Tag: bipolar disorder

9 Aug 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

9 Aug 2018

I had wanted today to be a self-care day. I made breakfast and coffee, then went up to my room, hoping to finish Norse Mythology. I have a few chapter left. I played with my phone and then settled down to read. I read one chapter when the coffee made me really sleepy. I wanted a nap and was all settled when t-storms came out with high winds and pouring rain. I grabbed my ankle brace and a sock then left my room. I had the hallway window open, which was all wet as the rain was coming in. The stairs were wet. I closed the windows and was glad I didn’t put the sock on before leaving my room as it would have been wet. I went downstairs and my mother was oblivious to the weather. She was in the bathroom, her walker blocking the tiny hallway we have so I had to go through the dining room to get to the kitchen. Rain was wetting the screen door but didn’t come in too much. The kitchen windows were still closed which I am glad as they were drenched with rain. I put my brace on once I put a towel on the floor by the door just in case water decided to come in.

I then peeled potatoes for dinner. I accidently took out fish instead of American cheese. I didn’t realize the error until I felt the bag and wondered why it was really soft. Then I read the label and was like oops. So I had to make dinner now because my mother is still not making big meals. I chopped up the potatoes after peeling so they would cook faster. My mother told me how to make the fish as I have never made it before. It cooked quickly as I made the mashed potatoes, which I made soupy as I put too much milk in it. Oh well. My mother wanted to make potato pancakes with the leftovers. I guess she won’t be able to now.

I am really hurting. My ankle bone has been feeling like someone is hitting with a hammer for most of the day, in spurts. I had taken a BT med before I went downstairs to cook but I was on my feet a lot of the time. I got to do the dishes but I am out of gas. I called my mother and she said she will do what she can do. I said don’t hurt yourself! I will feel horrible if she did. I wanted her to call my sister to do them. Fuck. I wish I wasn’t so tired and my ankle wasn’t hurting so much, both of them are hurting. I still need to take my meds. I think it is going to be an early night for me, but not too early as I will wake up before 1 am and then be up for the night.

Swear post warning offensive language here in

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Swear post warning offensive language here in

So about two hours ago, I was smelling something. Had no idea what the hell it was. I thought maybe a cord was burning, something was catching fire, checked all my wires and electrical stuff. Nothing. I go downstairs to see if my mother sprayed something, and it is coming from the hallway, or so I thought. I went back upstairs. The smell got worse. I decided to open the damn window, screw the storms. I shut the vent or opened it (no idea) on my AC. Then go downstairs again because I had to pee. I check on my mother as her sugar was low. She was fine and then I see the culprit. One of my sisters bought a Renuzit freshener thing that was pineapple and coconut. It was stinking up the house. I shut it, told my mother, put it in the kitchen, and then went back upstairs fucking swearing.

I was talking with my BFF about stuff. I asked if she was okay. She said she was but I knew she was stressed. I won’t go into it but I was glad she told me. I was getting sleepy so I told her goodnight and I will check in with her tomorrow. She said she hopes to sleep too. I lay down, and my fucking legs become stone and hurt like fucking hell. I sit up, take some magnesium as that is the only thing I can think of to calm it down. I shift my position, causing me to move my ankle. Dumb fucking move. I saw fucking stars. Still hurting so fucking bad. I waited, hoping it would settle down. It didn’t. BT med time! I start having anxiety. I am ready to call my fucking psychiatrist, but what the hell is she gonna do? It is fucking midnight. I hate this fucking shit.

All day I have been having body dysmorphia issues. I really hate my breasts. I want top surgery so damn bad. But because of my damn pain issues, I can’t have testosterone treatment, which is delaying the fucking top surgery consults and what not. If I had the money, they would be long gone! I would find a decent surgeon and be done with it. I hate my body. I hate myself more. I feel like I am a fucking idiot who should be fucking dead. My therapist said that it was reasonable that I am thinking about suicide. Who wouldn’t be if they were in my crummy shoes?

I have tried to get my head around it. Someone reported me, again, to Twitter about my talk about suicide. I have no idea what tweet it was as they didn’t tell me. If I did, I don’t remember it. I know I posted last Friday after my pain doc appt. But I don’t think I have posted anything this week. Unless the word itself, suicide, is what freaks people out and makes them report people. I don’t know. They are assholes. If they would talk to me, that would be okay. I don’t know. Sometimes I want to talk and other times, I get the concerned but I don’t know what to do with you people. And it is all fake sometimes. Pisses me off, like bother someone else with you fake sympathy or whatever bullshit you are giving me right now. I know what to do if my safety is in danger. Been down that road one too many times and don’t think that just because I talk about suicide that I don’t know the crisis number or the crisis text number or someone I can call if I feel like I am going to act on my thoughts/feelings. It’s as simple as that. Do I want to end my life, yes I do. Do I want to do it right this second? No. But the time will come when I have all my ducks in a row to execute my plan. I am working with my therapist to kind of break the cycle of overwhelm/end my life thoughts. But until then, I can still plan. It is an escape. You don’t believe me, do research.

