Category: chronic physical pain

Twitter Rant: Body Dysmorphia

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, suicide, transgender

Twitter Rant: Body Dysmorphia

I am having serious body dysmorphia because I am literally stuck in my female body and I want to be a male. but due to my pain condition, I can’t have T to move forward with my transition. I want top surgery but can’t have it because of $$$. I have had bought of severe suicidality today because I am in the wrong fucking body. then I found out someone reported a tweet to twitter because I was suicidal. twitter didn’t tell me what tweet it was so I don’t fucking care anymore. I am tired of people being “scared” of the word “suicide”. You know, people used to be afraid of the word cancer. they thought that saying the word would give them the disease. this was back in the 1800s and early 1940s or so (guessing here) but guess what, you cannot get cancer from talking about it the same fucking way that if you talk about suicide, it will NOT LEAD TO SUICIDE!!! Talking about suicide, least for me is to let off steam. I suffer from chronic suicidiality and need an outlet. Twitter is my outlet if suicide upsets you, maybe you should find another platform to use. or better yet, don’t follow me or even better, MUTE the word so it doesn’t pop up in your timeline. I am sick of being reported. I know what to do should I feel like ACTING on my thoughts/feelings I have the emergency numbers and I can call my psychaitrist 24/7 if I need to. and, get this, I know where there is an emergency room where I can be admitted if that feels like I should be right now. Suicide doesn’t mean end of life when talking/venting about it. so, yea, today has been a hard day because of my damn things on my chest. I wore a tank top in public for the first time and I will never wear one again because I felt too exposed. I didn’t feel manly. I felt like a fucking female. and it hurts. it fucking does and if you don’t understand it, get off my fucking timeline. I am not going to explain how I feel like an asshole because I am in the wrong body

9 Aug 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

9 Aug 2018

I had wanted today to be a self-care day. I made breakfast and coffee, then went up to my room, hoping to finish Norse Mythology. I have a few chapter left. I played with my phone and then settled down to read. I read one chapter when the coffee made me really sleepy. I wanted a nap and was all settled when t-storms came out with high winds and pouring rain. I grabbed my ankle brace and a sock then left my room. I had the hallway window open, which was all wet as the rain was coming in. The stairs were wet. I closed the windows and was glad I didn’t put the sock on before leaving my room as it would have been wet. I went downstairs and my mother was oblivious to the weather. She was in the bathroom, her walker blocking the tiny hallway we have so I had to go through the dining room to get to the kitchen. Rain was wetting the screen door but didn’t come in too much. The kitchen windows were still closed which I am glad as they were drenched with rain. I put my brace on once I put a towel on the floor by the door just in case water decided to come in.

I then peeled potatoes for dinner. I accidently took out fish instead of American cheese. I didn’t realize the error until I felt the bag and wondered why it was really soft. Then I read the label and was like oops. So I had to make dinner now because my mother is still not making big meals. I chopped up the potatoes after peeling so they would cook faster. My mother told me how to make the fish as I have never made it before. It cooked quickly as I made the mashed potatoes, which I made soupy as I put too much milk in it. Oh well. My mother wanted to make potato pancakes with the leftovers. I guess she won’t be able to now.

I am really hurting. My ankle bone has been feeling like someone is hitting with a hammer for most of the day, in spurts. I had taken a BT med before I went downstairs to cook but I was on my feet a lot of the time. I got to do the dishes but I am out of gas. I called my mother and she said she will do what she can do. I said don’t hurt yourself! I will feel horrible if she did. I wanted her to call my sister to do them. Fuck. I wish I wasn’t so tired and my ankle wasn’t hurting so much, both of them are hurting. I still need to take my meds. I think it is going to be an early night for me, but not too early as I will wake up before 1 am and then be up for the night.

Swear post warning offensive language here in

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Swear post warning offensive language here in

So about two hours ago, I was smelling something. Had no idea what the hell it was. I thought maybe a cord was burning, something was catching fire, checked all my wires and electrical stuff. Nothing. I go downstairs to see if my mother sprayed something, and it is coming from the hallway, or so I thought. I went back upstairs. The smell got worse. I decided to open the damn window, screw the storms. I shut the vent or opened it (no idea) on my AC. Then go downstairs again because I had to pee. I check on my mother as her sugar was low. She was fine and then I see the culprit. One of my sisters bought a Renuzit freshener thing that was pineapple and coconut. It was stinking up the house. I shut it, told my mother, put it in the kitchen, and then went back upstairs fucking swearing.

I was talking with my BFF about stuff. I asked if she was okay. She said she was but I knew she was stressed. I won’t go into it but I was glad she told me. I was getting sleepy so I told her goodnight and I will check in with her tomorrow. She said she hopes to sleep too. I lay down, and my fucking legs become stone and hurt like fucking hell. I sit up, take some magnesium as that is the only thing I can think of to calm it down. I shift my position, causing me to move my ankle. Dumb fucking move. I saw fucking stars. Still hurting so fucking bad. I waited, hoping it would settle down. It didn’t. BT med time! I start having anxiety. I am ready to call my fucking psychiatrist, but what the hell is she gonna do? It is fucking midnight. I hate this fucking shit.

