Tag: blog

a hot Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A hot Sunday

It’s hot and sticky today. I’ve stayed in my room except to use the bathroom and have meals. I just finished watching the Sox blow the lead against the Jays and am not happy right now.

I woke up around 0130 to pee and was up for a bit afterwards. The sleep thing said I had five hours. This is the second time the app has shown me this and I have had to pee so I think I really need to make sure my bladder is empty before I lay down to sleep. Might not help as the body produces urine anyway but if I know my bladder is empty and I don’t drink anything then I have a possible good chance of sleeping a full night.

I only had one cup of coffee today so right now I am feeling wicked tired. I am listening to the rest of Hamilton. I started listening to it the other night but couldn’t finish it. I want to take a nap but am afraid that if I do I will wake up in the middle of the night again. I have such a headache because of the heat. I wish I could take some ibuprofen but I can’t because of surgery coming up. I am having a hysterectomy done as a gender affirming surgery. I don’t have to worry about an unexpected period or PAP smears anymore. I am having cramps today and I still don’t know if they are bladder or uterine. It bugs the crap out of me that I hurt and don’t know why. I will know soon enough.

I have a busy week this week. Most of it is getting prepped for surgery. I see the uro NP on Thursday to discuss things. I just hope post op I will be ok. I have enough caths to last me through the month should I have to cath every couple of hours until I heal inside. I have therapy tomorrow. I am kind of anxious about it because I don’t really want to talk about trauma. I have just one errand to do tomorrow and that is to pick up my meds when they are ready. They would have been ready last week but the pharmacy was short a few pills. I haven’t done any PT today. I am not feeling up to it because I got such a damn headache right now. It is taking every ounce of concentration to continue writing this blog.

I have to shower tomorrow. I should shower tonight but I think I am just going to take my night meds and sleep. Next week I will have to shower four days in a row and with the antibacterial soap as a prep for surgery. I tend to have more energy in the morning so I think I will shower then. I am listening to Taylor now. All her songs. I cannot wait for Nov 19 when Red (Taylor’s Version) is out. 30 fricken songs. Going to be amazing.

Saturday Blog 07082021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 07082021

Today is my ex therapist’s and cousin’s birthday. I wished them both a happy day. I have been having a mellow day. I went to the store to pick up my pictures that I had developed. They were of my sister’s wedding and bridal shower. One roll of film didn’t come out great but then it is 16 years old so I am not surprised.

I had my coffee and a bowl of cereal. My mother had to comment about my grumpy face. Well I hadn’t had coffee yet so there. I hate when she comments on my depressed face. She isn’t supportive in it but just kinds of makes fun of me. It annoys me that she does this.

Twitter is filled with racism talk and Covid cases today. It is so depressing and angering. I am going to try and stay off it today because it is just bringing me down. I need to shave today. I might shower even though I showered yesterday. Today is hot and I have been sweaty. I am in the kitchen typing this because I wanted coffee. I need a second cup. I had three yesterday, one around 530p to watch the Sox fall apart in the 5th inning. It was such a lousy game last night. It is hot in the kitchen as it is 88 degrees out. So I am drinking hot coffee in a hot kitchen. I don’t mind drinking hot coffee. I could have made iced coffee but I just don’t feel like it.

Yesterday I ordered groceries. I ordered a bunch of yogurt because I love it. Chobani makes a strawberry cheesecake that is pretty awesome. It is basically strawberry yogurt with graham cracker sprinkles and some candy that tastes like cheesecake. I also bought protein drinks for when I am not hungry.

My sister invited me for lunch for a burger and I couldn’t say no. I love grilled cheeseburgers. I also had some potato salad and coleslaw. I saw my brother in law and he said he would be up to take care of my AC. I am still waiting. It has been more than a month. I hope there is nothing wrong with the new unit because the warranty has expired as it has been more than 30 days that I have had the unit, sitting in a box in my living room.

