Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

another hot and humid day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another hot and humid day

The humidity is worst today than it was yesterday. I pretty much stayed in my room, only venturing out in the oven that is called my house for eating and bathroom breaks. I did manage to take a shower. I was happy about that. Now I don’t feel as awful. My mood is kind of bleak because after dinner, my ankle flared up. I had been sleeping most of the day and the only activity I did (other than making breakfast and showering) caused me pain. I helped my mother with kitchen clean up and my ankle didn’t like it.

Today is National Ice Cream day so I plan on having some soon as the pain meds kick in. I have some Breyer’s Oreo ice cream that I really like. I haven’t done anything at all today except try and sleep. It’s nice and cold in my room. I don’t have any plans for the day or this evening other than potentially watching the Red Sox game. I don’t know if I am going to watch it because my least favorite pitcher is pitching today. There was a statistic that I read today about how the Skankees have not scored in the first inning in something like 21 games. Price will allow it. He always does and then he will pitch “perfect” the rest of the game. Pisses me off because he is banking on run support. Sometimes he gets it but sometimes he doesn’t.

I made sure I took my afternoon dose of trilafon. I was going to make coffee but really didn’t feel like it. I was so full with the pancakes I made that I just couldn’t fathom drinking coffee. I had two cups yesterday, which is rare for me. I usually just make one cup and that is all for the day.

I haven’t bothered to read anything because I spent most of the day with my head on my pillow. I just really couldn’t get going like I did yesterday. I missed my BPD chat because I had dinner at that hour. I haven’t been on the computer that much today. It’s just been a low key day. I don’t have the energy to do anything.

Psychosis That Lingers

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Psychosis that lingers

I was reading some of my blogs from earlier this year. I do this on occasion to see what I wrote as I usually forget what I have written the majority of the time. Apparently sometime in January, I was having a psychotic break, even though I was taking the abilify. In my blogs, my therapist wanted me to take my PRNs, which I can only assume was trilafon to help quiet things down. I had refused. Now that things have escalated to the point where they are now, It’s no wonder I can’t get a hold of things.

I am glad the trilafon is working as well as it can be. I have been taking at least 4 mg faithfully the last few days since getting my mail order prescription. Some days I need 8 mg because the voices are just too loud or things are just “weird”. Like lyrics telling me what to do or music changing their meaning. I might also be paranoid. I know eventually I will become tolerant to the 4 mg where it doesn’t work for me anymore but I hope that doesn’t become the case. It’s obvious from my blogs that the abilify lost its ability to work for me.

There are many reasons for this. Having to lose a parent and the stress of the grief was one major reason. Having to go through a SSD review was another. Not to mention a review for my student loans which still has not been decided yet. Add in the stress of my back problems and knowing I am pretty fucked if I move the wrong way doesn’t exactly make be feel comfortable.

Then you have the external stressor of terrorists that I believe are really aliens looking for power to control the world. One way or the other, world war III is going to happen, eventually. It’s going to be against, possibly, religion or an us vs them mentality. I don’t know who is going to be president of the US in the upcoming election. I hope it’s the democratic nomination but you never know. And if it’s the republican nomination, the world is screwed, not to mention the US. I cannot fathom a racist president will run the US.

It’s been seven months that the voices have been out of control. It’s been a month that I have been off the abilify. The only thing that has stayed constant is my chronic pain. My suicidality has been in and out. Some days it’s very much apart of my life and other times it is barely on my mind. Lately, It has been on my mind more. I so want to escape the harsh reality of being commanded by voices that nobody can hear. They keep telling me to do things. They haven’t specifically told me to kill myself but I fear that they will soon, even with the trilafon that I have been taking. The voices now know that I have been taking trilafon. It’s candy to them. It works most of the time. It’s not perfect because unlike the abilify, I have to take it every 6 hours or so. I am bad at keeping track of the hours so when I start to feel paranoid or can’t stand an object talking to me, I will take another dose. I never exceed 8 mg a day. I am too tired by then and usually am in bed after the second dose, if I need it.

I have been reading Harry Potter tonight. I read three chapters. I wanted to read four but I just can’t. My meds have kicked in and I will be going to bed shortly. I have absolutely nothing to do tomorrow except possibly call my psych. I want to let her know what I found out. I think it’s important for her to know how long the psychosis has been going on. This way she can make a clinical decision if she needs to.

I was having zaps earlier this evening. I seriously thought about emptying a bottle of Neurontin in my stomach. I hate zaps. There is nothing I can do for them but wait for them to pass. I hate nerve pain more than my chronic pain that I have. Least with the chronic pain, I can get relief with my pain meds. It really had me feeling suicidal. Throw in the intensity of the voices and it’s not a good mix.

Sunday Blog 14

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 14

I didn’t do a hell of a lot today but I made breakfast. I made oatmeal pancakes with buttermilk. It was good but the pancakes fell apart easily. It was messy. I then cleaned up after myself because my mother was still in the hospital. I called her and she didn’t think she would be coming home today but she did. While I was waiting for her to come home, I watched the baseball game. It was pissing me off because every time they had a runner on first base, they kept trying to pick them off. I hate when they do this because I want to see the batter pitched to not the throw to first! It made it a long game.

When my mother came home, the Sox finally scored some runs. Seven in one inning. I was happy because they were toast yesterday afternoon. It was ridiculous. They lost 21-7. I stopped watching when the game was 13-1. Today they won 10-5. I am glad they took the series and played better ball than yesterday.

I made supper for my mother and myself. My mother is all black and blue from the fall she took the other night and from all the poking from the needles and stuff. There were only two pans left for my mother to wash. My ankle started acting up because I was standing most of the time I was cooking.

