Tag: chronic illness

Appts for the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Appts for the day

I got about 2.5 hours of sleep. I was up till around 5 because my pain was bad. I made it to starbucks for espresso and then left to go to the registration department at my hospital to change my name. It took about 5 minutes to do as I was the only person there. When I got to my psych’s office, I had them print me an extra label so I could take a pic of it but they cut off my last name when they ripped it from the machine. Oh well. My psych took me early, which was good. She usually runs late. She signed the paperwork for the RMV and we talked about the hospitalization not being helpful. I also told her the Zoloft was making me nauseous. We agreed to decrease it to 25 mg and if it still was making me sick, I could stop it.

While I was meeting with her, my PT called and left a message. I emailed her. She told me that I could go through some pain program and sent me information on it. She said that I needed to be cleared before going back to PT and I am not sure why that is as this was a psych admission not a medical one. Even when I tried to make an appt with my PCP’s office they had no idea what I was talking about. I emailed her again for clarification. I made an appt with her for next week, which I hope I can keep.

After my psych appt, I went into Boston to find the RMV. I am so glad it is around the corner from the train station. I will go there Wed. After finding it, I came home and wanted to rest for a bit before leaving for my therapy appt but my ankle acted up and I was not able to rest. I made some tea and then went to the bus stop to catch the bus.

Therapy went okay, though I need some time processing it. He got shrinky on me as before we ended he said that my “mommy and daddy issues were the real issues not my current ones”. Basically, because I haven’t dealt with my parents’ rejection and neglect, they were causing my problems, not my physical pain and suicidality. Whatever. I’ll write a blog on that once I think more about it. I am too tired.

On the way home, my ex-ex-girlfriend texted me and then “took a nap”. She does this to me all the fucking time and I am sick of it. She asked how I was doing and I didn’t answer her. I told her I was going to bed and then she said that I “ignored her for two days”. Um, text works both ways. I didn’t hear from her either. I was in bed sleeping most of the last two days. Kind of hard to text someone when you are sleeping all day. Then she called me a freak and that I was free to delete her. I blocked her number and then blocked her on Facebook. Fuck her. I don’t need drama in my life.

Went upstairs to my room and my bones in my ankle and foot flared up. I so want to fucking sleep!!!! I was in the boot for most of the day. Hope my night meds knock me out. Day 3 of supplement and haven’t noticed anything except my appetite seems to be low. I am eating but only 1 to 2 meals a day. I made an egg and cheese burrito and then had cereal when I came home from therapy. I was going to make hot dogs but didn’t feel like making them. I haven’t lost anything yet but I am only weighing myself weekly. I really just want to lose the belly fat but don’t know if that is possible. Still have 27 days on the stuff so only time will tell.

Finally some concrete answers

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Finally some concrete answers!!

Before going to bed last night, I emailed my neurologist that I went for the bone scan so that he would know and then get back to me about what the treatment was going to be moving forward. Late this morning he responded and said the scan showed I did have some bone changes and clinically I do have CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome). He wanted me to go on some anti-convulsant but I briefly looked into it and it has a lot of nasty side effects, which doesn’t appeal to me. He is going to discuss it with my psychiatrist and see what she has to say. I emailed her to tell her he would be in touch but I am not thrilled to go on this medication. It’s new and most likely will cost me some big bucks come the new year. But we’ll see. I finally have a concrete diagnosis.

This morning was a fucking joke. My alarm went off and I should have put it on snooze but I turned it off. Unfortunately, I went back to sleep for an hour, waking up to some text messages. I had just enough time to try and catch the 7 am bus but just as I was approaching the corner, it drove by. I had to wait for the next one at 0725 but it never showed up. It was freezing out and I didn’t wear my jacket. By the time the bus to the Square came, I was running late to see my psychiatrist. I just ordered espresso from Starbucks and a donut and then made my way to the train station. I got to the Station when my psych called me to say she was stuck in traffic on the highway. She hasn’t moved in at least 10 minutes. Yikes! We rescheduled and I caught the bus home, with the intention of going back to bed.

