Tag: chronic illness

Wake and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wake and other things

My foot and ankle were hurting me all day with bone crushing pain. I didn’t think I would be able to go to my uncle’s wake. I tried to rest but it wasn’t happening. My mother still wasn’t feeling well so I made her lunch and then cleaned up afterwards. I also took out the trash and recycles. I somehow managed to find a long sleeved shirt and I found a tie to go with it. It was kind of tight but it worked.

The wake went as well as can be. Only thing that absolutely sucked was seeing my pedophile cousin who had abused me. He kept on telling everyone I wrote a book and he read it. Whatever. Then my cousin-in-law came up to me to talk to me about the book and I wanted disappear forever to get away from him. I cannot stand him. He kept hitting my back, which was already hurting me. I gave him the information that he wanted and then, thankfully, he found someone else to talk to.

After the wake, a few of my cousins, sisters, and nieces went to have something to eat. I had what my sister was having, grilled shrimp and mashed potatoes. Unfortunately, I had a reaction of some sort to the shrimp as my lip swelled up. It is still swollen. I took a Benadryl to ward off any other reaction. I feel okay. I ordered a whiskey because I felt like it. I didn’t even have half a glass and I got buzzed. I am a lightweight. I hardly drink.

I had wanted to text my therapist about my cousin being at the wake and basically giving me a heart attack in the process but I didn’t. I will tell him when I see him next week. I am glad my cousin’s wife wasn’t there. I couldn’t stand her for sticking up for him and believing him over me or her daughter. I am glad I don’t have to see him again.

I came home and my mother was already in bed. I hope whatever bug she has goes away soon. My ankle and foot are really flared up right now. I hope between the night meds and Benadryl I will sleep soon. Otherwise, it is going to be a long night.

Patriots won!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Patriots won!

The Pats won, 35-14. I am glad that changing my profile pics on Facebook, twitter and IG didn’t jinx them. I was worried because every time I do, usually they lose. But the Titans were not a strong team. I think they lost gas as the game wore on because the first quarter their defense was hard to get through. No sacks though, so that was good. Tomorrow’s games will tell who we will be playing next week.

My foot and ankle are killing me right now and every thing in between. I am so tired but pain is keeping me up. I thought about reading but the chapters are long and I would hate to be in the middle of one then forget where I left off. I like to read a chapter or stop at a gap midway. I will try and read later today. I figure if I read at least two books a month, that is 24 books, which will meet my challenge I have for the year. I really need to set time limits on my social media. Maybe using a timer will help. If anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears.

My sister made chicken cacciatore tonight. It wasn’t good. She used a lot of garlic. I hate garlic. I don’t mind the flavor in stuff but not in cacciatore. My mother doesn’t use it when she makes it. It was okay otherwise. She also made chicken soup. I might have some tomorrow. It’s going to be cold the next few days so it will be nice to have something hot.

While I was watching the game, I looked at the French press to see if the glass was cracked. I kind of noticed the lid was not securely on so that might be the problem. I put water in and it poured from the spout without any problems. So weird.

I have noticed that the past few days, despite my pain being all over the place, my suicidality has not been around. I don’t really know what triggers it or makes me feel so low. I know night time is the worst time for me as my mood dips and I can feel really hopeless. Add severe pain and it is a nice recipe for suicidal thoughts. I think being back on Zoloft has stabilized my mood a little bit. I wish it helped my pain but it that is not it’s function.

I had emailed my PT to ask her about if getting movement back in my ankle is a worthwhile task. She said it was and that more movement helped to decrease CRPS pain. She said she will talk more about it when she sees me next. I was going to do some exercises she gave me today but pain stopped me from doing anything. I will try tomorrow. I just need to get a sheet.

chronic pain equals chronic exhaustion

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Chronic pain equals chronic exhaustion

I was up half the night in pain. When my med alarm went off at 0845, I shut it off and then went back to sleep, without taking my meds. Luckily I woke up an hour later and then took them. I was really tired but I wanted to get my hair cut before I saw my psychiatrist. I went downstairs to use the bathroom and check on my mother. I talked to her till it was time to get dressed and leave for the bus stop. I decided to wear the boot, which was not a wise choice as the snow was melting and there were puddles. By the time I got to the barbershop, I had stepped in a puddle and my foot got cold and wet. I had to buy socks to change.

After I got my haircut, I went to Starbucks. I took a selfie of my new haircut and I looked as tired as I felt. I looked awful. I had a new sandwich, chorizo with egg and cheese. It was spicy, much too hot for me so I won’t order it again. I got a soy latte with 5 shots espresso. It gave me the energy I needed to see my psychiatrist so I wasn’t lifeless. She was running late today so I just played on my phone until she came to get me. We talked about a few things. She wanted to know how I was doing on the Zoloft and I told her okay, so far. I didn’t tell her I gained weight, again. We talked about my uncle’s passing. I didn’t cry like I thought I would. She asked about therapy and I told her that I had a credit with him so will see him for a while. He isn’t a bad therapist, I just feel like I should be getting more from him or maybe I am expecting more and because I am not getting it, I get upset. I told her I will be seeing the LGBT doc next month and hope that my medical/psych issues don’t hinder my transition. She said there will be a center at the hospital opening up but she doesn’t know when that will be. I told her to keep me in the loop as I won’t know otherwise. She said she would. I see her again in three weeks.

