Tag: chronic illness

trying something different

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Trying something different

I woke up in pain again around 0630. I took some pain meds and so far, I don’t seem to be needing anymore for the time being. I went back to sleep a few hours later. When I got up, I decided I was going to try the liquid protein diet again. So I had a drink and then made coffee. The coffee came out a little weak because I put too much water. I hate when I do that. I am going to try and stick with this diet. If I can make it all week on it, I will try it next week or until I run out of protein drinks. I have gained four pounds so I am hoping to lose that and a little more. It is hard to lose but I hope I can stay on this course. It’s my second attempt at this as the first time didn’t work out as well.

Allergies are really bad today. I am congested and sneezing a lot. I am going to try and work on my paper. I am going to try and read it and see what information I can pull from it. The one piece of information I was waiting on from the author of the paper wrote back to me so I will include that in my analysis.

It’s another nice day. I opened the back door. My mother needs to have the screen doors repaired as they are getting more patched up than screened. Every time it rains, the patches blow away as they are just stuck on with tape-like thing.

I got my favorite country radio station playing on my Kindle. I really want to go back to sleep but I am going to try and avoid it. I need to write like a bullet point for this blog and then write up some things that I want to work on with my therapist. I was thinking of them last night as I was drifting off to sleep. There are about three or four things I really want to work on. I am kind of scared because I am not used to asking what I want from therapy. I just expect the therapist to know after I talk for a little bit. But the last few sessions haven’t left me feeling like anything is happening other than me rattling off my history and how bad my childhood was.

My new Depends underwear came in so I will start wearing them tomorrow. I got a couple samples in the package with a coupon. I’ll take a shower tonight. I just hope they fit me. I have a huge package so if they don’t fit, I am screwed. I hate that it has come to this. I have stopped one of my medications. I am not taking it this week and see how my bladder does.

my thoughts however disturbing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My thoughts however disturbing

I didn’t talk about the politics that has happened yesterday. I don’t think it affected me, yet. I am hoping my state is immune because we have our own way of doing healthcare but I don’t know if the new Trumpcare will force them across the board or what will happen. It still has a few steps to go through before being signed by Cheeto.

But it has me worried none the less. If reproductive contraceptives are affected, I will no longer get my hormones free. I don’t know how much they will cost. A friend that has gone through the gender clinic who has mental problems like I do, was not able to get testosterone because she/he was not stable enough. I worry with my suicidality if the same will be my fate if I am no longer to get the contraception hormones to stop my menses. I will become suicidal again and it won’t be pretty.

I will be stuck and feel trapped. It won’t be a good feeling and because I have a bunch of pre-existing conditions, I don’t know if I will get my medication that I need to keep me alive and somewhat functioning. My blood pressure will go up to stroke like conditions. My migraines will come back and between that and the chronic pain that I have, I doubt I will be able to take the pain in my head as well.

The pain in my ankle has returned. Not with a vengeance but as I climbed out of bed for dinner, the sheet irritated my big toe and by the time I went downstairs, the pain came back. I feel like I should just end my life because what is my life worth to the republican party. They want to weed out people like me that is costing the insurance companies millions in doctors visits and medications every year. Hell, just therapy alone cost me $15,000 in insurance. I just don’t feel worthy to live anyway. I am sure I am not the only mental health person in America that feels this way right now. To some congressmen, transgender people are a “disease”. I am sure they will love for me to be wiped out by suicide.

We’ll see how this plays out before I make plans to end my life. I hope the Senate doesn’t let this bill pass or that the lousy VP doesn’t break a tie because we all know which direction it will go. America will be lost, more so than it already is thanks to Cheeto and his cronies.

I feel ugly

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I feel ugly

I haven’t been feeling right the past few days. I feel ugly, sad, depressed, out of sorts. At times I want to end my life very bad but somehow I just keep plugging along. I am thinking of going into the hospital and anyone that knows me, knows this isn’t a light decision. I hate going in the hospital and will only go as my last, very last, resort. I just think it might be an option to keep me safe for a few days or a week or until they piss me off and I want to leave.

I woke up about an hour or so ago because my bladder woke me up. I had several messages on my phone. I took my pain meds and went to the bathroom. I didn’t feel like clearing the messages. When I came back to my room, I looked over the messages. I had one from a friend, saying she had been in a car accident. No other information was given. I hate when people do that. Just pisses me off.

I feel no one cares about me. I know there are people that do but it’s like I have this shield around me and I just can’t feel it. I feel like they would be better off without me in their lives. It’s like I am just a hassle for them and I just bring them down all the time. I am tired of feeling like everyone’s go to person and then when I need support, I don’t get it or people just freak out because I do need support. I feel like I am just better off not asking people for help.

My ankle/foot is bothering me. I just took a strong pain pill because the regular pills aren’t working. Pain is just too severe. I am tired and want to go back to sleep but my thoughts are milling around. And I got a fricken Toby Keith song stuck in my head the last few days on repeat. He had posted the lyrics to the song on his Twitter account and I had to listen to the song. Now I regret it. I don’t know why some songs stay in my head long after I listen to them and other times they don’t. The song is really loud tonight and I don’t know why. I wish I had a pause button or some other kind of volume control.

fricken frustrated about things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Fricken frustrated about things

I know I kind of did a lot today. My pain levels were up and I took meds to bring them down. Then I got up to get something and when I went back into bed, my pain shot up again. Now I am having nerve pain. I am so damn sick of being in pain all the damn time.

I was writing to a friend today about how things have been for me the past few months since the cops showed up at my house and how my blogs have basically not been the same. My writing has changed to not be so suicidal and to be honest about my true dark feelings. That I keep for my journal. I have to write and blogging was an outlet for me but some jerk ruined the experience for me. I still don’t know who that person was or how they found out where I lived.

I am just so frustrated by being depressed all the time and not getting relief from it and then add in chronic pain and it’s a recipe for disaster. Yet some how I am still here despite not wanting to be. I must have thought a half a million times tonight alone that I should just end my life. But I can’t do that to my psych. We are coming up to almost 25 years of working together.

The friend that I mentioned earlier wanted me to enter a writing contest for the organization I once belonged to. I told her that I did but didn’t win the first year they had the award. I had written about my experience of being suicidal because of being transgender. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I came to the realization that at least 85% of my suicidality was because I was in the wrong body. It took me another year or two to put together that having menses really fucked with me and caused instantaneous suicidal impulses. Once my menses stopped, I no longer have that great suicidal urge once a month. It sucks that I have to take female hormones to stop my menses but it is what it is, for right now.

The only thing stopping me from becoming a man is my mother. She will not understand it at all and the rejection would kill me. I would die as her daughter rather than her son. I do hope to change my name legally sometime this year. It’s something I wanted to do last year but something came up and I was not able to go ahead with it. It also is a lot of money that I need to save up for. I am hoping that one of my paychecks once I get caught up on bills I will be able to go to the court and file the paperwork needed to do it. This is something I have been dreaming about for years. I have always, always, hated my birth name. Course there have been different names that I have wanted. Alex and Mike have been the few names that I thought I wanted but I got used to people calling me G or GC so decided to stick with those lines. I still have not decided, fully, which of those initials to go with. It’s hard.