I asked my psych why she wants me to live so badly and she says she is my biggest fan, wants me to write another book (offered to write her biography, she declined), and I have something to offer to the world. Guess I’ve rubbed off on her after 26 yrs. *mind blown* She also said she was fond of me. Holy fuck. I can’t deal. I so wanted to end things this weekend. Now I am having a hard time with it. She wants me to call her some time early next week. If I don’t, she is going to call me. I can’t escape from her grip. Well I can but she is making it really hard.On the way home, I stepped on the curb where it wasn’t level. I nearly lost my balance. I twisted my “good” ankle, the one that was getting better. I had my brace on so I think it kept me from falling and possibly twisting it more than I did. I came home and took it off. I just relaxed for a while before hunger got the better of me. I looked at my ankle and there is a bruise forming. My PT is going to love that when I see her Tuesday. I put an ice pack on it after I ate. Move my foot and it still smarts. Hope it is better tomorrow but I doubt it.Even though my scale has been on the same weight the past week, my clothes are so much looser. I had a pair of jeans I wore today that were tight on me at the waist. No more. I think I’ve gone down a size. Even my PJs are loose on me! And they have an elastic band. Maybe the fat is being redistributed or something. I don’t know. I told my psych and she just wants me to see my pcp. I still am not eating my normal stuff. Yesterday I went to the game and only had 1 hot dog. I usually have at least three. I love their dogs. But I had no appetite. I also have been retaining my urine more. I am only going a couple times a day. I will have to let my pcp know. It could be my meds or it could be my nerves as my back has been hurting me more.I am so sore from the game. We walked all over the park. We met my cousins at the top top deck, which had me winded as there were stairs. I hated it. It a nice view but I like being on ground level. I had a good time as I love Fenway. But when I got home, my mood sunk.Today I felt like I was hit by a truck. Surprisingly, I could walk though I was sore. I was in a bad mood. I really didn’t want to see my psych but I pushed through. I didn’t tell my psych what my weekend plans were. I just couldn’t. Wish she would tell me what kind of book to write. She has said my writing has gotten better. Fuck. I said I won’t be winning the Pulitzer and she said that ok, she wasn’t looking for that. How she became my biggest fan, I haven’t a fricken clue. She surprises me all the time. I tried telling her I wasn’t going to see her again and she wouldn’t have it. I had either 1 or 2 weeks before I was to see her again. She gave me “the tone” so there was nothing I could do.
Tag: complex regional pain syndrome
Waking up dreading the day and in pain
The barometric pressure dropped 0.40 points overnight and my foot/ankle and back felt it. I woke up in a horrid mood, much like I have the past two weeks. Depression has been really bad. I’ve been talking with my psych daily to avoid hospitalization. I refuse to go back in unless I attempt.
I spent the day either sleeping to fantasizing my death. I seriously wonder if I will ever go through my stupid thoughts or just keep planning over and over again. I told my psych how bad things were Friday night hence why we have been talking daily. I’ve been afraid of emailing her due to being forced to show up at an ER.
My family has been upside down since my sister moved in last week. She must have said “you don’t need that” at least a hundred times, if not more. There is no kitchen space as her stuff is there. I want to bake but really have no energy to move the stuff out much less have the space to place the cookie sheets. I am pissed that she told me I need to make room in the living room by going through my office stuff so her daughter can sleep on the couch. I don’t understand why she can’t sleep on my other sister’s couch until we square things away here. I have no idea how long it is going to take me to make stuff in my room for my office stuff. I cleared a box last week but still haven’t broken it down. I got hit with mega pain and back spasms so I was out of commission for a few days. Plus being depressed I don’t want to do a damn thing except kill myself. My psych is preventing that. I kind of wish I wasn’t under her surveillance. I really don’t want to see or talk with her.
I am just going to take my night meds and read Harry. I don’t have the energy for anything else.
Protected: Staring at the barrel of a gun
Darkest depression and other things
Darkest depression and other things
Yesterday I wanted to write a blog but couldn’t get the words together. I haven’t been eating. Sunday I had only a protein bar. Yesterday was just a bologna sandwich. I spoke with my psych as she wanted me to talk. She is worried about how much weight I have lost and not having an appetite. I am to call her tomorrow to check in and I am scared she might say hospital. I lost another five pounds so that makes twenty over the course of one month. I am losing five pounds per week, all because I am barely eating. I haven’t had anything to eat today. I want to order my from my favorite roast beef place but it is a lot of food so not sure it would be worth spending $15 for food and not be able to eat it.
I went to PT today even though my back was sore. I took an Uber there as it has been easier than trying to navigate public transportation. I am progressing slowly. My PT tried to point out the good but I was too hopeless to hear or take in what she was saying. I just felt like a failure because all week I haven’t been able to do my exercises.
After PT, I went to the grocery store to get some more Powerade and the chicken patties I have been craving. I also bought dinosaur chicken nuggets. If I eat some, maybe that will be better than nothing. My back was still killing me from walking around the store so I took an Uber home. I am glad I did. I then went to the dumb new pharmacy to pick up my meds and asked about the other one that was N/A. It didn’t transfer over so I got to call the doc to resend it. Nearly every prescription I have done with the app or had my doctor send over, I had to call about. I’ve never dealt with such incompetence before. I have let the upper management know they suck and even though I have used them since I moved here in 1992, I am teetering on moving to another chain. I am not going to go through this hassle every month!
I came home and I didn’t want to eat. I am hungry because my stomach is growling. I just have no desire to eat. My mother is making stir fry with rice. I will try and eat some of that. I am starting to feel weak from not eating. I’ve never had depression this bad that I stopped eating like this. My psychiatrist even said I am not myself, that this isn’t me. She has never known me to not eat. I feel so blah that I don’t care.
My sister has moved in. My mother has been after me for two days trying to clear my office stuff from the living room. I can’t do anything today. Yesterday I cleared out some of the stuff that is in a huge box, hence why my back is so damn sore. I won’t be able to do anything until it calms down. I am almost through with the stuff and then I can make room for the bins downstairs. Think once the box is done, I will go through my bookcase first and take down some books/binders that are not being used nor care to look at anymore. I can move some of the books on the floor on the shelves. Hopefully that will be done this week but I am really not sure. It all depends on how things go with my psych tomorrow.
midnightdemons7 
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