Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Feeling Nervous

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling Nervous

I am supposed to meet my psychiatrist tomorrow. Our last appointment was close to a month ago. I have been keeping in touch via email, sending her blunt feelings about my suicidality as well as blogs relevant to my suicidality and in general how I am doing. I am feeling nervous because there was an email I sent to her last week that basically told her that should I not show up for a future appointment, it is because I am dead. I think in that email, I told her I have a date but I don’t remember. I generally write cathartically so after I finish, it’s out of my mind so to speak. I never got a response from that email so I have no clue if she read it or not, so I could be worrying for nothing. Still, if she has read it, it’s going to be one interesting session.

Rain has started to fall and my ankle is kindly hurting me. I can’t sleep, though I took a nice two hour nap after dinner. My mother made escarole soup. There was no more chicken soup thank god. I wouldn’t have eaten it. I took a shower after the nap so I think that is why my ankle is cranky. I just took some pain meds so I hope it knocks me out soon.

Aside from feeling nervous, I am feeling depressed because I am in pain. It’s that same old thing every single night. I so want a break from it. I just have windows where I don’t have pain instead of more than a few hours. Then the pain meds wear off or I move my ankle and it starts all over again. How I miss the days when I didn’t have to take so many pain pills to get relief. There was a think on Twitter that said that tramadol is being abused in some countries because it’s “as potent as morphine”. I had to laugh. I was on tramadol and it was as effective as Tylenol in relieving my pain. It didn’t do shit. I know for some people it works but for me it didn’t help at all.

When I see my MD in December, I am going to ask for two more pills a day for my pain. The NP that I see really doesn’t give a shit about my pain. She just prints out the prescription and basically tells me to have a nice day. This is all in theory because I plan on ending things soon. The only person that can really stop me is my psychiatrist. That is why I am so nervous about my appointment tomorrow. If she feels I need to be in the hospital, I am going to be so screwed.

Being suicidal is a very ambivalent state. You want to die yet you yearn for hope to keep you here. Guilt also keeps you here, when it gets a hold of you. The guilt of those you leave behind who will be in pain from your loss. I wish I never knew about survivor loss and guilt surrounding it. Not knowing about it made having suicidal plans easier.

Train delays and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Train Delays and other things

I got up early, like 0630 early and couldn’t go back to sleep. Pain woke me up and I just decided to start the day as I was hungry and needed to get my disability T-pass renewed. I made breakfast and then caught the bus to the Square to get my espresso. I made it perfectly and went on my way.

I didn’t know what time the office was open to renew my pass so I rode the train until after 0930 had passed. I got to JFK/UMass station and the train got delayed. There was a fire on the tracks at the next stop and the Boston Fire Department stopped trains from passing by that station. I must have waited at least a half hour for things to clear. Then when we got to another station, we were held up again. Unreal. I was regretting my decision to ride the train and should have just got off at Downtown Crossing when I had the chance.

I finally made it to the station and got my pass renewed but they didn’t give me a card. They gave me a temporary pass, which I had to put money on. WTF. I just put money on my card now I had to put more money on this temporary pass. I was pissed. I put $7 on the pass ticket. I was going to vote early but it’s going to eat up money so I am not going to go. I will wait for my pass to come in because it has more money on it. I have until the 4th to vote. I hope the new card comes by then. It’s supposed to take 7-10 days to come.

I made it home and made fish and chips for lunch. I haven’t had it in a while. I started planning out my grocery order for next week. I am going to try not to spend as much as I did last month. Course, I always say that and it never works out. I cleared off some shit on my bed today. I can finally see my comforter. Just a few more things to clear off and then I can change my sheets. I wish this wasn’t a project every time I want to change the bedding. Every time I change my bedding I tell myself not to put stuff on top of my bed but it never works. I guess that is why I am still alive. I can’t keep promises to myself.

Pain has crept up. I had to take two pain pills because it’s above an 8 right now. I think I did too much while getting to where I needed to go today. I stood on the train until a seat became available and I think that is what did me in. Plus, they were doing construction near my bus stop so I got off on the stop before mine. That meant walking a little more than I should have. I had my brace on but my foot was already flared up by then.

When I came home, I was hot so had the AC on even though it was barely 60 degrees out. I waited until I was cold before turning it off. Now I am really cold and want to wear a sweatshirt. I think I am going to take a nap. My mother is going to reheat some chicken soup that is more than a week old for supper. Think I will pass and make a grilled cheese or something.

Tommy Copper Time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

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Tommy Copper Time

My ankle was swollen and I couldn’t find my ace bandage slip-on so I put on the Tommie Copper compression thing. I hope it helps because the pain is still there despite taking all the meds I took. I spent $40 on the thing so I hope it does help the pain and swelling. This is how desperate I have become.

I was going to sleep but I am in pain and I got the damn writing itch so I apologize for all these blogs. I like to write when I am able to because I really can’t sleep unless I get the words out. It’s not that I have a lot to say it’s just that I feel the need to write.

While I was talking with my therapist today, we discussed the picture I am going to place on my new book. It’s one that I chose that is close to 20 years ago. It was take around 24 hours after my niece was born. I helped deliver her and basically cut her out of the pic and just had my mug shot. I really like the pic but having it as my profile pic on Twitter is annoying me so I need to change it to something else. I can’t stand looking at myself for too long. I just start noticing imperfections and then it just spoils the picture for me. My therapist likes the pic as she thinks I look cute. I told her it was an older pic and she said that I don’t age. I said I was about 80 pounds lighter in that photo. I also didn’t have facial hair because I was so “young”. I am not saying that I am old. I believe you are as young as you feel, regardless of your age. If you blog readers want to see my pic, just drop me a comment and I will post it in my next blog. But I must have at least 5 people minimum that want to see it.

