Tag: CRPS

Pain from the Midnight Demon

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain from the Midnight Demon

The last few hours have been excruciating. I have been troubled with the stubborn nerve pain that you can’t do anything about but pray the Neurontin kicks in before you take the entire bottle. I was contemplating that tonight. Just as I was about to take slumber, the nerve pain came out of no where and I was in agony. I played with the blankets. On and off. It made no difference. I hung the foot off the bed. No relief. Then I got nauseous. I had to take a Zofran. The other meds were making me sick because my body wanted to sleep but my damn foot was keeping me up.

Now it’s almost 3 in the morning and I show no signs of sleeping. I just took some pain meds to see if that quiets down the pain some. Maybe some physical pain is masking as nerve pain and that is keeping me up. I never know. My foot can’t talk but it can scream, like a baby in pain. It screams, I cry. There is no relieving this pain insight. Though the first dose of Neurontin seems to have kicked in. I had taken it hours ago. I swear it takes about four hours to relieve nerve pain. It never relieves it right away than say an aspirin relieves a headache.

I have taken all that I can take tonight, both medication wise and patience. Man how my patience runs low when I am in severe pain. I just know that later today I want a damn pizza and my cake. That is all that I want to eat. I am sure that if I fall asleep by 0400, I will wake up around 0900 or so. That always seems to be the case. Then I will have my cake for breakfast and then wait till noon for my pizza. Maybe I will order fries too. I don’t know. I got a good 12 hours before I order.

My computer was making some clicking sounds so I thought it was downloading some updates or running a virus scan. Turns out that for whatever reason, my virus protection software was uninstalled! I have no idea how this happened. Unless I uninstalled it with the intent or reinstalling but never did. But I am reloading it now as we speak. It should take a good half hour or so to download. It takes for ever. That is one thing I hate about McAfee. It a good program but it takes forever to scan and load.

Today my mother called me to find out if I was home. I haven’t left the house all day but she thought because I had an appointment, I would leave. It was a phone therapy appointment so I wasn’t going to leave. She drives me crazy because she knows I have this appointment every week and I keep having to remind her that. Anyways she called and asked what was wrong. I told her I was tired as I didn’t sleep good last night because of pain. She then wants me to go to a small hospital in Boston that specializes in bone. I am tired of seeing doctors and even if I decided to go, who would I see? What kind of doctor? Surgeon? Physiatrist? Ortho? Neuro? I can’t just walk in the place and say, “See me”! She doesn’t get it and it pisses me off to no end. I have been to this hospital before when I first had my back surgery and the doctor just wanted to do injections. I said see ya later. Never went back to him. But he did give me a good recommendation on a book called “Back Pain for Dummies”. Surprisingly, the book actually has the red flags of Cauda Equina Syndrome in it. Great book! It lists all the PT exercises that I have been doing up until that point and more. I shared it will my support group and number of people have bought it. I even bought several copies of it to give to friends and family. I don’t know where the extra copies are now but I know I still have a few.

I really want to make oatmeal pancakes. I have been craving them for a while. Maybe I will make them later today instead of eating cake for breakfast. I would make them now but I hate clean up. I am hungry though as it has been more than eight hours since I last ate. I can have cake now and then the pancakes later. Yes that is what I am going to do.

Things you think of when you can’t sleep because of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Things you think of when you can’t sleep because of pain

I’m having a difficult time right now. My foot is ablaze in pain. I took my pain meds a half hour earlier than I should have. I don’t care. I also took an Ativan because my thoughts are all over the place with anxiety. I am not sure what the anxiety is about. I have been thinking about my therapist the past couple of hours so it might because of her. Our session is still not sitting well with me. I tried writing about it but I just ended up crying. It just got me so upset. So I left the document open but I will come back to it later.

I checked my blog email as I had some messages. In the sidebar, it listed some Velveeta recipes. It looked good so I clicked on it for a chicken and pasta dish. It seems easy to make so I am going to try it. I just need to get the ingredients.

I am really tired but every time I lie down, my ankle acts up. I took it off the covers and that reduced the pain by 40%. But every time I move it to get comfortable, it flares up on me again. I don’t get it. I am not straining it by these movements. And they are not bearing any weight. I don’t know what gives.

I’m having nerve pain so I took some Neurontin to try and ease it. I wish it worked right away but it doesn’t. It takes several hours for it to work. By then, I am usually asleep. I wish I was asleep right now and I would be as I have had a tough day. But this damn pain is horrible tonight. I don’t understand why as I have been in bed most of the day. The only time I pretty much left my room was to use the bathroom and get something to eat, which were very few times. But my pain doesn’t care. It hurts no matter what I do or don’t do. So very frustrating.

I tried the new protein drinks. It’s not bad but it has a bad aftertaste. It has the sweetener stevia in it which is why the calories are so low. I never had this sweetener before so I hope I don’t get sick off it. The drink did filled me up so that was good. I might buy some Ensure for the vitamin part of it as well as adding calories. Drinking five of the protein drinks will only bring me up to 750 calories a day. I need another 300 calories to complete the day. One Ensure will probably do it.

I think I finally cried for my father today as I was crying for the loss of my therapist. I still don’t think I am completely over his death. It will be eight months since his passing, ironically on Christmas. It’s going to be a difficult day.

The tank is about to rupture!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, reading

The tank is about to rupture!

