Tag: bipolar disorder

Losing my mind with not being able to walk like I used to

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Losing my mind with not being able to walk like I used to

I had a pretty decent sleep. I fell asleep soon after the ball game. They lost. I was so tired that I just laid down and was soon asleep for the first time in a long time. I kind of woke up early, but no idea the time because I didn’t want to get up. I was freezing but just turn on my right side to get more comfortable. Then I woke up in pain after a weird dream. I just stretched out my leg a few times but didn’t stir. Then my med alarm went off. I got up to take my meds and shut the AC off. Within an hour, it was hot in my room so I turned it back on but turned up the temp so I wasn’t so cold.

I got up around 11. The money I was hoping to be in my account wasn’t there yet so I couldn’t get my haircut. I am not sure what I want done with my hair but it needs a little trim. I noticed today it was a bit uneven with my shaving bits. Oh well. I can only imagine what the back looks like. I made breakfast. I just made egg and toast as I wasn’t in the mood to cook bacon. It was too muggy in the kitchen, even though it was morning. I washed the dishes after I was done, but realized when I got to Starbucks, I forgot the frying pan. Oh well.

I was debating on showering but my ankle was kind of angry with me standing washing stuff so I held off. I knew I was going to need one when I got home after my appt. I wanted to bring cookies to Starbucks but I forgot them. I just had my espresso. The barista either puts too much ice or not enough. Today they put a lot so I didn’t have much room for soy. I drank it anyway. I called the VNA that was hounding me all week. Why they didn’t call the surgeon’s office to find out where my mother was, I have no clue. I had to repeat where she was a few times. I was so annoyed. I tried writing in my journal for a bit. Then I left for the train.

I was a half hour early for my appointment. I took my breakthrough med as my ankle was really getting cranky. When I checked in, I had to use the bathroom. I kind of had to go before I left Starbucks, but I didn’t feel like going. It cost me because I leaked. I was not happy. The doc took me early and I explained what was going on with my glasses. She said the prescription was correct which means I just going to move my head/eyes to find my “sweet spot” when trying to read. Great. So I will be bobbing my head when I read. She had the optician fix my glasses so they didn’t slide off my face. I also had him do the same with my sunglasses.

I called the Thai place for dinner. It was so fricken hot and my legs, specifically my calves, just didn’t want to work anymore. It is really bothering me that I can’t walk like I used to. My legs were so fatigued. I hope it was the heat that was causing me to feel like a dead weight. I got my food and then crossed the street to catch the train. It came as I got there but there were no seats so I had to stand most of the way. My legs wanted to kill me. When I got to the Square, I checked my messages. I had a few but didn’t hear the ding. I forgot I turned the ringer off so turned it on. I had to pick up my prescription, which meant more fucking walking. My legs were killing me and my foot was really hurting me. It was about three hours since the breakthrough med so I didn’t know why I was hurting so much. I have no idea how the med is dosed. I didn’t want to look it up because my phone keeps track of every fucking search I make and I don’t know how to delete it. I wanted to do it on my laptop anyway.

By the time I got home, I was very hungry and was soaked with sweat. I so needed a shower. In my haste to get upstairs, I forgot to switch glasses. I didn’t care at that moment. I needed food. I went to my room to turn on the AC so my room would cool off while I ate and then showered. I ate about half of my meal. Then I went downstairs while I ran the shower to get my glasses. I then took a shower and my ankle pain shot way up. My lower back felt like it was going to snap. I quickly stop drenching my head with cool water and got out. I dried off quickly and then went upstairs. I emailed my psychiatrist that my pain was at a suicidal level again and to expect angry pain emails later. There is just this spot on my ankle that when it flares up, I just want to fucking die! It is awful. I looked up when I could dose myself with the IR med. Every 3-4 hours according to the FDA site I saw. So obviously, this med doesn’t stay long in your system. And the pain doc just wants me to take 1 per day. I can take up to two, if needed but he wants me to just take one. I am going to flip on him when I see him next week. This isn’t fucking working. I am going to tell him I am NOT going to PT unless my flares are being addressed with an increase of pain meds because what I am taking is NOT FUCKING WORKING!!! Going to a doctor’s appointment shouldn’t always cause me pain! Or doing laundry and other household chores!! I have had enough!!

doing laundry all day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Doing laundry all day

The hamper was full so I decided to do laundry. I started it before my groceries were delivered. I didn’t separate the clothes until after the groceries were put away. I had to take breaks because it was so damn hot in the kitchen and my back was giving me grief. I put away the refrigerated and frozen stuff first and then took my time with the other stuff.

