Tag: bipolar disorder

bunch of worries

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bunch of worries

I woke up at 6 am because of a headache and my foot hurting me. Always nice to wake up in pain, not. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I kind of wanted to but yesterday I did and I felt like shit after so I decided to stay awake even though I am sleepy.

I see my PCP today. I have swelling on my leg that has now spread to my shin. It is hard as a rock and if you press on it, it is painful. I am not sure my increase in standing and moving around is the cause or not. It sort of feels like it did right before I was deemed disabled by my work. With having nothing to do, I rested it and the muscles/tendons calmed down but the pain in my ankle and foot remained. I have no idea if CRPS is spreading up my leg or not. I have raised the issue with my neurologist who blew me off. I also have a new swelling just above my ankle. I am worried about all of this. Plus my review of my LTD paperwork that I will be giving to my new pcp to fill out makes me nervous because he doesn’t know me well (only seen him one time) and here I am telling him what to write, or at least giving him stuff about what my symptoms are and everything.

I had my appointment with the social worker. We talked about things and a little about my suicidality. She asked me an odd question. She asked how do I think I will die, whether it be peacefully or what down the line. My first thought was “are you kidding me?” Did she hear that I was suicidal and currently contemplating when I will carry this out? I told her I will die by my own hand. I don’t know when that will be (hopefully soon but didn’t tell her that part). She then asked if I will see her next week. She gave me the option to cancel. I guess she doesn’t want to be committed to seeing me as she is just filling in until I have someone, which I am not sure when that will be. She has told me the psychiatrist for the practice has taken my information and is seeking out a psychologist for me. In the meantime, I am planning my death because it is what I do. Doesn’t mean I will act on it. I just like having it because it has always been my back up plan. She understands that it is an escape for me.

After my appointment with the pcp today, I am to call my psychiatrist. I have no idea if I will. Last time that she wanted me to call, I was so upset that I didn’t want to talk about it (it was with my previous PCP, who was a dipshit). So we will see how it goes. I weighed myself yesterday and if the goddamn scale is right, I have gained about eight pounds in a few days time. I haven’t had a bowel movement in more than a week now. I hope that isn’t why my weight has mysteriously gone up. But the scale could be wrong. I will be wearing sweatpants today instead of jeans so I can have a better weight. Of course, medical scales always adds pounds so I am not sure what the hell I am. If it is greater than five pounds, I will be getting a new scale.

I have been finagling the bagel over my bills, which I need to pay tomorrow. I have been going up and down with my grocery bill. I put stuff in my cart and then when it comes down to crunching numbers, I take them out. I had bought stuff to make my chili cornbread casserole dish that I love, but I went to the store yesterday and bought the stuff. I made it for dinner last night. It came out so fricken good! I will have it for dinner tonight when I come home from my appointment.

I hope my psych will be okay in just calling her today. I see her Friday and as much as I don’t want to see her, I unfortunately have to because I need refills on my meds. I also need my medical meds refilled so when I see my pcp I have to tell him. I hope my nerves don’t get the best of me and I forget. I also need to call the stupid pharmacy to see if they have it in stock. If not, I will call another pharmacy until I find one that has it in stock. I only have one day supply left so I can’t wait more than a day to get them in. Just hope I don’t have to go outside my town to get them. That will really suck.

I am getting sleepy. I think I will make a cup of coffee. I don’t know if I want to go downstairs as my mother just went down. She uses the whole kitchen counter to make her breakfast and I have to go around her to get what I need. I hate that. I am grumpy until I have had my coffee. I am not sure if I will have something to eat or not. I won’t be home till at least 5 pm or so as my appointment is at 3pm. I generally like late appointments but it just interferes with the damn bus schedule. Today I have to leave the house at 1230 or I have to wait till almost 2pm for the next bus to the Square. It really sucks that it is more than an hour for either bus to come. I hate the new schedule so much. But because of the stupid extension of the train line, the bridge is out so the bus has to go through a detour to get to the square. It is kind of faster as there is less traffic, unless we get behind another bus (there are two other buses that share the detoured street). I am glad that both buses that come to my street go to the square now, but the times are all screwy. I hope it isn’t going to stay that way until the bridge is rebuilt.

midnight demon writes again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Midnight demon writes again

It is about half past midnight. I just had something to eat. I tried making myself a deep dish pizza for dinner and burned it pretty bad that it was hard as a rock. I lost my appetite and so haven’t had much to eat today. I knew if I didn’t eat, I wouldn’t be able to sleep. But turns out, pain is keeping me up anyways.

The part of my leg that is swollen has gotten bigger. The day before it was the size of my palm. Now it is the size of my hand. It for some reason, became really painful after I had stood for a while to clear out one of the shelves of my bookcase. I went on my bed to relax my back as it had started to spasm. Next thing I know my lower leg down to my foot was in such intense pain, I couldn’t breathe. I started to have an anxiety attack. I couldn’t touch my leg where it was hurting and that was a bad sign to me that made me panic even more. I just lay there trying to collect myself and grab the pain bottle to take a pill. I think that was harder as I had to move to do so. Half hour later, pain was starting to subside enough I could touch my leg and that is when I notice the swelling had spread up my leg. If I was panicked then, I was more so now. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t stand and walk anywhere as the pain was so great. Even an hour later when I had to pee it was painful going down the stairs and using the bathroom. I had talked to my niece and lost my voice. I sounded like a goddamn squirrel. No idea why. No matter how many times I cleared my throat, it sounded off. Fucking puberty.

