Tag: chronic pain

bad night of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, depression, FTM, gender dysphoria, grief

Bad night of pain

I was listening to the game and it was tied so I decided to shower as I smelled. After the shower, as usual, I was exhausted and then my foot/ankle flared up on me. It is still hurting. The Sox lost and I am upset about it because they had so many chances to win. It was an up and down game so really hurt to lose.

I had therapy yesterday and my therapist really upset me. She said that I don’t need to be in the hospital and said I could go to the ED but they won’t do anything for me. I know this isn’t true. She didn’t evaluate me on my suicidal risk so she really doesn’t know how bad I just don’t want to be here. I think if she knew that, she might change her mind. She thinks I need partial but I don’t want to go to skill groups. I think they are a waste of time for me because I can’t really grasp things like I used to and besides, these things take practice. I can learn it from a book more than a group setting. The book I am reading now on CBT and suicidal thinking is helping more than anything else that I have read on the subject. Book is called choosing to live. It is an excellent book. I was in a mood yesterday so didn’t bring it up like I wanted to. There was a section I read that I wanted to share with her. She makes me so angry. I don’t know why she doesn’t trust me that I know better of what can help me when I need help. I think being in the hospital will help me because it has in the past. It kind of resets me. Right now I am not doing good. I am not eating or sleeping right. I am tired all the time. I wish I were dead. I also know that maybe spending a few nights away from home will help me with my PTSD of listening out for my mother so that maybe my sleep will get back on track. I know my mother is gone but I still listen out for her every time I am awake during the middle of the night. I’ve tried to calm myself by saying it is ok and that she is gone so no more looking out for her but that just makes me sad and I miss her even more. Grief is a hard thing.

I am so tired and wish I could sleep. My sister left her room so I am waiting for her to go back to it. It is so stupid that I am listening to this shit.

I made a bacon sandwich when I got up but it didn’t taste good. My taste buds are off. Even my coffee didn’t taste good. I had a pop tart, too. It was okay. That was the only thing that tasted right today. I haven’t eaten anything else today. I really want pasta but I don’t feel like cooking. I had an Ensure that I take with my meds as I need 350 calories to take for it.

Tomorrow I have three appointments. I have PT, then my pcp appointment, then the bereavement group. My therapist thinks I should have some time with the group before I go in the hospital as I said I would give it another two weeks time. She thinks grief is going to take longer. She might be right. I don’t know I just feel so damn lost.

I have been having nerve pain in my chest on the left side and it is freaking me out. I know it isn’t cardiac because I am not having any other symptoms but damn, the pain is so intense. It is like a stabbing pain. The swelling on my right hasn’t gone down and now I am wondering if maybe I should be massaging it or something. I sent a message to the NP to see if that will help. It just looks like I have breast tissue again and it is bothering me. I hope that what I feel isn’t fat as that will take more than massage to get rid of.

I haven’t had the time to think more about my personal statement for UMB. I got the letter from my psychiatrist which doesn’t say much other than that he cleared me for attending classes. I wish my psych was still my psych so she could write something for me that would help me other than just clearing me for classes. I guess they need detailed information. Just lovely. Ugh. I can do this. I wrote a damn memoir for crying out loud. Why is this so hard? I am currently working on another memoir. I have gotten so good at being concise in my writing, I find it hard to expand on things. Some story teller I am.

One of the groups I am in on Facebook posted about a trans book. I plan on getting it next week when I get paid. I am also planning on getting a t-shirt that says Baseball Isn’t Boring. I think that will be cool to get. I am a hard lover of baseball.

Headaches are back

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, depression, gender dysphoria

When I was in the psych hosp in mid-October, I started getting sharp headaches in the middle of the night. They were so bad, I thought my brain was splitting in two. After about 15 mins they would go away. I thought they were migraine activity so I took migraine meds for them but it didn’t help. This morning, I woke up with the same headache. The initial pain went away but now there is this ache around my head.

It’s 6am. I had to go pee as my headache woke me up. I am staying up because why not. I am listening to Taylor’s version of Fearless. One of my favorite albums. I am listening via ear buds as I don’t want to wake up anyone. I am debating on making coffee.

Last night, I got really upset, mostly at myself. I gave my mother dinner and she went to the fridge by herself. I didn’t think anything of it and didn’t watch her. Then as she leaves the kitchen she asks if she took her insulin. Fuck. I don’t know if she took it while she was at the fridge or not. My middle sister reprimanded me when she found out, saying I have to watch her all the time. Uh, sorry I don’t have eyes in the back of my head! I go upstairs kicking myself for not being aware. Then my baby sister calls me and tells me it is important to watch her. WTF. I hung up on her saying I am not going to be reprimanded by the two of you. I already felt bad. I know it is important my mother takes her insulin. I am not an idiot. I am getting burned out taking care of her all the time. Yesterday I just wanted to stay in my room and do nothing but read my book and maybe write. I was able to read my book but I really didn’t write like I wanted to. I had gotten so fed up I wanted to go for a walk but I did curls with weights instead. That helped.

I have therapy today. Definitely going to talk about this, the burnout not so much the incident with the insulin. I care for my mother but at the same time I want to get away from her. Her not respecting my pronouns is one part of it. Just bothers me so much. This weekend I’ve been really sensitive as the gender dysphoria has been in high gear.

