Category: suicide

tired of living

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

I am feeling blah today. I just finished taking a shower and though I feel refreshed, I don’t have any motivation to do anything. I have some time to get my coffee before my therapy appointment in a couple of hours but I just don’t feel like being rushed. Every time I do, I forget something, and usually the essentials, such as the keys to my house!

I responded to an email for my CESSG (Cauda Equina Syndrome Support Group) about physical therapy. I hope that the person doesn’t see a chiropractor. That is how all of my problems started. I think that if I was given adequate pain medication in the beginning of my back pain, I would not have gone to see a chiropractor or if I had stopped once the pain did I would not have ended up with CES. All the ifs that go through my mind, looking back.

I am especially feeling out of sorts today because I still have my fricken, goddamned menses. Just when I thought I was getting over it, it comes back in full force. I seriously am suicidal more so now than I was before. I just can’t take being a woman anymore. I have tried to stop the cycle and I am failing horribly. I am so sad. I hate being in this body. I never am going to be a man. And though I should be possibly reaching out for help, I just can’t. I just can’t bear talking about it with someone because I know I will just start bawling like a baby. Just writing about it is bringing tears to my eyes. It just is a deep emotional reaction. And even though I know there are other FTMs out there, I still feel alone. I just can’t cope with this anymore. I doubt that anyone really knows the frustration of dealing with this. I am trying to cope with it but how do you cope with something you know is WRONG?? I know I should probably go back to my reproductive endocrine doc and be like this isn’t working but why bother? She has been trying to stop this beast and has been unable to do so this past year. My confidence in her is down to nothing. I know I probably should go to the experts and see what they know but this Doc is the tops in her field. I don’t understand how hard it is to stop a fucking period. It just doesn’t make sense to me. And with every mense that I get, the closer I get to killing myself. I am done with it. I just want to die. I am in too much pain anyways. My foot was acting up soon as I woke up this morning. It’s sort of fine now as I took my pain meds.

I just am tired of living. Tired of trying to make sense of all this. I really don’t know what to do about my menses anymore. I wish it was easy to get through this but it’s not. Every time I wipe myself and there is blood I freak out. I just don’t understand why I am still bleeding. It’s been two weeks already. This is my third week. I was hoping it was getting less toward the end of the week but I was wrong. I really hate being like this. I hate feeling like a freak. And nobody understands that I am going to end my life because of it. I wish I knew what I was feeling but all I feel is hurt. I feel pain. I feel hate. Hate that I am not who my brain thinks I am. And I get weaker. I get more tired with each passing day. It just takes so much energy to deal with this. To wear underwear now that are made for females is just killing me inside. I might be called a masculine name but I am far from being it.

Tea time

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender

Tea

I know most of you who read my blog think I am mostly a coffee drinker but there are times, like when I am sick, that I drink tea. If it is too late, like it is now, to have a cup of coffee, I will usually make a cup of tea to give me the caffeine I need to keep going. I like black teas, though I bought oolong tea and find I didn’t like it as much as I thought I would. I think it is an acquired taste. I do like herbal teas, lemon, orange spice and chamomile. I usually buy only one brand of tea and that is Bigelow. I find their English breakfast really good. I know it is expensive for 20 bags of tea but I like what I like. I also know that 2 bags of Lipton tea will give me the strength I need that one bag of Bigelow does. I guess I just prefer the taste better. I don’t like fruit teas other than lemon and orange spice, though I have not tried them all. I know I don’t like apple tea. I prefer to eat an apple than drink it, though I do like cider, but I have not had it hot. Starbucks makes a hot cider during the winter months but I never tried it. Maybe I will this season, if I am around.

I still have my bloody menses (no pun intended). It is really showing no signs of stopping, even with the new patch. UGH I don’t know what to do. I hope my doc isn’t on vacation when I call tomorrow. I am not bleeding too heavy but it is just aggravating me at this point and I don’t need the aggravation. I especially hate it when I soil my pants, which is happening almost every fricken day now. And because of the pain in my ankle, I can’t shower every day so that poses a very difficult problem for me hygiene wise. I need to shower and have to force myself to and then pay the consequence of standing for ten minutes. I hate myself so bad. I really get mad at myself and start thinking that if only I had done things differently, I never would have gotten CES. But then if things didn’t play out the way they did, I wouldn’t have made so many online friends and have good relationships with people all over the world.

