Category: depression

legs don’t want to work

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Legs don’t want to work

My legs hurt today for some reason. I wish I could say that it is because I walked too much or something but I haven’t done anything the past few days. Other than leaving the house Monday for my MRI, I haven’t left the house. I just showered and I feel a little bit better. My groceries will be arriving soon. Just hope I can go up and down stairs.

My surgeon got back to me. I will see her next week for the discharge that I have. Sucks that I have to go through this another week. I was hoping that it was done but when I looked at the pad before taking it off for my shower there was some yellow stuff on it. I don’t care I am wearing boxers today. I will change into underwear before bed. I was getting chafed by the underwear elastic because I got a size too small. I need a break. I still have a stitch on my belly. I don’t know why it is still hanging on me. I tried to gently remove it but it is stuck on me pretty good. I will have the surgeon look at it if it is still there next week.

I don’t know what to do today. It is cloudy and muggy. I might go to the square this afternoon to mail my letter and get some cheese. I want to make a grilled cheese sandwich. I am really craving a bowl of Chex cereal. My groceries came and I don’t feel like doing anything now. I am so damn tired. I made quiche for lunch and am pretty full. I also had my second cup of coffee. I have been having at least two to three cups a day and I am still tired. It was muggy in the kitchen so I opened the door. It is cooler outside than it is in the house. I am sweating though. My mother called me to tell me to pick up the milk from my cousin. Going up and down stairs really exhausted me.

I am glad I checked when I am seeing my uro NP tomorrow. I thought it was at 2 and it is at 1. We have a lot to discuss. Since stopping the Flomax I am finding it easier to cath. I don’t get the urge as much but I keep track of the hours in between caths. It still hurts when I void so I cath when I can. I also increased the tolterodine and that has helped a lot. I don’t know what the NP will say to this but we will see. I think she will be ok with it.

Rude Awakening

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Rude awakening

I woke up in the wee hours because I had to pee. I had cathed and didn’t drink anything afterwards but that doesn’t mean my kidneys stop working. I emptied and stayed up for a little bit to check on the Sox game. We won 8-4. I wish we won more games than we lost. Seems for every game we win, we lose 2-3 games. I went back to sleep and woke up around 630 to pee again. I laid down again and my med alarm went off. I then snoozed lightly. I don’t know what time it was but my sister fucking slammed her door and scared the shit out of me. I woke up so damn startled. I was up but I tried to get back to sleep but I couldn’t. around 930 my surgeon’s nurse called me. I still have discharge. She said she will talk to the doc and get back to me either this afternoon or tomorrow morning. UGH. I also said I requested some more ibuprofen but haven’t heard back. Her response was that the surgeon was busy. No fucking shit.

I got up to have coffee. I didn’t eat anything. I wasn’t really hungry. It was hot in the kitchen. I drank my coffee and then went back to my room to cool off. My mother asked if I was going to the grocery store. I said no. I asked what does she need and she said she needs eggs. I never went to the butcher’s shop for cheese.

Today is T shot day so when I came back to my room, I gave myself the shot in my left thigh. It hurt so it flared up the nerve pain. I wasn’t in the best of moods. I got an email from my neuro saying she wrote a provider letter. I read it. It had my MRI report in it. I still have a collection of fluid in my spine but it is much less than it was. She did say that I had some disc material at the nerve roots at L3-L4 but nothing to require surgery. I was glad to hear that. I guess I am just going to have to live with this nerve pain in my thigh. I asked what can be done about it. I am waiting for a response.

My new coloring books came along with my new stamps. I collect stamps. I don’t do it actively because I don’t always have the money for them. I shaved today and then washed my face. It felt good to have some cold water on my face. I meant to brush my teeth but forgot. I will the next time I go pee.

