Tag: disability

Train delays and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Train Delays and other things

I got up early, like 0630 early and couldn’t go back to sleep. Pain woke me up and I just decided to start the day as I was hungry and needed to get my disability T-pass renewed. I made breakfast and then caught the bus to the Square to get my espresso. I made it perfectly and went on my way.

I didn’t know what time the office was open to renew my pass so I rode the train until after 0930 had passed. I got to JFK/UMass station and the train got delayed. There was a fire on the tracks at the next stop and the Boston Fire Department stopped trains from passing by that station. I must have waited at least a half hour for things to clear. Then when we got to another station, we were held up again. Unreal. I was regretting my decision to ride the train and should have just got off at Downtown Crossing when I had the chance.

I finally made it to the station and got my pass renewed but they didn’t give me a card. They gave me a temporary pass, which I had to put money on. WTF. I just put money on my card now I had to put more money on this temporary pass. I was pissed. I put $7 on the pass ticket. I was going to vote early but it’s going to eat up money so I am not going to go. I will wait for my pass to come in because it has more money on it. I have until the 4th to vote. I hope the new card comes by then. It’s supposed to take 7-10 days to come.

I made it home and made fish and chips for lunch. I haven’t had it in a while. I started planning out my grocery order for next week. I am going to try not to spend as much as I did last month. Course, I always say that and it never works out. I cleared off some shit on my bed today. I can finally see my comforter. Just a few more things to clear off and then I can change my sheets. I wish this wasn’t a project every time I want to change the bedding. Every time I change my bedding I tell myself not to put stuff on top of my bed but it never works. I guess that is why I am still alive. I can’t keep promises to myself.

Pain has crept up. I had to take two pain pills because it’s above an 8 right now. I think I did too much while getting to where I needed to go today. I stood on the train until a seat became available and I think that is what did me in. Plus, they were doing construction near my bus stop so I got off on the stop before mine. That meant walking a little more than I should have. I had my brace on but my foot was already flared up by then.

When I came home, I was hot so had the AC on even though it was barely 60 degrees out. I waited until I was cold before turning it off. Now I am really cold and want to wear a sweatshirt. I think I am going to take a nap. My mother is going to reheat some chicken soup that is more than a week old for supper. Think I will pass and make a grilled cheese or something.

a midnight ramble about pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A midnight ramble about pain

Guess what? I can’t fucking sleep. I am tired as all hell but my damn foot/ankle is giving me weird pains. I don’t know what to call them as it’s indescribable. I just know it hurts and it’s like it’s pinging because it will start and stop. Then my right ankle is curling up, by itself. That is painful. I had to take an Ativan to calm that shit down. I need to talk to my psychiatrist about this because I am not sure it is a side effect of the trilafon or if it is just a fucking nerve thing because of the nerve damage I have suffered. Either way, it’s not pleasant.

I am so glad my city has early voting starting Monday. I am going to get there, though I haven’t quite figured out how yet. I know where City Hall is but as I can’t walk there, getting there by public transportation involves buses. What fun that is going to be. And tomorrow I need to renew my disability pass for the T or I am going to be screwed come Monday as my pass expires on Sunday. I should have gone today but I didn’t feel like it. I will go tomorrow morning. I just pray they transfer the money that I have on the card to the new card. I don’t want to lose the money I have on it.

I joined a Spoonie chat this evening. It was good but very fast paced. It’s about dealing with life with disability or chronic illnesses. I met some interesting people. Some are able to work, others aren’t. It was a fun chat. Then I tried participating in the PTSD chat but it was weird. No one was commenting or asking questions so I left. I think they were watching a video of the chat and then commenting. I find it hard to tweet and watch so it was better that I left. I won’t go to that chat again.

I had to take some more Neurontin for my pain because of the weirdness in my foot/ankle. I think it’s some kind of nerve pain I am experiencing. I had taken 600 mg earlier tonight but I guess it wasn’t enough so I took another dose of 600 mg along with a pain pill. It was gross. The pain pill was bitter and the capsules of Neurontin have a weird taste to them. I should have taken them separately. Oh well, what is done is done. I know better for next time.

I have decided to grow my hair out or try to. I just need a trim right now. I hope the barber shop can give me one. Otherwise, I will have to see my cousin. I don’t mind seeing him but he smokes and then I stink of smoke afterwards. I hate smelling of smoke.

I didn’t kill my therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, PTSD

I didn’t kill my therapist

I had told my therapist to text me after she eats my cake but never got a text. I thought I killed her sweet tooth for good. That was until my pain shot up and I had real thoughts of ending things so I texted her our code for her to get back to me ASAP. She was at a professional engagement so couldn’t call me but we texted for a few minutes. She wanted me to go to the ER, which I declined because what were they supposed to do that my doctors couldn’t? And what ER would I go to, the medical side or the psych side? Either would be hours of waiting and I just am not up for waiting. I told my therapist I would take my meds early and hope for the best. I was crying at this point because I am so damn frustrated.

I didn’t really do anything but go up the damn stairs after going to the bathroom. Soon as I felt the pain, I snapped. I started crying and wonder what it would be like to go to my spot right now and take the pills with me. Kind of play with fire and see if I get burned. I didn’t care. Before I did get dressed and try and figure out how to even walk to my destination, I called my therapist. I am laid up but tomorrow is another day. Unfortunately, I have to talk to my therapist so I can’t be running off to my spot to end my life. Not that I could run, but you get my point.

