Tag: back pain

Happy New Year 2021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Happy New Year 2021

Happy New Year to all my readers! Hope you rang in the year peacefully. I was sleeping. I slept all day yesterday. I was so tired. I don’t make any resolutions but I am keeping a record of books that I read. I didn’t do good for reading 21 books last year. I only read 16. I can only try and do better this year.

My shoulder has been killing me the last few days and is causing neck spasms. Because I have had to take Zanaflex, I have been sleepy. The magnesium doesn’t seem to help the neck spasms. I have been taking my breakthrough med and Tylenol to control the pain. It really sucks that nothing seems to set it off. It just hurts on its own. I had trouble sleeping during the night because the pain kept waking me up. I have interrupted sleep during the night. It really sucks.

I have been feeling depressed. Things have just been off with me and I can’t seem to figure things out. I have one more week of the partial program. It has been helpful but I don’t think staying longer will be useful. I will talk to my therapist about it on Monday. I am glad she will be back in the office. I missed her. We have a lot to talk about with my upcoming gyn appointment. It is a pre op exam for my hysterectomy. I don’t know if I will be having it because of the care my mother needs and me not being able to do anything for 6 weeks will just piss off my sisters. I am having my doubts about the surgery anyway so I don’t mind putting it off. I do want to talk to her about any impact the surgery will have on my bladder. I don’t want more problems than I already have. I still have to have the urodynamic testing done. I am not ready mentally for that. I wish it wasn’t such an invasive test.

I am going to have to restart my laptop because my power icon isn’t showing on the taskbar like it is supposed to. UGH. I hate having to restart the laptop. I have to decide what to do with my beard. It is getting long and irritating. I am not good at trimming it so I might just shave it off. I don’t know. I need to shower. I don’t remember the last time I showered so it will be good to take one. I just hope my back doesn’t flare up. It has been acting up a lot lately and I don’t know why. The weather has been constant cold so I don’t know.

My sister has bought a baby monitor so we can look after my mother during the night. I just connected to it. It is pretty cool and the picture quality is good. My mother is still weak but is getting better each day. It has been hard seeing her like this. She is on oxygen and doesn’t breathe right with it. She mostly has been breathing in through her mouth, which doesn’t do the oxygen much good.

I am tired and have a late afternoon grocery delivery. I hope my nephew can help me with it.

shit show of a day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shit show of a day

So this morning as I was making coffee, I answered my mother’s phone. She was having some nursing come and her doctor’s nurse wanted to talk to her. Both women misgendered me and deadnamed me. One of the women couldn’t understand why I was going by G instead of my birth name and why I was a son and not a daughter as I was conflicting with her paperwork. I don’t understand why they couldn’t be gender affirmed in their care.

I shrugged it off as there was nothing I could do about it. I would have to tell my mother that I am her son and to refer me as it on her doctor’s records. I went to group and each one went ok. I had to miss the first one because I didn’t get an email in time telling me where the group was. For some reason I am not getting the email when they send it out. It worked out okay because the last group on the day was on gender. I was bored during some of the groups but it was ok.

My sister gave me the presents from my mother, including my birthday card that said “daughter”. I flipped out. I was so damn fucking hurt. And with the stuff that happened in the morning it really didn’t make me feel good. I texted my therapist, who is on vacation, and she flipped out and knew I was hurting. She asked who else I could reach out to. I had already sent a few messages out to friends that would talk to me. I put on some Bon Jovi to just listen to music. I wanted to listen to something that wouldn’t stir anything up.

I felt bad that I bothered my therapist. I wasn’t looking for support as I knew I wasn’t going to get it, with her being on vacation. I ordered a cheeseburger with mustard and pickles. I got the burger with ketchup. It even said on the paper mustard. Someone can’t read. I ate it anyway. I wasn’t going to let a burger go to waste.

My mother is doing ok. She is still weak. I am not too happy with her right now but there is nothing I can do about it right now. I have to somehow get over this, that she cannot accept me for me. But it hurts so much. I tried crying tonight about it but the tears wouldn’t come. I don’t know why when I felt tearful. I think the citalopram is the reason I can’t cry. It really sucks. I am glad my therapist is on vacation so I don’t have to deal with it.

Sunday full of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday full of pain

I am still in a flare. I have been in pain all day. My foot/ankle have been hurting non stop. I went out briefly to get my prescription as I was running low on my medication. I am glad my insurance filled it before the end of the month because I am not sure how I am going to pay for it next month. After Jan 1st I will have to pay for my meds again until my deductible is reached. My shoulder has also been bothering me today.

I called my mother. She seemed like she was in good spirits despite being in the hospital. We don’t know what else is going on because the doctor never calls us like they should. My sister is getting so frustrated by this. Her appetite is back so I am glad to hear that. She said she was eating crackers when I called. The steroids they have her on must be doing their job but is wreaking havoc with her blood sugars.

I have group therapy tomorrow but I start my new schedule of only going to three groups a day instead of five. This is because I have appointments and we don’t want to mess with the insurance because I am skipping a day. I attend three days a week. This is a relief to me because going five days was really starting to get on my nerves. I am finding the program helpful as it gives me structure but that is all it is doing for me. I am not feeling like it is helping in any other way.

I have been having a down day because of the amount of pain that I am in. I really haven’t been in a flare this long before in a while. Pain is like a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst. It has been like this for days. I hate that I have been in so much pain and there not much I can do about it. Because I can’t do anything about it, it has made me feel suicidal at times. I feel trapped by the pain and want to escape. I posted on facebook that I felt like everyone would be better off without me and that is still how I feel.

My therapist is on vacation this week. I won’t be texting her like I have been because I am not sure she will respond. I am glad I don’t have to text her because she is away. I am also glad to have this break. I am tired. I hope I can sleep through the night but that may not be possible because of the amount of pain that I am in. I wanted to take a nap earlier today but I didn’t. I’ve been up since 9am. But I had broken sleep throughout the night. I don’t know why I keep waking up so damn early. It sucks.

Christmas 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Christmas 2020

I have had a good few days. I had a good day today despite my foot and ankle flaring right now. I spent too much time in my slippers. My mother is still in the hospital. She is probably going to be there for some time. I don’t think they are going to let her home until they know she can be safe from falls. My sisters and I have tested negative from Covid so we have been celebrating this small victory in this hellish year.

I got the new Taylor Swift album evermore CD and am in love with it. I think it is one of her best CDs. I talked about her music with my therapist yesterday. We talked a lot about music yesterday. She scoffed that I like Taylor but I don’t care. I will always like Taylor. She is one of my favorite artists. I told her I like Bon Jovi too and she liked that. And of course she likes him too. So we have something in common.

I took a shower today. I needed to take one as I was really starting to smell. I am going to try and take one every other day like I use to but it has been so hard to do so. I think if it wasn’t so tiring I would be taking them more frequently. It is just a mental hassle as well as physical. I still take a selfie after I shower because my hair does funky things when it is towel dried. It is never the same. My hair just does whatever the hell it wants. I don’t really care unless I am going out. Then it is usually a baseball hat on.

Even though I have had a good day, I am feeling sad. I am just feeling really depressed. I don’t know why. I think it might be because my pain levels are high at the moment. I have been listening to evermore and for some reason my MP3 player separated the featured songs and wasn’t playing them. Sucks. I had to manually add the songs to the playlist.

I have been thinking of shaving my beard off. It is getting unruly. I might trim it. I don’t know. I never know what to do with it. I like playing with the hairs. I will make a decision the next time I shower.