I had some protein pancakes for lunch. I also had another cup of coffee. I was in the kitchen minding my own business when my mother came in to make herself lunch. She wanted a conversation and I wasn’t in the mood for one. I am feeling pretty grumpy and shitty. I just want to sleep. I might take an afternoon nap. I just feel so blah. Heat is not helping as it is quite muggy today. I really can’t wait for cooler temps.

feeling depressed and ugly

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Feeling depressed and ugly

I’ve been up since four this morning. I had a little nap for about 20 minutes before my appointment today. I then had another cup of coffee after the appointment because why not. Sox have a late game and if I am up, I will listen to it. I have been feeling so depressed and I don’t know why. I don’t want to go to therapy next week. I know I might change my mind by next week so I haven’t texted my therapist. My appointment isn’t in the list of visits yet anyways. Probably won’t be until later this week.

I had an appointment with my TG doc today. She had a doc from Brazil come in on the visit which was neat until my internet kicked me off of zoom. My doc called me and we spoke on the phone for the rest of the visit. My blood levels are where she wants them to be so we are staying at the dose I am on. I had no questions for her and doesn’t seem like she wants blood work before our next visit so I am good. I see her in six months.

My mother made BBQ chicken wings so I had that for brunch. They were so good. I had my second cup of coffee afterwards with some biscuits as a dessert. I’ve been feeling full all day. I have been going on the regular to the bathroom to pee so I haven’t put myself on a schedule or alarm. I just been paying attention to what I drink and the hours in between caths. So far I haven’t had any discharge on the pad but that doesn’t mean anything. I sometimes go at night more than during the day. If I am clear tonight then I will switch back to boxers. I tried to get a hold of someone at the surgeon’s office but no one returned my phone calls.

I have been trying to set up an appointment with an oral surgeon so I can get my wisdom teeth extracted and my dentist is being difficult and so is the surgeon’s office staff. My dentist supposedly sent them what they requested but when I called today, they have no record of it. I give up. I just won’t have my teeth extracted. I don’t care.

I haven’t heard back from my neuro about my MRI so I guess no news is good news for now. It will be a week before the report is in my record. I am still having pain in my leg, thigh and shin. Sometimes they are together and sometimes it is just the shin hurting. I don’t know what sets it off but it hurts so bad that it takes my breath away sometimes.

I was able to shower today. It was a real quick one. I wanted to shave my head but I never got the chance. I will try tomorrow. It’s kind of cool so I only ran the AC for a little while just to get the stuffiness out of my room. I bought new coloring books and I can’t wait to color in them. One is a Scooby-Doo book that looks like it is a self-publishing because the pages are on the left instead of the right. It is hard coloring in the book but doable.

appointments and such

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Appointments and such

I had my MRI this morning. I didn’t want to get out of bed. So I didn’t have time to make coffee before I left. I decided to go to Starbucks instead for my coffee. I also had something to eat while there. I was early for my appointment as I had to wait a half hour before being checked in because of Covid rules. The place ran late so I didn’t get called in till around 11. I didn’t have to have contrast so that was good for my veins but bad for the test. If there is something they aren’t going to know if it is new or not.

My surgeon’s office never called me back. I will call in the morning if I don’t hear anything. I still have the discharge. I have been in a lot of pain today because my bowels were hard and I had to push to get them out. I am so sore. I just took more medication. I am hurting.

I had therapy today. We talked briefly about the gender dysphoria. I told her that I am having a hard time showering because I can’t stand to look at my body. I hate myself. At the end of the session she asked if I wanted a second time this week to be productive and I said no. The session today was a tough one because I was so drained from the MRI and walking around the hospital. I just didn’t have the mental energy to be in session today at all. I also didn’t know what to talk about. I didn’t want to talk about trauma again and she isn’t the type to just throw something out there for me to talk about.

Tomorrow I see my TG doc. I got an annoying reminder call. I don’t know why they called me when I had already confirmed the appointment. Pisses me off. There have been no changes since the dose increase other than my blood level increasing. Thankfully, I haven’t had a break out of acne.

I am not feeling well so I plan on taking my meds early and going to bed. Sox are on the west coast and game isn’t until 10 which I am not going to stay up for tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully no other player tests positive for Covid between now and then.