Category: mood disorders

hodgepodge 999

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hodgepodge 999

My foot is keeping me up so my brain is thinking of things that is making it harder to sleep. Tonight’s thoughts are centered around my ex-ex-girlfriend. We are no longer friends because she said she wanted to “jump my bones” when she sees me next summer. The last time we talked by phone which was more than a few weeks ago, she told me her neighbor, a male, had raped her a couple of times and they also had consensual sex. She got upset that night we talked because this neighbor and her got into an argument so she cut herself pretty bad. She has a lot of mental health issues, her deepest one is being repeatedly used as a sex toy by her father. I think that this along with her bipolar disorder has made her a sex addict. She wasn’t getting the affection from her neighbor anymore, so she cut. It upset me, not because she cut, but because she was having relations with a male. I was a female when I met her. She was out as a lesbian. We had relations for about two years. She was my first love.

I had started to fall out of love for what reason, I am not sure. She is very self-centered, always putting herself first. Whenever I was having a hard time, she ignored me and then told me her problems. Often times she would text me and then shower or fall asleep. In the meantime, I had no idea why she wasn’t responding. It hurt that she didn’t respect my feelings of whatever I was going through and truly couldn’t be there for me. She tried a few times, but she really didn’t know how to be supportive. Or she would say something supportive and then move on to her problems. She has MS and is prone to falling. One time we were texting and she told me she fell. I didn’t hear back from her till the next day. I was going out of my mind about what was happening to her. Sometimes she would end up in the ER because she needed stitches. Why would you tell someone you fell and then not respond afterwards with what is happening?? I was getting annoyed because this happened more than once. A few times she was in an emotional crisis and then I wouldn’t hear from her for hours. She fell asleep from the meds she took, usually her klonopin (not lethal dose). It was emotionally draining. I loved her but I didn’t like being used as this support and not having it returned. She said she loved me all the time but I was questioning that love because she said it so easily yet I felt they were just words she was saying without no meaning behind it.

After I found out about the neighbor and she was still “friends” with him, I couldn’t stand it. How could you continue to see someone that 1) takes advantage of you and 2) rapes you because they got high?? I started being distant with her. On our last contact, after she said she wanted to “jump my bones”, I told her I didn’t want to see her next summer. We had other words but I don’t remember what they were and I deleted her messages. We didn’t speak for 2 days and this was because I was in a flare with my ankle/foot. I pretty much was in bed and sleeping for those days. She didn’t text me at all and I didn’t care. But she was upset that I didn’t text her. I didn’t fall for the bait this time. She called me a freak and said to delete messages from her. So I blocked her number on my phone and on Facebook. I didn’t say anything else other than to thank her for calling me a freak. I then said bye. If she has tried to contact me, I have no clue. I still care about her even though I don’t love her. I’m just worried that she cut herself again with ending our relationship. I know that isn’t my fault, if it happened. I still think about her. I need to stop thinking about her. But my brain is still analyzing the situation.

Thanksgiving 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Thanksgiving 2017

I woke up around 3, my foot still ablaze in pain. I somehow managed to go back to sleep and then woke up at 11. I only got up because my bladder said I had to. Holy pain!! I barely made it to the bathroom. I wanted to brush my teeth but I couldn’t stand too long. I went up to my room and took pain meds. I really just wanted to stay in my bed all day but knew that wouldn’t fly with today being a holiday.

I went back to sleep for a bit. My brother in law never replaced my ceiling fan. He was on call at his work and of course, got called in, three times! Guess there were problems with water heaters. My sister called me to say dinner was ready around 1400. I put the boot on and went to my sister’s. I am glad I didn’t have to leave the house. By the time I came down, everyone had made a plate. I made one and then sat down at the table. My goofy sister wanted everyone to go around and say what we were thankful for. When it was her turn, she kept on being a goof and so was naming everything and anything. The turkey was made by niece. It was ok, though I like when my mother makes it. I later found out she put in a clove of garlic. That was why it tasted different. I was so full for dessert but had a cup of tea and some pumpkin pie. The other pies that my brother in law bought were not good. He said he is going to take them back. I hope he gets a credit for them. They were terrible. The apple pie dough was not cooked!

