have the energy for it and I hate it. I just can’t get my thoughts together about what I want to say in this paper, which is part of the problem and the other half of it is procrastination. Why I am procrastinating is puzzling. It’s not like I have a deadline for this. It is just a paper that I am writing for fun. I want to analyze about psychache and the assessments used for it, almost like a compare/contrast. Problem lies that my meds are making it difficult to concentrate on my paper and reading the articles supporting my argument. I hate taking meds affecting my thinking but I have no choice. It’s either take them or end up back in the nut house.
Disappointed the Pats lost due to one stinking point. They had the lead and they blew it to lose by one stinking point!! ARGH!!!!
In my baseball world, Detroit beat the Skankees 3 zip at home in the Bronx, taking a 2-0 ALDS lead. Sweet revenge having them lose at home. I hope Detroit continues to win and beat those overpaid bastards.
Moodwise I have been in a miserable mood. Mostly stemming from a bad relationship. But I’m over it. I just wish my heart can move on as quickly as my mind can.
disability
For the past eighteen months, I have been in chronic pain with my left ankle. It started as a sprained ankle and blossomed into CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I have nerve damage in this ankle from Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) and CRPS affects 80% of those affected with this condition. In my case I am repetitively inflaming my peroneous muscles and tendons as I do not walk correctly. The result is constant burning and swelling of my ankle and foot.
This condition limits my walking due to pain. In December of 2011, I decided to go on medical leave of absence to try and give myself a mental and physical break from working two jobs. I was working as a lab assistant in both research and clinical areas of a large hospital. Four and a half months later, I was out of both jobs. I had decided at the end of January to work just one job and that proved to be an error on my part. I think that if I was working with research my life would have been simpler as I wouldn’t be walking so much anymore. I am now on disability and I have to say that it sucks. I went from a working member of society to nothing in just four months. I just couldn’t do the work anymore. Walking around the huge lab was killing me. I had put in job restrictions and it was rejected. After working fourteen years in the same place, I was sure to get “special” treatment. But that was not the case. I had to move to do something more sedentary. That caused me to have a mental breakdown. I was in the hospital in April of this year and then again the end of June. June was a long stay. I was there for two weeks because mentally I just could not handle doing nothing anymore. I became psychotic with the stress of not having a financial income and not being able to pay my bills. Stress always brings out the hallucinations and most of the time I can handle it but this time the voices wanted me to cut my leg so I had to go back on my meds and stay longer to have it work.
It is very depressing to be disabled. It cuts you deep inside and makes you feel so bad. Although I am collecting I’m still trying to find myself. I have days where I do absolutely nothing, least that is what I call it. I might go out to Starbucks for a coffee and write or read. I might just stay home and sleep. I might write a blog or try and read. Most of the time I play on my computer, playing online games.
When I have the energy and creativeness to write, I write about my mental state and being suicidal, what it’s like being in chronic pain, and how I am living this way. I have a lot of time on my hands and don’t spend most of it in front of the TV. There are not that many shows that I watch on a regular basis. I record my favorite shows (CSI NY, CSI, SVU, Hart of Dixie) and watch them at my leisure, which is sometimes a few days after they air. I am just too restless to sit for forty-five minutes in front of the tube.
It hurts not being able to do something during the day. I wish I loved cooking but I can’t stand too long to do something like that. I like making cookies but I don’t like the clean up. As November is slowly approaching, I am thinking of making my first pumpkin pie. That will be my goal for the holidays. I just hope that I can stand long enough to mix the batter.
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