Category: depression

Saturday Blog 25042020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 25042020

My sister was going off on my mother this morning. I have no idea what the argument was about or if she was yelling just so my mother could hear her. She started attacking my gender identity as she call me “whatever the fuck I am”. I was so damn hurt. I still am hurt by this attack. I texted my therapist and she was supportive. She said that she was ignorant. I told her I felt like dying. It is always going to be a trigger for me when someone attacks my identity. I feel like I just have the back of my baby sister and my “kids”.

I had my MRI today. It went well. I was so damn hot in the machine. It was a newer machine so made things really hot. I was sweating. The heat felt good on my back though. Until I got a muscle cramp in the middle of my back. That was not pleasant. I find out the results of the MRI Wed when I see my surgeon. By seeing, I mean over the computer. I got my sister to take a pic of my scar so I could send it to my surgeon. He wanted to look at it the other day but I wasn’t able to position the camera so he could take a look.

Monday I see my therapist the same way. I kind of am glad I don’t have to leave the house to make these appointments and it is kind of good because there is no way I can travel by T right now. I am just not up for it. I nearly collapsed at the pharmacy the other day while picking up my meds. I really thought my legs were going to give out on me. They were shaking so bad. I was so fatigued. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do outpatient things. My therapist was telling me that right now I am not doing any of those things so not to worry about it. I do worry because I don’t want to be in the house all the damn time with the psycho sister of mine. I still am dying for an espresso latte of some sort. And a haircut! I am not sure how the barber is going to cut my hair from now on but there has to be a way.

I saw my psych last night. It was so good seeing her. We talked about things and I am so lucky to have her as my psych even if she doesn’t prescribe meds for me anymore. It is kind of weird seeing her just to see her though. I am still grateful for the opportunity. I really miss her. I think she misses me as well. We have known each other for so long that it is hard to separate ourselves. I have been in contact with her a few times a week, just giving her updates on how things are going. I can’t seem to break that habit.

A snag

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I hit a snag in my recovery. I might have a csf leak. I am on steroids and I need to have a MRI done. Hopefully the steroids and rest seal the leak.

I’m not up to making a long blog so here is a meme

Waves of Depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Waves of Depression

Been having waves of severe depression the past few days. They last about an hour or so and while feeling it, I think the world is ending. Things just seem so hopeless and bleak. I don’t want to do anything but sit on my bed and stare at a wall. I can’t concentrate on Twitter or FB. Lately Twitter hasn’t been holding my interest. I scroll and read some stuff but mostly just scroll without even reading, esp if there is a thread in the tweet. I just can’t be bothered to read someone’s opinion on something for like 10+ tweets.

Today was a pisser of a day. My sister helped me change my sheets. It took her 10 minutes to change them and I was in awe because it takes me at least a half hour. Then she decided to clear an area of my room that was an eye sore. So she cleared that. I went grocery shopping and while I was out of the house, she tore up my fucking rug in that area because she didn’t want the dust to waste vacuum bags. I am fucking livid right now. She wants my room the way she wants it, not how I want it. So fuck you she isn’t allowed in my room anymore. I don’t give a fuck. My therapist wanted me to practice radical acceptance but today, nope. Not happening. I am too fucking angry to practice that shit.

Because my sister was cleaning this area of my room, she had piled stuff on my bed so I couldn’t rest properly after food shopping. I had to lay on the couch with the TV blaring. I didn’t sleep. I did rest though which is what my back needed. My back had started to spasm like it did yesterday and I wasn’t able to control the spasms. It took some serious down time to make the pain stop. I wanted a nap so bad but I never got the chance to sleep. I think it is because I had strong coffee at 1230. I just been going since then. Even now that it is after 8 pm I am still not feeling tired even though I should be.

This morning when I woke up at 2 am I had headaches. I sent a message to my surgeon about them and he got back to me today saying he wants to see me. I see him tomorrow morning via zoom. I am glad he wants to see me because these stupid headaches have been debilitating. I hate waking up with them. I don’t know if it is a CSF leak or what but I want him to be aware of what is happening in case it is.

I just ordered some face coverings that I thought were being shipped from the US. Nope. China. So I won’t get this until a month or so from now. Just lovely. IF I had known, I wouldn’t have bought it. I will check on amazon next time.

chasing what is already gone

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Chasing what is already gone

This song has been in my head for the past hour so I thought it would make a good title for today. It is a song by my favorite country singer Mary Chapin Carpenter. She has been doing some segments from home and it has been awesome seeing her like every other day with a new video of her playing her music.

Today I found out I am not as strong as I thought I was. I had to go to the pharmacy because they were not answering their phones. I went there and found out they were processing the wrong medication. I was livid. Then they told me it would be three hours before the script could be filled so I went home and my legs felt weak so I didn’t go food shopping like I had wanted to. I had to go back to the pharmacy to pick it up three hours later and while I was waiting in line, I felt like I was going to collapse. There were three people ahead of me. By the time the person in front of me was up, I was starting to feel weak in my legs. The tech couldn’t find the woman’s meds. It took her a while to find them. I thought by then I was going to collapse. Then the guy that was in front of her had his meds screwed up so they had to do it over because they didn’t have his insurance information. UGH. They called me and I felt so weak. I got my meds and the things my mother wanted and then I sat down. I was going to leave but I had to rest. The muscles in my legs were pulsating. I was worried I wasn’t going to make it home. By the time I reached the house next door, I was breathing really heavy. I sat on my porch for a bit before going in the house. It has been a couple hours since I came home and I still feel weak in my legs. My back is hurting me like the Dickens. I just took some pain meds. I sent a text to my therapist asking if it was ok to take my meds when I am hurting and she said yes. I somehow needed that reassurance that it was okay to take my pain meds when I am hurting really bad because sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve relief.

I got my headphones in my ears listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter as I recover from today’s outing. I am not planning on moving from my bed. I might go downstairs to have a bowl of cereal or pancakes for dinner. I don’t feel like cooking and don’t think it would be wise to do so. The pancakes are already made. I just have to heat them up. I love these pancakes because they have protein in them. They have a different kind of taste to it but other than that they are good. They are made by Kodiak.

I am using headphones because sound and air waves are bothering my foot. I hate this allodynia. Just hope it doesn’t keep me up tonight. I did a lot of standing so I might be hurting big time tonight. I am glad I took the pain med when I came home.