Tag: depression

Friday’s Thoughts 25092020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Friday’s thoughts 25092020

I went out for the first time since my surgery. My mother needed an errand done and I volunteered to go so I could go to Starbucks. I had a cloud caramel macchiato and a pumpkin scone, which I will have tomorrow morning for breakfast. It took me a while to get home because I had to take two buses but it was great to get out. I am wicked tired from the outing but that is to be expected. I am still not 100% recovered from surgery and I am definitely deconditioned. It is going to take a while for me to recondition myself to things. Tomorrow I am going out with some friends. We will be ordering from a restaurant and then watching a movie. It should be a good hangout session.

I got in touch with my psychiatrist after I wrote to him this morning about the voices being ramped up. He agreed to increase the Invega to 6 mg a day. He then wants to check in early next week. I had a hard time trying to sleep last night because of pain and insomnia. I didn’t go to sleep till 5 am this morning. My mother woke me up with her request to do the errand. It wasn’t until noon time so I had enough sleep. I am really tired after the outing so I think I am going to try and make it an early night tonight. I am not going to listen to the ballgame. That just gets me excited. I listened to last night’s disaster game until the 4th inning. I had to shut it off as the pitching just fell apart. They lost 13-1 last night, their last home game of the season. There are only three games left in the season for the Sox. I am sad that it is over but glad it is because they really sucked this year. They are in last place, again.

I tried making an appointment with PT today but got their voicemail. I left a message but haven’t heard back. I probably will on Monday. I hope to have the cramp decrease this go round with them. That was one of the reasons why I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept on having cramps in my back and pain. Today I am sore and my lower back is hurting but I think that is from all the walking I did today. My ankle isn’t happy with me either. It started up a couple of hours ago and hasn’t settled down. The pain meds helped some but not all of the pain. Nothing ever takes away all the pain.

I am excited to see my friends tomorrow. It has been nearly a year since I last saw them because of this stupid pandemic. I am glad we are ordering from the restaurant rather than having a sit in it. I am kind of paranoid about being in restaurants these days. If we were going to a restaurant, I probably wouldn’t be seeing my friends. I just don’t want to risk getting infected. I just hope my ankle settles down by the time I wake up tomorrow and I get some decent sleep tonight.

tough past few days

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tough past few days

I’ve been hit with severe depression and hopelessness the past few days. I had my appointment with the new pain doc and it was discouraging. I felt like they felt I was too at risk for management because of my psych condition and past suicidal history. They were to discuss options with my primary care doc and then make some decision. I honestly don’t care to go back to see them. I am seeing their pain psychologist for some coping stuff specific to pain. I think that will be good. I don’t see him until the end of Oct.

I had the meeting with my PCP today. He didn’t say anything of what the pain docs said. I told him I was discouraged because of the way they are treating my mental illness. He didn’t say too much other than he was sorry that I am still recovering from surgery. It has been such a long process. I am not sure when I will see him again.

I also had a meeting with my therapist today. It was a tough session, she really pushed me and I was not really in the mood for pushing. I wanted to leave at least three times but I stuck it out. I asked her what to do when I get into these horrible moods so she gave me a DBT handout on some skill. I have to print it out so I have it in front of me. She wants me to work on this skill every day. We’ll see if that happens. I am not so great in doing homework, especially when there is no follow up with it. We talked about how hopeless I have been feeling. I told her I felt like crawling under a rock and staying there. She just agreed with me with an ok.

Because I was two hours early for my pain doc appointment, I started listening to Hamilton. I finished listening to it tonight and the ending always makes me sad. Watching the movie, which I haven’t in months, I would cry. Just seeing the emotions on the stage were enough to get me to feel.

I shaved and showered tonight before the Sox game. It was a disaster by the 3rd inning so I turned off the radio app. It was interfering with my writing. I kept blanking out as I was listening to the game. So hard to write when you are listening to something. I can listen to music just fine but a ball game or a musical and it’s tough writing.

Back is thanking me for showering and shaving right now. It is cramping up big time and hurts. All I can do is take Tylenol and Advil. My pain meds don’t really work for the cramping. I do take the Zanaflex but I think it is losing its effectiveness or I might be becoming tolerant to it. It still makes me sleepy though.

shitty day times two

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shitty day times two

I am not having a good day. I texted my therapist but got no response. I didn’t think I would get one. I am feeling bad about myself because I crapped my pants, not once but twice today. The first was around 2 am. I had to pee and found that I had shit myself. What a damn surprise. I got cleaned up and then I couldn’t sleep because I was awake. I didn’t go back to sleep till around 0500. I woke up to take my morning meds and crapped myself again. I was not happy. I went to the bathroom and crap poured out of me like water. I cleaned myself up again and then made coffee. The half and half curdled my coffee so I didn’t drink much of it. I tried but I couldn’t get past it. It tasted fine but I didn’t want to risk another stomach upset. Today was shit in a hand basket and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried going back to sleep but I couldn’t. I decided to shave and shower. After that I was exhausted. My back was giving me fits. I took another muscle relaxer to help quite it down.

