Tag: back pain

Think white noise machine can be marketed as a sleeping pill

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Think white noise machine can be marketed as a sleeping pill

Last night pain was pretty bad. I was up till around 3. It was quiet in my room so turned on the white noise machine and as usual, I was out within 20 minutes. I should know by now to turn it off when I am up in the morning but left it on. I decided to order breakfast, pancakes and Florentine eggs benedict. It was some place I never ordered before. It was way too much food. I was stuffed and I didn’t even eat the pancakes. I figured I would have them for lunch.

I went back to my room after eating and the sound of the machine made me so very sleep on top of all the food I ate. I slept most of the afternoon. I had the pancakes but wasn’t that hungry to finish them off as they were huge. I came back to my room and was sedated again. My mother called me around 4 saying dinner was ready but I didn’t answer. I didn’t want soup. I laid down for a little while and then sat up. I was so sleepy. I turned off the machine and my brain started functioning again.

My brother in law called asking me to lend my laptop to my niece so she could do her homework. When I came back to my room, I tried to put the screen in my window. Couldn’t figure out which groove it went in. I went downstairs to see where it went. Found the groove, went back upstairs, moved some more stuff in front of the window so I could get a better angle to put it in, and still no luck. My back was aching me from being in the bent position so I gave up. I asked my brother in law to put it in for me, he has longer arms than I do. I left the window a little open to get some air. I didn’t want to put on the ceiling fan as it gets too cold. I hope the screen frame isn’t too big for the window, though I seriously doubt it as the only thing that needed fixing was the clips that held the frame together. There is probably some trick I am missing. I was really hoping just sliding it in would work but it seems too big. I hope I don’t have to bring it back.

I made a deep dish pizza for supper. The oven takes forever to preheat so by the time it was read it was before the first pitch of the game. Sox are now losing by 2 runs. Hope we don’t give them 1st place. I will be really upset.

baseball torture

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Baseball torture

My favorite game in the world started almost a month ago. The start times have been finicky and now that we are playing west coast teams, the games start later. I am sure there are probably other baseball games I could watch to pass the time but I don’t subscribe to a sports bundle or MLB TV. MLB TV is just way too much money and the sucky thing is, as the season goes on, it gets cheaper. So you might pay $100 the beginning of the season and then $20 the end of the season. I don’t know if the post season is included. Probably not because it is on national tv, usually. I really want to watch the Sox all the time. I hate having to count down the hours till the games start.

I went to the grocery store today. My mother woke me up around 0830 to put her socks on. The phone was ringing but I was sleeping so had no idea why my phone was making noise. Then my mother came into my room and I figured it out. I tried to go back to sleep but it was useless so I went to the store to get a few items that I knew it would have that I am not able to get through the grocery app. I tried looking for crumpets but they didn’t have them. I am glad I can order them. I bought Irish butter to put on them. My sister got me into it. It is expensive for a little tub but so worth it. I just had some with oatmeal bread that I bought. It was pretty filling than the other bread I bought. Now I am kind of torn because the other kind has thinner slices.

My allergic reaction seems to have cleared up finally. My throat is back to normal and I don’t feel sick. I do have the damn ankle pain. My back didn’t like the morning’s adventures to the store. The weather is about 20 degrees warmer than it has been and that always wreaks havoc on my back. My spine is aching so bad. Ibuprofen seemed to help. I have been taking more of it lately. The temp is only going up and then I don’t know what it is going to do. I just know either way, I am going to hurt.

I have been trying not to think of ending my life soon. Yet I cannot fathom continuing this existence with this pain. I feel like I wasted this month because I didn’t do what I wanted to do. I still have a week to find out the information I need to find out. I have no appointments next week. Sometimes that is a good and bad thing. It’s good because I don’t have to leave the house and yet bad because I don’t have to leave the house. The weather is supposed to be nice so I may go to Starbucks Monday and maybe try to write something other than in my journal. I never made my checklist of things I need to do before I die. I guess the more I put if off, the less real it becomes. Then there are times like the other night where I just set on ending things next week, period! Fuck everything and just let me die.

My psychiatrist emailed me saying she was sorry I couldn’t make it in yesterday. She asked when would I like to come in. My first response is always never or when do you want me to come in. I might see if I can see her next week as I need a refill. I emailed her that in the beginning of the email but she didn’t do it. It’s always an email tag to get another appt and get my meds refilled.

waves of exhaustion are fun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Waves of exhaustion are fun

I was sort of having a good sleep, once I got to sleep when my stupid med alarm woke me up. I wasn’t quite awake so shut the fricken thing off, took my BP pill, and surprisingly went back to sleep until my alarm went off. I seriously detest taking this pill twice a day. I need the alarm to remind me to take it otherwise I am just getting half the dose I need to be on and I don’t want my BP to become unstable.

I had a fairly low pain day despite having pain spikes last night and going to bed late. I don’t remember much after midnight. I didn’t want to get up but when I said five minutes, it turned into ten and I started to rush. I had gotten dressed and got my muffins ready to be taken with me, then I realized I forgot my watch and had to go back upstairs. My mother then asked for me to take the recycles down and I told her I would when I came home as I didn’t have time to put them in the bin.

I got to Starbucks and because I rush, forgot my reusable mug. I ordered a new drink. Some kind of hazelnut macchiato that was supposed to be made with coconut milk but I changed it to almond. It also had mocha drizzle. It was okay but the milk made it kind of bitter. I probably won’t be ordering it again, least not with that kind of milk. I had a sandwich as I was to rushed to eat at home. I brought my Kindle hoping to read for a bit but I was so tired that reading was out of the question. I wrote in my journal for a bit before I caught the train into Boston.

