Category: PTSD

Sunday Blog 22082021

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, CRPS, depression, FTM, mood disorders, PTSD, writing

Sunday Blog 22082021

Post op day 4 hysterectomy

I got some good sleep finally. I feel really good. I am not in as much pain as I was in yesterday. I made sure to empty my bladder throughout the night and that helped. I am cathing every four hours to make sure I am empty completely. It hurts to void so that is why I am cathing. My genital area is sore but that is to be expected and the vaginal entrance is a little swollen. I noticed some clear discharge that is not mentioned at all with the post op stuff so I hope it is nothing to be worried about. I sent my surgeon a message anyway to ask if it is a concern or not.

Only thing I am planning on doing today is reading my MLB book. I started reading it last night as I couldn’t sleep. I read for about an hour and it helped to relax. I wanted to finish the chapter but it was too long. It was covering the two decades of 1900 and 1910. A lot of interesting baseball stuff happened during those years. I am having my doubts about being able to write a book about the history of team names. There is a lot of cross over between the leagues and some cities stays and it just gets confusing because things changed year to year, season to season.

I also plan on watching DS9. I can only watch so much TV before I get bored so if I watch two episodes, I will call that a win. Because of Tropical Storm Henri, baseball has been canceled for today in the New England area. We already had a tremendous thunderstorm and heavy rain. It is supposed to continue until tomorrow. I just hope nothing floods.

I am trying to fight off a nap right now. I am so tired from just having a cup of coffee and some breakfast. I know I am tired from post op. That is a given. It just comes on so suddenly that it is overwhelming sometimes. I am not having a lot of pain today. I made sure I took my pain meds during the night as I had my med alarm set to go off. I still only slept every three hours or so because I had to empty my bladder. My bladder seems to have its own schedule. I am glad I cath. It makes me feel like a man because I am standing while peeing.

I have been in the mood to write something profound but words are escaping me. I want to write a letter to my therapist about my trauma, just talking about one aspect of it and see where it leads me. I have so much emotion pent up in me right now that I think writing about it might help. I might post it on my blog if it isn’t too graphic in detail. I think writing about my cousin’s molestations might be helpful for me. I have been having intrusive memories about it the past few days. The one thing about anesthesia that I had is it brings things to the surface that you are trying to keep undercover. But with trauma there is always something under the surface. Anything that has to do with my genitals is a trigger for my sexual abuse to be in the forefront of my mind, even if I am not conscious of it.

Letting go of a blankie

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, PTSD, recurrent major depressive disorder, suicidality

In keeping with what I wrote yesterday about suicide and future planning, I tweeted this gem “As someone with lived experience, it is hard to let go of the familiar pain. It can be comforting sometimes because it is all we know. Changing or letting go of the pain can be painful in itself. It’s like letting go of a blankie. Hope this makes sense.”

I’ve had horrible insomnia today. I woke up at 1 am and could not go back to sleep. I was able to rest for about an hour. I’ve been keeping my bladder on a 3 hour schedule so I am not overfull and the urge to go isn’t horrible. It has made cathing easier. Because I was up so early, I decided to get my blood drawn for my Testosterone level. It just came back as 294 so I think my doc will be pleased. I have to tell her to give me two vials at a time because one vial just doesn’t work for the dose I need. I used my last refill today.

I made more appts with my PT today. She doesn’t have time next week to see me so I am off a week. I hope she dry needles me tomorrow in my back because today they were flaring big time. I was so miserable as my ankle has been in a flare for more than 24 hours now. I’ve been taking zanaflex around the clock to try and keep the spasms at bay but it might as well be a sugar pill I am taking for all the good it is doing.

I’ve been wicked thirsty today. It is hot and muggy. I had my Starbucks 4 shots espresso with soy milk. It was so good. That has been the only caffeine I have had today. I need to shower but I have no energy. I also need to brush my teeth. I meant to call the dentist today but I never did. Need to find out why I am having jaw pain.

I see a new neurologist tomorrow. I am kind of nervous. Hope she can help figure out the shin pain I’ve been having. Hope it isn’t a CRPS spread. That is what I am worried about as the area is swollen. Just hope she doesn’t want to change pain meds on me. I will be taking an Uber there as I don’t want to expend my energy too much as I have PT in the afternoon. Around noon I am getting my haircut. Got to keep the side and back buzzed at all times.

Guest Podcast

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, PTSD

I am featured today on the PTSD and Beyond Podcast for PTSD awareness month. Here is the link

https://ptsdandbeyond.podbean.com/e/episode-69-share-my-story-with-g/

Wednesday’s Musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, FTM, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, PTSD, transgender

Wednesday’s musings

I had a hard session in therapy Monday. We talked about mourning my mother for not being the mother I needed. It was hard realizing this is what I have to do to get past all these negative emotions I have about my mother. Right now she is in the hospital with either pneumonia or fluid around her heart and lungs and I just can’t deal. I was worried when she wasn’t up when I got up this morning but I didn’t think she had pneumonia. Her sugars were extremely high yesterday, so high that her monitor couldn’t give a number. I care for her as another human being but it is hard when I don’t get respect. The hospital called me to get her medication list and I was deadnamed and I am sure misgendered as well. I was probably called daughter as well. It’s things like this that hurt so much.

I also talked about the weight clinic and how my weight is keeping me from completing my transition. I wrote this on Twitter the other night: “In a frank mood right now. Kind of depressed and suicidal. All because I am a woman who desperately wants to be a man. I’ve dreamt of the day I would get these fucking things off my chest but b/c of a BMI I can’t have surgery. Which leaves me feeling suicidal. People always talk about saving trans lives but they never look at what is in the way of transitioning. I need to be a certain weight for me to be who I am. Totally sexist and discriminatory. I have weight issues and body issues. Going to a weight clinic seems shameful to me. Which only adds to me calling me a fat fuck who should die. Going to a weight clinic is not going to solve the BMI issue when losing weight already fucks with my head. Need to lose weight shit I will starve myself to that end before going to a clinic. And who’s to say once I lose the weight there won’t be another issue to prevent me from being a man? But apparently I can get my uterus out without a problem. Breasts seem to be an issue all the time. I just don’t know if my suicidality will end up killing me before I am a certain BMI.”

It fricken sucks that a number is keeping me from transitioning to a man. I told my therapist I would have my pcp make the referral to the weight clinic and see what they say. She reiterated to me that they are not my family and so wouldn’t abuse or shame me. I am so scared of doing this because of these reasons. I hope that I don’t have to become a salad eater to lose the weight I need to lose. I can only eat salad with a ton of dressing on it. I really like spinach salads but my mother always ends up boiling the spinach on me no matter how many times I tell her not to. She drives me crazy.

I have a UTI that I am waiting to be treated for. I hope they will treat me. I am going to call in a half hour if they don’t call me first. I need to know because peeing hurts so bad and I am going every two fricken hours. I feel so depressed about this. I have been in pain with this infection for the past ten days and I am sick of it. I called my doctor and am waiting for him to respond. I hate waiting. I really do.