Tag: bipolar disorder

hopelessness and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hopelessness and other things

I only got about 3 hours sleep and woke up around 5 am. Yucky hour. I tried to go back to bed but couldn’t. I even took some Ativan but once I am up, I am up. I didn’t want to sleep and then have the alarm go off. I knew I would feel terrible. I made breakfast and coffee. I had enough time to catch the 0845 bus so around 0830, I got dressed. I got to Starbucks and ordered an eggnog latte with 3 shots of espresso and a lemon cake. I brought my laptop hoping to work on my story but inspiration failed me. I gave up and then started writing in my journal. I wrote about a paragraph when I got hit with intense hopelessness out of the blue. I wasn’t writing anything specific, least I don’t remember. But it was awful. I felt like my world was going to end at any minute. I tried to shrug it off but it was latched to me like glue.

I got a text saying the red line was delayed so I packed up my things and walked to the station, hoping I would get hit by a semi. Everything just seemed so depressing and bleak. I know I had a discouraging morning as more and more evidence is being pumped into the opioid crisis, even though reports specifically say it is heroin and illicit fentanyl doing most of the ODs. But they are coming for drug makers now, telling them they can only produce so many kilos of the stuff in the upcoming year. That is fair to the legit chronic pain patients who don’t abuse and take their pain meds the way they are supposed to. The joint commission is also proposing ways to treat pain non pharmacologically. I dreaded reading this word because I knew what it meant and I was right. I guess all this stuff finally sunk in and now I was feeling hopeless about being a chronic pain patient and not being able to get pain meds due to shortages. If I was in the hospital again, I might have a harder time getting pain meds.

I made my way to my psychiatrist’s office and just had enough time to pee and then walk to her office. I got there within 5 minutes to spare. I asked her if I should still be in therapy and she shocked me. She said it was up to me. She also said it was a privilege to see a therapist. That I failed to see. I almost started crying because I thought of the pain of my former therapist and how she left me high and dry with no reason for termination. I also told my psych that my current therapist and I don’t have the interaction like we do. She asked and said rapport? I said yea. I could be talking the whole 45 minutes and then he says see you next week. I just am tired of therapy. I know it is useful. I know there are benefits in seeing someone but I just can’t anymore. I think I got to heal some after being dumped by someone who I knew for 16 years. Now I just got to let my therapist know this. I am not sure how I am going to do it. I owe him some money as I have gotten behind in paying him. Also doesn’t help that he doesn’t give me statements every month so I am just guessing what I owe him.

I am relieved my psych is just putting it on me to decide whether or not I should be in therapy. I was nervous about bringing it up. She asked what I was doing for Christmas and I told her. She busted out laughing when I told her I was ordering Chinese food on Christmas Eve while the rest of my family eats fish. In all my years knowing her, I never heard her laugh so hard. I felt better when I left her office.

I had to pick up some bread for my mother so did that on the way home. Then I stopped in the liquor store across the street but I couldn’t find what I was looking for. I might ask my sister for a bottle of red wine made by Mark West. It’s one of my favorite reds.

Painsomnia Strikes Again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painsomnia Strikes Again

So after I read three chapters of Tex, I was getting sleepy. I twittered for a while before a chat began that I didn’t want to participate in. All day a certain part of my ankle had been throbbing and feeling like it was being dug into. When I decided to sleep, all fucking hell broke loose. My metatarsals, particularly the heads, starting hurting. And the pain piggy backed from there. Ankle. Metatarsals and back again. I took a strong pain pill, hoping it would settle down. That was about two hours ago. Now in addition to these pains, other parts of my foot and ankle are hurting. They are lighting up like a Christmas tree. I just want to lie down and sleep but I know if I try, I might be in more pain. I haven’t tried yet. I just took some gabapentin as now my foot is on fire as well. I didn’t take it earlier because I didn’t think it would get to this point.

Time is now 0115. I need to be up in about 8 hours. I doubt I will sleep that long. I never do unless there are interruptions. I might lie down and see if anything bad happens. I just don’t want to play the lie down and sit up game that my foot likes to play. I have the bad foot out from under the blankets. It sometimes help with dealing with the nerve pain because the slight pressure of the sheets and blankets irritate my skin nerves. I keep it out until it gets cold and then put it back under to warm it up. That is the other game it likes to play, out and in.

