Category: mood disorders

a day of baking in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A day of baking in pain

I fell asleep sometime after 2000, only to wake up around midnight. I stayed awake for a few hours. I think I went back to sleep sometime after 0300. I woke up 6 hours later in pain. My back was hurting. It went away after moving about some. I got my spare change and went to Stop and Shop to turn it in and buy a few items. The change came to like $9 and the 3 items I bought, butter, a dozen and a half of eggs, and Cheerios, came to about $7. I went back home.

My foot wasn’t hurting me but once I started preparing for baking, it flared. I made 2 Nantucket cranberry cakes. One was regular and the other was gluten free. I made the gluten free one first. I tasted the batter and it was awful. It left such a nasty after taste that I drank some almond milk to make it go away. It didn’t work. I was really tired after making this one cake so I rested a little bit before making the second one. For some reason, the batter was different. It usually is thick but it wasn’t. It tasted okay with the regular flour. I don’t know why it was thin. I did use a little more vanilla extract than it called for so maybe those extra drops thinned it. I don’t know. It cooked okay. Both cakes kind of caved in after they cooled off, which was weird. That didn’t happen before. My foot was absolutely killing me after I put the 2nd cake in the oven. I put on the timer and then went upstairs to take some pain meds.

I basically just played with my phone for about a half hour or so. My mother needed the oven so she could make dinner. I was waiting all day for my PT to respond to my emails about resuming PT. Apparently, their facility needs clearance after a hospital admission, even though I was admitted for psych not medical. So weird. I emailed my psychiatrist and asked her to contact my PT to clear me. I see the PT next Tuesday. She wants me to do a pain and restorative function program but I am not sure I want to do it. It meets like twice a week and it is an all day thing where you go in at like 0830-1430 or so. It’s a combination of meeting with a pain doc, an OT, and PT. It sounds pretty intensive and I am not sure I am up for it as my stamina has not been so great. My former PCP wanted me to try it but I never got a chance to even look at it as my father got sick and then died. It was hard to deal with at the time juggling everything. I don’t know if I want to continue in the PT this therapist has because I just am not motivated to do the things she wants me to do. The depression is making everything harder and just getting out of bed is a hassle.

I went to the Dell website and tomorrow I will be getting the laptop I want. It is just a little more than $250. I hope I budgeted right. I am getting my haircut tomorrow for the RMV. I really don’t want my pic to be a Chia pet right now as my hair is all over the place. I hope I am not there all day. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow morning so I will be wearing my AFO instead of the boot. I set my alarm for 0715 so I can catch the 747 bus. The barbers open at 0830. I want to be in and out. Hope there are no bus delays, I won’t be happy if there are.

Appts for the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Appts for the day

I got about 2.5 hours of sleep. I was up till around 5 because my pain was bad. I made it to starbucks for espresso and then left to go to the registration department at my hospital to change my name. It took about 5 minutes to do as I was the only person there. When I got to my psych’s office, I had them print me an extra label so I could take a pic of it but they cut off my last name when they ripped it from the machine. Oh well. My psych took me early, which was good. She usually runs late. She signed the paperwork for the RMV and we talked about the hospitalization not being helpful. I also told her the Zoloft was making me nauseous. We agreed to decrease it to 25 mg and if it still was making me sick, I could stop it.

While I was meeting with her, my PT called and left a message. I emailed her. She told me that I could go through some pain program and sent me information on it. She said that I needed to be cleared before going back to PT and I am not sure why that is as this was a psych admission not a medical one. Even when I tried to make an appt with my PCP’s office they had no idea what I was talking about. I emailed her again for clarification. I made an appt with her for next week, which I hope I can keep.

After my psych appt, I went into Boston to find the RMV. I am so glad it is around the corner from the train station. I will go there Wed. After finding it, I came home and wanted to rest for a bit before leaving for my therapy appt but my ankle acted up and I was not able to rest. I made some tea and then went to the bus stop to catch the bus.

Therapy went okay, though I need some time processing it. He got shrinky on me as before we ended he said that my “mommy and daddy issues were the real issues not my current ones”. Basically, because I haven’t dealt with my parents’ rejection and neglect, they were causing my problems, not my physical pain and suicidality. Whatever. I’ll write a blog on that once I think more about it. I am too tired.

On the way home, my ex-ex-girlfriend texted me and then “took a nap”. She does this to me all the fucking time and I am sick of it. She asked how I was doing and I didn’t answer her. I told her I was going to bed and then she said that I “ignored her for two days”. Um, text works both ways. I didn’t hear from her either. I was in bed sleeping most of the last two days. Kind of hard to text someone when you are sleeping all day. Then she called me a freak and that I was free to delete her. I blocked her number and then blocked her on Facebook. Fuck her. I don’t need drama in my life.

Went upstairs to my room and my bones in my ankle and foot flared up. I so want to fucking sleep!!!! I was in the boot for most of the day. Hope my night meds knock me out. Day 3 of supplement and haven’t noticed anything except my appetite seems to be low. I am eating but only 1 to 2 meals a day. I made an egg and cheese burrito and then had cereal when I came home from therapy. I was going to make hot dogs but didn’t feel like making them. I haven’t lost anything yet but I am only weighing myself weekly. I really just want to lose the belly fat but don’t know if that is possible. Still have 27 days on the stuff so only time will tell.

Sunday Blog 19 Nov 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 19 November 2017

I just made a cup of tea. I pretty much slept all day as I didn’t get to bed until around 3 am. Pain was keeping me up. I couldn’t believe I went about 12 hours without pain meds and didn’t wake up to withdrawals. I took them when I did wake up as well as the weight loss supplement. I am not noticing any side effects from it.