It was really cold in my room so I shut the window part that I opened. I took my pain and blood pressure meds. I also started with the new weight loss pill. I plan on taking it in the morning in case it makes me jittery. I tried going to sleep but I couldn’t so I played with my phone. I decided to take the AC out of the window and then try again for sleep. I opened the window to take the AC out and it almost fell out! Crap! I couldn’t lift it to bring it inside. Somehow I did, at the cost of breaking my screen. It flew out of the window but that can be easily replaced. If the AC fell, it would have wrecked the roof and porch below. I went downstairs to retrieve the screen outside. I also told my mother what happened and that I finally have a diagnosis.

I played with my phone some more and then I was getting sleepy so laid down. I don’t know what the fuck I did but my ankle didn’t like it. I screamed. Then I turned over to take the strong pain meds and it hurt more. I was in complete agony. It was easily a 14/10. I just wanted to die. I started getting a pain anxiety and feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I took my meds and an Ativan. I tried distraction but it was so hard. I just laid there moaning. Then my mother called to ask if I could go downstairs to bring up her gallon of wine. I told her I was in a flare and couldn’t move. Someone stole it by the time she came home. I feel bad.

Finally the meds kicked in and I was able to sleep for a few hours. I felt better but I was still in a lot of pain, not as much as I was but say a 10 instead of a 14. I had to use the bathroom so had to get up. That was torture. I used the cane to get around because I didn’t have time to put the boot on. It was really hot in my room as my mother turned up the heat. I was sweating. She was making dinner so I had something to eat and then I went back up to my room with the mail. When I came up to my room, I opened the window and turned on the ceiling fan. The ceiling fan started making some noises that were annoying me so I turned it off. I asked my brother in law to come look at it when he got home from work. I hope it’s fixable. I also asked my mother to lower the heat. Hopefully my room cools down. I fucking hate the heat!!! And my room has two settings, unbearably hot and freezing cold. I rather be cold because I can put on layers and snuggle under the blanket.

Black Daily Word Prompt 12 Nov

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Black (Daily Word Prompt 12-Nov)

I love the song Black by Pearl Jam so the Word Prompt was perfect.

I woke up early after going to bed late due to pain. I slept until around 2 when I went back to sleep. I didn’t feel like going out to do one errand. I’ll do it tomorrow. I thought I had PT but it’s not on my appointment list. No point in showing up just for them to tell me to go home. I cancelled next week because I got to go to the Registry to renew my license and change my gender. I’ll write up a letter and send it to my psychiatrist for her to sign. I’ll bring a copy of it just in case it gets lost in her email. I’ve been getting conflicting information so I’ll have both with me plus the legal document for the name change. I don’t have my gender changed on my birth certificate. That you can only do once you are surgically altered to be the sex you want to be. It also cost money, which I don’t have. When I have the top surgery, then I will worry about it.

I got a call from radiology for my bone scan. It was to remind me I have an appointment Thursday and also that the test takes fricken 5 hours. I’ll be bringing my Kindle and maybe a book. Hopefully I can go to Starbucks for coffee. It’s going to be a long day. I then have to see my psychiatrist the next day, early in the morning. I will have everything in my bag so I don’t forget anything as I won’t be coherent enough to remember shit at that hour.

Foot is acting up. I hate it when my bones hurt. That is worse than my “regular” pain. It’s harder to treat because it is so severe. Luckily, I am due for my pain meds so I just took them. If not, I will take the strong pain pill. Juggling these meds is a joke. Last night my foot and ankle were lighting up like a Christmas tree so I was up half the night. Going to be interesting to see when I have the sleep study if I will be able to sleep and if not, take my pain meds if I am in a flare. I’ll bring them with me, just in case. Night time is always bad for me. I just hope I can get a ride there so I don’t have to walk from the T station. It’s farther walk than the hospital I get my care at.