Anyway, I talked to a Twitter friend and she wanted me to go to the ER. I texted my sister, but she wasn’t home. Fuck. There goes my ride. I wasn’t about to take the T anywhere. I took an Ativan and once that kicked in to take my anxiety away, I calmed down a bit. I also emailed my psych to let her know what was going on. I decided to try some diclofenac gel to try and ease whatever inflammation there was and see if it helped the pain. As I was ready to apply it, my psych emailed me back to keep her posted and let her know if I go to the ER. I am hoping I don’t have to because it is Easter and I will have a super long wait for something that really isn’t an emergency. I don’t have redness or broken skin oozing fluid. I just have a painful lump on my leg. I see my PCP Tues and I hope I can hold off on ER visits until then. I started thinking about this. The pain was similar to what I was experiencing prior to my dismissal from work, basically telling me I was disabled and couldn’t work. The time off gave my leg some much needed rest time. I have been walking more than I have been the past few weeks, as well as standing longer than I usually do. I also have been trying to do some balance work my PT wants me to do, which means putting some weight on my left leg. I have no idea if that aggravated the tendon that gets inflamed when I walk too much because I am compensating. I knew if I went to the ER or even an urgent care center, odds were they would just refer me to my pcp for whatever. They might do x-rays and an ultrasound to rule out a blood clot in my leg (highly unlikely) but that would be it. And the ultrasound would be on my calf, not the area where the swelling is so not useful at all. I am sure my pcp is not going to be able to figure it out and I hope that the weight loss/loss of appetite and this swelling is not related.

So the leg pain finally subsided after the diclofenac but then my veins started popping and my foot felt like it was being crushed so I was, once again, in a flare. This is day 2. My thoughts immediately went to why the fuck am I still alive. Then I think of what my psych said and I fucking hate her. Hate her because she wants me to live and she is fond of me. I looked straight at her when she told me this so I know she wasn’t bullshitting me. She genuinely meant what she said. I don’t think that I am meant to do something great. Yes, I could write another book. But goddamn it, I am not a fucking writer. Yes, I write blogs. But that is what I do because it helps me and possibly others. I know I don’t get as much feedback as I once did but fuck, my stats tell me someone reads my blog every day, even if only 8 people do.

Pain has been my nemesis. It causes me to be suicidal in an instant. Then in the morning, I am usually okay and feel better and am no longer want to end my life. But I am not at that stage right now. I am in the suicidal moment where I want to do what I want to do to end things. Except I can’t. As much as I have this fucking deep surging urge to do it, I do not want a family member to find me in that state. It is the only fucking thing keeping me alive at this time. Sure my family pisses me the fuck off so I wouldn’t care if they found me. But something, and I don’t know what, keeps me from acting on my urges. I can think about them all I want, fantasize all I want but when it comes to times like this, I am so fucking on the edge of live/die that I just get so frustrated that I don’t do fucking shit. I just ponder some more. Fantasize some more. Then I am reading a book about wills and realize I didn’t sign and date it to make it official. FUCK! I don’t remember where I put the notepad I wrote the fucking thing on. This is pure agony. The mental agony of going through living vs dying and being in so much fucking pain you want to end your life. This is the life of the midnight demon. Always until the urge to act prevails.

lots of stress

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Lots of stress

I have been in a flare since 10 am yesterday. My malleolus (ankle bone) had been feeling like it was being smashed with a hammer. It was unreal. By like 3 pm, I had enough and took something for the pain. I had to call my psych but she said to call after 5. I didn’t want to dope myself up and be drowsy when I talked to her, so didn’t take anything else but the pain pill.

I checked my email and I had something from my long term disability (LTD) benefits. It was there yearly “are you still disabled even though we have determined you are permanently disabled” forms for my doctor to fill out. The problem is, I have a new doc that doesn’t know me or my condition with how bad the pain is. When I see him, I am not in horrendous pain, my ankle isn’t swollen, my veins are popping giving my skin a bluish color, and certainly not being affected by my sock being on. So I filled out my portion of the form. Now I am writing up a word doc of what my PCP should write in the paragraphs and then have him sign it and then fax it to where it needs to go. If he wants to add notes or medical record of events. I did put in that I had a sleep study done which shows that I wake up in pain and also that the bone scan confirmed that I had CRPS in my bones. The whole thing has caused my stress levels to increase which didn’t help my flare.

I paged my psych a little after 5. She called me like an hour later. We talked and she insisted I see my PCP as she was concerned about my losing weight. If it was because I just wasn’t eating, she was okay with that but if it is something else, he should work it out. I am to call her after the appointment to let her know how it goes and I can’t weasel my way out of it. Damn she is being stubborn with me on calling her. She has the “tone” and I have no real choice of going against it.