I want the meds to work NOW. I don’t want to fucking wait. I am tired of waiting. I used to be a patient person. Now I am realizing being patient, means just that. You are a patient of some kind to someone. The pain doc, psychiatrist, physical therapist, etc. you have to wait to see them. And it fucking sucks. I am tired of waiting. I want treatment now. And dammit, if I don’t get treatment, I am going to die. Maybe not by the damn disease/condition I have, but by other means, which I don’t know exactly what they are. This dying this isn’t easy. Probably is if you have some lethal illness but not a chronic painful one.

I hate that I can’t move my damn ankle the way that it is suppose to move. It gets fucking upset with me. Going down the stairs or up the stairs aggravate it. My right ankle is sprained so it hurts because the tendons are swollen and stretched a little bit more than they are supposed to be. I also walked a lot today. And went up and down the stairs a lot to find out what that fucking smell was that was irritating my respiratory system. Set off my allergies big time. I am sending them a text tomorrow and put it in all caps. That will tell them how fucking pissed off I am. Assholes. I don’t know which sister it was, most likely the middle one but I can’t be sure. They will definitely hear about it later today.

8 Aug 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

8 Aug 2018

I had a good session with my therapist. I told him about the saga with my primary care office. I had to nurses, both beginning names with B that I called bubbleheads because that is what they are. After we talked about those idiots, I told him about how my suicidality was up and down and all around. He said that it seemed like I got some powerful emotions going on that overwhelm me and then my thoughts say fuck it, end my life. He was right about that. I am very overwhelmed with things right now, not only in trying to get my pain somewhat managed and taking care of my mother. It would be a hell of a lot easier if the lunatic wasn’t over the house every damn day as she is just stressing me out to the point where I don’t even want to be home to hear her. My mother isn’t that bad. She can manage breakfast, the lunatic usually does lunch, and then my middle sister does dinner if I am not home. Next week is going to be hard because I told him, I have a shit ton of free time as he and my psychiatrist is away. He then said I am free to text him until Saturday night as he leaves Sunday and won’t be available. That kind of helped me as his texts kind of reassure me that someone is validating what I am feeling.

I asked if it was stupid to get a planner and just “schedule” some things. He said no and encouraged me to do it. So after the appointment, I went to Walgreens as they have school planners available. I would have gone to Slate, but it was raining. I should have gone to Slate as I bought the wrong fucking planner. It is a 2019 planner, not a 2018-2019 one. Fucking idiot I am. I got my old planner out and ordered undated calendar refills. They didn’t have weekly ones so I am not sure what I am getting. At least that will hold me for a while. It was 5 bucks so not a huge deal. I can use the other planner when the year starts, if I am still around.

I don’t think I had the air cast on right. I swear every time I use it, I have it a different way than the way I had it before. By the time I left my therapist’s office and was waiting for the bus home, my right Achilles was hurting me. I wanted to take it off but I knew it would be a good idea as I am so fricken tired. I didn’t write a blog yesterday because I just crashed around 8 pm. I don’t think I am going to watch the game tonight. I missed the home run derby last night in the 10th inning. All I know is one minute the game is tied, the next it is 10-5 Sox. Game over. LOL. We got our 80th win. Sweet. I am so happy for our team. I love my boys. I have included some of my favorite players in this blog. Hope I don’t get in trouble for using it lol

L to R, Andrew (Benny) Benintendi, Mookie Betts, Brock Holt

6 August 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

6 August 2018

I’ve decided for the month of August, I am going to use the date as my title, unless I can come up with a fancier title. I have found that I am just reusing my previous titles and coming up with something fresh is hard, after 6 years of blogging. Can’t believe this blog is 6 years old but it is.

Today started okay. I woke up around 0530 to use the bathroom and my mother had to as well. I waited for her to finish. I then changed the time for my morning meds so I could sleep a little later. It went off and I didn’t want to get up. I felt like I should have stayed up rather than go back to sleep. I said I would get up at 0930, but didn’t feel like it. I said ten and when I looked at my phone next, it was almost 11 and shit, I had to get up and do things. I checked on my mother. She was okay. The PT person was already come and gone. My mother just needed her ice bucket filled. I took the top off and water went everywhere. I got a towel and then took it off again. I emptied half of it and then filled it with ice. Brought it back to the living room. My mother plugged it in and then I went to check on my niece.

