Tag: disability

Friday Voting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Friday voting

I spent most of the day voting to try and get my favorite second baseman into the All Star Game Tuesday. You could have voted via text, website, or Twitter. I mostly used text and Twitter because it was easier than registering my email address every time I opened a browser. And since I had a pop up virus of some sort on my phone, I haven’t been too keen on using the web browser. Results will be some time later today, I think. Hope all the texts helped him.

I saw my psychiatrist today and she is okay with me using the trilafon because it is helping me. I told her there will be days where I might have to take 8 mg because of agitation and stuff. Today I didn’t take it and was really agitated and psychotic after my appointment. I didn’t take any with me, which I guess I am going to have to start doing.

We talked about baseball while I was there. I told her my opinion on our “ace” pitcher. I think he is a loser and a player, not really sincere at all. He hasn’t pitched too well in his last three starts. I really cannot stand him. And the Sox are paying him over $30 million a year for him for the next three years. I told her I was voting for Pedroia, our second baseman. She really likes him.

I had some time to kill after I came home and was waiting for the bus. I decided to get a sandwich that I love at the Au Bon Pain. I saw they had red velvet cookies so decided to get a couple with the sandwich. I had it for dessert after dinner. I wasn’t crazy about it. It had white chocolate chips and I am not a white chocolate lover. It was okay but definitely would not be buying them again.

My sister asked me to babysit tonight. I told her yes. I was going to take a shower but now I don’t think I am going to. It’s kind of cold and there is no heater in the bathroom because it’s broken. My brother-in-law still hasn’t fixed it, though he keeps saying he will. I honestly don’t think he will until his garden is over with. He spends a lot of time in the backyard during the summer months. It’s his stress reliever.

I finally finished “A Common Struggle” yesterday morning. It is a good book, if you like hearing about how a Kennedy deals with his addictions and mental illness. He fought so that we would have equality among mental illness and addictions to be treated the same as physical illnesses. The problem is, there just isn’t money out there for the mental health budget as it’s the first thing they close. Or there just isn’t enough clinicians out there to treat the high number of patients who wait for months to years for a therapist or psychiatrist. From what I gathered on Twitter, psychiatry is not as popular a specialty as it once was. I have no idea if this is because residency programs are shutting down or what. One of my friends, who’s psychiatrist retired, was seeing a nurse practitioner and then she left her. I know it’s a harrowing specialty but why be a psychiatric specialist if you aren’t going to stay there. Granted more people have chronic illness as well as psych illness these days than ever. Even my psychiatrist was asking me how I keep all my meds straight as I am on so many. The only one they didn’t have on my med list today was the sertraline. She had to add it, again, with the right dose this time. Now I have plenty of it as the pharmacy accepted the script. It’s kind of odd because I just filled it last week. I have no idea how my insurance paid for it but it did. It’s only odd because they wouldn’t allow the trilafon to go through last week when my doc sent it. I had to pay out of pocket for it just to get fourteen pills.

My ankle is starting to hurt but I can’t take any pain meds because I am babysitting soon. I think I am going to try and see if my niece wants to watch the Labyrinth with me. If not, I will just watch it on my laptop. I am kind of scared to watch it only because as a kid I was scared of the movie. I hope now that I am an adult (or try to act like one anyways 😉 I can watch it.

Allergies and Other Boring Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Allergies and other boring things

Since I woke up this morning, I have been sneezing my head off. No matter where I go in the house, I sneeze. My eyes have been watering like a hose has been turned on. I just put antihistamine eye drops in and they feel a little bit better. I also have been taking diphenhydramine all day. It’s been helping a little bit. Least the runny nose has stopped. I feel okay despite all this so I don’t think I am coming down with a cold.

The house is hotter than hell. I don’t know how my mother can stand it. I am worried about her because the last time it was this hot her sugar dropped. I am keeping an ear out but it’s kind of difficult with the AC running.

I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist so I guess what I wrote was acceptable. I was nervous I was going to get a phone call after I sent it but I didn’t. I hope she liked the blog I sent her. I haven’t responded to my friend about the email she sent. I really don’t know what to say to her. Sometimes I don’t respond because there isn’t anything that needs responding to. I do give her encouragement when it is needed. I just wish I could write my book like she is writing hers. So far my book is about my psychotic episodes and how I deal with it with my medication. My first story is about darkness. I need to edit it some more because there isn’t some things that I like in it. But it’s hard to delete stuff when you are looking for a high word count.