I had about 6 loads of laundry. I just put the last load in the washer. There is also a load in the dryer. I folded the clothes, my way, and it was a huge pile. I split it as there was no way I could carry all of it up the stairs.

I got an eye appointment tomorrow. It is supposed to be slightly cooler but not much. I had conflicting reports from two meteorologists so neither knows when the humidity is going down. It is just going to be hot the rest of the week and next week, too. I am not liking this. But the storms seem to be moving out and the game will be played today. Last night they scored 5 runs, all dingers (homeruns), and it didn’t count because they were rained out! The Red Sox, Sox Nation, and I were ripshit. It was the umpires call once the game started but the O’s should have called the game knowing the rain was moving in. Jerks. I hate the O’s and their manager. Hope he gets fired after the “wonderful” season he is having.

I hope I remember I have my eye appointment. I keep thinking I have nothing going on but I do. I wanted to spend tomorrow just resting but that doesn’t seem to be happening. I will make a sandwich for lunch. The appt is late in the afternoon. I think I am going to order Thai for dinner. I’ll get Pad Thai. It is my favorite. It is too hot to cook. I still need to get more turkey breast for sandwiches. I bought precooked bacon. I wasn’t crazy about it. I forget the brand I bought. I think Boar’s Head is better but you only get like 7 slices per box. This had more than that.

My mother might be coming home next week. Depends on how she does. She is going to see the surgeon Monday. I can but can’t wait till she is home. I just know my lunatic aunt is going to be over every fricken day to hover over her and start fights with her. Drives me crazy. I wish I could just tell my aunt to leave but it’s my mother’s house too.

I took about 2.5 hour nap. I probably won’t sleep tonight.

about today’s therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

After I wrote my blog last night, I stayed up for maybe an hour and then I crashed. I was so wiped out and knew if I fought it, I was going to get overtired and then sleep whenever. So I basically fell asleep by 2130. But fucking stupid pain woke me at 0100. Again it happened while I was dreaming to wake me up. Annoying. I had taken my pain meds so I don’t understand why I am waking up in pain. Doesn’t make sense. It was difficult to go back to sleep. Around 5, I made breakfast. I read. I laid down to try and sleep but then my fricken bones started hurting. I didn’t fall back to sleep until 0630. I took my morning meds before I tried sleeping, including my pain meds as I put the do not disturb on my phone but set my alarm for exclusion so I wouldn’t oversleep.

The damn thing went off at 10 but I didn’t want to get up. I had to sleep because I had a late therapy appointment and if I stayed up, I might be groggy by the time therapy rolled around. I didn’t want that. I took a shower and then went to my room to cool off. Then I made some cold cut sandwiches for lunch. I then left to do the errand for mother. When I was done, the bus was there so I took it, even though it wouldn’t take me to the square. I ordered my espresso got some Pike for home. Then I had my sandwich. It was good. I had brought some cookies in case I wanted something sweet but I was too full. I wrote in my journal for a bit and then left for therapy.

Therapy was good. I brought up some difficult things I wanted to discuss but wasn’t sure if he would dump me after I told him. I said so and he said there were only about 4 things that would cause him to dump me. 1) self-harm in his office, 2) injuring him, 3) destroying any of his office things, and the 4) undressing in his in office. Then asked him if he planned on undressing and he said no. Good. I really don’t want to see him naked!

We had a good chat around my suicidality. I brought up some points that my friend on Twitter brought up with the blog I wrote over the weekend. He asked why I thought it would scare him away and I said because I wasn’t sure how crazy you would think I am. He said he has extensive work in trauma so understands how things can get wonky trying to cope with it when you don’t know how to cope, basically (my words, not his). I felt better talking about this and asked what to do about it and he gave me an answer that I didn’t like, which was “this”. And I was like what, put things in a bag and then pull them out one by one? Deal with everything? Come on, man, give me some guidance! We went over the stuff little by little until time ran out. But there is no structure with how we will proceed and that kind of irks me. He said I like control and I do, to a degree. This guy really gets me and I am so glad because I can talk to him and not worry he is going to force me to go to the hospital after we talk or bind me to some safety contract before leaving. The suicidologist in me is totally freaking out about this because there should be SOME plan but there isn’t. He has said that if I want to kill myself, I am free to do so, just don’t do it in his office, basically. This is really hard to grasp when I have had 27 years of therapists that have been very strict on safety and calling for help and the what not of trying to keep me alive. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t give a shit if I live or die, but today I got a glimpse that he does care if I do. Usually, the therapist’s care if what helps me to know if I am worth caring about. I know my psychiatrist cares. She wouldn’t nudge me and be a pain in the ass about me seeing her if she didn’t. I don’t get that way with this therapist though. If I want to cancel, it is okay where past therapists have always given me a hassle on why did I cancel like if I didn’t have a good enough reason, I couldn’t cancel the session. I tell him I can’t make it, and that is fine with him. He understands that I have a medical condition that sometimes forces me out of the game. I sometimes cannot physically make it in. I try though and I sometimes wait too long to cancel until I realize I can’t cancel because it is past the golden hour to do so.