Wish me luck. I am going to lie down and try and get comfy. I hope my sister got me the body pillow I asked her to get me for my Xmas/bday gift. I think I will be more comfortable on that than just a head pillow. The nice thing about the body pillow that I wanted was that it had different positions you can put the pillow in so you can sit up in bed while reading or using a laptop, with your back being supported. I tend to lean forward when I am sitting as my spine is that way. Sitting straight up hurts my back but having a pillow near my lower back does help. The past few days I have just been house bound, going out for just 10-20 minutes at a day. It sucks because when I walk down the street, it kills my legs because I don’t use them enough. It’s hard to go out every day when a) you’re in pain and b) depression kills the motivation you have to go out. Just brushing my teeth was hard. But I did it.

Ceiling fan replaced, finally!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ceiling fan is replaced, finally!

My brother in law finally replaced the ceiling fan today. Hoorah! Even though the one my mother had looked the same like mine, it was different. The light fixture on mine had like 3 settings whereas my mother’s only had two, off and on. I like this better. It has 4 lights but I only use 2 as they provide enough light for me to see. I mostly use my desk lamp as sometimes the ceiling fan light is too bright, like it is now. I will change lights when I take my meds in a couple of hours.

I was supposed to get one of my meds refilled last week and forgot so when I was filling my med box for the week, I had to order them. I made it so it would be ready in a couple of hours as I didn’t want to miss a dose. I hate missing meds because my brain forgets things. It’s my hormone pill so I can’t miss one as I don’t want my menses, though I found out in my last admission that I could miss up to 3 days. Fuck that. I probably will have to come off them anyway when I go for testosterone. I won’t find that out until Feb when I meet with the LGBT doc.

I see my psych tomorrow and will need refills on two meds as I don’t have anymore. She had told me that MGH will be having an LGBT clinic soon. Seeing as I don’t get MGH notifications anymore other than what is on twitter, I will ask her to tell me when they are up and running. It will be more convenient than where the LGBT doc is as that is in the heart of Boston. I think I am going to chance taking the later bus. I usually leave an two hours before my appt so I can write and drink espresso at Starbucks. I don’t feel like doing that. I know I might regret it. If I wake up early enough, maybe I will go. It all depends on how I feel.

I cancelled my therapy appt for tomorrow. I am going to talk to my psych about therapy and whether I truly need it. He is the first therapist that allowed me to cancel two weeks in a row without questions. Usually, they say come in to talk about it. Not him. He doesn’t even ask why I am cancelling. I really feel like he doesn’t care, even though he says he does. I never heard from the other two therapists that I emailed. I might call them and leave a message. Some time after the holidays or maybe during, I will somehow google therapists in my area and see who I can find. I wish there were resources for people with my history looking for new therapists. I am still angry that my former therapist left me high and dry without one and then terminated our relationship. The few therapists she wanted me to see were not taking on new clients. It’s so hard finding a good a therapist, and then finding one that fits with you. I thought it might work with the one I am seeing, I really did. But I am tired of feeling like it would be better for me to talk to the wall or my voices than him. Both give the same feedback, none, though talking with my voices is fun sometimes, except when I want to sleep and they want to chat. That drives me crazy.

I can’t believe my birthday is the end of the week. I am dreading it. I really want to spend at least one birthday with my father’s side. It just makes me sad knowing I will be spending it with my mother’s side, who I cannot stand, well, my cousins are okay but I can’t stand one of my mother’s sisters. I feel more loved by my father’s side because I grew up with them. Due to my father’s fight with my mother’s mother, I never knew her side until I was 13. I just knew one of her sisters because she made it a point to keep contact with her despite my grandmother telling her kids not to be in touch with my mother. Just makes me mad that the fight happened and then I was to embrace these people that were my family yet didn’t act like family. They were totally different than my father’s side in a couple of ways that I won’t mention. Now that only one of my father’s sister is surviving and in poor health, I want to spend more time with her. I might get a Zipcar so I can see her in the afternoon one day as a surprise visit. I love my aunt. She is my godmother. Her memory is kind of gone so she doesn’t know who I am most of the time and her hearing is going. It’s also hard for her to understand language as she has Parkinson’s disease. Her son and daughter in law take really good care of her, though it is hard watching her deteriorate. It is taking a toll on them that I cannot imagine. Just kills me that I can’t do anything for them but be there for them.