It sucks that I didn’t talk with my therapist. I really could have used hearing her voice one more time today. Now I have to wait till tomorrow to hear it. I hate that I am crying like a baby with being in pain. I don’t know how much of it is because of sadness and how much of it is because of the frustration that I can’t do anything to help myself. I did take a sugar pill to see if it does anything. You know, in case this pain is truly in my head and not in my ankle. So far there has been no change in pain levels. But then I have taken a full dose of pain meds and Neurontin. I haven’t broken out the strong pain pill yet.

I was thinking of writing how traumatizing it is to be in pain all the time, every single day and not have a rhyme or reason. How many people go upstairs every day and not experience what I experience? I say that it is traumatizing because it makes me think of my bigger illness, cauda equina syndrome. When I was first diagnosed, I lost feeling in my lower extremity and my left leg/foot was in pain. So I associate that pain with getting CES. And since that day, because I am vulnerable to PTSD (I already was diagnosed), I keep having mini flashbacks of that terrifying time. No matter how many times I try to talk myself out of the feedback loop that this is happening again, it doesn’t seem to work until I take some Ativan to calm myself down. Then I can think a little clearer and see that it’s not happening. That I am just having a pain flare up and things are going to be okay even though I am in agony. I just need to wait till my pain meds kick in. I sometimes wish I had IV drugs to make it happen quicker because waiting up to 45 minutes is torture.

I really hate talking about trauma stuff because I am in denial that things happened the way they did. I was twenty-five when this happened to me so I really was naïve to the situation. I just thought that I needed some pain meds and some physical therapy and I would be good as new again. I had no idea how serious my condition was and it wasn’t like the doctors were all that helpful. Hell the surgeon told me I would be up in three days. Three days later, I still couldn’t move my feet or toes. It wasn’t until a week later I could move my big toe. Things came back so damn slowly. Then when I thought I was doing better I got hit with a staph infection that really knocked me off my feet again. But that is another story for another day.

When I finally saw my therapist three months later in person, she had said that I was traumatized by the surgery and what my body did to me. I didn’t want to believe her. That was 15 years ago. Now I get it. And it’s this trauma I keep experiencing every single night that is driving me whacky. I am sure my hormone levels are off kilter in some way shape or form from going through this every night. No wonder I can’t fucking sleep. I am too stressed from being stressed. I might not understand it physiologically but I know that eventually this shit is going to kill me if it’s not dealt with.

Ac in October, why not?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

AC in October, why not?

I just came home from my therapy appointment. It warmed up considerably as I made my way back home. I am sweating so I turned on the AC soon as I got in my room. It was supposed to be in the 80s but it’s 10 degrees cooler. I don’t care as long as I have AC.

I woke up five minutes before my alarm was set to go off. I waited it out before I got up to take a shower. Then I killed time before I trekked to the car. It wasn’t bad as it was last time. I guess because I wasn’t in as much pain. Surprisingly, I didn’t have to put gas in the car as it had more than a half tank. I set off and got to my appointment a half hour early. I waited in the car listening to the radio and checking Twitter.

Therapy went okay. She wasn’t able to read the password protected blog I sent her because she was putting in the wrong password. She didn’t read the text completely so didn’t see what the password was. She isn’t that technological. I told her what the password was and what the blog was about. I also told her that I emailed my psychiatrist bluntly about what is going on. We talked about my pain most of the time and how yesterday was a really bad day for me. I never cry because of pain but yesterday between the sleep deprivation and the loss of my father hitting me hard, I was more vulnerable.

We talked about my suicidality but I didn’t give her my new date and she didn’t ask. She understands why I go there and how things get so bad so quickly. What I don’t think she is getting is how fucking close I am to attempting. I am beyond snapped. I just got to get the courage to go through with it and I hope to do it sometime soon. My biggest fear stopping me is being found before I am dead and then I survive. That is the problem with taking pills, they take a while to work before they finally kill you.

We did talk about my “lovely” father as his six month anniversary is coming up next Tuesday. I really can’t believe it has been six months already. It still feels like yesterday. It’s weird yet relieving that I don’t have to deal with his abuse anymore. The hard part is that I miss his banter, his stupid, demanding phone calls. I had a voicemail message come through last week. I missed his voice so I replayed one of his old voicemails. When I played the message thinking it was the new message I was shocked for a little bit. Then I realized I didn’t get out of the message. I miss that fucker.

My therapist hasn’t texted me about liking the cake I sent her. I hope the sweetness didn’t kill her. That would be the first. Death by pumpkin cake. My mother is making lasagna for dinner. I am going to be loaded with carbs tonight. Lasagna is not my favorite dish but I will eat it if I am hungry enough. After therapy when I came back to Boston, I went to Kelly’s for roast beef sandwich and onion rings. I ate the sandwich but couldn’t finish the rings. It’s the only thing that I have had today other than a latte.

My mood is still kind of sour and my ankle is throbbing. I took some pain meds when I came home and the voices started on me. They want to know why I just don’t take the bottle. I didn’t take the afternoon dose of trilafon because I was on the road. I took it with my pain meds to shut the voices up. They have been really ornery lately, especially when I am vulnerable with pain overload. I told my therapist that my PTSD is up because the pain is so awful. I really don’t know what is going to get me out from under this. It just seems so pointless and I just want to die so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I told her I was just mentally and physically exhausted from dealing with it night after night. I am being conditioned to fall asleep around 0300 nearly every night. If I can’t break the cycle, I dread what will happen. I need two pain meds to get me through these horrible nights. I know part of it is the anxiety I have when the pain is peaking, making it hard to settle down. Then it’s pure exhaustion when I do finally sleep. It’s good that I don’t work because I would be sleep deprived nearly every work day.