After waiting for the med to kick in, I decided to make something to eat. I made a turkey bacon sandwich. It was so good and hit the spot. Now I am really tired and need a nap. I am trying to fight it so that I can go to sleep early.

The cool weather has finally arrived and I love it. My mother is freezing and had to turn the heat on last night because she was cold. Luckily, the heat didn’t come on in my room for some reason. It might not have been turned up all the way. My radiator is finicky. It will either be freezing cold or burning hot. There is no in between. This winter is probably going to be colder than it has been because our summer was so hot. I just hope we don’t get snow. I don’t like snow. Freezing temps I am ok with.

I feel really bad about crapping myself today. I know it is a risk when I have loose stool. I just can’t hold it. I am just glad I didn’t empty my bowels in my pants. That would have been worse. This is the third time I have lost control of my bowels since my surgery. I don’t feel the stool at all, unless it is hard. And I can’t distinguish between air and stool when I get the urge to fart. The second crap was a shart I wasn’t aware of until after the fact. It still strikes a blow to my dignity. It is going to take some time to recover.

Sunday Blog 20092020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 20092020

The only plans I have for today is to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds and fill my med boxes for the week. It is cool today so I will be wearing sweatpants and maybe a sweatshirt. I am not sure how cold it is out but it is cold in the house. Sometimes it is colder in the house than it is outside. I am hoping that is the case.

I finally made an appointment for the Ride to be picked up for my pain clinic appointment. I am seeing a new pain doctor. Why, I have no clue. I have no interest to see someone new but my pcp wants me to see someone so I am going. It is just a consult, nothing will change, I hope. I just hope they don’t need a urine sample. I will bring a catheter with me just in case but hope I don’t have to use it. I cannot pee on demand. I never could. I would be sitting on the toilet forever before I peed. I still have retention. My urge to go can be weak but I am able to void with some hesitation. If I don’t get that urge, forget about peeing. I got to remember the paperwork they sent me. I hope I don’t forget it. I am not sure if I am going to arrive on time or not. All depends on traffic.

It’s windy today so I don’t think I will wear a hat. Last thing I want to do is go chasing after it because the wind blew it off my head. Had that happen one too many times. The cold air is causing my back to cramp something awful. I am tempted to send a message to my surgeon to see what he recommends. I am taking tizanidine but I am still having cramps. I am taking it around the clock, too.

I don’t usually discuss politics on my blog but the loss of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has my stomach turning in knots. I am worried for my country and the Supreme Court. The last thing we need is another predator like Kavanaugh on the bench. All of this depends on if the Senators decide to vote once the Orange Buffoon picks someone. They really shouldn’t because the senate majority leader set a precedent of not picking someone until there is a new president as this is an election year. There are like 45 days to election day. I think it will be too soon to pick someone. But knowing the scoundrels, I wouldn’t put it past them to try and pick someone. My heart will break because it was RBG’s dying wish to have a new president pick a replacement. I just hope the wish comes true.

I have four appointments this week. Tues, Wed, and Thurs I have two. Wed I say goodbye to my psychopharm NP. I saw the new psychiatrist last Thursday and it went okay. He seems like a nice guy but I don’t like that we are meeting every four weeks. I think I will be okay but if my suicidality increases, I am going to need more support. He said that I can send him a message via the patient website thingy if I need to communicate to him in between visits. I might send him one next week to increase the citalopram as 20 mg doesn’t seem to be doing anything for me. It takes a long time for this drug to work but I was hoping to see some difference by now. I have been on it for two weeks. I am going to give it another week before I contact him.

I have been reading two books on women and slavery. The first book is Women’s War by Stephanie McCurry and it is about women in the Civil War and how they fought. It focuses on the laws of how to deal with the treason and such. It is interesting but it keeps going back forth with the law and says the creator of the law one too many times.

The second book I am reading is called Medical Bondage by Diedre Cooper Owens. It is about the way American gynecology had its beginning, with enslaved women. It is pretty sad because their doctors who were just learning the skills often ended up killing the women they were supposed to heal. These women often were not named but were written about in medical journals of the time before the American Medical Association came to be in 1847. Before this organization was established there was hardly any ethics involved in treating enslaved women. It was do whatever they want often without their consent or if the woman said no the treatment was done anyways against her wishes because her owner said yes to the procedure. This was all done to ensure the reproductive organs of these women were viable so that more children could be born. The book is short so I probably will finish it before the Women’s War book.