Last night as I saved my blog (I use a word doc before posting just in case of a website glitch, I don’t lose it), I decided to possibly work on the story that has been running in my head. I wanted to see what I had in the outline. I panicked when I didn’t see it on my laptop or 128 GB thumb drive. That meant it was on the 64 GB that I formatted. Thank goodness I backed it up before erasing the content. I would have lost the paper. I then put the thing on the One drive so I can have it where ever I go. I can access it through my phone. I am glad I back up my files every other month or so, for that reason. Least if I lose one, I have another copy somewhere else. So my message to all of you reading this that write: BACK UP YOUR FILES!!!

Saturday Blog 16 Dec 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 16 Dec 17

I had a very difficult night last night. It wasn’t due to pain, least not the physical kind. My lovely, greedy government gave the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), a list of words that cannot be used in their fiscal year budget. While normally, I try my best to ignore their stupidity, there was one word that was like a dagger to my heart, transgender. If they didn’t include this word because it was banned, I just fear we are moving from a democracy to a more dictatorship where my fellow transgender people will be punished or even killed, if they didn’t kill themselves first. And even if we did kill ourselves, it would be banned to use that “category” so the suicide would not be recorded correctly for further research. But then evidence-based and science-based have been banned as well so there would be no accurate studies anymore. Just broke my heart when I saw that word and I am seriously questioning moving forward with my transition while under Cheeto. I would really hate for my doctors to lawfully report my treatment should the idiot demand such things. (this is my paranoia talking, medical treatment is still under confidentiality.)

Also a few Nos on the tax bill got bribed to a yes, so I have no idea if my Medicare will get cut some time next year or the year after. I still have private insurance, which is going up at least $30-$40 next year. It will cost me over $300 for health insurance between the two insurances. And there is no guarantee that my SSD won’t be cut either. But I am getting ahead of myself.

My foot bones were again hurting when I woke up. I stood up and saw stars. I was not going to make cookies that I wanted to make today. I posted the recipe in a previous blog. It seems easy, though I am going to watch the video again. I still have no idea if I have the right circumference of the muffin pans for the cookie filling. I know I can make the filling okay, it is the cookie part I am worried about. I have never done something like this.

I had breakfast and did okay. I made a cup of tea as I didn’t feel like making coffee. I needed to take a shower but was taking my time. After lunch, my foot really flared up. It settled a little bit and I took that chance for a shower. For the first time in two weeks, I didn’t slip. I guess I should take one when I am not fatigued.

My sister came up after my brother in law brought me a loaf of bread that was three times the size I normally get. He told me to freeze some as it was half frozen so I did. I froze it in three portions, Saran wrap and aluminum foil wrapped. I didn’t want to put it in plastic bag as ice seems to get in it, spoiling it. I left out a portion so I could have it tomorrow for breakfast with maybe some eggs. My foot was getting cold despite wearing my slippers. I came upstairs and my foot went berserk again and got really cold. It then was hurting from being icy cold. I put on thermal socks. Damn thing is still cold, under my blanket and comforter! I don’t know why as it ten degrees warmer than yesterday. For some reason, my mother hasn’t been playing with the heat, which I like. My mother was really hot in her room last night, even though her door was open. Now she knows what I go through when she turns the heat up high. I can’t stand the icy pain I am feeling in my foot. Only half of my foot hurts. This sucks.

I wish I had Doritos as I want to make a tuna sandwich tonight. I like to eat them with Doritos. When I was a kid, my best friend introduced Dorito tuna sandwich. It’s been my favorite ever since. I stole a roll of bread from my sister’s to make a sandwich and that will be my dinner, though my mother said she was going to make a tuna salad so I don’t know what we are having. I hope she doesn’t use my tuna if she makes the salad. My tuna is just 3.5 oz and it’s perfect to make one sandwich.

Last night I was so tired from running around with my head cut off, that I fell asleep before 10 pm. I never watched It’s a Wonderful Life. I will watch it one of these days. It’s my traditional Christmas movie. I also got to dust off Home Alone as that is another of my Christmas favorites. Unfortunately, I don’t have A Christmas Carol. I really would love to get the one where Patrick Stewart plays Scrooge. I have yet to see that version. My favorite version of that movie is the black and white one. I think it was in 1939 or so. I have to look at the year as I don’t remember who played Scrooge but it is my favorite version. How the Grinch Stole Christmas is my other favorite cartoon Christmas movie, not the Jim Carrey one. I don’t like the people Grinch. I wish they would leave classics the way they are.