I finally read a couple chapters in Harry Potter this morning. I am making slow progress. I will read some more before bed. I really need to take a shower but I need my ankle to settle down some first. I just took a pain pill, my second of the day. Even though I have been home alone most of the day, I have been going up and down the stairs a bit. I had to take the trash and recycling out. Then my niece needed some clothing so I had to go to the first floor to get it for her. My mother needed more ice so we took some from my sister’s freezer as she has an ice maker. Then I went up to my room a few times to play on my laptop before my mother wanted cooking done. It has worn me out.

I did make coffee this morning. I made it a little bit stronger than I usually make it because I didn’t put enough water in the French press like I usually do. It was still good. I was hoping to go poop but that hasn’t happened yet and it’s been a couple of days. I am going to be hurting when I do go. I am not looking forward to it. I had some baked beans tonight with dinner so I am hoping that moves things along.

My cousin called me this morning. She wants me to come visit her to have a pool party. I forgot she has a pool. I really don’t feel like talking to her today so I will call tomorrow. I am just wiped out from doing “normal” activities. Being on my feet didn’t help. But it’s not like you can cook sitting down.

Last night I was reading some old blogs. Seems my depression started sometime in September and just got worse in January through April. I also talked about the voices so they have been active for quite some time, even while on the abilify. I am glad I have this blog to monitor my symptoms because I don’t always remember what I write or when the beginning of something is. I had a few flashbacks this weekend of my father’s death and of his downfall. I was reading some of my posts back in March of this year. I mostly talked about him being mean to me, which he always was. He thought he was being funny. I guess the recurrence of the cancer and him not responding to the radiation treatments caused him to deteriorate. I just can’t believe it happened so quickly.

I think I am able to write the story now without it being traumatic for me. Most of the PTSD symptoms have calmed down. I know I was just triggered by going to the floor that my father was in and walking by the room. He spent almost 10 days on that floor where my mother was.

If I really want to make a dent in the books that I bought the last few months, I really need to get reading. My pile keeps getting higher and higher instead of smaller. I keep looking at the pile and it’s starting to overwhelm me. I had started an Excel sheet of the books that I read and how long it took me to read it. It’s mostly a spreadsheet of when I started a book and when I finished it. Since my father’s death, I have only finished two books. I have a challenge going on in GoodReads.com and my goal is to read 40 books in a year. I am not even at the 10 book mark and it’s July. I have the time to read; it’s just that sometimes I just don’t have the concentration because of my illness. I don’t carry a book to Starbucks anymore because I never read there. I just write in my journal. I don’t even write in general anymore while I am there. If I have a plan, which is rare, I usually carry it out. But lately, I just want my iced coffee, write in my journal for an hour, and then go home. I haven’t brought the psychology book that I bought a few months ago to Starbucks in weeks. Maybe I will try that this week.

Saturday Blog 55

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 55

I just watched Italy lose in penalty kicks in the soccer game. Germany beat us. I am disappointed.

I slept somewhat normally and woke up at a normal hour. It was weird because my mother isn’t home. Last night she had another hypoglycemic episode that landed her in the hospital. She will be kept for one more night as her sugars are still not stable to be home. We don’t know what happened and she doesn’t remember anything other than her sugar being low and eating yogurt to bring it back up. I heard a thump last night and she fell off the toilet. It was really scary. I think it traumatized my sister more than it did me. My sister was trying to get her to drink juice and take the glucose but she was not really responding. Then when they gave her IV glucose, her sugar was up high but she still wasn’t responding. She didn’t wake up till around fifteen minutes later in the ambulance as we were taking her to the hospital. That is a long time to be out of it.

I am glad I wasn’t in the hospital because my mother would be dead. No one would find my mother until morning and only god knows what state she would have been in, especially with the heat that we are having.

I wanted to email my psychiatrist to let her know but didn’t feel like it. I see her Friday so will let her know then. I am still going to keep taking the trilafon as it is helping me right now. I usually take it before my night meds so the voices don’t know anything different. I have to sneak it. Once I am a bit more stable, I will take it more frequently, if I need to.

I wasn’t hungry for much of the day until I came home from visiting my mother in the hospital. Then the hungry horrors started. I had bought a sandwich so I ate that. Then I had a bag of microwave popcorn while I was watching the soccer game. I got the munchies while watching the overtime, so had some Oreos. I need to make the last hamburger patty I have in the fridge before it goes bad. That will be my dinner later.

Mood wise, I have been up and down. It was hard seeing my mother because she was on the same floor as my father a month before he died. I visited the lab where I used to work and there were only three people that I knew. One of them asked about my father as she knew he had been sick. I told her the sad news. She was wondering why I didn’t post it on Facebook and I told her the reasons why. However, I did post the obituary notice so she must have missed it. Another friend was asking me if I was on Twitter. I had to laugh because I am on Twitter all the time. I post almost every hour, if not every half hour, especially when I watch sports. Then it’s every play usually, lol.

I didn’t have coffee today though I really wanted one badly. My sister took us to the hospital this morning and dropped us off. I guess she couldn’t be on the same floor as my father either. I know she is still grieving.

I still have my stupid menses. I thought they were almost gone but when I came home last night, it was still there. I am so pissed off. I always know when it’s around 1830 because I get really drowsy for some reason. I have to fight it because if I do take a nap, I will be up all night. That’s not to say that if I fight it, I still won’t be up all night. I have been up all night or most of it because I just can’t sleep, even after taking my night time meds.

It’s like almost 80 degrees out and my feet are fucking freezing. I can never understand why in warm weather, with my feet under the blankets, my feet get cold. I have to put on thermal socks to warm them up. My mother thinks it’s because of the AC but not really as I have them protected by being UNDER the blankets. I just don’t get it.