Next week is going to be a busy week for me. I have three appointments and need to go to the lab to give a urine sample for pre-op. It is to make sure I don’t have an infection. I go for Covid testing the following week. Shit which means that I will have to reschedule my therapy appointment for that day as it is a Monday. Maybe I won’t have therapy the week of surgery. My sister is working that week so I am having a friend pick me up after the procedure. It is day surgery. I should be ok. I just got to make sure everything I need is within reach when I am home. I won’t be able to lift things for 8 weeks so I am not sure how I am going to get my order of Gatorade for the month of August. I might have to order it before surgery to make sure I don’t run out and have plenty on hand. Not sure where I will put it but as long as I have it, that will be the important thing. I do have to keep walking so that the gas they are putting in me has a chance to be absorbed. I never had this before and hope it isn’t too uncomfortable. I am more worried about being sore and not being able to sit up in my bed. I kind of lean forward when I am in my bed than if I am in the kitchen sitting in a chair. That is my biggest concern because I will be in bed most of the time, or at least in my room. If my new AC gets put in my room by then, I hope I can put a folding chair in my room so I can sit in it for a bit rather than just stay on my bed.

I have my last PT session day before surgery. I don’t think I will be needing PT after surgery according to my surgeon so that is good. I just hope there isn’t a draw back like my back surgery where I was so tired that it was hard to move due to the duration of the surgery. This surgery doesn’t have that much blood loss so I should be ok, if all goes well.

it takes everything in me just to get up each day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability

it takes everything in me just to get up each day

today I am a total wreck. I am wicked emotional, riding a rollercoaster. One minute I am ok the next I am wicked sad the next I am wicked angry. I have to stay off of Twitter because it is bringing me down with the Covid cases and idiot people that won’t get a vaccine for preposterous reasons. I blame Fox news for most of the misinformation out there.

Yesterday my thigh seized up. I don’t know what I did or if it is a reaction to the testosterone shot I gave myself on Wed. I spoke to my PT about it and she thinks it is a tight quad. She told me what to do about it and I have been trying to do it but my groceries came and I aggravated it more by going up and down stairs. I am fucking hurting big time right now as the thigh is throbbing painfully. I have taken what I can to control this pain. I would love a nap but I hurt too much to lie down. I really just want to die right now because I can’t stand the fucking pain. Ankle is acting up too. Last night around 230 I woke up with my calf cramping on me. I couldn’t go back to sleep right away so I decided to color for a bit. It helped to get my mind off the pain as I waited for the meds to work. Unfortunately, I didn’t really succeed in sleeping after coloring because then I woke up to pee. I have been up since 530 as I gave up on sleep. I had my coffee around 0600. I also had a bowl of cereal. I had energy this morning but now I feel so spent. I also went to the post office and the pharmacy to pick up my meds. My BT meds won’t be ready till Monday because they are short four pills. I could have them but then I would be short. I rather wait till Monday to pick up the full order because there is no way I am going to get another script for four pills. I have enough to carry me through so I am not too worried.

The walk took out my lower back. I was hurting big time. I am hoping my PT can work her magic on my lower back to ease it up or do some dry needling to get it to stop cramping on me. I will ask her on Tuesday when I see her again. She has been the best PT I have ever had, next to the other one I had before her. She was great, too.

I had therapy yesterday. It didn’t go so well. We talked about working on my trauma issues and she has some reservation about doing it because I am not that great with doing coping skills outside of therapy sessions. I admit that I am terrible at it mostly because I don’t know what to do half the time. It is easy to say do coping skills but there are so damn many how do you choose when you are at your breaking point? I got at the frustration point today because of pain and decided to write a blog. That has been always a go to for me but I have to be careful about writing about how suicidal I am feeling because I have had police show up at my door. I don’t know if what I wrote on the blog that day is what sent the police to my door as I wrote on multiple platforms that I was suicidal, any number of which could have had someone call the police on me. So I tend to keep the strong urges off social media.

I took an Ativan with my BT med and feel much calmer than I did before. Ativan has a way of righting the ship. I use it sparingly but I guess I should use it more often when I feel perturbed. My pain levels have gone down some so that is good. Game is on in a couple of hours. They have been on a losing streak as of late. I know we will be okay once something shifts but I don’t know what that is. Our pitching has suffered greatly since the stupid sticky ban. Don’t understand why you would enforce something midseason instead of at the start of the year. SO fucking stupid.

