Tag: cauda equina syndrome

physical pain and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, mood disorders, physical pain, suicide, suicide attempt

Physical pain and suicide

 

Past two weeks I have had two episodes of really bad physical pain that had me in tears and wanting to end my life. I didn’t do anything to spark this pain, such as dropping a brick on my foot or stubbing my toe. The pain went deeper than that. And despite taking pain medication, I still was in agony. People think that all you have to do is take a pill to make pain go away and most times it works. But what do you do when you have a condition that doesn’t allow for that?

I have what is known as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, CRPS for short, in my left foot. I got it because of another long name diagnosis called Cauda Equina Syndrome, CES for short. I got this former condition as a result of a ruptured disc when I was twenty-five. I didn’t know that it would result in the CRPS until now. Since I was twenty-five, I never learned how to walk correctly and pulled muscles that were not meant for walking. Because of this overuse, I developed CRPS after eleven years of dealing with CES. I have been suffering with CRPS for the past 2 years and it sucks. Every pain flare up feels like it is going to last forever. I am on disability because I can no longer work as a lab assistant. I can’t walk long distances, or stand too long on my feet, which working in the lab you do all the time. You are constantly getting up and down going to the different areas of the lab for the different testing that we do.

The pain started after I sprained my ankle on some ice in the winter of 2011. I went to several different doctors but no one could tell me what was wrong. All the x-rays, MRI’s, and physical condition of my ankle were normal except for some minor swelling near my peroneous muscles and tendons. It is when these get really swollen that I am in agony. As I am typing this, my foot feels really cold, like it is soaking in ice water. But to the touch, it is warm. I have a sock on it to prevent it from cramping. I have to protect my foot at all times from the cold to prevent cramps that are eye popping and then my foot becomes really sore. I don’t have any physical discoloration like typical CRPS. I think if I did I would have an easier diagnosis.

This pain drives me to suicidal crises every single time it flares up. The last time this happened was last week. I didn’t do anything, but I really wanted to die. I am almost out of my pain pills as I have been gobbling them up like candy to try and take control of my pain. I see my PCP next week to get something for flare ups. If he doesn’t do anything for me then I am afraid that things do not look good for me, at least mentally. I wrote a letter to my psychiatrist when I had this pain flare up. She understands the only time lately I become suicidal is when my physical pain becomes unbearable. And my pain is never during normal business hours. It is during the after hours, wee hours of the morning. I can be up all night because of pain. And no matter what I take, once it starts it seems never ending until exhaustion comes into play and I get some relief. Only then do I become a “different person mentally.” The events of the night before seem remote, like they happened to someone else. I guess you can say I dissociate from the pain and what is killing me.

Pain flare ups are hard to predict. Sometimes they come up when I do too much. Making cookies one time caused a flare up. Washing dishes will cause another. Standing more than a half hour for the bus will cause another. I never know what to do when I feel the pain coming on. My first instinct is to pop a pill and try and relax. After a bit I will take a muscle relaxer to prevent anxiety and spasms/cramps. Sometimes this will work, sometimes it won’t. It’s when it won’t that the suicidal self goes into play and all I can think about is death. I often play my fantasy of what the doctor will say if he doesn’t give me pain medication. That truly terrifies me. I often come up with me telling him to sign my death certificate, because that is what will happen. I can’t live with this level of pain every day. Right now it is not so bad. I have restarted another mood stabilizer and it seems to be helping but I still feel I need a longer acting medication that I can use for flare ups and to get me to sleep better. Because without the benefit of sleep, nothing is worth a dime.

A Day in the Life of Midnight Demon

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Talking with Bozo, aka my therapist, 3x this week. Don’t know how that happened. I called her Thursday because I was in severe pain Wednesday night which seems like ages ago today. She asked if I wanted to meet Monday and like an idiot I said yes. We talked about M today as I am upset by the whole thing. People who are not in the situation are quick to judge about what to do. I had a response to M’s blog and one person said that I should do something as she obviously “wants help”,  as she opened up to me. Thing is she doesn’t know the battle it takes to deal with the effects of chronic illness day in and day out. No one knows how hard it is to deal with this unless they have been there like I have. I feel M’s pain as if it were my own because I have been where she is and I know what she is going through.

M is going to the doc today and I hope they do something for her but I doubt that she will open up to them about her plan or much less about what is really going on with her. She seems convinced to go through with whatever she is planning and it sounds like she has been poisoning herself slowly to die a slow death. It’s awful that she has to go through this alone. I feel so helpless. But I understand where she is coming from.

Now my Left foot is vibrating right now. It’s driving me nuts. And it’s not even night time. It’s weird that I would get nerve pain at 2 pm in the afternoon.

Today I also went to the bank and bakery for my mother. Also mailed her mail. Then came to Starbucks.

