Tag: disability

short blog 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t have a good sleep. My foot was hurting and I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I slept most of the day. My groceries were delivered around 2000. After everything was put away, I had something to eat as I didn’t have dinner. I made a bagel and then had some multigrain chips with salsa. The bagels were good. It was Thomas’s oat and honey. I really liked them. I was disappointed that my tortilla wraps didn’t come in. I guess instead of making salad wraps, I will just have the salad.

I got the ingredients ready for tomorrow if I feel like making chocolate chip cookies. I’ll probably make them in the afternoon. It all depends on whether my pain is low or not. Right now my foot and ankle are killing me from going all over the house putting the groceries away. My mother gave me a kind of lecture. She doesn’t know where I got the money for the groceries and I am not telling her. It’s none of her business.

Last night I emailed my PT about my ankle pain. I was wondering if there was a tendon near my bone that got mad when I moved it and thus setting off pain. She said there were two bones and a lot of tendons. I would have to show her where the pain was so she could get a better idea of how best to go about treating it. She recommended warm compresses for a few minutes and then rubbing lotion in the area. I’ll have to remember this the next time it flares.

I did some stretching exercises. I didn’t do all but some of what she gave me yesterday. She said that I could move on from doing a few one day and then the rest the following day. As long as I was going some that was better than nothing.

I wanted to shower today but my ankle and foot were being finicky. I didn’t want to risk a flare so I didn’t take one. I will try tomorrow. I have to try and be better about it but when you are in a lot of pain, it is the last thing you think about.

Sunday Blog 3 Dec 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 3 Dec 2017

My Buckeyes won the Big 10 Championship last night. It was a nail biter in the 4th quarter. But an interception won the game! I was very happy. Unfortunately, my pain over rid my joy and I was up all night again. I didn’t go to sleep till around 5ish. I was kind of waiting to see if there would be news of the Football playoffs but it was too late. It would be announced today. I was not happy when I woke up because Alabama got OSU’s spot, all because the Bucks lost to an unranked team earlier in the season. The Bucks will play in the Cotton Bowl Dec 29th against USC Trojans. One of my CES friends is a Trojan fan so it will be interesting. I have been fuming most of the day over the committee’s choice of excluding the Bucks for a championship game. They deserved to be in the playoffs and I hate that one loss determined their fate. It was like the rest of their wins, including the Big 10 Championship, didn’t count. I am so mad.

My brother in law did not put in my ceiling fan like he said he would do. He decided to get a Christmas tree and go food shopping instead. So I guess me roasting and possibly getting a heat stroke are my choices. I am not going to risk an electrical fire by turning it on until it dies. I can’t stand the noise it makes either. And even though I found the right temp for the thermostat, my mother has turned up the fucking heat. I am now roasting. I wish I had heard the heat turn on before I went downstairs. My ankle flared up when I took off my slippers as I undressed to take a shower. The pain settled down but now is back up. I am so fucking mad. Now I am boiling mad because even though I found the right setting on the thermostat, my mother jacked up the heat. My room is so fucking hot right now and it’s not that cold out. Fucking bitch already pissed me off once today. She called me “miss” and then my birth name. I walked away like I didn’t hear her. My cousin has also been calling me my birth name even though I told him my name is G. Dumbbell also calls me GiGi, like WTF? What am I, a toy?? Pisses me off.

I know I am angry because of being in pain and I want to end my life. I am tired of this shit. I am tired of the sleepless nights. And now I am in pain, again. I joined the BPD chat. That was good. Now a damn social worker in one of the Carolinas thinks she can tell me what kind of therapist I need. PPPFFFTTT. Talking to the wrong person, lady. Then she tells me she wishes me well in healing. WTF is healing when you want to end your life every single fucking day?? Fucking please. Go find someone else to spew your good tidings and insight. I don’t need it.

I managed to go downstairs to adjust the heat, even though my ankle didn’t like it. My mother wanted me to do something but called me my birth name, again. I went back upstairs. Fuck her. Then she screams that she has been calling me my birth name for 40 years blah blah blah. I have kept quiet about it but today it is like pouring salt into a wound for some reason. I am just so mad. I think me not sleeping the past two nights have got me on edge.

I have therapy tomorrow and because it is past the 24 hour rule, I need to go. I am going to ask him about his mommy and daddy issues that he brought up the last time we met. Like to see what his answer will be. I don’t know if I will get anywhere with this guy. I’ve seen him since April and I don’t think he has been too helpful to me. I’ve had 2 hospitalizations and working on a third, possibly. I still don’t think we connect in any way but just tolerate each other. Just basically called him because he was the last name on my list and I said okay let me try him. I am glad he didn’t turn me away because of my suicidality and he doesn’t flip out when I talk about suicide, but on the other fronts, can you give me some guidance??? Like seriously, aren’t you supposed to help me?? Or did I get therapy all wrong all these years? My psychiatrist who I see every two weeks for about 20-30 mins gives me more validation than he has all fricken year. Though if I text him, he is more supportive than in session!! I don’t get it. I really don’t. I just go with it then write a bitch blog about him.

