Tag: chronic illness

Anxiety, pain, and PTSD. What a mix

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, CES, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, PTSD

I am having moving pain, going up half way my leg and back down to the bones in my foot. I’m kind of freaking out because my nerve injury started that way. It is setting off PTSD for me. Have had nightmares all night so not sleeping well. Took some ativan, neurontin and fiber because my bowels are stuck again. I am fearful of what is going to happen when I change my meds. PT said take the laxatives before dose. Great. Also if pain doc for some reason doesn’t prescribe me my meds, I am screwed. I need a refill of meds this week and don’t see him till late Friday afternoon. Emailed my pcp this concern. I don’t want to be out of meds on a weekend. Just a little more anxiety this week.

I went to PT yesterday. She said I have one of two muscles pulled that affect the groin but not sure which one. The good news it is not coming from my back and I don’t have bursitis or arthritis in my hip. If I did, she would send me back to my doc.

It was good seeing her. She is still recovering from a little major surgery. A muscle in her thigh popped out. Yikes! Even while she was examining me, her leg started to fatigue. She had the surgery last month. I feel for her.

Because it was my groin, she started moving her hand feeling about and when she got to a certain point, I started to get uncomfortable because of my sexual abuse history. I felt uncomfortable telling her but she quickly stopped and I was grateful. That area has always made me tense, even with female doctors. I didn’t see my male pcp on this issue because I didn’t want him touching me there. I know they need to and they are professionals so aren’t going to hurt me but it still makes me uncomfortable and tense.

I didn’t write a blog yesterday because I couldn’t think of a title. That is usually the first order of business. Then I can write. I had stuff to talk about but without a title, I couldn’t write. I tried for 2 hours and then gave up.

Most of the night, I’ve been having nightmares. I don’t know why. I am not prone to them. Usually i just have weird or bad dreams but nothing that wakes me feeling scared and have to turn on the light to know it was a dream. Just felt like people we out to get me. I am sure the anxiety i am having this week hasn’t helped.

Not sure what I’ll be doing today. Probably sleeping but I’ve been up since 330 and despite taking my meds, I don’t feel tired 2 hours later. I had a fluffernutter. It is a sandwich made with peanut butter and Fluff, a marshmallow spread. It is a New England staple as Fluff was invented in a town nearby Boston. They recently celebrated the 100 year Anniversary of the patent being sold to a factory in Lynn, which is north of Boston.

My ankle bone is being hammered like it was when I woke up two hours ago. Guess I’ll have to add the strong pain pill to the mix. I hate bone pain more than any other CRPS pain.

feeling low and other thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling low and other thoughts

My mood tanked big time today and I don’t know why. I had massive psychache followed by increased suicidal thoughts, which appeared totally out of the blue. I posted them on Twitter as I was just fed up with it. Next thing I know, Twitter sends me an email saying someone reported me out of concern for my safety. WTF. I have no idea who did it but I wrote a tweet to stay off my timeline. Don’t know if that will be effective but at least it is out there.

I don’t understand why talking about being depressed and suicidal without intent is troubling to other people. Maybe I am jaded to it. I could see if I posted ya, I am suicidal and I just took x amount of pills, good bye. But I didn’t. If you read the thread, you can see it was just out of frustration I was writing. I was fearful my account would be suspended but it wasn’t, thank god. I have heard people getting suspended for posting their thoughts when they were not going to act. I understand why people react that way but it still is aggravating to deal with and I think shuts people down so they don’t have a voice online to say what they feel, especially those with mental illness.

I watched a movie and my mood got a little better. All over Twitter there were reports of a kidnapping of a 7 month old baby taken at knife point. That and of course the orange buffoon because he can’t shut his trap for one day. Now he wants to pardon himself. Idiot. If he didn’t do anything wrong, why would there be reason to pardon himself?? I am NOT saying by any means he is innocent but that just screams guilty to me. Mueller needs to hurry the fuck up.

I didn’t do anything today. I thought about going to Walgreens to get my prescription but I just couldn’t bother. I didn’t want to go out in the rain. The temps have been really cool today. I took my night meds early because I kept cramping between my back and ankle. I didn’t want to take 2 mg of Ativan so just took my meds early. There is no Sox game tonight as they are off. Around 4 I was looking at my Twitter timeline trying to find the lineup when I realized they were off.

I finally finished 1984 today. The last 6% was all bullshit or short stories of other stuff the author wrote. That bugs me because I don’t care. When the author says “The End” that should be it!! I am going to try and read Brother Karamazov now. I have about 200 pages or so. Should be fun. I was hoping to get some reading done this weekend but it never happened because of pain.

Sunday sauce (gravy) making

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday sauce (gravy) making

I forgot I ordered meatballs with my grocery order. I haven’t had pasta and meatballs in a long time. My mother has not made a gravy since she doesn’t have meat. Or she might have it but needs hamburger to make meatballs. Anyway, I decided to make gravy today. I am wiped out. The humidity finally went down by 30 points so it’s back to being cool. I feel cold and might put on a long sleeve shirt soon.