I really can’t wait for my therapist to be back on Tuesday. There is so much to catch up on. But then she will be on vacation again the week after so I am not happy about that. I wish she would have just taken the two weeks off in a row like normal people rather than take a week here and then a week there. But then she is a looney tune.

I was up most of the night. I didn’t fall asleep till at least 5 or six in the morning. I was reading after a phone call with a friend and time got away from me. I am still reading Team of Rivals and it just got interesting as the Civil War started. I really like this book but can’t believe it took 12 chapters to get to the war. I still have 12 chapters to go as I read almost three chapters last night. I think after I read this book, I am going to go back to the Harry Potter books. I have been meaning to re-read them.

I have to get started on my cauda equina paper. I am getting more and more search term hits on my blog. Though my blog Knackered has many hits, it doesn’t necessarily give the information that people are looking for. I did make my post CES a page, which I hope has been helpful to someone.

Angry Rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I had to remove one of my posts the today because it became a hit for spam messages. I got at least 12 or more a day and I don’t know why. The messages were mostly the same but with long ass names like spelling the same name over and over but dropping a letter in the middle. It was really weird. I thought by changing the name (blog post 389) to something more meaningful it would stop but it didn’t. I am so aggravated by this, and frustrated.

I am up because I was talking to a friend and then I heard some noises so now I can’t sleep. I am fearful my mother is going to have another one of her “attacks” so I might as well stay up just in case. I am listening to my favorite country tracks as I am trying to stay up. I really want to take another dose of pain meds but I don’t want to pass out. My ankle is throbbing something fierce.

My friend asked me a question tonight that got me upset and I got off the phone. She asked me what I have been doing during the day and I could tell by the tone in her voice she really didn’t give a shit. I was done talking. I wasn’t going to explain to yet another person how pathetic my life has become by just going to Starbucks, drinking coffee, and blogging. She never read any of my blogs. She is on the computer most of the time and yet doesn’t read my blogs. That is fine but I thought we had a closer connection. It’s ok though. I don’t know why I am so angry but I am. I am so sick of having to justify every hour of my existence to someone and she just touched the wrong nerve tonight. She was surprised I didn’t want to answer the question and so be it. I wasn’t going to answer it. My prerogative. I had to listen, again, to how she is never having another therapist when her therapist retires, that she is not going back to therapy. UGH I know. You already told me fifty million times you are not getting a therapist. I get it. I wish mine would retire and I could start over. But that is not going to happen because no one wants to deal with a suicidal freak like me. I am so tired of everything and the fact of the matter is that I am thinking of taking my life again. I really want to end it this time. I don’t think I can stand another breakthrough bleeding episode or anything of the sort. I am tired all the time of doing nothing. Yet if I try to do something my foot explodes and I am done. I can’t help my mother with the chores of the house anymore because I am so disabled. I hate being this way. So I just want to fucking die. I will do something to take my life in the next two weeks. There is no significance to the date that I am choosing, though I think it will be the week after. I have to do this. I just do.

midnight demon post

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, suicide

I have been up since 0900. it is now 0300 as I write this. My foot started really hurting at 0200, just when I was about to really get into some sleep. I took my meds just now as it has been a while and a muscle relaxer to try and see if I can sleep. I am just miserable because I have not been able to get a good night’s sleep in two days now. I hope that when I do fall asleep I really sleep.

I emailed my psychiatrist. My therapist is on vacation and there is no way I can talk to her for a check in so I emailed my pdoc. She is good about my emails. I don’t get any responses usually. So I just write what I feel and ship it off to her. I told her my suicidal thoughts have increased because of the pain, having my menses, and lack of sleep. I am thinking of taking rat poison. It’s a good thing I don’t have any on hand. It will take me some time to get it though as I don’t think mice poison will work as well. I will have to do some calculations to get the dose right and I hate math. I used to be good in math until I met Calculus. I sucked at it until my last term in high school. Now I can’t even do basic algebra. I forgot how to do it. good thing there is Google…

I really was having a good day today. Now it is spoiled by pain. I wish I did something to cause the pain but I didn’t. I was just laying in bed for the past few hours trying to get to sleep and playing on my laptop or checking twitter on my phone. I find that I can do stuff on twitter with my phone better than using the web. The phone has features that you don’t have on the web, which is strange. But then, I don’t design these things.