I’m getting a little bit tired like I can take a nap but I won’t. I got to stop taking naps even though it’s the only way I get the REM sleep. It really sucks to sleep during the day but I wake up sometimes restful, other times groggy. I really want another coffee, maybe a Blue Java from Indonesia! I really love that coffee. I had some yesterday. I love that I can make it whenever I want. But I’m at Starbucks so I can get another coffee if I want it dammit! And I did get it. Two cups of coffee in one day. I’m going to be up all night. Coffee is so much different than at home. But it still tastes as strong as home. I miss my Galapagos. That was the best mild full-bodied coffee. But the Pats game is on tonight so I will need all the caffeination I can get!!

I got to go home and find my Roxio cd so I can burn CDs again. I don’t know why I should be worrying about it. It’s not like the thing is going to work on my new laptop any ways.

If my father had a DVD player I could have made him a DVD of his pictures rather than his photo book that is crap. Jerk better like it or I will be wicked upset with him.

The sad truth about CES

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, medical, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

8-Dec-12

I’m faced with a dilemma. A friend of mine that I have known for the past year or so via email has just emailed saying that she is going to kill herself soon because she just can’t take it anymore. She feels no one will care and that Obamacare wants her to commit suicide anyway because she has a chronic illness and it will cost too much to keep her alive.

I feel I should let someone know but I don’t want to betray her confidence in me by telling people about her plan. She doesn’t want to be talked out of it. I understand where she is coming from and it troubles me that I can’t do anything to try and stop her. I know that if I do, she will probably not talk to me again and most likely be more determined than ever to try again or just attempt it without talking to me first about it. Her husband has neglected her emotionally. She has no one to talk to except via email. She has no close family members and is dependent solely on her husband for everything as she is in a poor state of health. I am mad at the husband for failing his wife. Maybe she is right and she will be better off dead. I often feel that way but I can feel the pain in what she writes and I know the agony and psychache she feels.

I just wrote her an email begging her not to go through with it and have me try and talk with her about things. To al least email me when she does so I can be with her so she isn’t alone when she dies. I don’t know what else to do or say to her. I know I could ask someone in the group to call her but like I said before I don’t want to betray her confidence. I know in suicide there is no confidences or promises but I hate just sitting here not knowing what to do. It really sucks to be in this type of position. Who am I to stop her? I know the pain she is going through. I know the misery it brings. I know the loss of dignity that this dreaded nerve condition brings. It’s awful that she has someone living with her that doesn’t care anymore. It makes me sad that she has to go through this alone. I hope that my email finds her and that she hasn’t done it yet. If I don’t get a response then I’ll know that I was too late in reaching out to a friend in need. I don’t even have her number to call her and check on her. I knew that she was suicidal in the past. We have talked about it many times before.I just didn’t know she would go through with it. Sometimes writing about what you are going to do puts you in a better frame of mind. It sometimes proves to be cathartic. I know that if I write the most horrible depressing, despairing letters I feel better afterwards. I don’t feel so suicidal afterwards. It sucks being in pain all the time and not having any relief. I get why she wants to do this and I respect her decision. All you can think about is death when you are in pain 24/7 because all you want is relief. Doesn’t matter how you achieve your death, you just know dying is better than living. It takes its toll on you that no one else can understand except for other who suffer with you. No one except someone with the same or similar condition can know the depths of despair, hopelessness, exhaustion, chronic pain, chronic worry that this condition brings. It’s an invisible illness as after surgery, you can’t really see the damage anymore on the MRI or x-ray but you can feel it. The constant burning, loss of sensation, loss of bowel/bladder, loss of sexual function all encompass this illness caused by stenosis, disc herniation, or trauma to the cauda equine nerves, the horse’s tail. It’s the bundle of nerves that begin where the spinal cord ends, usually at the L1/L2 vertebrae.

pain rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Dear Doc,

It’s 2 am and I am in severe pain. I already took 2 vicoden and 2 ativan (not at the same time). I don’t know why my foot is in such awful pain. I need something to cover me as this is ridiculous. I just want to end my life whenever the pain gets this bad. I don’t know what to do. It’s 2 am and it’s not like the DOC can call in a script for more meds, and I doubt they would because they don’t know you from Adam. Most they can do is tell you to go to the ER. But the ER isn’t going to do anything because you know they are not going to find anything wrong. My foot isn’t red, bruised, discolored in anyway shape or form. It might be a little swollen but that is all. And it HURTS like bloody hell!! I’m tired of this shit and want to put a noose around my neck. This is the 2nd flare up in two weeks. Both have come from standing/walking too much and temperatures fluctuating more than 20 degrees or so. And this is just December.

 

by the time you read this, this will all be just a vague memory but I want it recorded somewhere so I know I am not going crazy. hopefully I’ll get some sleep. Maybe having some oxycontin will be a good idea for nights like tonight. I don’t know anymore. I just know I can’t go on living like this.