I had my appointment with my neurosurgeon this morning. We talked about the MRI results. I do have a leak but it isn’t something major. It is medium size so we are just going to monitor the headaches and see if the steroids help it. He wants me to increase activity but slowly. Just taking one walk per day and resting the rest of the time as I need to be careful with my back. I didn’t ask him about more PT sessions. The PT that I have been working with that I don’t like is coming tomorrow. I hope she doesn’t work me too hard because that will be bad. I honestly don’t want to have PT but I know I need it.
After I had breakfast and my tea, I had to give myself my T shot. The first injection didn’t go well as it felt wrong and sure enough it was. I hit a vein and there was blood. UGH. I didn’t inject in that leg I used my other one. I had to. I didn’t want to risk another venipuncture. The second injection went smoothly and I didn’t even feel it. So yay for doing it right, the second time. I was sleepy afterwards so I decided to take a nap and then I would shower and then go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. That was the plan anyways. It didn’t happen because I woke up at 3 and was too tired to leave the house. I did take a quick shower. I also shaved my face. I had to because I was starting to get stubble again. I want to be clean shaven for a while, though I still have my mustache.
I ordered food for dinner as I didn’t want to cook anything. I was supposed to get a milkshake with my order but I didn’t. I was sorely disappointed. I had asked the delivery guy about it and he just kept on saying no. Jerk. I wanted that one sweet thing today. I have been in such a blah mood. Pain hasn’t been helping my mood at all. I have been having bladder cramps the past hour or so for some reason. I hate them. They feel like period cramps. I took some Tylenol for them though I know that probably won’t help any. I’m feeling really low right now and I don’t know why. It came on so suddenly. I feel like I shouldn’t be around anymore. That has been my feeling for most of the week. I didn’t think I would get back to these dark moods so suddenly but I have. I guess the affects of the anesthesia have worn off now and I am back to my depressed mood. It was good having a little respite from it. I hope I sleep tonight.
It has been freezing today with cold wind and rain. I wanted to pick up my meds but they still aren’t ready and the wait time for the phone was ridiculous. Soon as you were the next caller they hung up on you. So rude. I am so unhappy with this pharmacy. It has been a wreck since it was taken over by another chain. It had gotten better for a while but now regular staff is not there and I have no idea why they aren’t picking up the damn phones. Just aggravating to then stand in line and be told to wait three fricken hours.
I had therapy today but it was frustrating. Therapist wanted me to talk about how I was feeling but I wasn’t feeling anything and not much for talking. I hate morning appointments because I am not awake enough to be in a mood. I think I am going to have to start writing some stuff down to talk about because I keep on being blank. I took a three hour nap afterwards that I am still tired from. I just cannot get going today. I wanted to shower but it is so fricken cold I don’t feel like it. Tomorrow supposed to rain, too. Fricken sucks. I hope my prescription is ready or I will be pissed. I will have to go twice to the pharmacy to get it squared away. I am almost done with my current script so I need it filled like today. I am so aggravated that this is taking so damn long.
I wish I was more talkative during therapy but there wasn’t things I wanted to discuss. She tried getting me to talk about my feelings but it was hard as I wasn’t feeling them at the time. We talked about ways of coping with the feelings when they came up. I said I would write or color and she wanted something more but I didn’t have any ideas. I should have said music as that is my go to when I am upset. I have been playing a lot of Mary Chapin to calm down. It is just soothing music. I can’t wait till her new album comes out. I am not sure when it will given the present circumstances. This virus is taking a toll on every thing. I am feeling so cooped up and want to go out to go to Starbucks but I can’t because I don’t even know if they are open. I wouldn’t want to take public transportation now anyway. The city I live in just called for mandatory masks when out in public. I think that is a good idea. It will be a $300 fine if you don’t have one. Yikes! I am glad my sister gave me one because I misplaced the one I had. I had bought a few that are washable. I think they are coming from China so I probably won’t get them till next month.
I got a new book today called Untamed. I am not sure what it is about but I heard it was good. I plan on reading it after I finish the Neil Gaiman book that I am reading, whenever that is. I haven’t been good with reading lately. I have the time but I mostly just end up on social media and my time flies. If I don’t make the time to read, I don’t. The book that I am reading is getting weird so I am not sure I want to continue with it. I love Gaiman but his book are creepy at times. The images he conjures up are sometimes startling. I never forgot reading American Gods and how a woman god was turned into hamburger by being run over repeatedly. Freaky and I read this book like 3 years ago.
I should shower and shave. I might do that tomorrow. It is supposed to be a little warmer. But it is going to be a wet week. UGH. I know we need the rain but sucks the weather being cold. Just glad it isn’t snowing.
This song is by Luke Combs, one of my favorite new artists. He seems to capture the mood perfectly with this beautiful song in these times. Thought I would share it with you all.
I haven’t done much today. I have been resting and started a new book, well, an old book that I am rereading as I never finished it. It is called the Anatomy of Melancholy by Robert Burton. It is a classic text. It is old English and has a lot of Latin in it that is sometimes translated and sometimes now, which is annoying. I hate when people use Latin thinking people know it when they don’t. Drives me crazy.
Weather is cold and wet. Had to close my window as temps in my room dropped below 60 degrees and rain started to come through the window. Hated to close it but it was damn cold. Now it is a little warmer in my room but not too warm. Temps are just above 60. I had to put on thermal socks because my damn foot got really cold. With the steroids, I haven’t been in too much pain. I have one more day of being on them and then I know pain will be back. Shame that they can’t be used as a treatment for CRPS. It really helps calm down things.