Some of the stuff in my book, I posted on my blog. I was hoping to try it out on my readers to see if they liked it or not. Unfortunately, I don’t have many readers every day so I don’t get responses like I used to. This is mostly wordpress readers not internet. I think I get more internet traffic than WP, which is okay. As long as my blog gets read, I really don’t care who is reading it. I had a reader from Guam but haven’t seen him/her in a while.

My first book hasn’t sold too well. It went for around 100 copies, not including the books I sent out to potential reviewers that still hasn’t returned one review. I am upset about that. I think they were just interested in a free signed book.

So while I am trying to think of stories to write, I have been reading like crazy, well as crazy as the depression and psychosis will take me. For a while, I didn’t do any reading because my depression was so bad and my father was so ill. I remember reading a blog the other night that detailed how angry I was that he wasn’t taking care of himself. I gave him a year to live, less than that if he didn’t do what his doctors were telling him. He died a few months later. I still can’t believe how quickly he deteriorated. Less than twenty days in the nursing home. We did bring him home because that was his last request before he became non communicative. He just became a shell of a man. It was heartbreaking to see, even though I had a lot of resentment towards him. Anger as well. Actually, a whole lot of negative feelings toward him, even in his last hour. I had taken a picture of him while he was lying in the casket. He looked like he had a smirk on his face. That is how I wish to remember him rather than how he looked on his death bed. He died peacefully, in his bed, not at the nursing home. It took some doing because otherwise we would be paying a huge ambulance bill. I am grateful the nursing home doctor wrote that it was medically necessary for transport. I won’t forget that.

I hope I don’t have to see my mother die that way, frail and thin, almost skin and bone. She has gained weight over the years, which hasn’t helped her health much. But as long as she is eating and drinking, I know she is okay. My biggest fear is that she will get cancer of some sort because she was a heavy smoker. Thankfully, her chest CT was clear during her last admission.

Because I took Benedryl tonight, I skipped my Ativan dose. I also took some magnesium supplements for the spasms that I had in my back today. Every time I stood for longer than 5 minutes, I became hunched over and my seized up. It was awful. I helped my mother empty the dishwasher and it took me longer because I had to keep sitting down to ease the spasms. I haven’t done anything in two days so I have no idea why my back hurts. I hope it’s not because of the humidity because summer just started and I don’t want to be house bound. I have to go out tomorrow for my appointment or I will be charged a $75 no show fee.

My Sox are winning tonight. I checked the score on my phone and when I went back to the internet, it said my phone had a virus on it. So weird because I didn’t have the thing open while I was using it. I just closed the browser and opened a new one. Pissed me off though because I just had a system update that was supposed to fix the “security” of the phone. Yeah, right. And my last name is sucker.

Just another reason

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I didn’t take my trilafon last night so I have been hearing voices the past couple of hours. We have been having a grand conversation about things, most about what I should or shouldn’t do. I woke up later than I wanted to because I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I wish I had woken up just ten minutes sooner and I would have been able to catch the ten o’clock bus like I wanted to. But I didn’t so I had to wait an hour for the next bus to the Square. I got a large coffee, my favorite summer drink is the cold brew iced coffee at Starbucks with vanilla sweet cream. It’s so good. I had it with extra cream today and it was sweet. I am going to be so sad when they discontinue it. Any thing that I love, they discontinue. I am sure it is just for the summer and then it will be gone.

After I got my coffee, I left to go to my PCP’s office to get my prescription. It was really hot out as I was walking outside to get to the building where she is located. I was expecting the AC to be on freezing but it wasn’t. It was cool though. I got my script and then left to go home to get it filled. This would make my third or fourth trip to Walgreens this week. I waited for my meds and then came home. The mail lady was sitting in her truck so didn’t deliver the mail yet. She is so damn slow.

My ankle started hurting me on the walk home. I didn’t bring my cane with me and I wish I had. Damn foot just didn’t want to flex so I was somewhat lifting it or dragging it as I was walking the last leg of the way home. I took some pain medication soon as I got undressed and into my PJs. I am going to try and watch a movie today to keep from being on my feet. I don’t know if I will be successful as I am not that interested in a movie at the moment. I might read some. I am making progress in Brothers Karamazov, but I still have a few more books to go. I had no idea how religious the book is. It kind of reminds me when I was going to the Catholic church when I was younger. I never really read the bible unless there was some purpose in reading it, like say for a class project or something. I have tried to read the New Testament but could never get into it. I remember for my Russian class, we had to read a passage in the bible. Luckily, my niece had one. I also downloaded it on my Kindle app for my tablet. Unfortunately, you have to start from the beginning. You can’t go to sections that you want to read on it, which kind of stinks. Maybe with the Kindle Fire I can maneuver around more, if I choose to read it. I am staying away from all types of religion for now because it doesn’t help the delusions that I am having.

