Tag: chronic suicidality

Feeling perturbed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Last night I was in the throws of suicidal thinking. I imagined me taking a handful of pills and throwing my luck in the air on whether I would live or die. It felt so real. I didn’t do anything. I tried reading the stuff about cognitive dissonance. It was hard reading it. I am going to try and read more today about it.

I slept for a couple of hours last night and then I was up for most of the night. I read three chapters of Henry Adams and wanted to read more. It is just so interesting even though the people he mentions, I have no idea who they are. I am also trying to figure out the timeline as he keeps going back and forth. I hate it when authors do that. It’s hard to follow.

My sister woke me up this morning. She wanted to know if I would be home for the people to change the water meter. I said I would be. I had gone to bed with a mild toothache but when I woke up, my teeth are really hurting. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. I plan on brushing my teeth, shaving my head, and then taking a shower, hopefully all together. I don’t have much energy right now and I feel perturbed. All the extra paperwork I submitted for SNAP didn’t even give me one dollar more a month. It’s a fucking joke.

I sent my therapist a text. I felt like she should know I’m not doing so great. I don’t know why I am struggling. I guess talking about suicidality has stirred things up a bit.

I got so much to do and I don’t feel like doing any of it. I feel wicked tired despite having two cups of coffee. I really didn’t fall back to sleep until after 0700. I took my meds about 6ish. I still need to do the boxes for the week. That has to be a priority. I also need to take my recycle down. Not sure what I am going to do with this printer. Pisses me off I spent like 50 bucks for the wrong toner and got the damn toner stuff all over the place. I still don’t understand how I got the wrong one as it was from the Canon website. Something isn’t right.

I want to nap. I’m just in a rough space. I feel wicked sad. Also have some dysphoria with my body. I have gained weight and it is upsetting me. I know I need to eat but I don’t want to. I want to starve myself but I like food too much. I’ve just been eating the bare minimum. I’ll figure it out one day but today isn’t the day.

Identities that shape us

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, PTSD, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt survivor, transgender

I had a good discussion with my therapist about how last session brought up how much I was a boy and developed as a girl. It was really confusing and I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. The only person who I knew that was a man and dressed as a woman was the leader of the BAGLY support group. She was always surrounded by young males so I never had a chance for a one to one conversation with her. I think if I came out sooner, my life wouldn’t have been so painful. My therapist pointed out that she thinks I identify as being depressed and suicidal. She is right. But being depressed as well as being suicidal is transient. I have other states of being throughout the day. It comes down to my thoughts that go into the feelings that go into the behavior. All are connected in a triad. CBT can break the cycle. I told my therapist today what I thought about a year ago when I was back to my senses. I had a medically serious suicide attempt and I was pissed I was still alive. I didn’t tell her I thought my chance of surviving weren’t that great. The only thing keeping me in this world was having top surgery. It was what kept me going. It was crucial I identify more as a man than anything else in my life. As long as I had those things on my chest, I was not a man and it was literally killing me.

My therapist and I talked briefly about my parents. I know my father would never see me as his son. I don’t even think he would have accepted I liked women. My mother was a little more open but not by much. I will never know if she saw me as her son because she was dying or because her mental state was affected. I know when I came home from the hospital she still used the wrong pronouns. At that point, I didn’t care enough to correct her. It bothered me but there was nothing I could do about it. She wasn’t going to change. It took a lot just to have her call me G.

I like to think the suicidal stuff is behind me but I know it isn’t. It will always be an option for me. I’ve been suicidal since I was eight and even though I am more congruent with my thoughts, I have a shitload of trauma to deal with that could easily make me suicidal again. I learned today that even though I have a suicidal career, I can still change it to something else. It is going to take a lot of work though. As Dr. Doyle says, 1% is better than 0. I’ll be continuing to write about my midnight demons in this blog. It is the one thing that keeps me sane. And I hope that if you have found my blog because you are suicidal, there is hope. Things do change. It took a year for me but I’m not completely out of woods and that is ok. You are here now and I hope you stay.

Ran out of spoons

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, recurrent major depressive disorder

Last night I called it cousin and he asked if I needed anything. I said I needed to go food shopping so he said he would take me today. So I went. Then I went to the post office to drop off a package. Came home put the groceries away. Then showered. After the shower, I made something to eat. Spoons were totally used up and then some by this time. I was hurting big time. Back was in spasms. And I got a headache. I needed to lay down so around 3 I did. I rest for about 50 mins when my med alarm went off for my afternoon/evening med. I stayed up for a little while and then I had to lay down again. My head hurt so bad and still does despite taking tylenol.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I didn’t go to bed till 4 am or after. I was afraid I would have weird dreams and I did wake with some weird ass dream again. They just creep me out more than scare me. Half the time I awake and shake my head at the weirdness of it all. It might make sense in the dream but it doesn’t make sense when you wake up.