I have been reading “Dark Tide”, a book about the molasses flood in 1919 that occurred in Boston, since yesterday afternoon. I am at the part where the tank is about to collapse and 2.5 million gallons of molasses are to flood Boston’s historic North End. Apparently, after a shipment of warm molasses were delivered on cold molasses, gases erupted and I think that is what caused the collapse. I am just guessing as I haven’t read that far yet. But I am interested in it none the less.

I think I am going to lower my reading challenge goal to 23 books because that is what I can realistically read over the next three weeks of December, if I am able to read one book a week. Reading five just doesn’t seem to be realistic. I hate that I didn’t accomplish my goal of 40 books but there is always next year, if I don’t suffer a serious depression like I did this year. I think I am beginning to recover from it, though I am still feeling “weak” as if from a long drawn out physical illness that saps your strength. I don’t know if my suicidal tendencies will return or not. But then, I haven’t been in bone crushing pain the last two weeks that have driven me to the brink of suicide.

There is snow in the forecast so my ankle is being an asshole right now. I have been able to tolerate most of the pain today, better than I did yesterday. It’s just an annoying type of pain that digs into me and makes me want to tear my ankle off. Or at least give it a damn reason to hurt. I think it’s very unfair that after resting for hours, I wake up in the same kind of pain I went to bed with. I know this is mostly because my pain meds have worn off but give me some leeway for crying out loud! It used to be that resting my ankle actually brought it relief. Now, not even that works. How the hell am I supposed to combat this pain?? Just annoys the ever loving Christ out of me.

I got into a silly argument with my niece tonight. I texted her I loved her and she texted back that No, I love you. We went back and forth about how we loved one another, both saying no sah and silly things like that. I thought it was funny. I love my nieces and nephew more than anything. They really are my world. I wish sometimes they can hold me to this world when it’s dark and gray but the blinders are so damn heavy, I just don’t see their love for me, the true love they have for me. It’s different than the love I have with my therapist, though right now, that love is pretty shaky.

I was able to shower today. I was getting really stinky as it’s been days since my last one. It’s so hard to stick with a routine for one when your pain is so unpredictable. I try to take one every other day but that hasn’t been working out for me. I tend to wait until I have no choice or I have an appointment that requires me to go out. It’s easy with my therapist being on the phone because then I don’t have to be “clean”. But I can only do what I can do and if that means not showering for more than a couple days at a time, so be it.

A Chilly Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Chilly Sunday

I woke up not in the best of moods. I wasn’t in pain, yet, but just had disturbing dreams that left me wondering what they were about. Then someone sent me a message just to chat and pissed me off because it was so damn early in the morning. Sorry but I am usually not up at 0630! When I did get up, I had to go to the bathroom. My mother was in it so I had to wait. More grumpiness ensued. My mother had the tea kettle on and it went off while she was in the bathroom. After I finished doing what I was doing, I turned off the kettle and decided to make some coffee. I didn’t feel like eating yet. I didn’t really want the coffee but the water was hot so figured what the hell.

Came back to my room with my coffee that wasn’t very good and started reading. I had to charge my phone because I left it off during the night. I hate when I do that. But I was so tired last night, I just wanted to sleep.

The book I am reading is called “Dark Tide”. It’s about the molasses flood that occurred in Boston in 1919. There was plenty of warnings before the giant tank collapsed but of course, upper management didn’t heed the warnings and just plainly ignored them. This was all before the tank actually collapsed. I had heard about the flood but didn’t know much about it until now. It’s all interesting to me, learning about this. The author is great and makes it interesting. I already read two chapters and plan on reading a few more before this evening. I’d like to get through this book this week. I have five books I need to finish before the end of the month for my reading challenge. I don’t know if I will be able to do it, but I will try.

A high school friend started a 21 day liquid diet. It sounds pretty simple but the stuff is wicked expensive. I am going to try it to see if I can actually lose weight and keep it off. The goal is to be within 1,000 calories/day range, which will be perfect for me as I am so inactive. I am doing some research on it before I start it, though I just bought some high protein shakes. I plan on getting more at the vitamin shoppe when I get paid as waiting by mail might be a problem, if I order online. And if I don’t like it, then I am stuck with the stuff. My brother in law has a nutribullet so I can use that for making shakes if I can get a good recipe. I know most of it will be trial and error.

I had to go to the basement freezer for some things. Before I start my diet, I want to make my pumpkin cake. I was glad I went because there was a tub of cool whip. YAY! So now I can make it tomorrow. The trip to the basement and helping my mother around the house caused my ankle to flare up. I had my pizza and am now resting my ankle for the rest of the day.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. I don’t know if I will go to Starbucks afterwards or just come home and make the cake. I guess it will depend on how much I want espresso. I need to take a shower some time either tonight or before my appointment. I have to wait for the flare to calm down a little bit before I can stand long enough for a shower. I decided to try and increase my baclofen to twice a day to see if it helps with the pain. I am supposed to take it three times a day but I am really bad at taking meds during the morning. That is why I have an app to remind me to take my blood pressure pill otherwise, I’d just be taking it once a day, which would not be helping my blood pressure.

It’s supposed to snow later this evening and into tomorrow. I hope that by the time my appointment rolls around, it has stopped and the roads are somewhat clear. I have to go up an incline sidewalk to get to the office building. It will be harder in the snow.