Tag: bipolar disorder

phoneless

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Phoneless

Because of the fiasco with losing my phone on my birthday and panicking, I no longer have use of my phone because it has been transferred to the replacement phone, which I don’t have. Due to red tape, I can’t have use of my phone until the replacement one has been delivered back to Sprint. I have no idea how long that is going to take. I wish they fucking told me this. Assholes.

I feel like a limb has been cut off. I hate not being able to use my phone. Sure I can use the apps through wifi but I can’t text my family members or anyone else for that matter. It sucks. I was supposed to meet with a friend today and all I could do was wait for her. I couldn’t call and find out where she was. She is always late, that was a given but I didn’t know how late she was going to be. I waited an hour for her. I should have known. I didn’t mind waiting. I had WiFi at Starbucks so I could message her through FB and check my Twitter. I was sad to learn of Carrie Fisher’s death. I didn’t think she was going to pull through. 2016 likes celebrities this year too much.

I ordered my groceries to be delivered tomorrow. This was before I knew my phone was disconnected. I had to call them up and tell them to call my mother’s number and to ring my bell. I wouldn’t be getting text messages like I normally would. I am so pissed. Least I figured out what time the window is so I know to be awake. It’s at a decent time tomorrow, thank god.

I have to call my doctor’s office tomorrow to see if my prescription is ready so I can pick it up. They won’t be able to call me because I don’t have a working phone. Another annoyance. I’m glad I don’t have therapy this week because there wouldn’t be a number for her to call me. And every time I try to use my mother’s line, someone always calls. It never fails.

I’m not going to get my glasses like I was going to. There is no point. If I change my mind (which I doubt) or I live, maybe I will then, but not now. I have been depressed most of the day since leaving my friend as she had to meet her mother to go to the airport. We had a good visit but I realized it would be the last time seeing her and that made me sad. I didn’t tell her anything about my plans or how horrible Christmas truly was. I just faked it.

Now that I have gotten paid, I have been thinking of reserving a car to see my therapist for our next appointment. Only problem is, I don’t know how emotional it will be and I don’t want to be driving and crying at the same time. I hope by the time she is back and stuff, my phone is turned back on. I hate not being able to text ANYONE, let alone her. I am taking a texting break from her while we are on break. But it’s just weird that I can’t text her if I need to.

I haven’t made much progress in my book the past two days. I was too depressed to think of something to write or play with the pages to make a dedication page. I am finding the task daunting and a little overwhelming. I still haven’t decided if I am going to have an acknowledgement page or not. Guess I will flip a coin about it or something. I don’t have to make one as there is really no one to really acknowledge this time around. I got to look at the other memoir that I liked that was clear cut and simple. That is how I want this book to be. Trouble is, I don’t remember where I put it…

Painful Boxing Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Painful Boxing Day

I live in the States so we don’t celebrate Boxing day but I have some international readers that do so Happy Boxing day!

My day has not been a good one. I went to sleep between 0330 and 0400 because pain was keeping me up. When I woke up around noon, the pain was still there. I took my meds and had some breakfast. My mother called to have me put the pies in the fridge. They had been on our back porch but the sun was out and it can quickly heat up the space, even if it is freezing out. I delved into the chocolate cream pie that I love so much. I had it after I had supper, too. I just eat it until it is gone.

The pain meds weren’t working for me so around 1400, I took my strong pain pill and that knocked me out. I slept for a few hours. I wasn’t in the mood to eat anything but pie but my brother-in-law made some beef and potatoes so I had that. It was really good. I still feel like shit and my ankle is killing me. I should have told my sister to get me a chainsaw for Christmas instead of a pizza stone. I had emailed my psychiatrist during one of the trips I wasn’t sleeping. I had tried four times to sleep last night and it took the fourth for me to finally crash. I thought I would hear back from her but I haven’t. Maybe she hasn’t read her email yet. She is on vacation.

I have some exciting news, I plan on publishing my book sometime this week. I was hoping to work on it today but it didn’t happen. I am meeting a friend tomorrow for coffee in Boston so I don’t think I will be able to work on it tomorrow either. It will get done. I just have a few pages of “fluff” to write. I will have a dedication page and then maybe an acknowledgement page. I am not sure. I know I want to publish the suicide hotlines so they are there should someone need them. I just don’t know if I should put them in the beginning of the book or the end. I think the end will be better.

I just hope that I don’t have formatting issues like I did my first book. Man, what nightmare that was. This time I used the template that Amazon gave out and I hope there are no glitches. I hope it has no blank pages. I have tried my best to make sure this hasn’t happened. So we’ll see.

Now I got to fill my pill box and take my meds. I meant to do it earlier today but I was so damn sleepy. I feel like I can go back to bed again. I hope I do and sleep till at least 8 or 9 tomorrow morning. I need to shower and then get dressed to meet my darling friend. I hope she isn’t late.

Christmas 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Christmas 2016

Merry Christmas to all my readers that celebrate it. Happy Hanukah for my Jewish readers and Happy Holidays to those that celebrate other holidays that I don’t know about!

It’s been an interesting day. I had a difficult morning and I still feel wicked sad about it. The grief for my father has been overwhelming the events of the morning, just making everything worse. I still feel weepy at times.

I had Christmas dinner with my family. I really didn’t want to go but my sister threatened to drag me if I didn’t so I went reluctantly. After dinner and desserts, I started to feel really sad and felt like crying so I said good-bye to all and came back to the comfort of my room. I was talking with my nephew. He looked like he was really depressed. He might have been tired. I am not sure which. I felt bad for him. We talked about stuff but nothing in great detail. I am sure he misses his grandfather like I was missing him. It’s the first Christmas without my father so it’s the hardest.

I never watched the movie last night. I was talking with a friend through FB and then it was time to take my meds. I felt sleepy so I told her goodnight. A few hours later, I was still up and wanted to talk to someone so I PM’d her to see if she was still awake and wanted to chat. She was so we talked some more. My meds kicked in and I finally fell asleep. I had told her good night again before doing so.

I completed my reading challenge last night. I read 23 books this year. I really wanted to read 40 but this year was not the year for it. I think I am going to read Harry Potter and the Cursed Child next. It should be easy as it’s all dialogue. Maybe I will end up with 24 books read if I finish it by New Years Eve.

Man, I had a sip of some spiked eggnog and got a wicked headache. It tasted more like a Pina colada. I didn’t like it at all. I like coconuts but not as a flavor.

I’m going to write my will soon. I have decided to end things in the coming year. I just am deeply upset over things that happened this morning and what was said and done cannot be undone or unsaid. Two bad days in a span of 48 hours have really taken a toll on me. I need to finalized things. I know what needs to be done because I had the experience with my father’s death. I don’t know when I will die, probably when I feel things are settled. I will go on like I usually do so my family doesn’t have a clue. If they read this blog, I don’t care. They are not living my life. They don’t know the amount of pain that I deal with on a daily basis. They don’t know how deep my depressions run. I am tired of explaining why I won’t see this doctor or that. I know they don’t have answers for me anymore. If 15 doctors can’t figure out what is wrong with me but 3 have told me that I have CRPS then that is good enough for me. Trouble is, there is no real treatment for it other than opioids. And I am tired of taking them around the clock.