Mood wise, I have been all over the place. I have been feeling ok to feeling really depressed. I am still suicidal at times. I just hate being in pain. I just want to die so I don’t have to be anymore. The voices are making it tough to think straight. They are still wanting me to take most of my pills by the bottle. It’s a difficult fight. I know that I should probably be in the hospital but I just can’t bring myself to go in. I know I will be doped up and I don’t want that. Or they might restart the abilify and I don’t want to take that drug anymore. I know it helps quiet the voices. But I just can’t go back to taking it. I fear my life would be in more danger than it is battling myself. It’s been three weeks since I have been off this medication. I take the trilafon almost every other day, but not consistently. It helps keep things low key. I just need some time to sort things out for myself. I know it is dangerous and my therapist and psychiatrist are concerned about me and my safety. But they trust me, even if my judgement is impaired right now. I am still in control. I go to the hospital and things are out of my control. I won’t be able to take my pain meds when I want to take them. I will have to deal with feminine products because my fucking biology is messed up for whatever reason. I hate being in the hospital dealing with menses. I rather wait it out some more days to see if it goes away on its own. Otherwise I will stop the pill and see what happens. I should contact my repro endo doc and see if she has any ideas as to why I am fucking bleeding twice this month. Just another reason for me to kill myself.

Struggles in Therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I had therapy today. It went on time until 10 minutes in my bowels decided to try and explode. I had to tell her that I would call her back in a few minutes. Lousy timing. The joys of CES. I did what I had to do and then called her back. I apologized. We talked about various things. She wanted to know if I was suicidal and I had to ask myself, was she not listening to me yesterday when I told her? She said she knew I was because of the pain, but wanted to know if I was otherwise? Being suicidal is being suicidal. No matter what the cause is, if you feel like taking your life, you are thinking about it. I just let it go because I didn’t want to deal with her stupidity today. I already dealt with one idiot doctor this weekend, I wasn’t going to deal with another.

I asked her to leave me alone and she started laughing. I should have hung up on her. I really wanted to but she would call back. I don’t know what was annoying me. Maybe the whole almost crapping my pants thing got to me and then finding out I had discharge. I really was like WTF. I just stopped the pill earlier this month so I should NOT be having any type of bleeding. That, with the stupid dream I had about her, just really fucked with my brain. I dreamt that we were in session and we were talking about breasts. I have no idea how the subject came up. I really hate mine and really want them chopped off. But then, I am a male so I shouldn’t have them to begin with. In the dream, I had to go pee really bad. I couldn’t wait for the session to end so I could go. Funny how the dream came true, partly.

My therapist likes to play mother hen sometimes. She gets on my nerves when she does this because I am not used to people caring about me. She was freaking out about the trilafon supply that I have. I have 5 pills left or so and I don’t see my psychiatrist until next Friday. I think that is plenty as I don’t take it that often. I have been taking it every few days. And I don’t take more than one pill per day. She also worried that I would run out of my strong pain pills. That I might call in for a prescription because I am almost out and I am in the midst of a flare up. I thought I had more than I did but I don’t. She was really freaking out on me and I was like WTF. I think she had too much coffee today or something. I really am thinking she has an anxiety disorder of some kind. I wish I could know some of her patients because it would be interesting to see if she act that way with other patients or just me.

I know the voices are getting out of control. I didn’t tell her this because she was already out in left field and nervous. Besides, they were listening in on our conversation so it wasn’t like I could talk. She asked if I was paranoid and I told her I haven’t been around people too much. I went out today and was a little nervous. I think that was only because the bus driver was a little heavy on the gas with a wheelchair passenger. I get nervous that they are going to go flying with a sudden stop. I listened to my music the whole time I was out. Starbucks had these French cookies that were out of this world. It was a type of shortbread with dark chocolate in the center. HEAVEN! I hope they don’t run out. If I go out tomorrow, I will get them again.

Other than having therapy tomorrow, I am not planning on going out. I didn’t get my hamburger that I wanted to get. I might try for Thursday. I hope the avocados don’t go bad. They are in a sealed plastic container so I think they should stay good.

I got T/Gel shampoo for my stupid itchy scalp. I have tried the other shampoos and nothing is helping. And I don’t have that much hair so I know it’s not because of dirty hair. I am going to take a shower tonight if I can bear it. My ankle didn’t like going out today. I had to break out the cane half way through my trip. I am glad I had it because it really was painful. As I was walking home, I saw fire trucks and an ambulance. I was fearful that they were for my mother. But there was a 3 car accident on my street. One car was pretty banged up and was leaking stuff. I hope the drivers and passengers are okay.