Tag: CRPS

Bad day of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Bad day of pain

I woke up this morning in pain so I pretty much took some pain meds and rolled over to go back to sleep. I was disgusted. My therapist thought she would have time for me today but she didn’t. She had to reschedule our appointment for Tuesday so I am talking with her Monday instead.

While I was sleeping, my psychiatrist emailed me back. I sent her the latest blog post about my near suicidal episode the other night. She thanked me for letting her know. I feel like calling her now because I am so agitated because all I did was make myself something to eat (I haven’t eaten anything all day) and now I am in serious pain. It’s like I have been on my feet all day when in truth, I just been in bed. I am so fed up.

My tolerance to pain has been running thin lately and I don’t know why. It’s the same pain that I deal with constantly. It’s not worse. It’s not that severe. I just have this throbbing in my ankle that just won’t go away and I just can’t stand it any longer. I really just want to die because it’s just ridiculous that all I did was make myself some ribs and my ankle didn’t like it. All I did was put them in the oven. Granted the kitchen was really hot even before I turned the oven on. I think the heat might be affecting my mood by now as it’s been 90 or higher nearly every day the past week.

I feel like I have been trapped in my room because of the heat. I try to do things that don’t involve me standing or sitting too long. When I am in my room, I have my leg propped up so it’s not hanging down all the time. But I don’t know what to do anymore. I am going insane. I just want to cry and last night when I was writing the blog about my suicidality and chronic pain, I was crying a little bit. I was just so frustrated. My room is the only place in the house that has AC other than my sister’s apartment. But that would mean going down the stairs and I don’t think my ankle will like that much. It’s bad enough I went up and down to cool off while the ribs were cooking. I still need to marinate my steak so I can grill it. I bought two nice pieces of steak, one is a filet mignon. It doesn’t really look like it but it says that it is so I am going with it. My mother is arguing with me about the price of the pork chops. She doesn’t want me to buy meat from Peapod anymore. She thinks I paid too much for it per pound. I paid $7 for about 6-8 pieces of pork chops. It was supposed to be $1.99/lb. I don’t know. I won’t buy her stuff anymore. If she knew what I paid for the ribs she would kill me.

I think I am going to page my psychiatrist to talk with her tonight. I am feeling out of sorts and I just want a check in with her. I just need someone to talk to about my pain that will understand and not give me a lecture about what I should or shouldn’t be doing. I have been so tearful lately that it’s been so difficult to keep my emotions in check. I am not a cryer by any means. It takes a hell of a lot for me to cry. But I am at my wits end right now with all this pain. The meds help, they really do but usually I have a break for at least 24 hours and I just haven’t had that break. I have been in pain all week and most of the time my pain is at night. I just can’t stand it anymore, hence why I have been thinking of killing myself, again.

Meds are kicking in so I will stop here for now. Thanks for reading.

An Open Discussion About Suicidal Thoughts and Chronic Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

An Open Discussion About Suicidal Thoughts and Chronic Pain

For the past twenty-four hours, I have been in a suicidal quandary. Last night I was in severe pain for the umpteenth time in a row. I had wanted to go to sleep but my ankle said, nope, not yet. I got really angry because I so wanted to sleep. It was past midnight. I had finished watching the ball game. I had winded down. I was ready for sleep. But pain said no and because it was the third or fourth night in a row that this happened, I was fed up. I wanted to kill myself. I felt there was no other way to escape.

My pain is well managed. All I had to do was take two pills to quiet the pain down and then drift off to sleep. I took the pills and waited for the throbbing to stop. Within an hour, it did but my brain didn’t. I was still pissed and suicidal that I just wanted to give up. I went over the plan I had been thinking about the past few months, wondering if it would work or not. A doctor friend told me it would be painful but I knew that. I also know that it would be at least 2-6 hours for the pills to work. That is a lot of time.

My friend understands about the chronic pain that I have because she also suffers from it as well. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have adequate pain meds like I do. I am not planning on ending my life with my pain meds. Far from it. If the area that I wanted to hang myself wasn’t fenced off, I would go there and do the deed. But it’s fenced off and I am not a good climber.

It doesn’t matter what kind of pain you are in, physical or mental. It still makes you want to end your life. Unfortunately, I have both so I am in a pickle. I have the raw end of the deal. I write about my suffering because I hope that it will help someone. I am not feeling hopeless. Just disgusted that I have to rely on pills every single day to give me relief from my pain, either it be my pain meds or my psych meds. Recently, I have been psychotic and that opened up a big kettle of worms. I thought I would have to go back to the hospital but my mother became sick and needed care so I couldn’t go. I had to be treated as an outpatient and take my care more seriously because my mother needed me.

I know the devastation I will bring to my family should I die, not only my family but to those around me. I talk about taking my life on this blog a lot because it helps to write about it. Doesn’t make me feel less suicidal but it helps with the feelings of not being able to do anything about it. Last night I was close to killing myself and if I had a clear plan, I probably wouldn’t be writing this right now. I don’t know if another hospitalization is in my future. I have grown hopeless about that kind of treatment because there is no treatment in the hospital anymore. The mental health professionals and insurance companies just think that a few days in a locked ward is enough to reset your thinking and make you think you have a life worth living. It’s a big crock. For some it is helpful but for those with chronic illness like me, unless you get treatment, actual therapy, it is just a waste of time.

