Tag: cauda equina syndrome

tough past few days

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tough past few days

I’ve been hit with severe depression and hopelessness the past few days. I had my appointment with the new pain doc and it was discouraging. I felt like they felt I was too at risk for management because of my psych condition and past suicidal history. They were to discuss options with my primary care doc and then make some decision. I honestly don’t care to go back to see them. I am seeing their pain psychologist for some coping stuff specific to pain. I think that will be good. I don’t see him until the end of Oct.

I had the meeting with my PCP today. He didn’t say anything of what the pain docs said. I told him I was discouraged because of the way they are treating my mental illness. He didn’t say too much other than he was sorry that I am still recovering from surgery. It has been such a long process. I am not sure when I will see him again.

I also had a meeting with my therapist today. It was a tough session, she really pushed me and I was not really in the mood for pushing. I wanted to leave at least three times but I stuck it out. I asked her what to do when I get into these horrible moods so she gave me a DBT handout on some skill. I have to print it out so I have it in front of me. She wants me to work on this skill every day. We’ll see if that happens. I am not so great in doing homework, especially when there is no follow up with it. We talked about how hopeless I have been feeling. I told her I felt like crawling under a rock and staying there. She just agreed with me with an ok.

Because I was two hours early for my pain doc appointment, I started listening to Hamilton. I finished listening to it tonight and the ending always makes me sad. Watching the movie, which I haven’t in months, I would cry. Just seeing the emotions on the stage were enough to get me to feel.

I shaved and showered tonight before the Sox game. It was a disaster by the 3rd inning so I turned off the radio app. It was interfering with my writing. I kept blanking out as I was listening to the game. So hard to write when you are listening to something. I can listen to music just fine but a ball game or a musical and it’s tough writing.

Back is thanking me for showering and shaving right now. It is cramping up big time and hurts. All I can do is take Tylenol and Advil. My pain meds don’t really work for the cramping. I do take the Zanaflex but I think it is losing its effectiveness or I might be becoming tolerant to it. It still makes me sleepy though.

shitty day times two

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shitty day times two

I am not having a good day. I texted my therapist but got no response. I didn’t think I would get one. I am feeling bad about myself because I crapped my pants, not once but twice today. The first was around 2 am. I had to pee and found that I had shit myself. What a damn surprise. I got cleaned up and then I couldn’t sleep because I was awake. I didn’t go back to sleep till around 0500. I woke up to take my morning meds and crapped myself again. I was not happy. I went to the bathroom and crap poured out of me like water. I cleaned myself up again and then made coffee. The half and half curdled my coffee so I didn’t drink much of it. I tried but I couldn’t get past it. It tasted fine but I didn’t want to risk another stomach upset. Today was shit in a hand basket and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried going back to sleep but I couldn’t. I decided to shave and shower. After that I was exhausted. My back was giving me fits. I took another muscle relaxer to help quite it down.

After waiting for the med to kick in, I decided to make something to eat. I made a turkey bacon sandwich. It was so good and hit the spot. Now I am really tired and need a nap. I am trying to fight it so that I can go to sleep early.

The cool weather has finally arrived and I love it. My mother is freezing and had to turn the heat on last night because she was cold. Luckily, the heat didn’t come on in my room for some reason. It might not have been turned up all the way. My radiator is finicky. It will either be freezing cold or burning hot. There is no in between. This winter is probably going to be colder than it has been because our summer was so hot. I just hope we don’t get snow. I don’t like snow. Freezing temps I am ok with.

I feel really bad about crapping myself today. I know it is a risk when I have loose stool. I just can’t hold it. I am just glad I didn’t empty my bowels in my pants. That would have been worse. This is the third time I have lost control of my bowels since my surgery. I don’t feel the stool at all, unless it is hard. And I can’t distinguish between air and stool when I get the urge to fart. The second crap was a shart I wasn’t aware of until after the fact. It still strikes a blow to my dignity. It is going to take some time to recover.

Keep writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Keep writing

Towards the end of my session today with my therapist, her computer shut down on its own. I thought it was funny. She wasn’t amused and asked if I wanted to see her on Monday. I told her I was okay and that seeing her Thursday would be fine. In the text message she said to keep writing. So that is what I am doing. Seems like it is the only thing I do to cope with stuff. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone, me writing every day or every other day. I have huge writing problems at times where I write continuously for a period and then stop for a couple of hours. I hate that. I can’t seem to write in one continuous stream like I used to.

