Category: suicide

got out of the house

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Got out of the house

I woke up earlier than I thought as the house was quiet so I thought my mother had left the house. Then I started hearing the god forsaken sound of dice hitting the glass table top and I was wrong. It was 0815. I thought about hurrying to catch the 0822 bus but I just woke up and didn’t feel like rushing. I ended up taking the 0950 bus so I could wake up properly and use the bathroom.

I made it to Starbucks, even though the bus hit nearly every single stop getting there. I guess I was in an annoyed mood today because I was hungry. My appetite hasn’t been great the past few days. I have literally just been having one meal and coffee to decrease my appetite. Anyways, my favorite cashier was at the register and didn’t charge me for my espresso. Score. I got my sandwich free because I had a reward. I had my sandwich and played with my phone. I can’t stand being on Twitter anymore because it just talks about the Orange Blunder and his antics, which so annoys me. If they aren’t talking about him, they are talking about his cabinet or SCOTUS pick. I fear this country is doomed for the next four years. Least I won’t know about it as my time here is limited. Pretty soon, if all goes well, all that will remain are these blogs.

After eating my sandwich, I started writing in my journal. I updated it and wrote of my fears of my plan. I seriously have to make preparations that go beyond just writing my will. My friend would like some clothing of mine so I will be sending it to her next week. She had a breakdown the last time we video chatted. It was difficult to see her cry. But since I have become a robot, I didn’t share the feelings she was feeling. I guess that is good that my emotions have been cut off due to medication because otherwise, I think I would be a lunatic.

I need to take a shower but my foot and ankle flared up soon as I took off my sock as I was changing into my PJs. I might take it tomorrow morning if I wake up early enough before heading to my psych appointment. I am nervous about this appointment because it could be the last time I see my psych, if she allows my shenanigans, which she usually doesn’t. She has always been straight and to the point kind of doctor. One of the many reasons why we get along so well.

My therapist friend got back to me this morning and gave me a name for therapy. I Googled her and found that she actually specializes in suicidality. I was shocked to read that on her profile. Maybe if I survive my attempt, we might work out if she is accepting new clients. I kind of sort of want to get in contact with her now to see how she is so that I won’t be disappointed if she isn’t accepting new clients. She is in Harvard Sq. so she is accessible to me, though the walk can be a challenge. We’ll see how it goes. If she isn’t accepting clients maybe she knows someone else that does.

I was listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter as I left the house. Then while I was at Starbucks, an Adele song came on so I switched to her album as I really haven’t listened to her music since I bought her latest album. I really love Adele, though I think her album 21 is better than her current one. There are some songs on 25 that I like and others that are okay.

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by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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having a painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Having a painful day

I didn’t go to sleep till around 0930 this morning. I had been up all night, minus about 1.5-2 hours of sleep, until pain woke me up from a sound slumber. I did sleep for about six hours, when my pain meds wore off and I needed more. I also needed food as I just had some toast with some coffee for breakfast. I ordered a cheeseburger with onion rings. It was good and now I don’t need anymore food for the day.

While I was waking up, I stretched my feet and that proved to be a disaster. My left ankle hated it so bad it caused me severe pain. I don’t know why I did that. Now I am trying to get the pain under control again. I feel like I should be making preparations for my death in a few weeks but I can’t stand so there goes that idea. I will have to make it some other time. I still haven’t worked on my will yet. It’s almost ready, I just need to add some closing remarks.

Last night I watched Schindler’s List. I forgot how gruesome the movie was and inhumane. I pray to all the gods and hope that this never happens again. I could only bear to watch Part 1. I’m too tired to watch the end of the movie tonight so I will probably do so tomorrow night. I didn’t want to give myself nightmares because I know the end of the movie is worse than the beginning.

My mood has been neither good nor bad today. I am just too tired to gauge it. Of course, the feelings of wanting to die are still present. I swear the level of pain dictates how bad the wanting to die urges are and today they are great. The pain is the highest it has been in a long time and with me having no sleep last night, at all, I am just vulnerable to my dark moods. I haven’t emailed my psychiatrist and don’t plan to. Why worry her. I see her Friday anyways and things might change. I doubt it, but there is always that sliver of hope that I cling to.

