Tag: insomnia

can’t sleep 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Can’t Sleep 2

Seems I am re-using titles. No matter when you have almost 1100 blogs. I can’t seem to sleep and my grocery delivery will be here in about 8 hours from now. Least I hope I am the first delivery of the day. The text I got said that it should be delivered between 0730 and 0930. So I am hoping for the first slot. I got a lot of frozen items and I hope it doesn’t get canceled like it did the last time. I need my fish and chips. I will have that for lunch tomorrow!

I saw my father tonight as it was my littlest niece’s birthday today. I told him I would be over his house tomorrow afternoon and he gave me a look. I am doing him the favor so I don’t know why he just can’t take grace with that. Pisses me off.

I had asked my therapist kind of late to call me so we can talk a little. I hate when I leak. It always takes away my dignity, or what is left of it. I feel ashamed of myself for not even knowing my boxers were wet (see previous blog). I know it’s not my fault that I leaked. I just have mixed feelings down below and I don’t like it. That is part of the reason why I haven’t had a pap smear in almost 10 years. I hate them to begin with but I have been hounded long enough about getting one. I just most likely won’t feel anything because I am numb.

Another reason I can’t sleep, is because I am running a slight fever and I am hot. The bladder spasms have stopped but I still don’t know if I have a UTI or not. I used some test strips but they were expired so I can’t really trust them. My white blood count was slightly positive so I might have an infection. Great, just what I needed. And because I can’t feel things like a normal person, I never know if I have one or not. And I saw the doc today, which only makes things worse. If only I had the spasms while I was at the office. I could have left a sample and be done with knowing if I have an urine infection or not. Now I have to call the office tomorrow and see if I can be seen again. I might wait a few days to see if I get better. I will buy some cranberry juice and see if that helps me. It might just be nothing.

I took 2 ativans so I can try and get sleepy. I listened to the baseball game. We were winning and then the starting pitcher fell apart. I don’t know why they kept on saying he hit a “brick wall”. He wasn’t hitting anything, including the strike zone. He walked three batters. I don’t think that is hitting a wall. So we lost 7-5 because my *favorite* pitcher does what he does best, gives up a homerun. I fucking hate Mujica. He sucks and always will suck in my book. The game kind of got me riled up so that is another reason I can’t sleep.

I realized why I didn’t get the LTD payment yesterday. It’s because it’s not the 4th Tuesday of the month. Least I hope that is the reason. I hate these payment schedules for disabilities. It is so bizarre. I really hope that I get it so I can get my glasses and a new cell phone. But we’ll see. It’s less than a week away. I haven’t gotten any paperwork saying that my benefits are going to be canceled, which I think if my LTD was up, I would have. It would save me $133 in payments for my insurance.

I am very hot so I just turned on the ceiling fan. I hate these hot flashes that I have been getting. I told my doc about it and he didn’t say anything about it. He didn’t seem too concerned about it. I asked him if it was because I was on hormone pills and again, didn’t say anything. Frustrating!! He did want me to have a physical in 4 months. So I guess if the hot flashes are still continuing, maybe he will do something about it then. I see his NP for the pap in two months. That should be fun. It is freaking me out but I am trying to be calm about it. I will take an Ativan before hand so I am relaxed and not freaking out. Fucking hate being a woman, I really do.

my ankle is also giving me grief, just another reason why I can’t sleep. I have so many reasons tonight as to why I can’t sleep that it’s amazing just writing about it is not knocking me out.

Valentine’s Day 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Valentine’s Day 2015

Today is my sister’s 10th anniversary. I wish them well, even though they have their disagreements, they are still together. In honor of the traditions, which is tin or metal, my brother in law gave my sister a package of aluminum foil. I had to laugh. I am still laughing.

I went to my crummy father’s. He does have a nice place, but he is the one that is crummy. He got wicked mad at me because my boot tracked in snow and salt. I am never going to hear the end of it. I filled his box of pills and waited for my sister to finish his laundry. Damn guy has it made. My youngest sister does his bills, middle sister does his clothes and makes his bed with the clean sheets, and I fill his pill box.

I didn’t shower like I wanted because I woke up kind of late. I wanted to get up around 1000, but got up around 1030 instead. I had a crappy night sleeping. I went to bed around 1930, only to wake up around 2300 to the beeping of my pill reminder alarm. I forgot to shut it off as I took my pills around the time I started snoozing. Then I was up like every fricken hour. I finally called it quits around 0300 and read for a little bit. I was in pain so took some pain meds. When they kicked in I went back to sleep for the next few hours. I woke up around 0730-0745 to hear my mother struggle down the stairs. I am always fearful she is going to fall so I listen carefully before I went back to sleep. It was really a rough night and I don’t know why. I think the dreams that I had during my nap is what kept me up. I still had a feeling of doom while sleeping, which didn’t help.

I just finished my babysitting duties. I am tired and want to go to sleep but I have crops to harvest and plant (FB game). Ankle just flared up so I doubt I will be going to sleep anytime soon. I tried ignoring the pain last night and it didn’t get me anywhere close to a restful sleep. Not ignoring it tonight.

I was able to get $20 out of the deal, so now I can put some money on my T pass and possibly go out next week. I do have to go out on Wed for a doc appointment. I just wish it in the vicinity of a Starbucks. I really miss having their coffee. Even though I make it at home, it’s not the same as going out and getting it.

I don’t think that shower is going to happen tonight like I was hoping. Maybe if I am still up in a couple of hours, I will take one. But it’s really cold in the house and I know the floor is going to be super cold. I wish we had heated tiles. That would be so nice.

about sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Sleep is a wonderful thing unless you don’t get it.

Past few weeks I have been having some major troubles sleeping. I don’t know why as I take enough meds to knock out a horse. I sleep in 3 hr increments so I had a total of nine interrupted hours of sleeping, this is after I fell asleep at 6 am this morning. Now it is nine o’clock and I am still tired and want to go to sleep but I know that I won’t.

I knew I wouldn’t do much of anything today once it hit 4 am and I was still awake. I had something to eat, peas and rice, and now I am so full. I guess that is why I am so sleepy. For the first time all week I don’t have heartburn.

Tomorrow starts my motivation of a friend. I hope that I will be able to keep to task. My friend has faith in me so I hope I don’t let her down.

Going to finish watching M*A*S*H. I love the show. I got the whole season collection at a good price. Now I can watch it any time I want to, wish is now.

Until tomorrow and thank you for reading.

Golf ball post

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I should write a song about golfballs being an ankle. That is the type of swelling I have right now and it hurts like hell. I guess I did too much cookie making this morning. Course last night I ended up taking a few too many of this and that. I am really surprised I woke up today. If I didn’t I would be happy. I hate not being able to sleep for more than a few hours these days and not being able to see with my new glasses. Is that asking too much??

Because of my medication OD, I swear to God I thought today was Wednesday all day. Wed I am supposed to pick up my niece at 12. Well seeing as I got my days wrong, I went to the school anyway and at 12 was wondering why no one was coming to pick up their kids. Place is always a mad house when school is let out. I go on playing with my phone and then realize today is TUESDAY not WEDNESDAY ya dummy….so I walk home. Only to reach the front steps of my house when my cousin kindly reminds me that I should get rid of my junk box and get a car. If another family member on my mother’s side tells me I should just buckle down and get a fricken damn car, I am going to put a sock in their mouth!! A nice dirty smelly sock!!

So I am going to go off to dream land for a bit. I’ll probably be back around 3-5 am when I wake up to use the bathroom or just wake up to start the day. I kid you not, the past few nights have been torture and trying to get back to sleep has been hell…