I’ve been tired all day. We talked about being tired and she thinks it is because I am recovering more than being depressed. Tomorrow I want to go to the grocery store as I need coffee. I have an appointment with the new psychiatrist and then I will go. I just hope I sleep ok. The appointment is in the morning and I hate morning appointments. I do better with early afternoon to late afternoon.

My back has been in cramp mode since around the time therapy started. I haven’t been able to calm it down. I take my night meds soon so hopefully the Ativan will help. I also took some extra magnesium. If anything it will help the bowels. I had my T shot today. It didn’t go well. I hit a vein again so there was a lot of blood coming out of me. I am not used to it and it freaks me out, even though I used to work with blood. It is just different when it is your own.

I wrote an email to a friend. I haven’t been in touch with her since last week when she sent me a get well card. It was nice of her to send it to me. I still have to get a venti on her, as she puts it. I have to somehow manage to get there one of these days. I wish I could sit at Starbucks and drink my drink but there still is no seating available. I miss writing there. It was a good way to spend a couple hours out of the house.

My bladder has been funny all day. I have the urge to pee but I don’t go right away when I am on the toilet. It takes about two minutes to void. Then it stops and go until I really press on my bladder to make sure it is somewhat empty. I don’t want to cath but I might one of these days to makes sure it is empty. Last thing I need is an infection because of old urine being stored. I don’t have the urodynamic testing until Dec. I tried to get it sooner but they don’t have any times. My urologist is okay with this. I am okay with it then too.

in a grumpy mood today

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

In a grumpy mood today

I am not feeling well today. I feel tired and my back has been spazzing up a storm all day, probably because of the hurricanes that are passing through the east coast. Either way, I am not feeling good. I made breakfast and it hurt. I could barely clean up afterwards. Luckily my sister cleaned up for me as she wanted to cook something and needed the space. I put my stuff away and then went up to my room to relax a bit. My sister made nachos so when they were done, I went back downstairs to have them. They were so good! I really liked it.

I shaved and showered today which took some energy from me. I felt tired and my back was cramping. I went up stairs to relax and I took a nap. I had taken some medicine to stop the cramping and it makes me tired so I slept. Then my sister’s loud mouth woke me up a couple of hours later. I didn’t like this. My mother called me saying she wanted to talk to me and I had to get up to pee so I talked to her. I told her I was tired. Things that shouldn’t tire me out tire me out. I have no energy for things. I wanted to go to the grocery store today but I couldn’t because I showered. Maybe tomorrow I will go before my therapy appointment.

I should write down stuff I want to talk about tomorrow for therapy so I have something to talk about. I just don’t know what to talk about. I hate this. I hate when I can’t think of something to say and the therapist doesn’t ask questions about things either. I hate that. Yesterday I had a dream that I almost slept through the appointment. I woke up at the time I was supposed to meet so I was scrambling to get on the laptop.

Tomorrow is T shot day. I might give it tonight if I am up around midnight. If not it will be in the morning I will give myself the shot. I might post some before and after pics later. I haven’t done that in a long time, mostly because there hasn’t been much change going on. I still don’t have a full beard. And I don’t have enough of a connection to have a goatee in place.

The weather has cooled off. I am grateful it has. I love the cooler weather. I can’t believe how tired I have been the past few days. All I have been doing is laying down and sleeping. I might wake up during the middle of the night to pee and then stay up for an hour or two because I can’t go back to sleep right away. That stinks because it throws me off and makes me more tired during the day. I had coffee today and then I took a nap. Then I showered and my sister made nachos and then I napped again. I know I am still recovering from surgery but damn, the feeling of being tired has to stop. I am tired of being tired. I am three weeks post op. Tomorrow I need to empty my recycling. It is getting full. I should dump my trash as well. I still need to break down the Amazon boxes that are in my room. I have a lot. I don’t know how they accumulated.

I got to lay down again. Back is acting up. UGH I can’t even blog for more than a half hour now. This sucks!