My mother went upstairs after dessert. We were all just hanging out when we heard a thump. We asked my niece to go upstairs to check on my mother. She was moaning so we all went upstairs. She had tripped over a chair and fell on her knee replacement knee. It bruised up right away. My brother in law helped get her up and then we all helped her to the living room. She won’t be going upstairs to her room tonight. She is really sore. I feel really bad she is hurting so much. I gave her some ibuprofen right away to help with pain and inflammation. She is icing it but can only do it for short periods as it hurts to touch it. She has neuropathy from the diabetes so touching any part of her leg hurts her. I just finished putting a sheet on the couch, getting my mother’s night meds, and her pillow for her. My foot is thanking me in HUGE shocks of pain.

Other than helping my mother around the house tomorrow, I am not planning on doing anything else. I am going to try and stay off my foot or be in the boot if I have to be walking around the house. My foot/ankle just don’t want to move the way they should and if I try to, they hurt like hell.

The radiology report is finally in my online records where I could read it. Doesn’t sound too good. I don’t know if my bones are going to get worse over time or not. Never know with CRPS. I know that it could spread, either up my leg or to other areas of my body or even to my body itself. There are a few people in my UK support group that have it in their organs. It is a very painful condition. It also looks like the “opioid epidemic” is not just in the US but in the UK as well. Someone in the support group said their pain doc just told her her body is “fine” and that she doesn’t need pain meds. Even her GP, who doesn’t know her, cut her pills. I hope she is able to find another doctor that can help her and treat her pain. I would kill myself if I didn’t have the few pills that I have. I know that I want to be put on a longer acting pain medication for night time, but don’t know if I ever will. The chances of me having to increase the strong pain pill dose might happen down the line. I try not to take it but it seems to be helping with this bone pain that isn’t being helped by the regular pain meds. My psychiatrist thinks I should be on methadone for pain control but I really don’t know anyone on it for that. I just know of people with substance use disorders who take it. She has wanted me to be on this drug for a long time. I honestly don’t want to be on it because I don’t think it will help me. I know some people in the UK are on low doses of naltrexone (LDN), which is also used for substance use disorders but in larger doses. I don’t think LDN is used in the US and only certain doctors can prescribe it. What kind of doctors those are, I have no clue. I am guessing substance use treatment doctors, which are a handful of docs. It’s so weird that they want you to be treated for being addicted to opioids, like heroin and illicit Fentanyl, but your primary care doctor cannot prescribe this medicine to treat them. They need to see a specialist or go to a treatment center of some kind to get these meds. And the stigma surrounding addiction furthers prevents seeking help because there is the mentality that it is not a disease, but a character flaw, which is utter bullshit. Addiction is a disease, unfortunate, but with the right help, people can be clean and lead productive lives. Unfortunately, chronic pain patients are the ones suffering because we need the opioids for our pain and do so legally yet are monitored more closely by government officials than doctors. This is because they know heroin, which is an opioid, is not regulated so they can’t go after dealers or those that use it. People don’t go to the pharmacy for those meds. Just sucks because I know one day my meds will be cut off because of politics and my doctor will sign my death certificate. Not the politician, but my doctor who treats my pain. Pisses me off.

Ramblings 320

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mood disorders, physical pain

I was in a lot of pain after dinner. I took my night meds around 1900 and then read Twitter. One author I follow had retweeted an actor/comedian about his movie the Big Sick. He said it was free on Amazon Prime so I decided to watch it on my Kindle fire. It is really good. It took my mind off the pain for a couple of hours.

My foot started acting up once I started moving. I had to go to the bathroom and when I stood, OMG, it dos not like it one bit. My ankle and foot felt like it was fused. I couldn’t move them and if I tried, I was in mega pain. Going down the stairs was difficult. I did my business and then decided to taste test the stuffing my mother made. It wasn’t in the fridge. It was at the other end of the house, on our front porch. It was good. My foot didn’t like going around the house. Hated going back up the stairs even more. I took some pain meds and an Ativan. I am hoping to sleep soon.