I had left my MP3 app on on my phone. I wasn’t using it but the thing doesn’t shut off when not in use. It was taking up memory and clogging up my phone. I turned it off and then for kicks, checked the phone’s RAM. It has more than my new laptop! No wonder it runs so damn slow!!! I definitely need to get more. I was planning to anyways as it was cheaper to buy it as is and then upgrade here and there. I just got to look at the manual and see how to do it.

I took my meds about 45 mins ago and now I am feeling sleepy. I will stop here. Later my readers!

Another night of being up all night in pain and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I drank some wine before bed last night to try and relax a bit. All it did was give me heartburn. The meds were making me sleepy with the addition of alcohol, but the pain didn’t care. I wasn’t going to sleep. My damn foot and ankle kept me up till around 5 am, might have been after as I wrote an email around 5. Then about 3 hours later, my phone kept going off but I was too groggy to figure out why. It went off again around 10 and it was the med app alarm. I had to take my pain meds. I shut it off and promptly went back to sleep. I didn’t get up again until around 1400 to use the bathroom. I went back to bed for another hour or so. Then hunger took over. I got up, took my pain meds, and then made a graham cracker cereal. I knew my mother would be asking me what I wanted for dinner but as I made my way back up to my room, she was lying down, sleeping. Oh well.

I played on my phone and checked my messages. Zipcar responded to my request for name change by telling me what to do to do so. I just did it before writing this blog. I sent them a copy of my legal document and my license. That should be good enough. Monday I will go to the Sprint store to change my name. I think I will do it either before I head into Boston or after my therapist’s appt. I still need to go to the bank near me to change my name for my lousy retirement plan. There is less than $200 in it because I no longer work and have been bad about saving money to put into it. Then, I think I will be done with name changing things.

I’m going to try and watch the OSU game. I can’t believe it’s the last game of the season. There might be a game come New Year’s, based on this game but that is it. They had a good season, my Bucks. Beating Xichigan last week was awesome! I don’t know if I will be able to watch the whole game like I did last week. I am not hurting big time but I am tired. I also had to wash dishes after supper because my mother was hurting. She had made fried mushrooms and Rapi, it’s really bitter. It’s from the spinach family, I think. I don’t like either. I made an egg McMuffin. That seems to be my kick the last few days. Then I will move on to something else. I wanted to make bacon today but didn’t get up early enough to do so. Be nice to have bacon and egg Mcmuffin.

My psych just emailed me. I forgot I had emailed her some time during my sleepless night. She needed to change the appt time, which I had a feeling she would do. I don’t mind as I was dreading the back to back appts between seeing her and my therapist. Now I have a few hours to rest in between. Does suck though because that means I need to be up earlier. Hope the buses are on time.

another day of messing up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Another day of messing up

I woke up around 730 or so, I am not sure. I know I took my pain meds and then did my business in the bathroom. I think I recorded taking the pills in my Google drive excel sheet. I could have sworn I emailed the file to myself. Least I thought I did. I left the house around 0820 to go to Starbucks for breakfast. I had breakfast and then I went to work on the file. I had some difficulty connecting to Starbucks WiFi so I just used my hotspot. I check my email and there was no file attached. I checked my phone to see where it saved to and got nothing. I just figured I could work on the spreadsheet online. HUGE mistake. Either my computer was slow and couldn’t keep up or the internet connection was shit. Either way, whatever I did was saved, thus preventing me from undoing whatever I did. I lost ALL MY DATA FOR THE YEAR!!! I have no idea if there is a way to recover it or not. I was so annoyed I just fumed.

My cousin called me and told me my uncle was in the hospital. He didn’t tell me which one so I was like whatever. No one tells me anything anyway so I am not worried. I decided to go to my PCP’s office to get my scripts. As I was responding to some message, my sister called me telling me she was taking my mother to the doctors and that my uncle was at the place I was going to. After I picked up the scripts I went over to the building where my uncle was. A lot of walking. I stood the whole half hour or so while I visited. My ankle and back didn’t like that one bit. Around 1130, I left to go home and wished my uncle well and get better soon. He was thankful I visited.

I got home and wondered what time I had taken my pain meds. I figure around 1500 I would take them. I marked it in my med app to remind me of the next dose. I recorded it but didn’t take the meds. Then I got busy with my niece coming home from school and my mother coming home from the doctors. I had made a cup of coffee as my niece came home. I’ll probably be up all night but I think pain is going to be a major factor. My mother got settled and then I cooked dinner for my niece, my mother, and I. Nothing fancy just hot dogs and beans for my mother and I and mac and cheese for my niece. When we were finished and I was cleaning up, I didn’t feel right. I started feeling like I did the other day when I missed my pain meds. Uh oh. I went up to my room to take my meds but my damn bowels decided to act up. I had to run downstairs and I just made it to the bathroom. My ankle and foot didn’t like the run part at all. When I had finished, the liquid soap was out so I refilled it. That was the intention. I got the stupid soap every where because the hole in the bottle was small and caused an air bubble. I was ready to say fuck it when I figured out how to get it in. My back didn’t like standing while I emptied the small bottle of liquid soap and neither did my ankle. I was getting really dizzy and needed to get to my bed. Soon as went to my room, I took my meds. Now I got to fight off the withdrawal until they kick in.