My pain level was still the same so after I got off the phone with her, I loaded up on meds. I took my night meds around 8 and was hoping to be asleep by 11pm. I was talking with someone on Twitter when my laptop was really hurting my leg. Last night I noticed some swelling near my shin. I have had swelling there but it was more toward the side of my leg not near the shin. And it is a good size swelling. I also have swelling just above my ankle joint that is kind of near the malleolus but above it. Add in the weight loss, and now I am nervous that something is going on. I emailed my concerns to my psych about 10 or so. 11 came and I was going to go to sleep as I was really drowsy but my damn fucking ankle said hahaha nope, not happening. Now I got medical stress on top of my other stress. I have been suicidal on and off with this flare. Mostly, I have been wishing myself dead. It hasn’t worked yet. I have no idea who has the wishing power. Maybe it is in the stars or something. I don’t know. I just know I don’t want to be here anymore but without acting on my plan at the location I prefer, it just isn’t going to happen.

Because my flare was so severe, I couldn’t have my ceiling fan on as the airwaves were bothering it. I couldn’t get comfy either, which annoyed me. If I have airwaves bothering, soundwaves were next. I needed to listen to music as I put on earbuds and the vibration went away. I had no idea how much the sound was affecting my pain. I charged up my Bluetooth headset as the earbud things are too big for my ears so kept popping out. The sucky part of the Bluetooth is that it takes around 4 hours to fully charge and does not work while plugged in, even on a wire. So I was screwed and only could use the earbuds.

Don’t know what day it is

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Don’t know what day it is

Yesterday was a bad day of pain and hardly any sleep. My psych said she was going to call me but I had no idea what time she would call. I wasn’t hungry so I just had coffee. I really didn’t eat much Tuesday as I wasn’t hungry. My psych called me around 9 pm and I had fallen asleep. I didn’t get up till about an hour later. She left me a message saying to email or she will call today. I sent her an email and said I would see her next week and that I was ok. Then around midnight or maybe after, I emailed again saying I haven’t been eating and sleeping right. She responded this morning saying to contact my pcp and to call her tomorrow. So I left a message for my pcp. I honestly don’t think anything is wrong with me. I don’t feel sick or anything. I just don’t have a stinking appetite. I posted this on FB and a good friend of mine who works with trans teens said that T might causing either weight gain due to muscle mass increase or loss of appetite and weight loss. I didn’t know that. The docs have just told me that my weight would increase due to muscle gain. Who knew? I guess that is why. Maybe I should get some Ensure or something on days I have no appetite so at least I have something in my stomach. I also told my psych taking the ibuprofen on an empty stomach is causing me gastritis. She just referred me to see my pcp. I need to take the ibuprofen because my back is still sore. I have been getting away with just taking Tylenol. My back has been hurting me since Saturday because the temps and barometric pressure have been up and down like a damn yo-yo.

I haven’t heard from my pcp’s social worker. I had emailed her the same thing I emailed my psych on Mon about my suicidality. I sent her an email this morning (wee hours as I was up till 430 am) saying to ignore it if she hasn’t read it yet or to just ignore it if she has. I don’t think there is anything she can do for me, I honestly don’t. She can be my vent person but I wouldn’t be able to tell her about my suicidal feelings because I don’t know her very well. I also am reluctant to tell people how suicidal I am if I don’t trust them fully. That has often lead to me going to psych hospital and I do not want that right now. I think because of this, my psych has been in frequent contact with me.

I haven’t been able to do any clearing out of stuff the past few days. I wanted to shower today but my back is bothering me. I wanted to go to the store for some half and half but I knew my back would hate me. I had my cousin go and he got me a little thing of it. That will have to last until I get paid next week and can order groceries. I have to use a different place because my usual place is on strike. I don’t blame them as the company wants to decrease their healthcare benefits, their pensions, and other stuff that is money related. They are real crooks. So I am ordering from a different place, which is slightly cheaper anyways. I just have to change the ounces of my half and half to a half gallon now.

I might do somethings in my room, but I need to shower. One thing I have noticed with the testosterone is that my sweat odor is different and if I don’t shower every other day, I really stink. I have been sweating under the covers so I am getting to the stinking point. I also want to take advantage of my nephew being out so I can shave without suspicion. I am kind of nervous of having someone walk in on me while I am shaving naked. I hate even my mother walking in on me. I haven’t told my sister to not put stuff on the shower seat. I need it because my feet and/or back can be unpredictable and need to sit down. As much as I need to shower, I really don’t want to because my stupid back will protest.

Tomorrow I need to call my psych. I really don’t want to. I am still in the “I don’t want to talk to anyone” stage. I know she is worried about me but I would rather email her than talk with her. I have a feeling she is going to want to talk to me every other day until I see her Friday, maybe more. I don’t know. I am trying my best not to email her at all about how I feel. It just seems to make her more worried and increase contact. I just want to be left alone so I don’t think I will send anymore emails unless it is appointment related. Just will have to fake being okay even though I am not. I am good at that anyways…