She was reading a book (a real one, not an electronic one). I didn’t say anything as I was just in awe. I asked her if she wanted something to eat, she said no. I asked why and she said she wasn’t hungry. I said did you eat last night? She said yes, her sister made her some eggs. Okay. I got my braces on and my sneakers. I was about to leave when I realized I forgot my cup. I had to go up the stairs with these damn braces and then back down. Thankfully, I did okay.

It was wicked hot out. I was sweating and almost soaked by the time I reached the bus stop. The sun was just beating down on the stop. I realized while I was waiting, I forgot to protect the sore that had popped up on Friday. I would take care of it when I get home. I had to buy the antibiotic cream anyway. I went to Starbucks and had my espresso and a bagel. I wish I brought another T-Shirt with me because I was drenched. But I didn’t and the other one would just get wet by the time I got home anyway so it didn’t matter. I wrote in my journal for a bit but didn’t write long. I left for the train and that is where my day went south.

The train came at a slow pace and by the time we got close to the next stop, it stopped. Something was wrong with the power. We had to get off the train after being on it for like 15 minutes, stuck in the tunnel. I texted my therapist to say I was going to be late. I waited for the “train that was behind the disabled train”. Which was another 5-10 minutes. Every stop had a hoard of people. I got off my stop as I had to yell coming out! Damn idiots with huge backpacks wouldn’t move to let me pass! I was so annoyed. Then I waited for the bus. It was another 10 minutes before it arrived. I was 15 minutes late for my appt and I wasn’t happy. I hate being late. I told my therapist about things in the short session. He was quickly realizing that I was doing all these things for people yet was not getting much in return. He was right. With the exception of my psychiatrist, no doctor was really helping me. The last few minutes I spent explaining how I was wearing a brace on my right ankle.

I decided to walk to the elevator after my appt rather than go down the narrow stairs with two braces on. I was so hot and tired but I still needed to go to the store. I wanted some protein bars and the antibiotic cream. I wish they had a mix and match with the antibiotic cream and bandages as each were buy one, get one 50% off. The protein bars that were 4/$5 didn’t have my flavor I liked. But there were other bars for 5/$5 that did have my favorite flavor. I got 5 of those. I then trekked home. I was so fricken hot and knew it was only going to be hotter in my house. It was slightly cool in my hallway, but the doors to both apartments were open so the heat was causing it to be warm. I checked on my niece and she didn’t eat anything but cereal. She said she was going to make a sandwich. As I took off my AFO, I saw the sore was all red and looked like the skin was worn away. I needed a shower. Every pore was full of sweat. Even my diaper was soaked (not the part that is supposed to catch urine, the part that goes around you). I went upstairs and my baby cousin was over. She looked at me and was gonna cry. She just looked at me like she didn’t know me, even though I saw her the other day. Kids are funny. I sat in front of the fan as I tried making her laugh. My feet were killing me and I was dreading the shower. I went upstairs to change, totally forgetting my aunt was over as I came down with just a change of clothes for the shower and the t-shirt I was wearing. Oops. I covered myself as I rushed to the bathroom. I grabbed a towel as I let the water run. Went back to the bathroom and shaved my head. My razor needed to be changed but I took off most of the hair that grew from yesterday. I shaved my pits while in the shower. I was going to use the trimmer but I had put deodorant on in the morning and didn’t want to clog the blades. I just used the razor in the shower. Then I washed off and tried to stay under the cool water for as long as I could stand it. I dried off and then wrapped the towel around me. It was longer than the other one so covered me. I then hurried upstairs before I was soaked again. My feet were barking. I cooled off a bit before I put the cream and a bandage on my sore.

My sister made potatoes and hot dogs for dinner. She didn’t make them like my mother. They were extremely mushy. Might as well have been mashed potatoes with hot dogs. She didn’t use my hot dogs because my mother “buys shit hot dogs” but used my brother in law’s which is worse as it’s a mix of pork, chicken, and beef. I buy all beef hot dogs. I gave her a look when she told me. She said why and I said because we have like 4 packages of hot dogs! And they are all beef. Then my aunt was saying something about it because she had to put in a word about it. I was hungry so just ate them. She didn’t burn any hot dogs, which is a shame as I like them burnt.
Now I am just going to relax as there isn’t a game on tonight. I think I am going to try and finish Norse Mythology. I wish I could drop the Poe Shadow book but I am already half way through it. It is just getting boring and seems to get more made up as it goes on. I know it is fiction and all, but usually the book has a beginning, climax, and end. This book’s climax seems to be going all over the place, which makes me weary on reading the author’s other books.