Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

frustrating doc appt and cookies

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Frustrating doc appt and cookies

I had my quarterly appointment with my PCP this morning. It didn’t go well as the jerk didn’t listen to me or pain concerns. He was reluctant to give me a month’s supply of my strong pain meds and things I have “hyperalgesia”, which means the pain meds are increasing my pain. I don’t think that is happening because pain it brought on when I stand or move my damn ankle. He gave me a referral to the CRPS specialist and wants to hear what she says before making any treatment changes. I see him again in four fucking months.

I am so frustrated. Idiot won’t give me a month supply, fine, I’ll just request a refill every fucking two weeks until he changes the damn count of the meds. I emailed my psychiatrist but haven’t heard back from her. He didn’t want to listen to how bad the pain was, especially when I told him it was bringing on suicidal episodes for me. He just asked if I was in contact with my psych and that seemed to make everything okay. WTF. I don’t see her for pain control. I see HIM! If my damn pain levels weren’t so damn high, my suicidal episodes would be less. Sure I would still be suicidal but it wouldn’t be every time my pain is a 15, especially when my flares are becoming more frequent, with no rhyme or reason.

I was hurting and tired when I came home but decided to make cookies anyway. It was a recipe I haven’t tried before so I didn’t know what to expect. The recipe said it would take 15 minutes to cook. It turned out to be close to a half hour or so and my mother increased the temp of the oven 25 degrees above what they said. Then they cooked. I made them a little bit too big and thick. The smaller ones were cooked more than the bigger ones. I am disappointed because they didn’t come out right. I might trash them. I was going to give them to my psych but I’m not now because they just didn’t cook right. I am frustrated because I aggravated my damn Achilles while making them. My back is also hurting, but it was hurting since this morning. I somehow aggravated my sciatica and it didn’t help that the doc was poking me in the back to see where I hurt.

I am really tired. There wasn’t much of a mess and I tried to clean up the best I could. My mother is making dinner and I am not hungry because I had two cookies plus the dough so I am full. I loved the dough more than the cookies. I might have some of the teriyaki chicken breast that I bought the other day if I get hungry later.

I think my mother’s taste buds are going because she couldn’t taste the butterscotch in the cookies. I put 2 packages of butterscotch pudding mix in the batter. I could taste it. She said all she tasted was dough. I don’t know. Just pissed me off more than I was already.

I sent another email to my psych and now I am crying out of the frustration of being in pain and not having a caring doc. He isn’t a jerk or anything, just inexperienced I think to deal with the complexity of my situation. I miss my former PCP so bad. I rather be nervous about my weight with him than deal with this incompetent young doc who I don’t think trusts me enough to judge my pain and how I manage it. I really think if he saw me more it would increase his awareness of just how bad my pain is and how to deal with it. The meds work and I don’t think I am getting hyperalgesia from them. I also said so in my email to my psych. She should know what this young doc is saying. I get his hesitancy to treat me but is it worth him signing my death certificate because he is under treating me? I was very up front with my former PCP about this and he understood that even though I was under the care of my psychiatrist and therapist I still had low suicidal moods that centered around my pain and suffering. He really wanted to help me and make me “better”, though there was nothing more that could be done. I have tried PT and injections. They just made my pain worse. I have seen countless docs. I hope the specialist can offer me something worthwhile but I am not holding my breath. The worst thing she can say is that I don’t have CRPS but just a pain syndrome. I think that will devastate me and might put me over the edge. I have been fighting this pain for so long now that I am just so sick of it. It makes me tired and cranky and suicidal at times. I can’t just stay at home all the time and stare at my four walls or write endless blogs. I need to go out some time and have a routine of some sort.