A fellow blogger friend shared a Chicken Caesar Salad wrap so I will be buying the lettuce and chicken to make it. I love chicken Caesar salad. I just added them to my grocery list, that seems to be growing. Every time I get a craving for something, I add it. I usually take it off after a few days or when I am ready to check out as I like to stay within a certain amount for the month. Doesn’t always work but I try.

I made plans to see my friends in south of Boston after Christmas. I will be making a marinara sauce. I will just buy the meatballs either before I leave Boston or when I get to their house. They have a grocery store around the corner from them. I am so excited to cook for them. I am bringing what I need and they will supply the cooking stuff like pots and what not. It will take a few hours to cook so we will watch movies and stuff. It should be an awesome day.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I have my psychiatrist appt in the morning and then my therapist in the evening. It is going to be a busy week as it’s Turkey day this Thursday. I need to make 2 cakes Tuesday, one with regular flour and one gluten free. I plan on making the gluten free one first so I don’t have to wash out the bowl. I hope my sister’s mother in law likes this cake. I will be baking it in a throw away container so she can take it home.

Wed I go to the RMV to change my name and gender. I can’t believe they charge you to change your gender. Like seriously? It really costs $25 to go from F to M?? Just 2 key strokes on the computer? I don’t know if they allow debit cards or not (some places only allow checks) so I am bringing a check with me just in case. My psych will be signing the form tomorrow when I see her. I also have to renew my license as it expires next month.

As money is tight right now with all this name changing business, I can’t save any money for a new laptop. I just have my old laptop to use as my newer one needs to be fixed. I might buy the connection wire and bring the laptop with me when I go see my friends as my friend’s hubby is good with computers. If that doesn’t solve the problem, then I will definitely need a new laptop which will be around $600 with what I want on it. I probably won’t be able to buy a new one until after the new year. The good news is that my mother had a ceiling fan that is new and never used. She wanted to use it for my office but the ceiling is too low. My room is low and just barely clears my outstretched arms. It makes it easy for me to clean as I don’t need a stool. I just stand on my tippy toes, lol. I wish it had a remote for the light and fan like my sister has but those cost over $100. I’ll take free as now I don’t have to stress so much about money this month.

Saturday Blog 18 November 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 18 November 2017

I had a busy day. I woke up early, no thanks to my fricken cousin who wanted to return something to my mother. He woke her up for her to go downstairs and let him in. I was wondering what I was going to do today. I decided that I needed to change my sheets. I wanted to put on a hospital blanket because sometimes the comforter is too warm as my room gets really hot now that my mother turns the heat up. It needed to be washed so I cleared off the washer and put it in. Then I made breakfast. I made oatmeal pancakes. They were good.

My next adventure was to go to the square to get some gluten free flour and some eggs as we were running low. The flour was expensive. For a small bag, it was like $4.59 and I don’t think it was even a pound of flour. I hope my sister’s mother in law likes this cake I will be making for her. She is always picky because she has celiac disease, which I understand but she is such a bitch about it. My mother makes desserts that she can’t have so I wanted to make something for her that she can have. She can take it home with her, if she likes it, as I won’t eat two cakes. I am making a regular one as well. I plan on making the gluten free one first and then use the regular flour. This way I only have to wash the mixing bowl once.

After I got my two things, I went to the bus stop and missed it by like 5 minutes. The next one wasn’t for another fricken hour. I caught the bus to the Hill and waited for the bus home there. My ankle was hurting so I didn’t want to wait at a bus stop.

I came home and rested for a little while before clearing off my bed. My mother had folded the blanket so I brought it upstairs. Once my bed was clear of my “office”, I took the bedding off. Then I wrestled with the clean sheets on my bed. My back was killing me and my ankle was being a fuck. I wanted a shower but knew my ankle would divorce me if I took it then. I was so wiped out that I took a nap. My mother called me around 1430 but I didn’t pick up as I was so damn tired. She wasn’t feeling well as her sugar dropped. She had taken some pain meds for her back and it made her sick. Poor thing has been puking everything she eats. Her sugar has stayed low. I’ll check on her throughout the night.

After I woke up, I decided to take a shower. I was sweating as my room got hot and I was really warm under the blankets. I have the window open but no cold air was coming through. After I finished my shower, my brother in law came up to look at my ceiling fan as it has been making noise. He said the motor is going, which I suspected. I have been using it so much this year. Now I need to get a new one. I shopped online for one to get an idea on the price. He told me which kind to get. He said it would be $40. HA. NOT! I wanted one with a remote. Home Depot didn’t have any that came with one within my price range so I checked Lowes. I found a nice one for $123. A little bit out of my range but it looks really nice and comes with a light dome. I didn’t want one like the one I had which was 4 light bulbs. I have a small room and just use 2 bulbs that are energy efficient. I am going to check Amazon to see if they have the fan I want at Lowes. Maybe I can get a cheaper price. My bro in law said he will install it for me. I just hope it is sooner rather than later. He takes his time doing things and I really can’t be without a ceiling fan. I cannot tolerate heat at all. I rather be cold.

I had to cut my budget expenses to pay for this fan. I won’t be eating out at all this month and because my next check comes after Christmas, I won’t be able to get anyone any gifts. I feel bad about this. Every year is the same. Last year I was able to get gifts for my sisters and their kids, and my bro in law and mother. This year it won’t be happening. I still need to repair my screen that I broke, but that won’t be until next pay period. I don’t think it will be that expensive. I just hope they can go by the frame as that is still intact. Otherwise, my brother in law will have to measure for a new one.