Tag: chronic pain

daily rambling about nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Daily rambling about nothing

I had a shitty sleep as I was in pain most of the night. The pain kept changing, again. I think I fell asleep around 2 only to wake up around 330. I knew my check had been deposited so I ordered my groceries and paid a couple of bills. Then went back to sleep but it wasn’t restful. I got up around 11 and made a cup of tea. My sister had texted me to see if I would be ready by 1 as her doc called to see if she could come in early. I said sure. I wasn’t that hungry so just had a protein bar with my tea.

My sister came and we drove to Boston at a place I was all too familiar. I wasn’t sure how to get to the building my sister needed to be at because I’ve never driven there, only taken shuttle and walked there. We found it okay and she parked in the garage. The doc was nice and explained things clearly. Like I suspected, she told my sister to try PT to help alleviate her symptoms. My sister and I stopped at the Starbucks before leaving as I needed my espresso. There was a line so while I ordered and waited for the drinks, my sister got the car. On the ride home, I was thankful not to be driving as people were cutting my sister off and not staying in the lanes. I don’t miss driving!

Came home and glad I did as my mother, who had a doc appt and then did grocery shopping, was having a low blood sugar episode. I gave some juice right away. I was hungry so made a sandwich while she had the juice and rested. She was being stubborn about not wanting to eat something because it wasn’t 4 PM yet. No idea why this is the time she has to eat but whatever. My sister came up to drop off the mail and both she and I put the groceries away so my mother didn’t have to. I was trying to kill time but I was getting antsy. It was too early to leave for my therapist’s appt. I was kind of feeling off by then but just attributed it to being tired from not sleeping well.

I left the house around 1730 and then felt really nauseous. I didn’t have any Zofran on me. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the post nasal drip or a migraine coming on. I stopped at Walgreens before going to my therapist’s office for a bottle of Gatorade. Apparently they were 2 for $4 as the cashier was explaining to me. I told her I didn’t want two. She then rang me up. I hate when cashiers do that. If I wanted two, I would have grabbed it. The nausea got worse as I walked to the office building. I had to stop several times to prevent hurling. I really was not feeling great. After therapy, my head exploded. So now I was sick with a migraine. I just wanted to go home and hoped I did so without throwing up.

Every light hurt my eyes. I didn’t have my sunglasses as I forgot them at home. Now I am always going to make sure I carry my migraine pills and Zofran with me. I hope I sleep tonight. My pain isn’t bad. My head hurts more than my ankle/foot at the moment. I have no idea if that will change. It’s always a toss up. Looks like the sub I made when I came home earlier is going to be the only thing I have to eat today. I’m still nauseous so food isn’t that appealing. Maybe when the migraine clears I can eat something. I hope I fall asleep first, though. I am so damn tired.

Will the crushing pain ever stop?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Will the crushing pain ever stop??

I was up all night, again, due to pain. My foot and ankle were playing a game of this part is going to hurt, then this, then that, and then repeat. ALL FUCKING NIGHT! I did what I could to control it but with pain that changes and is intermittent, it is very hard to control. Eventually the Neurontin knocked me out for a few hours. Then I was a hungry beast. I had a burrito followed by the tuna my mother made with some crackers.

I emailed my psychiatrist during the mayhem and she responded. She wanted to know what changed. I said everything is status quo with no help from the pain doc or my PCP so I am done. I am no longer going to try and get a longer acting pain med. I am going to make every damn effort to make sure that when I do die, there isn’t the financial stress of my death. So again, I played with dates and think sometime in June things will end. I just got to find a place to do it. That is a huge thing. But two months is plenty of time, right?

My foot is just being a fucking bastard today. The bones hurt so bad and feel like they are being crushed. It is a constant pain. I took my strong pain pill and an Ativan to try and take a nap but everyone decided to either call or text me at that time. I should have shut the phone off. My mother is planning on going out to the grocery store so she won’t be home for when my niece if off of school. So why you calling me? Call her mother and tell her. She isn’t going to be home either as she has a doc appt and I will be going with her.

My phone decided it was going to update the OS so wiped out all my preferences. Individual text tones are no longer an option. That sucks. It also got rid of my Star Trek ringtones. I can’t seem to get it back after I somehow disabled the sound. The whole setting option has changed. UGH. Then my music was GONE! But luckily, it was only because it wasn’t recognizing the SD card. I had to remove it then reinstall it. I also updated my now spare phone. I then realized that when I changed my niece’s contact information, the number wasn’t in my phone. I just had to call to get the number. Felt weird having to call my number to get my number, lol.

I missed the ball game today. I kind of saw a few tweets that said we scored two runs to take the lead and I don’t know what happened after that. I would have the Red Sox on mobile notifications but they don’t tell me the score during the game and if they do, they use a stupid box around the number so I have no clue what it translates to. It annoys the fuck out of me.

I just put in my refills for my meds for the month. I have four. It would have been five but I don’t have refills left on one. I will pick it up Tuesday as I know the Invega won’t be in stock until then. I was going to shower today but damn foot is a wreck. No way I am standing for 10 minutes just to aggravate the sucker. I’ll be up all night in pain again. Part of the reason my pain was so bad last night was that the barometric pressure was 30.14. Hi pressure equals a lot of pain. I am hoping to have my grocery order in tomorrow. I want to make morning glory muffins. There is a lot of good stuff in it, coconuts, carrots, apples, raisins. I haven’t had this kind of muffin in a long time. I think the coffee shop at work had them every now and then. They were so good and big. I hope my muffins are big. Usually they are small and look like a cupcake. That will be the adventure this week. I’ll try and make them before Easter so we can have dessert. I think my sister will be making a ham. Not sure what my mother is making. I thought she was going to make Pizzelles but she ended up washing clothes instead. Maybe she doesn’t have enough ingredients or something. I don’t know.