Today I’m going to try to just drink Ensure in an effort to lose some weight. I’ve gained five pounds because I haven’t been watching what I eat. Eating a whole pizza didn’t help matters. I want to lose at least fifteen pounds before my surgery. I have to start putting a serious effort into this. It is so hard for me to diet because soon as I say the word, I hit the bad foods. I hate dieting but if I want to lose weight, I have to do something.

I wasn’t sure I was going to have therapy today because my mother was having pain upon breathing and needed oxygen. She was having pain all over and rated it as a 20. Thankfully some ibuprofen calmed things down. I had therapy but told my therapist I needed to have the phone near me in case my niece texted she needed me. We talked about the care my mother needs and again about her misgendering me and not accepting me as a male. I am really trying to not let it get to me but when I have gender dysphoria like I’ve had the past few days, it is harder to let things go.

My sister told my mother if she wasn’t feeling that good that she should go to the hospital and my mother “magically” felt better. She ate lunch and was moaning a little bit but not as bad as the morning. I was glad she was feeling better even though she was still on oxygen. I made some chicken breasts for my lunch and for my mother so she could have chicken salad if she wants tomorrow.

My leg is hurting me for some reason. It keeps cramping when I lie down. Been trying to stretch it out. I just took some more Robaxin for some relief as my chest muscles hurt as well. I am so fucking tired. The added stress of this morning didn’t help matters. Hope I can rest tonight and read a chapter of the cognitive therapy book. Got to keep my intellectual brain working.

therapy black out

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy black out

Trigger warning sexual abuse talk

I had therapy today and in the middle of it, my power goes out. I had to use my hotspot to connect but because I was in the dark, I didn’t turn the camera on. UGH. We were talking about trauma and specifically my mother’s abuse towards me. She sexually abused me from the time I was young, like age 2 to 13. She always had to look at my genitals or breasts. Now that I have been cathing for a while, I still have flashbacks to when she touches me when I touch myself. In my pediatric records, the doctor notes that my “vagina was closing” according to my mother but I wonder if it was really my urethra as it is in my vaginal opening. I’ve had a few UTI’s growing up and I wonder if it is because my mother stuck things in there. I also had a trauma medical procedure done to me when I was five. I had to be restrained physically and chemically for the doctor to do the procedure. All I remember is that I was screaming for my mother to get me, to comfort me, and when she didn’t come, I felt abandoned. I hated my mother for not being there. It was then that I started hearing voices.

Today’s WordPrompt from WordPress is transition. I was talking about my transition today with my therapist as my mother misgendered me, again. It invalidates me and makes me think my transition is not worth it. As I will always be seen as a “daughter” to her rather than a son. She thinks she owns me. I haven’t told her that I will be having top surgery yet. I want to make sure the insurance is going to cover it. I don’t want to tell her and then it not happen. It is five months away anyways. I am hoping that I can have it sooner but I got to know insurance will cover it first.

I am going for blood work this week so asked my pcp if they also need a urine sample because my test strip for home testing tested positive for white cells. I don’t know if my bladder is still inflamed or what. It still hurts though and even though I am starting the estrogen cream tonight, it could be a month before it has an effect. I was going to start last night but I got too tired to put it on. I was going to put it on after my last cath for the night but I didn’t want to get out of bed. I was comfy.

I woke up a couple of time during the night to pee and I was on the same schedule as my mother as every time I had to go pee so did she. I might have to hide the benzoyl peroxide I bought as I found it on the sink rather than in the cabinet. The last tube I bought was used by family members. I never had a chance to use it because it was used up before I could or it went missing on me. I have a breakout of zits right now and need to use it. For fuck’s sake, I bought it with my money and the shit is not cheap. Pisses me off that someone keeps using my acne products.

I wanted to make a zucchini chicken stir fry for supper but my ankle and foot are hurting me too much. My mother is just going to make the chicken with salt and pepper for me. I just realized I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast this morning. I never made lunch like I had wanted to. Therapy just got me so upset.

Chronic illness and disability causes grief

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability

This was posted in the CRPS and RSD group on FB.

CHRONIC ILLNESS and DISABILITY causes GRIEF: by: Angela Piccolotti

No one tells you that you will grieve when you become disabled and/or chronically ill. Grief is expected when a loved one dies but you don’t expect it when you experience a chronic illness or disability.

The process is the same. You go through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are our attempts to process change and protect ourselves while we adapt to our new reality. The feelings are the same. The only difference is that instead of a loved one dying, it’s like you’ve died. Your life’s hopes, dreams, and plans are dead. Who you were and who you wanted to become are gone. Everything you used to be. All forever changed.

You break your own heart over and over again because you have hope of a restored body and life but no matter what you do you can’t achieve them.

It’s like you’ve died, but still you’re still breathing and you still have a pulse. You’re a ghost in your own life, a shell of your former self. You are haunted by your old self, your old life, your old hopes and dreams, your former health, all you used to be and all you used to be able to do. You remember everything you’ve lost. It’s heartbreaking!

You feel like you’re just taking up space. You feel so worthless. You can no longer DO. You can only sit by idle as life goes on without you being able to participate in it. It’s agonizingly painful!