All day I have been having body dysmorphia issues. I really hate my breasts. I want top surgery so damn bad. But because of my damn pain issues, I can’t have testosterone treatment, which is delaying the fucking top surgery consults and what not. If I had the money, they would be long gone! I would find a decent surgeon and be done with it. I hate my body. I hate myself more. I feel like I am a fucking idiot who should be fucking dead. My therapist said that it was reasonable that I am thinking about suicide. Who wouldn’t be if they were in my crummy shoes?

I have tried to get my head around it. Someone reported me, again, to Twitter about my talk about suicide. I have no idea what tweet it was as they didn’t tell me. If I did, I don’t remember it. I know I posted last Friday after my pain doc appt. But I don’t think I have posted anything this week. Unless the word itself, suicide, is what freaks people out and makes them report people. I don’t know. They are assholes. If they would talk to me, that would be okay. I don’t know. Sometimes I want to talk and other times, I get the concerned but I don’t know what to do with you people. And it is all fake sometimes. Pisses me off, like bother someone else with you fake sympathy or whatever bullshit you are giving me right now. I know what to do if my safety is in danger. Been down that road one too many times and don’t think that just because I talk about suicide that I don’t know the crisis number or the crisis text number or someone I can call if I feel like I am going to act on my thoughts/feelings. It’s as simple as that. Do I want to end my life, yes I do. Do I want to do it right this second? No. But the time will come when I have all my ducks in a row to execute my plan. I am working with my therapist to kind of break the cycle of overwhelm/end my life thoughts. But until then, I can still plan. It is an escape. You don’t believe me, do research.

I want the meds to work NOW. I don’t want to fucking wait. I am tired of waiting. I used to be a patient person. Now I am realizing being patient, means just that. You are a patient of some kind to someone. The pain doc, psychiatrist, physical therapist, etc. you have to wait to see them. And it fucking sucks. I am tired of waiting. I want treatment now. And dammit, if I don’t get treatment, I am going to die. Maybe not by the damn disease/condition I have, but by other means, which I don’t know exactly what they are. This dying this isn’t easy. Probably is if you have some lethal illness but not a chronic painful one.

I hate that I can’t move my damn ankle the way that it is suppose to move. It gets fucking upset with me. Going down the stairs or up the stairs aggravate it. My right ankle is sprained so it hurts because the tendons are swollen and stretched a little bit more than they are supposed to be. I also walked a lot today. And went up and down the stairs a lot to find out what that fucking smell was that was irritating my respiratory system. Set off my allergies big time. I am sending them a text tomorrow and put it in all caps. That will tell them how fucking pissed off I am. Assholes. I don’t know which sister it was, most likely the middle one but I can’t be sure. They will definitely hear about it later today.

8 Aug 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

8 Aug 2018

I had a good session with my therapist. I told him about the saga with my primary care office. I had to nurses, both beginning names with B that I called bubbleheads because that is what they are. After we talked about those idiots, I told him about how my suicidality was up and down and all around. He said that it seemed like I got some powerful emotions going on that overwhelm me and then my thoughts say fuck it, end my life. He was right about that. I am very overwhelmed with things right now, not only in trying to get my pain somewhat managed and taking care of my mother. It would be a hell of a lot easier if the lunatic wasn’t over the house every damn day as she is just stressing me out to the point where I don’t even want to be home to hear her. My mother isn’t that bad. She can manage breakfast, the lunatic usually does lunch, and then my middle sister does dinner if I am not home. Next week is going to be hard because I told him, I have a shit ton of free time as he and my psychiatrist is away. He then said I am free to text him until Saturday night as he leaves Sunday and won’t be available. That kind of helped me as his texts kind of reassure me that someone is validating what I am feeling.

I asked if it was stupid to get a planner and just “schedule” some things. He said no and encouraged me to do it. So after the appointment, I went to Walgreens as they have school planners available. I would have gone to Slate, but it was raining. I should have gone to Slate as I bought the wrong fucking planner. It is a 2019 planner, not a 2018-2019 one. Fucking idiot I am. I got my old planner out and ordered undated calendar refills. They didn’t have weekly ones so I am not sure what I am getting. At least that will hold me for a while. It was 5 bucks so not a huge deal. I can use the other planner when the year starts, if I am still around.

I don’t think I had the air cast on right. I swear every time I use it, I have it a different way than the way I had it before. By the time I left my therapist’s office and was waiting for the bus home, my right Achilles was hurting me. I wanted to take it off but I knew it would be a good idea as I am so fricken tired. I didn’t write a blog yesterday because I just crashed around 8 pm. I don’t think I am going to watch the game tonight. I missed the home run derby last night in the 10th inning. All I know is one minute the game is tied, the next it is 10-5 Sox. Game over. LOL. We got our 80th win. Sweet. I am so happy for our team. I love my boys. I have included some of my favorite players in this blog. Hope I don’t get in trouble for using it lol

L to R, Andrew (Benny) Benintendi, Mookie Betts, Brock Holt