There were errands I wanted to do today that obviously never got done because I needed sleep and also pain relief. I had my sister pick up my meds at the pharmacy because I can’t walk, least not today. If I get enough rest today, maybe I can do the errands tomorrow.

My foot and ankle are throbbing up a storm right now. I don’t know which is more painful, my foot or ankle, and frankly I don’t care. I hope to sleep soon even though it’s only 5 pm. I just can’t keep my eyes open anymore.

In a Pissed off Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In a pissed off mood

I didn’t go to sleep till well after 3 am. Then around 0500, my foot explodes and I was woken up from a sound sleep. You got to be fucking kidding me! I am still awake as I wait for the pain meds to knock me back out again. This doesn’t bode well as I had things to do today. I guess they will have to wait till tomorrow. I know I am going to be in a pissy mood most of the day and not wanting to leave my bed. I wanted to get at least three books out in the mail today but that isn’t going to happen. Fucking A, I am so mad!!

This hasn’t happened in a while, but I could have slept a little longer than about 2 hours or so. My foot still hurts so the pain meds still hasn’t kicked in yet, though I have take it an hour or so ago. I am not in a good mood at all. I want to make coffee but I don’t know if I can stand on my foot or it will become really angry if I put weight on it. So I am stuck on my bed until the pain meds kick in. Great life I lead, eh?

I am so sick of being in pain all the damn time and being woken up from a sound sleep. I am listening to my favorite music artist, Mary Chapin Carpenter, to help calm me down. Her voice is so soothing. I am hoping it won’t lead me to my dark thoughts, even though I am in a pissy mood.

My mother will be getting up soon. I will be going to bed. Then we will have the conversation of me “sleeping like sleeping beauty”, which I blew up at her at because I was so pissed off of hearing her say that all the damn time. She thinks sleeping all day is a bad thing but when you are up all night, it’s a godsend sometimes. I can see if I was sleeping all day because I was depressed or something, but when you are up all fucking night due to pain, there is a difference.

I feel like paging my psychiatrist and telling her my plans are still on in full force because I haven’t slept all night but 2 bloody hours, maybe less as I really don’t know what time I passed out. It really sucks when you are in a sound sleep and get woken up by feeling like your foot is being torn apart. I thought at first I was dreaming of this pain but I woke up and it wasn’t a dream. Fucker. Maybe I will take another Ativan yet again to calm my ass down and get back to sleep as this pain medicine isn’t doing shit not after two hours. I am agitated as anything. That isn’t good when you are feeling suicidal. If I had hair, I’d probably pull it out. I am glad I have short hair. It makes it hard to pull on your hair. I might go to the barber when I am better and get buzzed again. My hair has grown back even though it’s only been two weeks since my last cut. My hair grows fast. I think it is because I always cut it. Or it could be my psych meds. I don’t know.

I am going to attempt to get three books from my box that is a foot away from my bed. Got them, I was very careful not to put pressure on where the pain was. But as I was getting back in bed, I accidently did so the pain acted up again. Fuck. It’s going to be a day in bed. I just hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom. That will be torture. Oh, how I wish there was a half bath where the bedrooms were.

It feels like I am putting tremendous pressure on my toes when there is nothing there. I have taken my foot from out of the covers so the sheet isn’t on it. Still in pain. It didn’t do much. This is terrible. I hope the Ativan works quickly before I totally lose my mind! It’s the peroneous tendon that is flaring up. I just moved my toes to see what would happen and felt pain in my ankle immediately. Fuck. This isn’t good. In another hour, I can take my regular pain meds. I hate being on a fucking clock schedule for taking meds. But if it keeps the pain away, I got to be on it or else I pay for it. I had taken the strong pain pill when I woke up 2 hours ago because I couldn’t take my regular pain meds as I just took them before going to bed for my 1.5 -2 hours of sleep. I really just want to die. And that will happen soon, I swear, though I am thinking of changing my method of choice. It will be messy but I think I will go on the outside back porch so the clean up can be better than inside the house or in my room.