I have been resting my foot since I came up from the stairs in agony. Only time I have been on my feet was to check out a growth in the corner of my eye and to take my night meds. I need to see my eye doctor about the growth, though I am not sure what he can do about it. I am only concerned with it because it has grown over the last few weeks. I thought it was eye crud but it hasn’t gone away. Then it looked like a zit so I tried popping it but I can’t because it’s in a weird spot. I don’t think it is a zit, but it is something. UGH.

I am feeling a little better since my last post. I talked to a friend about how I am feeling and found out she has been feeling the same. We both suffer from Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) though she is affected on her right side while I am affected on my left. Hers was lower than mine and she only had it once. I have had it twice. I hope her pain is nothing but muscle related pain. I know mine is because I can feel the tightness. If I could just stretch the damn hip I would be so much better but I just don’t have the flexibility I once had. It sucks. I would go to physical therapy but it’s a waste of time because they always give me the same exercises that I have been doing for years. I have been doing them but it doesn’t help so why go? I just need someone to massage the area that hurts and see if that helps it. Unfortunately, I can’t reach where it hurts so me rubbing it is not ideal. Sucks.

I plan on seeing my therapist next week and I think I will stop at McDonalds to have their Big Mac. I have been craving it for a while. I haven’t had McD’s in a long time because the one in the Square closed. I thought it was odd because they just renovated the place and the next week it was done. There is only one left in my town but it’s a hike to get to, least by public transportation anyway. I miss the grease, LOL.

I gave my therapist “homework” to do. It’s not really, but it is important. It’s my LTD paperwork that needs to be filled out by my provider. She will be giving it to me next week when I see her. She is going to have a rough draft filled out so I know what she is telling them. I am glad we can collaborate on this because it’s so important to me. I need the LTD payments to supplement my SSD otherwise I am screwed financially.

I didn’t kill my therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, PTSD

I didn’t kill my therapist

I had told my therapist to text me after she eats my cake but never got a text. I thought I killed her sweet tooth for good. That was until my pain shot up and I had real thoughts of ending things so I texted her our code for her to get back to me ASAP. She was at a professional engagement so couldn’t call me but we texted for a few minutes. She wanted me to go to the ER, which I declined because what were they supposed to do that my doctors couldn’t? And what ER would I go to, the medical side or the psych side? Either would be hours of waiting and I just am not up for waiting. I told my therapist I would take my meds early and hope for the best. I was crying at this point because I am so damn frustrated.

I didn’t really do anything but go up the damn stairs after going to the bathroom. Soon as I felt the pain, I snapped. I started crying and wonder what it would be like to go to my spot right now and take the pills with me. Kind of play with fire and see if I get burned. I didn’t care. Before I did get dressed and try and figure out how to even walk to my destination, I called my therapist. I am laid up but tomorrow is another day. Unfortunately, I have to talk to my therapist so I can’t be running off to my spot to end my life. Not that I could run, but you get my point.

It sucks that I didn’t talk with my therapist. I really could have used hearing her voice one more time today. Now I have to wait till tomorrow to hear it. I hate that I am crying like a baby with being in pain. I don’t know how much of it is because of sadness and how much of it is because of the frustration that I can’t do anything to help myself. I did take a sugar pill to see if it does anything. You know, in case this pain is truly in my head and not in my ankle. So far there has been no change in pain levels. But then I have taken a full dose of pain meds and Neurontin. I haven’t broken out the strong pain pill yet.

I was thinking of writing how traumatizing it is to be in pain all the time, every single day and not have a rhyme or reason. How many people go upstairs every day and not experience what I experience? I say that it is traumatizing because it makes me think of my bigger illness, cauda equina syndrome. When I was first diagnosed, I lost feeling in my lower extremity and my left leg/foot was in pain. So I associate that pain with getting CES. And since that day, because I am vulnerable to PTSD (I already was diagnosed), I keep having mini flashbacks of that terrifying time. No matter how many times I try to talk myself out of the feedback loop that this is happening again, it doesn’t seem to work until I take some Ativan to calm myself down. Then I can think a little clearer and see that it’s not happening. That I am just having a pain flare up and things are going to be okay even though I am in agony. I just need to wait till my pain meds kick in. I sometimes wish I had IV drugs to make it happen quicker because waiting up to 45 minutes is torture.

I really hate talking about trauma stuff because I am in denial that things happened the way they did. I was twenty-five when this happened to me so I really was naïve to the situation. I just thought that I needed some pain meds and some physical therapy and I would be good as new again. I had no idea how serious my condition was and it wasn’t like the doctors were all that helpful. Hell the surgeon told me I would be up in three days. Three days later, I still couldn’t move my feet or toes. It wasn’t until a week later I could move my big toe. Things came back so damn slowly. Then when I thought I was doing better I got hit with a staph infection that really knocked me off my feet again. But that is another story for another day.

When I finally saw my therapist three months later in person, she had said that I was traumatized by the surgery and what my body did to me. I didn’t want to believe her. That was 15 years ago. Now I get it. And it’s this trauma I keep experiencing every single night that is driving me whacky. I am sure my hormone levels are off kilter in some way shape or form from going through this every night. No wonder I can’t fucking sleep. I am too stressed from being stressed. I might not understand it physiologically but I know that eventually this shit is going to kill me if it’s not dealt with.