I checked my bank account and it was off. I logged on and Zipcar had charged me $70. WTF. My first thought was someone hacked into my account. I went on the Zipcar site and learned it was the annual fee. Fuck. My therapist is not getting paid this month. I wish they had sent me a notification saying they were going to charge me so I could have budgeted it. Assholes. That really set me back. I will still have some money after everything is said and done but I hate skipping a bill because it is hard to play catch up. Next month I should be able to double it, provided no unexpected expenses come up.

I am really tired of being in pain all day. I wish I could stay in my room all day tomorrow but I got to do the family thing. I just hope i am not going up and down stairs all day because I’ll refuse. I don’t want to flare up if I don’t have to.

My mother was cold earlier so I had to turn up the heat, even though it was like 50 degrees out at the time. Now it is 38 and the heat kicked on. It is not cold in my room but it will be roasting soon.  I still have the window open and I think it stopped raining. I rather be cold than hot.

I am going to see if I can find another movie to watch that is free. If not I’ll call it a night and snooze, I hope. Hopefully the pain meds settle the pain a little so I can sleep. I still can’t believe I’ve been in pain from 0730 continuously till now which is 2300. That is nuts. It is just awful.

got things done despite horrible pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Got things done despite horrible pain

I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning when my alarm went off. But my bladder said I had to so I did. My foot hated me when I stood up. It got worse as I walked to the stairs and was murder going down the stairs. I used the bathroom and then brushed my teeth. I was feeling nauseous and fought the gags. I really thought I was going to hurl. I made it back up to my room and took my meds. I wanted to go back to bed but needed to get my haircut and go to the RMV for name and gender change. I got dressed and left.

It was raining but warm, which meant I had to stand while I waited for the bus. My foot despised me. I made it to the square and I was still nauseous so I only ordered 4 shots of espresso and a bagel, hoping the bagel would settle my stomach. It did. While on the bus, I ordered my laptop. I had to pay $20 in tax, which I was not happy about but who is? After I finished my bagel, I went to the barber shop. To my surprise, there were already people waiting. Shit. I was able to get my barber and we got caught up and made chit chat. He did a good job, as always.

I decided to take the train to the RMV rather than take the bus because I didn’t want to be soaked by the time I got there. I was kind of irritable and tired. I didn’t have to wait too long for the train. I also didn’t wait too long for to be called when I got to the RMV. The lady changed everything and I got a new picture and signature. The picture is awful as there were dark rings under my eyes that looked like I had blackeyes. I then went home.

My foot was really hurting but I was hungry so I ordered a turkey BLT as a celebratory meal. It was very good. My mother was baking and using every available counter and table space available to her. I just went up to my room after I ate in my sister’s apartment. I took some more pain meds and tried to sleep but the pain was too great. It got worse as time went on. It has now reached beyond excruciating. I took another pain med.

If it wasn’t raining, I think I would try to end my life. I am just so sick of being in pain. I am so depressed and hopeless that things are always going to be like this. I hate not being able to get ahead of the pain or rest. I am so fricken tired and tomorrow I need to be around family. I am glad I don’t have to leave the house. I can just go downstairs when everything is ready to eat.

For the past hour, it seems like every 15 minutes I am getting a text from the T saying there is a delay, either with a bus I take or the red line. I blocked it. I am not going anywhere the next few days so I really don’t care if there are delays. I just hope I remember to turn it back on on Monday. I should have grabbed my night meds and put them by the bed so I wouldn’t have to get up again. Idiot I am.

Now that I got the RMV out of the way, I just need to update one credit card, my cell phone, Zipcar, and passport. Zipcar sent me a reminder that my license is due to expire in a month. No shit. Soon as I get my new license in the mail, I will update that. I am glad my list is not so overwhelming as it was.

To my US readers, I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving. I am grateful for your readership. Don’t eat too much turkey! Gobble, Gobble!