Tomorrow I don’t have nothing on my agenda and I am just going to rest. I see my psych on Friday so I want my Achilles pain to calm down some. I really don’t have a treatment for that other than taking ibuprofen and resting it. When it’s really bad, I have to take a couple of strong pain pills to quiet it down. Baking didn’t help it any but it’s not as painful as it was yesterday.

saying good-bye to a friend

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saying good-bye to a friend

I got up soon after my mother left the house. I wanted to basically shave the sides and part of the back of my head because she “loves” it so much. Unfortunately, the razor that I wanted to use died and I had to use my trimmer, which didn’t cut as close as I wanted it. I took a shower afterwards to get the hair off me.

I then made breakfast of scrambled eggs with pepper jack cheese. It was good. We were running low on orange juice so I figured after the wake, I would get some. By the time I was done ironing my shirt, it was time for the next bus to the Square. I desperately needed coffee. I got dressed quickly. My dress pants had some trouble going over my brace. Luckily the bus was a little late so I was basically on time when it came.

I felt pretty good in my shirt and tie. I hardly get dressed up anymore or even wear button down shirts since I have been out of work. I went to Starbucks for my espresso and started to write in my journal. I then thought I could get the juice at the new grocery store they opened in the Square a few months ago. They didn’t carry the kind I wanted in the size I wanted. I decided to go home so I could take another dose of pain meds before leaving for the funeral home. Unfortunately, I had spilled my coffee on my tie and it smelled of soy milk and espresso. I was not happy because cleaning ties are a bitch.

I came home and thought about blogging but I didn’t. I called my carrier for my cellphone to see if I could get a better deal now that my contract had expired. I lowered my bill, which is good and have unlimited everything plus a hotspot. I have no idea how to use a hotspot but whatever. It’s 10 GB and I doubt I will use it at all. But it’s with the plan and doesn’t cost me extra. The plan is in effect and I should see it in my next billing cycle.

I got antsy and decided to leave for the funeral home. It was nice weather, even though it was cloudy so I didn’t mind waiting outside. The bus was late but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be there too early. I saw my friend and said goodbye to him. I told him to say hi to my other coworkers that have passed on. I then gave my condolences to the family.

I went to see the pictures they had on display and saw one of the friends that I used to work in. There were a few more that came in and we all talked. I learned there have been 81 people to date that have passed on since the company closed in 1997. I hope we don’t lose anymore. I waited around a bit, hoping to see more friends but it was getting late and I still needed to go to the grocery store. I left and then bought something to eat while at the store. I didn’t have dinner at home because I wasn’t hungry. By the time I made it back to the bus stop, my Achilles flared up something awful and I still needed to walk home. I basically limped on my bad foot, which it didn’t like so my ankle flared in protest. I was screwed.

Luckily, I didn’t have to wait long for the bus to come. I walked to the convenience store to buy a Powerball ticket and a scratch ticket. I lost on the scratch. I hope the powerball numbers come through. It’s low numbers so I am not sure. There hasn’t been a Massachusetts winner in a long time so I am not hopeful. But in order to win, you have to play so I am taking a $2 chance.

I came home and medicated. I told my mother about my friend and how he used to tell one line jokes. He was a sweet man. He isn’t suffering anymore and he can be with his friends to tell his corny jokes.

Memorial Day 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Memorial Day 2017

Today is the day we remember service members that have died in the line of duty. It’s a solemn day. People would be BBQ-ing if the weather was nicer. It’s really damp and rainy. But the weather was better in the morning for parades and stuff. If you are a veteran reading my blog, I salute you and thank you for your service!

I woke up around 4 and wrote a blog because I couldn’t go back to sleep after my bladder woke me up. Around six, I decided to have breakfast. I thought about making coffee but I wanted to go back to sleep. I slept for about five hours, waking up around 1230. I didn’t want to get out of bed but my bladder was not having it. I made coffee then. I had a shit load of messages on my phone. A friend sent me a message via Facebook. She was supportive of my blog that I wrote this morning. I thanked her for her kind words. She gave me her number in case I needed someone to talk to. She also invited me to spend the day with her one day.