Anyway, these are just my experiences with this therapist. I like him even though there is no structure. Just talk and see where it goes kind of deal. It kind of drives me crazy some times but it is also okay because there is no linear path of getting better. Just like my memoir. It goes forwards and backwards. I hope we do talk about what we talked about today again. I think I will have to bring it up to work on it. I just don’t see him doing that.

Busy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Busy day

My cousin called me around noonish wanting to know if I still needed to go to Stop and Shop. I said I did. I only had to pick up a few things. My mother also wanted me to return the bottles and can for recycles. I get there and there is an elderly man that thinks he owns the place. He fended me off the first plastics machine. I just went to the cans and started putting them in. He was done with the plastics so I started putting in what I had and switched when I needed to. Then he comes over wanting to use the machine. I wouldn’t mind but there were two other machines!! He then opens the door to the bins (which were nowhere near full and left the door open. I look at the thing to see if there was something wrong with the machine and there wasn’t. I closed the door, kind of guarding my can machine so he wouldn’t get the ticket. It was hot as hell in the little room as there was no air. I was sweating bullets and was starting to get soaked. I was working as fast as I could to get the hell out of there. I collected my tickets, then went to the store.

I went to the fruit section because I wanted some watermelon. I like getting the pre-cut fruit so I don’t have to do it. Yup, I am lazy. But it was way expensive for a little container. I would be better off buying the melon and cutting it up myself (which I have no idea how to do without destroying it). I then went to the deli to get some cold cuts. I asked for a third of a pound of salami and I think I got like more than half. It was a huge pile of salami! Glad it doesn’t go bad right away. I will be having salami sandwiches for a while! I then got a little other things. I wanted some cookies so got some Chip Ahoy thins. They are okay. I’m not crazy about them. I stayed away from Oreos because I can eat the whole thing in one sitting with a glass of milk. I paid for my things and then cashed in the tickets for the cans and bottles. I got $5.40. whoohoo!

My cousin was done with his thing so took me home. I told him about the creepy elderly man. He said I should have called him. What was he going to do?? I came home and put the things away. I must have sat on my bed for at least 15 minutes when my cousin called me again. Why was his mother going to see my mother again. UM, I have no fucking clue! I called my sister and she said she was bringing my mother some food. My mother hasn’t been eating because the food sucks. I decided to go with her and the lunatic to see my mother. I haven’t seen her since last week. I didn’t wear my AFO just some sandals. I knew that was risky but it was too hot to wear socks and sneakers. I am glad I did because my mother’s room was stuffy. The AC wasn’t too powerful. I think it was cooler outside than inside!

I came home but wasn’t hungry. It was med time. I took my night meds and I am really tired. Ball game is going on and we are winning so far. Last night we won. The Snakes lost because their catcher was stupid. HAHA today they placed him on the DL. I forget what for. He isn’t a fast runner but he apparently was even slower than usual which cost them the game. I want to listen to the game but I really should try and sleep, even though it is early. I know if I don’t try, I will get overtired and then be up all night. I am already trying to plan my day tomorrow because I have to do some errands for my mother, which means leaving earlier than usual. It is also going to be hot. I need a shower and also shave my head again. I saw the pic of when I was last at the barbers. My hair was very close to my head. Now it isn’t at all. Looks like I haven’t been to the barber in months. I am trying to grow the top out. I don’t know if I can keep up the shaving once it grows out. It is already getting hard to shave in the back. I am just going by feel.

I need to wash clothes tomorrow. The hamper is getting pretty full. I hope I can manage it. I got to wash my mother’s sheets that my sister took off the bed. They have been sitting on the floor for a while. I have been meaning to throw them in the washer but I got to take off the pans that are on top of the washer. It is a pain in the ass.