I went back to the Square to get the bus home. I thought I missed it but I didn’t. I guess they were running late. Score either way. By this time, my ankle bone was starting to erupt in pain. I had wanted to take a pain pill while waiting for the bus but there was no time as the bus was there. My mother wanted Italian bread so I got off at a stop close to the bakery rather than my regular stop. As usual, there was a customer there and the lady and him were chatting up a storm. Annoys me because I had to wait until their conversation was over before she waited on me. I bought the bread and walked home, carefully to avoid puddles as a light rain had started. There was traffic on the street I had to cross to get to my street. I crossed when the light was red. I saw my cousin as I went up the street. He asked if we were still on for Tuesday night. I said yes, unless that changes with the wake and funeral arrangements for my uncle.

I was really hurting by the time I came home. My ankle was hurting me and my foot was cold from the wet sock. I changed and relaxed a little on my bed. I took some pain meds. I was so tired from all the activity, I wanted to pass out. My mother wasn’t home yet from her doctor’s appointment. I figured she wouldn’t be. My sister called me to tell me of the wake and funeral arrangements. I won’t be having dinner with my cousin. I will be going to the wake but not the funeral. I know I won’t be able to fit into my dress clothes for it. He will be cremated. My sisters are going to my aunt’s house tonight. I would have gone but my pain levels are too high. I also wanted to be home to cook for my mother as I know she would be tired from the appt.

Just making that one meal did me in. I am in so much pain right now, it’s not funny. I am also exhausted. I hate it when pain makes you so exhausted you can’t do anything. I know I did a lot today, between getting my haircut and going to my appt. I really can’t wait till my mother is feeling better so she can go back to her activities. It’s draining me to help her out. I don’t want to do anything tomorrow. I know I will probably be too tired anyways. I just hope I sleep tonight before midnight and pain doesn’t keep me up. I am just fed up with dealing with pain every fucking day. I am tired of the exhaustion and fatigue it gives you. I honestly don’t know how the hell I was able to work close to full time with this much pain. I know I have a high pain tolerance but still. Going from 2 jobs to none in four months still gets me.

ankle throbs yet the heart aches

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ankle throbs yet the heart aches

My ankle and foot are not happy at all tonight. I am still in a lot of pain and now the pain has turned to nerve pain, which means my foot is on fire. I should have taken the gabapentin earlier this evening but thought I would be okay. I should have listened to my gut.

I am feeling hurt by a family member. I have done something nice for this person and I found out tonight that person stabbed me in the back. I don’t know how to deal with it. I just hurt. I know eventually I will get over it but it is painful right now. Sometimes being nice to someone is just the wrong thing to do. I don’t regret doing it but having it thrown in my face, that is just wrong.

I talked with my annoying cousin tonight because I needed to talk to someone about this. He understood and let me vent. He wants me to come over for dinner next week. I hope he doesn’t bail like the last time we tried to have dinner. Only thing is, he lives on the third floor and I would have to climb a lot of stairs. I hope I am not in too much pain. I probably will be as I will be seeing my therapist the day before. I usually have Tuesdays as my rest day. It should be fun though. I don’t know when or where the wake and funeral will be. I don’t know if I will go to the funeral of my uncle. It takes a lot out of me to be sitting and standing. Hopefully it will be local and not too far from where I am. My uncle lived kind of north of Boston, close but hard to get to by public transportation. Actually, I never saw him unless my sister went to their house or I had a car.

I don’t know if pain is going to keep me up all night. I am feeling kind of wired because I am upset over this family member and my mind just keeps going to places. I am not that tired, but more in pain, emotionally and physically. I never thought this particular family member would hurt me so badly. It is a trust that has been broken and I am not sure it can be repaired. Lies are danger weapons. I hate liars with all of my being. My father was a pathological liar so I was hurt often. I always tell the truth no matter how painful it might be. It is just the way that I am. Unfortunately, not everyone is. Just sad when it is a family member you are close to.

I sometimes wish I could blow the fire out with my breath. Unfortunately, that is not how to deal with nerve pain. I had some fun today in my CRPS support group on Facebook. The wonderful leader/creator of the group asked if I would create a post of cuddling stuffed animals or pets after she took down the swear post. I did that this morning. It was awesome seeing everyone’s pets or cuddly stuffed animals. I showed Mary, my stuffed giraffe that I got at the dinner party at my friend’s house where I cooked for them. I then posted a pic of my therapy bears that were at my former therapist’s office. I have been thinking about her a lot as our anniversary of starting and ending was yesterday. It’s been a painful year without her. But I keep having to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault, it was hers and hers alone. She ended it not me. Here are the pics of the bears.

The big bear is Johnny, the little bear on the left is Bucky and the one on the right is Amelia. I love stuffed animals. My first stuffed teddy bear was when I was 12 or 13. His name is Sam and he was my crying bear. Whenever I cried, I held him. He is collecting dust right now by my bed. I remember I washed him and he was damaged from the washer. I was so upset and kept apologizing to him. My mother had to glue his mouth and eye back on him. He lost his stiffness and possibly some stuffing. Took me weeks to get over it. I think he became my crying bear then because I would just cry whenever I held him because I felt bad for hurting him.

I’m going to hold Mary to comfort me tonight. Today has just been a hell of a day.