Tag: disability

Saturday Blog 11072020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 11072020

I did my walk today by going to the pharmacy. I did better than I thought I would do as I wasn’t huffing and puffing as much. I also am not as fatigued today. The last few days have been rough. I collapsed in PT on Thursday. I just became overwhelmed with symptoms of CSF leak. I got very weak very quickly. I had to lay down the rest of the session and then I still had to lay down when I got home. I slept the whole afternoon and evening. I just had a roast beef sandwich and that was it. I didn’t want anything else. Yesterday I was still fatigued and called my surgeon to let him know. I see him on Tues as we set up an appointment with him. I am kind of nervous. I just hope I don’t need an MRI. I don’t think I can deal with it again.

I need a shower but it is too hot in the house. I would melt after coming out of it. I will wait until tomorrow and try then. I have found using the cool vent helps. I just don’t think it would work today as it is so humid in the house.

I am really upset that I can’t do what I used to do anymore. This leak is causing me to decondition and just when I think I am up to par, I get knocked down. I hate that I have to lay down when I get like this. I can’t stand laying in bed all the time. It messes me up. I try not to sleep but being fatigued doesn’t help keeping me awake. I just feel all fuzzy and headachy. The only thing I can do is lay down. It helps take away the fuzzy stuff but not the headache. I have been getting dizzy with it too so I really need to keep my fluids up and stay hydrated.

I have my AC on and think I need a new one as the MED setting doesn’t work. Hi and low does but not med. It is an old AC I have had it for more than 10 years. It has filled its duty. I think getting a new on would help the electric bill some. I also want one where I can access it on my phone so when I am coming home, I can turn it on and cool the room off some. Those kind of ACs are not cheap to buy. There was a model I was looking at on Amazon but the price kept changing so I did away with it. I couldn’t afford it. I should have gotten it when the price was lower.

tough past few days

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tough past few days

The past few days have been tough. Monday I had physical therapy and the exercises wore me out. I had to take a nap after the session. Yesterday I went food shopping and that wore me out. I hate feeling so tired after doing something. I did my exercises but I couldn’t do one of them with my left ankle/foot. It was just too weak to complete the tasks. I haven’t done the exercises yet for today. I plan on doing them when I am in the kitchen. It is easier doing them there than in my bedroom. Monday I need to do the PT via zoom because I have a webinar to attend and the times conflict with going. I am looking forward to this webinar as it is about psychotherapy integration. It is free which is the best part!

Yesterday I had therapy and it went well. We talked about what I wrote and she is willing to listen to whatever I want to talk about even if it is about my medical stuff. I am glad she doesn’t want to end things with me. She wants me to come up with some things to work on. My mind is blank. I have no idea what I want to work on. I wrote some stuff down. It was only two things I could think of but it is a start. I think working on interrupting the thoughts ->plan->action when I get suicidal would be good to disrupt. Just hope it will be good enough to talk about. I hate being put on the spot trying to come up with this stuff. But as long as I have something it is better than nothing.

I am freaking out because the Ride called and they are picking me up an hour early so I am planning on taking my book with me. It will be uncomfortable to sit for an hour and then have my session with my PT but I don’t think there is anything I can do about it. I can call in the morning and see if they can pick me up later. I am getting up early just so I can shower. I just hope it won’t be humid in the morning. I hate humidity. I got so overwhelmed I wanted to cancel the whole thing. I just was so unraveled about being an hour early. I don’t function in the morning so this is going to be interesting. If I have at least one cup of coffee I will be good. If I don’t have any coffee, that will be bad. I can go to the store though. There is a coffee shop up the street. I can get donuts there! Yes, I will be early and get donuts. And read my book!