My wonderful niece was able to find butterscotch pudding for me. I might make my butterbeer pudding cookies later. I am not in the mood right now to do much of anything. I made hot dogs because I was hungry. I also watched an inning of the baseball game. I didn’t feel like watching it after I finished eating so I am listening to it in my room as I write my blog.

I am feeling pretty crappy. My ankle and foot are sore. But my backache is better. It was really bothering me last night because of today’s rain. It’s also very cold. I really don’t want to do anything but lay in bed today. I might make the cookies tomorrow. I haven’t quite decided what I am going to do tomorrow as in the evening I need to go to a wake. A friend of mine died last week. He was a good man and I want to pay my respects to him. I need to iron one of my dress shirts. I might do that later tonight or tomorrow morning. The house is cold so I just want to stay under the covers.

I hate that my pain is making me miserable today. I took my meds but it hasn’t been too helpful. It knocked the pain down a little bit but hasn’t made it go away, though my pain never really goes away unless I take a high dose of my strong pain meds. I am trying not to take the strong meds as it’s just wrecking havoc with my intestines. I am still trying to figure out a system where I can go every day but nothing has helped so far.

Red Sox are playing the White Sox and currently lead them 4-3 in the 7th. I hope they win today but the relief pitcher has just given up a triple and a double. Now the game is tied. Fuck! I’m going to take a nap before this gets worse!

don’t call me daughter 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Don’t call me daughter 4

My family had dinner at my house. We had lasagna that my mother made. It was going good. Then after dinner we just sat around chatting. That when someone said something about my haircut and my mother shrieked and said I was hideous. She couldn’t stand to look at me. And she kept calling me a her. That triggered my suicidal tendencies.

I felt like coming out as most of the family was around. I knew I would have the support of my sisters. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I felt like I would just leave and never come back. I would have grabbed my lethal bottle of pills along with my other pills so I don’t throw them up and make it to my suicide spot to have it over and done with.

I still am feeling hurt hours later. I felt like talking to my sister but I know she would just say that I should just “let it go”. How can I when you own mother tells you to your face you are hideous because of your military haircut? I get no support from her at all. This just seals the icing on the cake.

I so badly wanted to correct my sister and mother when they were calling me “she” and “her”. I felt so hurt. The pain was so indescribable that I could feel it and not feel it at the same time. I was just shocked because she said it in front of my sisters, my brother in law, and my nephew. I don’t remember if my little niece was there or not. My mother actually shivered in disgust as she talked about how hideous I looked with my haircut.

I love my haircut and I think I will continue to get this cut every time I go to the barber, if I don’t end up killing myself within the next week or so. I have never felt so ashamed to be my mother’s child as I did last night. I am her first born and to be treated this way, just kills me inside.

My physical pain has taken on it’s life on its own. I have had severe pain the last three days. It starts in my foot and then travels to my ankle. I am getting more and more reliant on my strong pain pill, which is just causing havoc with my bowels. And when you have a nerve injury, things don’t move the way they should anyway. Constipation makes it worse. I have been having to push so much that at times I feel like I am going to pass out. It fucking sucks. It’s only putting more nails in my coffin.

If the weather wasn’t supposed to be so shitty today, I would attempt to end my life. I had emailed my psychiatrist that I wished I was never born. I also posted it on social media and I got the typical “you shouldn’t say that”. Why the fuck not?? It’s my fucking life. You don’t know what I have been through. You don’t know the hell my mother is putting me through. Would it be better if I just died by suicide?? I think it would be. I am tired of living anyway. I have nothing worth living for. I am disabled and there is nothing I can do to change that. I can no longer work or even go to school, mostly because I don’t make the money to go. It’s hard to come up with or save $1200 for one college class on disability. It makes me sad that my dream of just even getting my bachelor’s degree is stuck. Looking back, I should have gone to UMB to get my degree rather than an Associate’s. But what is done is done.