I was early for my psych appt. I got really sleepy while waiting. My appt time came and I was still waiting. I thought I was going to fall asleep before my doc called me. I was so tired. I guess three shots in the macchiato was not enough. My doc finally called me and we chatted. She asked what was up with me and like I emailed her all week, I haven’t been sleeping due to pain. She asked where I stood with my PCP and pain doc and I said I haven’t heard anything in three weeks. So she emailed them asking them for a conference or something. My doc doesn’t play around. I love her for that. She did talk to the LGBT doc but was worried that without adequate pain control, she wasn’t sure how the hormones were going to affect me. I didn’t care. I already made up my mind about things. I told her I was suicidal and once I found a place to terminate, I was probably going to go through with my plan. I didn’t tell her about the other stuff. There was no point. I told her I wasn’t sure I want to start hormones as it all depended on what happened this month and left it at that. She didn’t press me for info. I started feeling weepy, like I have all week and said so. I asked her if we could increase the Zoloft as I am not a cryer. She said it could be hormones. I don’t care what the hell it is. I don’t want to be in the middle of my commute somewhere and have a meltdown over nothing. I told her 75 mg of Zoloft should be okay. So she refilled my script for that amount.

I left and was just so tired, I felt like crying again. It had started snowing and then sleeting when I got to the train station. I still want to go to the grocery store to get eggs. Even though we had like 6 dozen last week, we are down to like one. My mother baked and I used at least a dozen with my baking and cooking. We go through a lot of eggs. But the bus home came before the bus to the grocery store so I just went home. I stopped at Walgreens before home. The snow was coming down heavier and the wind was making it really cold. I couldn’t wait to get home. Before leaving the store, I bought some Reese’s peanut butter cups and M&Ms peanut because I wanted them. I didn’t even eat them when I got home. I made a frozen dinner and then went up to my room to change. It was cold in my room. I put my sweatshirt on and got under the fleece blanket. I still need to change my sheets but my back was hurting. My pain spiked a few times since being home. I just wanted to fucking die. My bones were aching so bad.

The one thing my psych said about the pain doc was that he wanted me to go to PT more than do anything else. I told her the stress of that. It is not going to happen with my pain levels and trying to do other stuff. I just cannot manage. The idiot also didn’t want me to wear my AFO anymore as he wanted more movement with my ankle. Since I was having a low pain day before the last block home, I was thinking maybe I should stop wearing it. I was only proved wrong as walking home my ankle crapped out on me. So screw him. He barely saw me for more than 5 minutes and didn’t even examine me. He just felt the temps on my feet. Some exam. Just pisses me off that this guy determined probably before I met him how he was going to treat me, or rather not treat me.

I plan on taking my meds early, reading 1984, and then hopefully sleep. Probably the last two aren’t going to happen but I can try…

cooking Wednesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Cooking Wednesday

I slept crappy for the third night in a row. I am so spent and labile. My mood keeps going all over the place and I am weepy at times. I was determined to make something today. I had silenced my phone not thinking it would not sound my med alarm. I wanted it to wake me up around 11. It never went off so I woke up around 1230. I really didn’t feel like doing shit but I was hungry and needed to make something.

I decided to make a three cheese egg and bacon burritos. I made four but my niece wanted mac and cheese, so after I made the burritos, I made the mac and cheese. I had that instead of the burrito. My ankle and back were acting up so that was all the cooking I was going to do. I tried to nap afterwards but I felt so depressed because I was in pain. I honestly don’t know why I am living. I just want to die. I didn’t know what to do. I thought about texting my therapist, but what was he going to do? I emailed my psychiatrist and got no response. I think that was worse than anything.

I got busy with social media. I had posted my burrito work on FB, IG, and Twitter. I probably post at least twice a month what I make. Someone on Twitter, who I don’t follow, replied to my tweet asking if I liked making breakfast. This is the fourth time a café or restaurant responded to my pics on food. I think it is funny as they just want my business, but other than the Indian restaurant, I am not going to go. Other than Starbucks, I don’t eat out. I might order from Grubhub but that is all. I mostly have been eating at home as I just can’t be bothered to go out anymore. I am in too much pain.

After I had dinner, I took a shower. I needed one. My foot cramped up and my back ached but it got done. I had bought compression socks for my foot and ankle and they came in today. I wore them for a few hours. They left a nice mark on my leg as I was drying off. I am going to try wearing them a few hours a day to control the swelling but don’t know if I will be successful.

I am so tired. I hope I sleep tonight during “normal” sleep hours. I think I might lose it if I don’t have sleep for the fourth night in a row. All three nights my pain started at 2200 or after. It’s just about 1900 right now so I have three hours before I know if I will be in pain all night or not. It used to start at 2000. Now the “magic” number seems to be 2200. Probably because I am ready to settle down and turn in at that time.

One of my Twitter buddies just posted an article that was in JAMA about not to prescribe opioids for severe to moderate chronic back pain or hip/knee osteoarthritis pain because it was shown not to prove function. I am sorry but that is just wrong. Most people who take an opiate for pain do regain some function because their pain is less and they can do more. I don’t trust their results. But all over the article was written, “don’t prescribe opioids” so a little bias?? Pisses me off.

I am doing an experiment. I just took my night meds but I am not going to take the Ativan, just yet. I will take it later when I want to go to sleep. Maybe then I can sleep through the night. I just hope I don’t have side effects from the antipsychotic.