Last night around midnight I started thinking of suicide and how I would do it. I texted my therapist and told her she needs to ask what my level is from now on. She asked me if this was a comment or a request. WTF seriously? I didn’t have to say anything. I could have just kept my mouth (and fingers) quiet. I already had planned this out before. Today I was reminded of a tweet I wrote in Dec, “I just realized with my “proposed” plan, I could finish what I started 25 years ago. Question is what do I have worth living for today I didn’t have back then?”

If I am conscious at my next therapy session, I will ask my therapist if I have a life worth living. Because right now, I don’t feel I do.

An idiot, I am

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mental disorders, mood disorders, painsomnia

Pain got the best of me this morning. Early this morning I was ready to doze off finally after being up all night. Laid down and within 15 minutes, pain got worse. I had enough so I got the elixir out. I wasn’t sure how it was going to taste. I took a swig. It was peppery and I checked the ingredients to make sure it didn’t have pepper in it or my stomach was going to reject my attempt. I kept taking shots but nothing was happening. I waited an hour. Nothing. By now it was like 6 am. I maybe dozed off for an hour or two, not consecutively though. By 0700, I gave up. The stuff wasn’t causing a reaction. I was mad and pissed and a jumble of other emotions.

I texted my therapist at midnight saying I wasn’t going to see her tomorrow. She thought it was today so allowed me to cancel. Mood was all over the place. Then she texted saying she couldn’t see me because she was really sick. That was the last text I got from her. I sent her a few more but got nothing. I went about my day.

I went to see my friend at the Navy Yard. We chatted for a few before he had to go back to work. I then went off for my appt with OT. We discussed the caths and stuff related. I asked her what would be best in cathing in bed and she told me it might be easier but I could get too comfortable with it that it would be the only place I would. Right now I am just planning on doing it when my ankle is 12+ level pain so I don’t have to go downstairs. I got a urinal and she showed me an type of catheter with a bag from the same company that makes the ones I use. She is going to recommend them to my uro so she can order them for me. These will be so much easier as then I don’t have to worry too much about wetting the bed with an accidental miss. Throughout the conversation I was having trouble keeping it. Concussion symptoms were in high gear today. Memory was finicky at best and my thoughts were not always on point. I would forget mid-sentence what I was saying and then totally blank out completely. Didn’t help that I sleep deprived.

After the appt, I went grocery shopping. I wanted burgers and turkey bacon. 4 things and I wiped out when I got home. I wanted to nap but couldn’t. I asked my mother to make burgers. She did, almost using the two pounds of meat I bought. I told her not to use all of it because I wanted to make dirty gravy. Now I need to buy more meat, which means going out in the storm tomorrow. Fucking fuck. I am so pissed she just did what she wanted with my stuff.

The only side effect from my failed attempt is a sore throat. I haven’t officially told anyone. I feel more hopeless and useless now than i did before. I put in a call to the NP as the therapist wanted me to involve her in this. She (NP) never called me so not sure when or if she will. I texted the therapist about it. Still got no response so she must really be sick. I don’t know if she is going to figure out i duped her with appt days. I did ask saying if there was an opening to let me know. I cannot see her Thurs but will if i have to. I see the behavioral med psychologist then. I cannot see the therapist and him on the same day as insurance won’t allow it.

I really don’t want to let on I tried to end things today. I feel like I will get in trouble if I do or worse, get placed back in the hospital. I will know more tomorrow if the therapist is feeling better.

Wed morning I see the concussion specialist. I am being evaluated for a TBI, which is what a concussion is, a traumatic brain injury, though a mild one. I am having a lot of symptoms so hope they can help. I know I have been bad about screen time and resting my brain. It is so hard though doing absolutely nothing sitting in the dark. I wouldn’t mind if I was drugged out on something or maybe I just need an ativan to help me sleep while my brain recovers. I still am getting headaches and pain at the back of my head where I banged it. Short term memory is shot. I can’t remember things like i used to and i have to write stuff down. The OT suggested I have an alarm set to start being on a bladder schedule so i know when to pee. I think i am going to put it in my med app as i can order it for every 6 hours or so without disrupting the time schedule. Trick would be at night so i don’t wake up in the early morning hours just to empty my bladder. But if i should have to, i now have the urinal and obviously the caths to do it. The OT also gave me a few higher quality chux pads. That was really nice of her. Now I can order them through Amazon. I haven’t decided if I should get disposable ones or washable. The price is pretty much the same, except for washable you get 4, disposable I think is 50. If I get the washable, I won’t have to reorder them, which would be nice.

I am feeling pretty worthless about failing, again. I guess I am just not meant to die. And this bothers me so much.