Sunday Blog 05072020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 05072020

I woke up late. I didn’t want to wake up. I took my morning meds and then went back to sleep for more than four hours. I had woken up in the middle of the night, twice, to pee so I was tired. I don’t understand why I had to wake up so damn early in the morning when I cathed before I went to bed. This annoys me to no end. I didn’t have that much to drink after I took my night meds. Drives me crazy that I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee because my kidneys work. I am grateful that they do but wish they would slack off so I can sleep.

I was hungry but didn’t feel like cooking when I got up at 1430. I made a tuna sandwich. I used my last can of tuna so my next grocery order. My cousin is taking me shopping Tues so I will pick some up then, if I remember. I have to make a list of stuff I need to get. I know I want roast beef and burgers. And steak. I can’t forget steak. I have it at least once a month.

I did my med boxes for the week. I filled up the bottles that needed it. I had been winding down the bottles for the end of the month and I finally used it all. I put the bottles in recycle. I need to take down my recycle. I would have done it yesterday but I don’t think there is space as my sister had a BBQ. I might have to put them in the end of the week after the bins are empty.

I made iced coffee when I got up at 1430. It was good. I love that my Keurig makes it. It is so easy. Just fill a mug with ice and let it pour, mix with cream and sugar. And boom. Iced coffee. So good. I like the Peet’s dark roast that I have. It is really good iced. I like it better iced than hot. I of course have my Starbucks coffee that I will make either hot or iced. Lately everything has been iced because it is too hot for hot coffee.

Tomorrow I have PT. I should be getting a call in a few hours saying what time my ride will be picking me up. Hope it isn’t too early like last week. I had to wait a half hour last time because it was so early. And I couldn’t wait in the waiting room because of social distancing. I really hope PT helps my endurance levels because it totally sucks that I can’t do anything without being short of breath. It makes me sad that I don’t have the energy I once did.

feeling sad about so many things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling sad about many things

I went to the BBQ my sister was having. My niece had a few friends over and the neighbors next store came over with their award winning macaroni and cheese. OMG this mac and cheese is so outstanding! I was talking with my neighbor about things and then my med alarm went off saying I had to take my 4pm med. I said I had to take a pill and I will be back but I went upstairs and couldn’t catch my breath. I was so winded. I became depressed because I hate that I am so deconditioned. I even went slow on the stairs but it didn’t matter. My heart rate went berserk. I had to rest. I had to charge my phone as well so it was just as well that I stay in my room.

I have been listening to Hamilton’s soundtrack. I finally got past the first part where there was rap. I can’t stand rap. It didn’t seem to bother me so much today. I really like this musical. I am debating on signing up to Disney Plus so I can watch the movie. I am not a huge movie person so I seriously have to decide to sign up for it. Hulu was giving a package deal of $12.99 for that stream, ESPN+, and some other stream provider. I might sign up for it just to watch some sports. The soundtrack has come to the end and I am in awe! This was such a great musical to hear. I nearly cried when Hamilton’s son died. Then he dies close to where his son did. Such a great story.

I have felt so down about not having energy like I used to have. I feel so weak and I can’t stand it anymore. I feel like a slug. I can only move slowly and if I try to move at “normal” speed I get more fatigued than anything. I know I will regain my strength one day but it isn’t coming any time soon and that bothers me. I should be more compassionate towards myself but I find it hard to be that way. I just feel so useless. I can’t even shower without feeling the need to sit down several times to rest my back. It is driving me mad.

I don’t know if I will come out of this depression that I am in. Seems like it isn’t worth it. I keep coming back to this and it is getting so tiring. I am not sure what gets me into these funks but I am 100% certain they are the same thing just hitting me at different points in time. Sometimes I have physical symptoms and other times I will just have the mental anguish. I am having the mental anguish now. I don’t think life is worth living. I think I will be better off dead. I don’t see the point in living but I keep going just because I just can’t stop. I surrender to the thoughts but don’t act on them. I never act on them and my therapist wonders why I don’t. I wish I knew the answer. I might just be afraid of dying or failing to kill myself. It is one of these two and I am not sure which one it is.