Sad Sale Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sad Sale Day

I woke up around 6 with hammering going on in my ankle bone. I took some meds but it took a while for it to settle for me to go back to sleep. I then woke up around 11 with the same hammering. I went downstairs to use the bathroom and brush my teeth. I then heated up a burrito and made a cup of tea. I went up to my room and just read social media until I was out of tea. I wanted to read some more 1984 so went down stairs again to make another cup.

The game was just starting so I turned on the TV. Chris Sale was pitching. He faced his 3rd batter and then was hit by a line drive to the hip. I heard the hit and when they said Sale was down, I freaked out. I was on my phone when the pitch was made. I saw the replay after the play and ouch! He bruised his hip and came out of the game. There are 5 days before Opening Day and he is slated for the start. I don’t know if he will be well enough by then. Sucks because starting pitching is dwindling. I don’t know what happened to Pretty Ricky (Rick Porcello). One of their starting pitchers is going to spend the first 15 games suspended due to domestic violence he did last Oct or Nov. My poor Sox. Right now the Sox are up 3-0. I am now listening to the game as the appeal for watching was gone. I like to be resting my ankle anyway as it hurts so bad. Sitting would only aggravate it. I was happy to learn as soon as I turned on the TV that my favorite new catcher (sort of new) Christain Vasquez was signed an extension 3 year contract. Love him so much. He is like a young Molina (he did follow them before coming to the Sox). He throws out stealers of second base so quick. I loved him the first time I saw him in Spring training a few years ago.

I was late in taking my pain meds. I was supposed to take it around noon and just looked at the time. I am 2 and half hours late. I hate when I am late. I got so wrapped up in baseball. It was a good distraction for my pain. I am so glad it is back!

Windows finally realized I don’t have enough space on my hard drive so allowed me to use an external drive for some updates. I don’t know if it the updates that the stupid Win 10 assistant update thing is for. I think I might have to buy another 128GB thumb drive. I had transferred files from my 64 GB thumb so I could make a boot up thingy for my laptop because I thought I was going to get a new larger HD. I still need to call Dell to find out what are the components on my laptop as they do not match the manual. I really need to get my other laptop fixed. It might cost me $200 but I think it will be better than this piece of shit. I really should have spent the money fixing it rather than buying a new laptop. But live and learn, I guess. I will never get low memory again, either on RAM or HD.

transition appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender

Transition appt and other things

I’ve had an early day as I woke up around 5. I decided to stay up as I needed to get up at 7 to shower and get ready to leave the house the latest at 815. I played with my phone, talking to a fellow tweety buddy about stuff. I had woken up with spaghetti arms and she never heard of the term. I explained that it was a side effect of my antipsychotic medication. It doesn’t happen often but it does happen now and then. Around 6 I decided to heat up a burrito and then shower. For some reason, my heating method didn’t work as well as before as parts of the burrito were cold. I might have to use the second side at 40 seconds rather than 30. I had a glass of juice and then hit the shower.

By the time I was done, I was wiped out. I had about 45 minutes before I had to get dressed so I decided to risk laying down. I set my alarm and when it went off, I didn’t want to get up. I laid in bed for another ten minutes before getting dressed and leaving the house. It was sunny out and a little chilly but it would warm up a little by the time I got home. I just caught the bus to the station. While I was on my way, my friend texted me saying that she couldn’t meet me because something came up. She felt bad as she was looking forward to seeing me. I told her not to worry. I will be having frequent trips to the health center so there will be other opportunities.

The appt went well. I asked him what to do with the one female hormone I am taking to stop my periods. He said once I start testosterone, I can switch to a progesterone only pill until the T builds up in my system to adequately stop my menses. I might have a period or two while adjusting. He needs to talk to my psychiatrist and therapist and then I think by next appt, I could be ready to go for T shots. It will be weekly and could take as long as 6 months to show changes because of my age. I asked about top surgery and he said that can be discussed once I have begun changing. He asked if I wanted bottom surgery and I said no due to my nerve injury. I still don’t know how T is going to affect my sex drive or how it is going to be. I am kind of worried because when I was sexually active (some 15+ yrs ago), after my nerve injury it was very painful and I hated it. Since I have been out of that crummy relationship, I have not been with anyone. It’s so damn hard because even my urine is fucked up some days. Like the other day it was like all I did was pee. Then the next day, I hardly peed at all, no matter how much I drank. It’s so frustrating.

With the length of this transition, I am kind of thinking of how my plan is going to be and what to do about it. I haven’t put anything in motion, mostly because I haven’t been up during business hours to place phone calls. I emailed my psychiatrist in a kind of panic email about all of this as I was in a pain flare and basically going nuts like I do. I just get so overwhelmed with anxiety during a flare, like the world is ending kind of feeling. I also become more suicidal as I want to escape the pain. I don’t want to live anymore if I am supposed to spend the rest of my life in horrific pain every single day. I don’t know if it will be worthwhile going through the transition or to start it. I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking it will pass and I can manage the pain again, but then there are days where I am set in my ways and I want to go through with it. I still have time as it will take some time to organize things. I have no deep rush. I do know it will be sometime this year. I just don’t know when, specifically.