My UK royalties came in today, after waiting all year. A whopping $9. I can get a sandwich and a coffee at Starbucks, lol. I like that I am an international author but the payments for royalties other than USD takes forever to process because they have to be in USD or the bank rejects the deposit. There is nothing I can do about it as it is a foreign currency issue.

Tomorrow I need to go to the grocery store as fresh cranberries are on sale. I want to make my Nantucket cranberry cake for Thanksgiving next week. I want to make a gluten free one for my sister’s mother in law as she has celiac. Hopefully it will come out okay. I’ll use the throw away pans that I bought. My mother wants me to buy some bacon as well as it is on sale. That is the only time my mother buys bacon. She likes the hickory smoked kind and I like the maple, though I really don’t care. Bacon is bacon. She will eat it as well.

Last night I was scrolling through Instagram and an ad popped up for some weight loss thing. It was a free trial so I am going to try it and see if I can lose some weight. You take it once a day, though I am not sure if it is a powder or a pill. I’m kind of stuck in that I can’t exercise so if this works and I lose at least 20 pounds or more, I will be happy. I just hope I don’t lose my kidneys or liver in the process. That is always my fear with these diet things. They say that it was on Dr. Oz so I am going with that.

Today’s flare up brought to you by taking off a sock

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Today’s flare up brought to you by taking off a sock

I was out of the house around 1140. As I was walking to the bus stop, my nephew was coming up the street. He was going to Walgreens. He offered me a ride rather than taking the bus but I said I would wait for the bus. He went and when he came back, I was still waiting for the bus. He really wanted to give me a ride so I took him up on it. It was faster than waiting for the stupid bus.

I went to Starbucks and got an eggnog latte with no nutmeg and a turkey bacon sandwich. The barista added the nutmeg. I was not happy but I drank it anyway. After I was done and wrote for a bit, I decided to go to the bank to make sure my name was right as I had received a letter with my birth name. The said everything was changed over so it might have just been a glitch.

I then went to the Sprint store to change my name. This is the 2nd attempt I made to do this. The first time I called, I was told that I had to change ownership. Then I looked at the website and it said I just needed to bring the legal document to a store and they could change it. I got to the store and the guy was telling me that I needed my changed license to change my name. Are you fucking kidding me?? I was so fucking annoyed. So after I get my name changed at the RMV next week and then get my actual license in about 10 days from then, I will go back to that jerk and have them change my name. What a waste of fucking time.

I had like 3 hours to go before my therapy appt. I rode the trains until it was time for me to get off at the stop to walk to my therapist’s office. It was a good session. I spent a good deal talking about being in the hospital and he wanted to know what was up with my ankle/foot. I explained it best I could and what would happen moving forward, which still looks bleak to me. I was able to move the bone scan to this Thursday. I don’t know how long it takes to interpret the results so I am hoping to have some answers soon or at least know what the treatment is.

Pain wise I was doing okay. On the way home, I stopped at Walgreens to pick up some more Neurontin. Apparently, I still had a bottle from last month that never got used, yet. I’m not worried about it because I am not paying copays at this time so the more I have the better. I plan on getting a refill next month, too, and then I will be set for a few months. I had dinner and then went up to my room. I got undressed to put my PJs on. I took off my socks, and when I took it off on my bad foot, it flared up. So now I am in a LOT of fucking pain because the elastic irritated my foot. I took it off as slow as possible to avoid it but obviously, my ankle/foot didn’t care.

While I was riding the trains, I thought about going back to the hospital, not to torture myself, but to try and see if staying a little longer helps decrease the amount of suicidal feelings I have. I kind of got overloaded last night when I was in a flare and didn’t go to sleep till around 0330. I just wanted to fucking die and started making plans again. Now I am in another damn flare and I want to fucking die. I just used an ice pack on the back of my head and neck to distract me but I am cold so it didn’t stay very long. I got to get up soon to take my night meds. Not looking forward to that.