Feet were cold in the kitchen so I put a compression sock on my bad foot and a regular sock on my regular one. My ankle is still painfully swollen. Being on my feet cooking didn’t help. I watched the Golden Girls while the gravy cooked. It cooked pretty fast, within two hours. I wanted to rest a bit before I made the pasta.

My mother went over my cousin’s house so I will just be having dinner by myself. I’ll probably make the pasta in an hour or so. I thought of having spaghetti but now I am thinking of rigatoni so I will flip for it when I go downstairs. I had a few meatballs, just to make sure they were good, LOL. I love meatballs. It is my favorite in a gravy. I am glad I have rolls as I can make a sub.

My cheap massagers came. I need to go downstairs to get them. Of course they came within minutes of me sitting in my room. Never fails. I hope they work out the knots in my legs. I need to use the tennis ball for my back. Last night my back was hurting me so bad from the spine going out toward my hip. The muscles were so sore. I know it is because of the stupid temp changes. Going from 80 to 57 is painful when you got arthritis and chronic pain.

Sox won last night. They came back in superb fashion, with dingers!! I am glad. I found out how the percentage is calculated. Because the stupid snakes have played less games than the Sox, that is why their percentage is higher than ours, making them look like they are in first but they are really a game and half behind, which makes no sense as they have played five less games than them. Irritating!! They should be 5.5 games behind but I don’t make the rules. Final game with Houston is tonight. I am glad they are playing at 7. They are off tomorrow and then will be back in Boston to play the Tigers.

I ended up canceling therapy tomorrow. I don’t know if I will be able to continue to go weekly. Lately, it has been every other week. It sucks but there is nothing I can do about it as my flares have been awful lately. Maybe when my pain med changes I can do more things. I talked with a friend who is on the med and he said expect to be sick the first 2-3 days. Lovely. He has been on the same dose for 15 years and it works for him. I just hope I don’t have any problems filling it.

slow moving saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Slow moving Saturday

Last night, I said to myself, I will take my night meds after I publish my blog. I have been doing it the last few nights as I have been writing my blog around med time. But for some reason, it completely slipped my mind. And hour and a half later, I realize I hadn’t taken my meds yet because I was feeling icky. I knew I was going to be up late because of it. Around midnight, a friend was having a hard time and needed someone to talk to so she called me. We talked for 2 hours. Just as I was ready to drift off, my ankle bone flares up. I didn’t go to sleep for another hour as I was trying to get comfortable.

My med alarm went off and I shut it off but didn’t take my med. Then my alarm went off as my groceries were going to be delivered and I wanted to have breakfast before it came. I took my meds but stayed in bed. I didn’t really sleep, I was just so exhausted. I checked the time the groceries were going to be delivered and it was quarter past ten. I must have dozed off but heard my text message and it was 1015. Crap. I went downstairs. I put the phone in my pocket and then when I got to the second flight, I adjust my pants as they were falling down. My phone promptly fell out of my pocket and down the entire flight of stairs. It alarmed my mother and I said my phone fell. Thankfully the Otterbox saved my phone as I am sure it would have been shattered otherwise.

I went outside. It was still hot and humid but a little cooler than yesterday, but not by much. I waited for the delivery and then when he came, showed him where to drop off the stuff. I put the stuff away as he dropped the bags until he was done. Took him three trips. I didn’t realize I ordered so much powerade and Gatorade. I also ordered a bunch of other stuff. Fricken painsomnia shopping. I put things away and was sweating my ass off as the house was warmer than outside. After everything was put away, I took a shower. I didn’t get dressed because of the humidity. I just wrapped a towel around me and went to cool off in my room. Then once I was cool, I dressed. I didn’t put on long PJs, just shorts.

I then had something to eat. I thought about having coffee but I really didn’t feel like making it. I made a fried egg and toast. I also had a donut. I had bought some Starbucks coffee drinks so I had one with the donut. Something upset my stomach. I think I used too much black pepper on my egg. I think I got to cut down on using it. I love black pepper but apparently, my stomach doesn’t. I went back up to my room and took my meds. I have been taking one of my bipolar pills and allegra. It seems to be cutting down on the dizziness I feel around 1800. Trouble is it makes me sleepy. I put on Phil Collins. He just came out with a new album and it brought back a lot of memories. At least two songs, which I haven’t heard in years, made me cry with happiness. I needed a nap and so laid down. Of course, my mother called me just as I was dozing off. I didn’t answer the phone. I slept a few hours. Rain was beating on the AC and it woke me up. I just stay in bed for another hour. When I finally decided to get up, I called my mother to find out what she wanted. It was something stupid so I was glad I didn’t answer the phone. My stomachache had gotten worse so I took some Mylanta. I was hungry but didn’t know if I should make the steak or not. I had it marinating for at least 5 hours. It was so hot in the house because my mother had closed the kitchen door due to the rain.

I am debating listening to the game tonight. They lost last night. Sale was sucky. And then the bullpen really made it so the Sox couldn’t catch up in the bottom of the 8th inning. UGH. They are twenty games over 500 and even though the Snakes are half a game behind, they look like they are in 1st because of their percentage. UGH. Not happy about this. Hate it!!