My mother made dinner and that has been the second thing I had to eat today. My appetite has been low despite the meds. I am surprised I don’t have the hungry horrors. Back has been bothering me all day and I’ve just been feeling low. I am kind of nervous as to what the MRI will show. I hope I don’t have to have surgery again. That will really suck. I really want to keep PT at home as that has been helping me the most. I haven’t done the home exercises because I get around okay but it is good to have someone do them with me while they are here.
I am glad I have this blog to write my thoughts down. Sometimes it is a good thing and other times it can be bad, the thoughts I mean. I haven’t been in a dark, dark mood in a while. If I have it hasn’t been for long, thank goodness. I still get depressed but not suicidal. It is weird not being suicidal. I am grateful I am not but man, this is so new to me, after spending a year or more with constant suicidal thoughts. It was so overwhelming I thought I was going crazy at times. I don’t know what changed this. But I am glad it has changed. I didn’t think it would. Guess that shows that no matter how low you feel, you don’t feel that way forever, even if it feels like forever. Just takes some blessed time. I think I was suicidal for at least two years or so. Since my surgery, I haven’t been as depressed or suicidal. The voices have been quiet. I just been hearing my “normal” voices, the ones I hear nearly every day. I am on a high dose of paliperidone (Invega) now because I was hearing musical hallucinations. My psychopharm is aggressive with the voices. She has been from the get go. She also is aggressive with my depression. I find it a weird change as my psych was so conservative with meds. We would always be on the lowest dose possible to achieve effectiveness but there really wasn’t any scale or something we would go by. Just seemed like I had to wing things a lot. With the new psychopharm, I don’t have to wing it. I get treated for my illness with the hope that I will feel better. It has worked so far. I started to feel better after my suicide attempt in December. Weird how that played out. I still asked my treaters to ask about my suicidal stuff because of the one medication that I find lethal to me. They haven’t asked about it in weeks since my surgery and I haven’t felt suicidal so I haven’t brought it up. I probably won’t, given the circumstances. I really don’t want another hospitalization this year or ever after the last one. It was such a bad place to be in when you are so depressed and want to die but they won’t let you. I am not sure how the units will be now with the virus. I hear that they haven’t done social distancing or any other practice since it kind of negates wellness. I am sure it is hard to do when in an inpatient setting. But I am not feeling that down to think about hospitals right now. Hopefully I won’t have to go in any time soon.
I have my appointment with my therapist tomorrow morning and I hope that I can get up early to make coffee or tea. I need to wake up for the meeting because lately I have been so sleepy. I then go back to sleep afterwards. It just wears me out. But then a lot of stuff wears me out these days. I hate it. Just going up the stairs winds me every time. It is getting better though. I am not so winded unless I do both sets of stairs within a few minutes of each other. Then I am really winded. I need to go to the pharmacy tomorrow so if my meds are ready after the appointment I will pick them up. They are supposed to be ready tomorrow. The pharmacy has been a little screwy the past few days. I don’t know if it has been because of new staff or what but they have been slow as molasses getting things done. I had to wait for a three hours for meds one day because they screwed up the original order. They processed it under the wrong medication! I was not happy and complained about it because they should fucking read what the damn thing says. Makes me so angry. There is a difference between IR and ER. And it is in black and white so there shouldn’t be a mistake.
Wind is howling. I hope it doesn’t snow tonight. We certainly don’t need it!
I am really pissed off that there are places where the government is opening up beaches and other places without a clear indication that it is safe to do so. Florida, the state of the stupid, seems to not care about the welfare of the people at all. I know we are all a little crazy being kept in our homes but it is far safer to be there than outside where you could catch something and pass it on to unsuspecting people who are sick. I also cannot believe the doofus is still in office despite being impeached. What is the point of going through an impeachment process if they don’t oust the person sitting in office? Fuck. And this idiot blundered this virus so badly. I am at a loss for words. Do me a favor, Stay the fuck at home!
I have been having bladder spasms and pain all afternoon. I don’t know why. I don’t think I have an infection. But then I have been wrong before. Only problem is I don’t want to go into the hospital just to drop off a specimen again, especially as the cases of the virus have gone up. I am still compromised as I am recovering from surgery so would be more susceptible to it if I were exposed. I might have to go up on my bladder spasm medication. If it doesn’t stop by the time I go to bed, I will send my uro a message asking her what to do about it. I really don’t want to increase it because it causes constipation and I am just now becoming regular without having to take Miralax all the time. I think the Senna and magnesium have done the trick for me. I don’t want to upset the balance. I have no idea what is causing me to have this balance but I know that if I add more constipating medication I am going to disrupt it.
I had therapy this morning. We talked about being on pain meds and what it means for me. She wants me to take them when I need them and I guess that is the “permission” I need. There is nothing wrong with taking my pain meds but there is if I don’t take them when I need them. I don’t know why the pharmacy didn’t fill the prescription today. I will find out tomorrow and file a complaint because it should have been filled. There is no reason why it shouldn’t, unless they didn’t have the medication in stock. I won’t be getting a 30 day supply. I will be getting a 28 day supply, which always messes me up as to when I can get my meds filled again. I don’t have to worry about it until I get the damn thing filled and then I will put the refill thing on my calendar to remind myself so this doesn’t happen again.
I got the window open and it is cold in my room. Temp right now is 67 degrees. It was 66 earlier. I shut off the fan so maybe it will warm up. My cousin, the one whose boiler broke, is still broken and she is without heat until her son can get the part to fix it. I feel bad for her and her husband who is in the cold. But they have their wooden stove so she assures me she is ok. I still worry. It is supposed to rain tomorrow, which is probably why my back is so bad today. I am keeping the window open as long as there isn’t wind, I should be okay with it. If there is wind I am going to have to shut it. I don’t want water in my room.
midnightdemons7 
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