So because I can’t use my coping skills wisely, doing trauma work is kind of off the table right now. Plus with my surgery coming up it might be difficult to do the work. I have a feeling I might have to miss a session or two because I won’t be able to sit properly. It will be a good break for me.

a day of business calls

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, COVID19, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, recurrent major depressive disorder

A day of business calls

I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept waking up every fricken hour from 1a on. I finally gave up sleeping at 7. I took my meds and then paid my bills. I had enough left over to put some funds in Starbucks and buy a book. I then put my alarm on for 930 so I could see if I could sleep for an hour before I had to get up and ready for getting my haircut. I didn’t sleep. I kept on getting notifications that kept me up. I should have turned off my phone or put the no disturb on so just my alarm would go off. I will have to remember that for next time.

I had my coffee and biscuits. My sister came up for a short time to tell me about my sister in law. She was diagnosed with liver cancer in March and now it has metastasized to her abdomen. She is now in hospice care. Her family is in denial that she is sick which isn’t helping her. Apparently she is so depressed over the news she just isn’t doing much to take care of herself and is in the ICU because she is dehydrated. I feel bad for her. My brother in law is also in denial about her sister’s health. I just feel bad for her son. He is going through so much.

After I had coffee I got dressed and ready for the bus. I had planned on going to Starbucks after the haircut but forgot my bag so I just went to get a drink for me and my barber. On the way back to the barber shop I became short of breath again. I don’t know why as it is all level ground, no inclines or hills. I know this is because of Covid and being deconditioned. My PT said my breathing would be the last to be better. I want to be better now! Dammit.

After I got my haircut, I was again out of breath when I got home. I had to sit in the kitchen for a bit to relax before going up to my room. I had some water and then went up to my room. I changed into my PJs, turned on the AC, checked my phone for more messages and then rested for a couple of hours. I didn’t sleep but the rest did me good. I was finally able to call my insurance and find out why the copays were so high. Turns out my PT place is billing several dates of service under one date so it looks like one visit is costing me $30, $50, or $60 dollars depending on how many visits is processed.  I emailed the billing and asked why wasn’t this reflected in my statement so it doesn’t look like one visit is costing me more than my $15 copay. I am waiting for a response.

I also called uro because I need catheters. I have one box left. The nurse I left a message to called the supply company and they said they would rush the order. I still have to have my provider change the daily catheter number so I can get more catheters to hold me through the month. I sent a message 5 days ago and haven’t heard back so I sent another message asking what the status is.

All this calling made me tired and seeing as I didn’t eat anything, I was also nervous/anxious. I took an Ativan and ordered Chinese food, my favorite dish, Kung Pao chicken. It was so good. They didn’t have the double order like before. I guess you can only order a bowl now, which is sad. I might have to change to another Chinese restaurant to get more Kung Pao rather than more rice. I just didn’t want to place a big order.

I got a response to the message I sent to my therapist the other day. She isn’t happy with me because I sent her “provocative” text messages. I was having a bad pain day yesterday and was texting her about what I was taking. I guess she took it as “provocative” messages. She also said repeatedly that she knows my knowledge of things is great and she said this throughout the session. Funny, I don’t remember her saying that at all. I guess when she said I didn’t go to med school, it threw out whatever else she was saying. I am trying to do what she has asked of me by doing the work outside of therapy like doing the work in the suicidal thoughts workbook. I have been meaning to do it but I am just too tired because I haven’t slept good the past few nights and been in a lot of pain.

I don’t know if I am going to listen to the game tonight. I am feeling awfully tired and I don’t know if the game will cause me to get agitated if there are bad plays. I get involved in my games when I am listening or watching it. I am going to take my night meds early because I want to make sure I go to bed at a decent hour. Last night I was late in taking my meds and it disrupted my sleep. I also bought 3mg of melatonin to take at the suggestion of my psychiatrist. I told him the 5 mg was giving me a hangover the next day. We’ll see if the 3 mg is better.