On a sad note, I found out Eileen Brennan passed away and my rookie shortstop for the Sox has been traded to the Tigers. I am deeply saddened by this. I loved Eileen and Iggy. Tonight Iggy made a base running error that was comical. I wish I could post it here but it’s against WordPress and probably MLB policy rights. If you Youtube Jose Iglesias and base running, I am sure there is a clip of it. Or not. I just checked and it’s not there. 😦

I liked watching Iggy play. I think he is a superb player. He has quick hands and a good bat. I am definitely not looking forward to seeing him in a Tigers uniform.

Eileen Brennan I will always remember her in Private Benjamin. I loved watching her there. I know she has played in other shows since then but her performance in Benjamin was hysterical, to me anyways.

So my demons are out and I have to live with them tonight because I am getting not respite from my relief medication. This totally sucks donkey balls. It’s also freezing in my room because I have the AC on. I am covered with my sheet and comforter. I am too lazy to shut off the ac because I know I will have to turn it back on in a few hours when my room gets hot again. Nothing worse than being woken up because you are hot. Maybe that is why I didn’t get any good sleep. My room was too warm, even though I have the ceiling fan running at high.

So these are my thoughts when I am in a bad place. This is why I call them the midnight demons. Because they are demons. they are the dark thoughts that no one wants to hear ever. I was talking to my cousin tonight about my pain and he gave me credit for handling it. I didn’t tell him it makes me want to commit suicide. I did tell him that if my PCP ever stops giving me my pain medication, he might as well sign my death certificate. There is no way that I can live without my pain meds. I am not saying I am addicted to them, because there are days where all I will need is one pill or no pills for a day or so. Then there are days like tonight that I need 4-6 pills to control my pain. I don’t take all of the 4-6 at once. Just 2 every 4-6 hours. In my desperate hours, I have taken 3-4 at once, when I am in a FUCK it mode. I thought about taking that tonight but decided against it. I really am scared about how the new policy my doc’s office has it going to affect me. I am hoping there is no radical change. I won’t be able to handle it. According to this new policy, I will only get a 28 day supply of meds and will need to be seen every month to get it refilled. It’s a standard policy that I have come across from the pain management docs that I have seen. the thing that scares me is that there is a clause that states that if my provider doesn’t see that i am getting better or that there is no change, he might decide to discontinue the medication. I have a condition that is not likely to improve at ALL. If I don’t take this medication, I am screwed. I will be in pain and will likely commit suicide because it will be the only option I have left. I cannot go on suffering like this. I just can’t. I have exhausted all possibilities that this will get better, no amount of physical therapy or other treatments are available to me. I know losing weight is a big thing. And I am trying to work on that but it is not easy. I love to eat which is part of my problem. Even now I am fighting the urge to have a bowl of cereal. But that will mean going down stairs to my kitchen and I don’t think going down stairs will help my pain.

It’s been an hour and a half that I have had this flare up and it doesn’t seem to show any signs of calming down. How I wish I could see my doc right now and tell him how badly I hurt. But my doc is not available at this hour, except for emergency docs which will be the on call doc who might not be mine and won’t know me from Adam. And even if I do page him, there is no guarantee that he or she will provide me with adequate relief at this hour, other than telling me to go to the ER. I hate this bullshit where I am in pain and there is nothing I can do about it other than pray my pain meds work or at least knock me out.

This is what I go through on a daily basis. Why I have not attempted to kill myself is a mystery to me. I have thought about it a thousand and one times and still have not made any attempt to kill myself in the past year and a half. I want to so bad though. I think it will provide me some relief that I am seeking. But if I am successful, then I will be ok. My family might be destroyed but I will be in a better place, I hope, where there is no suffering like this.