I am not saying I have the answers to the mental health system because it is different in every state, and that is not the purpose of this blog post. But talking about suicide is similar to everyone who experiences it. People are literally dying because they don’t want to be in pain anymore. They don’t want the stigma that means having to take a pill to control that pain is causing them. Sometimes the stigma is greater than the treatment of the pain. Every day I wonder if I am an addict and will my meds be taken away from me because my pain is controlled with meds. I know that if any doctor takes these pain meds away from me, they might as well be signing my death certificate.

You can say that I can’t have it both ways but I am so tired of not having a life because of pain. I can’t walk like I used to. Just walking a few blocks brings me horrible pain. Last night I washed dishes and I think that is what set off my ankle pain. For the ten minutes it took me to wash four dishes and two cups. I can’t drive long distances because my ankle will act up on me. I never know what sets off my pain. And the docs aren’t sure what is causing my pain. Some kind of pain syndrome but they are not sure what. My quality of life sucks because I can’t go to family functions and things because my pain limits me. I test the boundaries every day and I am rewarded with pain. Then add mental illness on top of that and it’s not a pretty picture. Sure I was depressed and suicidal BEFORE I had chronic pain. But I also was able to hold down two jobs that I somewhat enjoyed.

I am not trying to boo-hoo my life. I just hate the way I live and I just don’t want to live anymore. It’s too painful, both physically and mentally.

Pdoc appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t wake up in time to catch the 0950 bus despite setting my alarm. I pretty much woke up to shut it off and then went back to sleep. I should have set a second alarm in case that happened. Luckily, my mother called me at 1000 so I could catch the next bus. I had just enough time to get my latte and leave to catch the train.

My psychiatrist was running late. She always is but today was later than usual. The voices were getting unsettled. It was kind of weird being there in the waiting room while the voices were talking. I should have taken the trilafon before leaving the house but felt it was too early as I just woke up. We talked about side effects of the medication as it’s an older drug and she is comfortable with me taking it as long as it is helping me. She ordered an EKG today as it has been two years since my last one. I am just glad she didn’t order any blood work. I hate getting my blood drawn.

I am glad the bus home was late so I caught it and didn’t have to wait an hour. I went to Walgreens to pick up my scripts that were ready. I was sweating bullets by the time I reached my house. My shirt was soaking wet. I had to take it off because it was making me cold with the AC. The new shirt I put on I then ruined when I opened a can of tuna in oil. I hate when I do that. I try to be careful but today I wasn’t. Now I have oil stains on my shirt. Luckily it’s on the bottom half so it’s not so noticeable.

My mother is thinking of making a “lazy man’s mac and cheese”. Apparently she is thinking of making the pasta and then microwaving cheese on top of it. Whatever. Sounds good to me. I love pasta and cheese so it works for me. I feel like making coffee but it’s kind of late. I just feel so wiped out. The heat and humidity is awful. It was really humid around the hospital because the river is right there. I was drenched before I reached the station. My ankle started acting up on the way home. I knew it was going to because there is a threat of showers today. Plus I did extra walking and stairs today as I had to go from one building to another to get the EKG.

My refill of trilafon is still being processed. I hope it gets mailed out today or I am going to be screwed. I have only a few pills left. I should have expedited shipping. I normally wouldn’t worry about it but the voices have been annoying today so I might need a second dose. I wish I knew where my other pill container was that I carry around. I know there are some pills in there. I tried finding it last night but wasn’t successful. I hate being psychotic. I told my psych today that it’s getting worse as I get older to control. I told her that I was having delusions as far back as March 2015, even with the abilify so obviously the abilify lost its effectiveness and I really didn’t notice it. Course I am so used to the voices it’s hard to discern when they are troublesome and when they are “normal”.

another hot and humid day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another hot and humid day

The humidity is worst today than it was yesterday. I pretty much stayed in my room, only venturing out in the oven that is called my house for eating and bathroom breaks. I did manage to take a shower. I was happy about that. Now I don’t feel as awful. My mood is kind of bleak because after dinner, my ankle flared up. I had been sleeping most of the day and the only activity I did (other than making breakfast and showering) caused me pain. I helped my mother with kitchen clean up and my ankle didn’t like it.

Today is National Ice Cream day so I plan on having some soon as the pain meds kick in. I have some Breyer’s Oreo ice cream that I really like. I haven’t done anything at all today except try and sleep. It’s nice and cold in my room. I don’t have any plans for the day or this evening other than potentially watching the Red Sox game. I don’t know if I am going to watch it because my least favorite pitcher is pitching today. There was a statistic that I read today about how the Skankees have not scored in the first inning in something like 21 games. Price will allow it. He always does and then he will pitch “perfect” the rest of the game. Pisses me off because he is banking on run support. Sometimes he gets it but sometimes he doesn’t.

I made sure I took my afternoon dose of trilafon. I was going to make coffee but really didn’t feel like it. I was so full with the pancakes I made that I just couldn’t fathom drinking coffee. I had two cups yesterday, which is rare for me. I usually just make one cup and that is all for the day.

I haven’t bothered to read anything because I spent most of the day with my head on my pillow. I just really couldn’t get going like I did yesterday. I missed my BPD chat because I had dinner at that hour. I haven’t been on the computer that much today. It’s just been a low key day. I don’t have the energy to do anything.