Tag: mental illness

Severe pain continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Severe pain continues

I finally was able to sleep around 0230 or so. All the meds I was taking finally knocked me out so I could sleep. I shut my phone off so I wouldn’t be disturbed. I woke up around 1100, which was good. But the pain was still there and now my upper ankle is hurting me like I have been standing on it all night. I know that this pain is nerve pain because it’s more of a throbbing pain like the rest of my ankle and foot.

I needed coffee when I woke up so I made it. I brewed Pike’s coffee, a Starbucks blend. It is strong coffee but not the acid burning kind. I find that it is stronger than the Brazil coffee that I have. I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t make anything. I planned on making hot dogs, which I just had. They were yummy. I bought Fenway Franks which are the best dogs on the planet, to me anyway. I then had a piece of pumpkin pie. I am so full. I think I will have supper later tonight, if I get hungry. I still have the ribs from yesterday to finish off. I plan on making biscuits sometime today but it depends on how my foot is feeling. Taking a shower and making lunch really brought back the pain so I am going to rest for the next few hours.

Sox game is starting. I was going to listen to it but my favorite pitcher is pitching and he has been sucking big time lately. I really think he still has potential to be a great pitcher. I just think something mentally is going on. Maybe the pressure of being in Boston is getting to him. His first outing he pitched a no hitter and he hasn’t pitched well since. So every time he is on the mound people are expecting him to pitch well. Only reason I am not listening to it is that it is painful to hear him pitch badly. Much worse to watch.

I am glad I was able to shower. I feel better, a little bit than I did last night. I emailed my psychiatrist twice last night. I sent her my blog and then a few hours later, I sent her an email exactly telling her what was on my mind. It wasn’t good. Between the voices creeping up and the severe pain, I am suicidal, again. The voices aren’t telling me to harm myself. But they are just encroaching on my space. They want to know everything that I am doing, all the time and why I am doing it. If I pick this coffee over that one, they want to know why. If I take a pill, they want to know why I don’t take two instead. It’s exhausting. I wrote a lot last night. I had started writing at 0130 that day so around 2340 I continued where I left off. I think I wrote until it was well after 0100. I don’t even remember what I wrote. I still fear a hospitalization is coming. I just don’t want to go back because I don’t want to be doped on meds. I can still function, well, as a psychotic person can. I am used to it. I am not scared except when I am paranoid. But that is mostly when I am out and about. It’s really hot today so I am just staying in my room.

I plan on reading more of “Common Struggle”. It’s a good book and it’s hooking me in because he is at the point where he is realizing he has an alcohol and drug problem. I find it amazing when people recover and do something about their illness. He also has been pushing mental health parity in the US Congress. He really wants brain diseases (mental illness) and addiction to be treated the same way as diabetes and cancer. Unfortunately, there is more stigma to fight because people don’t seek help for fear of not being helped or being told to “tough it out” or think positive thoughts. Most often, people seek help and find there are huge waiting lists to see someone. The same is true everywhere. Sometimes even after a suicide attempt, there isn’t a bed available so they stay in the medical ER until a bed becomes available, only to be released a few days later with the “promise” not to try again. No follow up or after care is given, usually. There just isn’t money to follow up. That is why I think it’s a joke that some places are taking on the “Zero suicide” initiative. That is all well and good until someone falls through the cracks and kills himself or herself.

Extra therapy Session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Extra therapy session

My therapist was able to fit me into her schedule tonight. I felt kind of racy as I was describing how the voices were controlling and demanding. I also described how last night things were terrible that I had to use the crisis text line. They were of some help. I think a trilafon would have been more useful but I didn’t want to take it. I don’t want to lose the trust of the voices. It would be really bad.

She said she got the discharge summary from the hospital. A month after my discharge. They only significant thing was that they couldn’t diagnose my condition, HA HA. Other than that, they just went with previous diagnosis. I was only there for a few days, not much time to diagnose me anyways. I just remember feeling really sad and disconnected. It was just a couple weeks after my father’s death. I have no idea what my doc had said that caused me to be in the hospital as I didn’t overtly say I was suicidal or anything that would jeopardize my safety. I wasn’t even sectioned even after the evaluation by the psych NP. I did go over, however briefly, my past history. And even when I was at the hospital, I was mainstreamed to the unit after a brief evaluation. So who knows what the right and left hands were doing.

I am seeing my therapist tomorrow so I will ask to see the discharge summary. It would be interesting to see what they wrote. I was kind of excited to talk with my therapist tonight. We spent most of the time talking about the voices. She is getting a little worried with them being controlling and demanding. But then I am used to it. It is all my normal. What isn’t my normal is for them to be mean and telling me stuff like killing myself or self-harm. They are getting louder and more insistent that I talk with them and making me do stuff. Like they want me to read on my kindle. Or write a blog. I don’t mind the reading but writing a blog takes some effort because they cloud my thinking. So I don’t like to do it. Plus, I don’t want more than 2-3 blogs a day. I think I will lose readership if I blog more than that.

I had a huge dinner and it’s making me feel dizzy and nauseous. I think it’s withdrawal from the abilify more than the rice and chicken stir fry I had. It will be almost a week that I stopped taking the poison. My sleep has been affected as well, which could be affecting my mood, making me racy and hyper. The joys of being bipolar.

Throughout all the psychosis, my pain levels have been minimal. I seem to only need two pills a day to control my pain. The voices want me to take more but I won’t. I just take what I need. I have told my therapist how they try to be tricky but I am wise to them. Last night, after I took my night meds, they wanted me to finish taking the rest of the week’s meds that I had doled out. I told them I couldn’t take a week’s worth of pills. They were being really stubborn. I hope they aren’t that way tonight. Otherwise, I will take some trilafon to calm their ass down. I know my limits.

I am listening to a song on repeat right now as I am writing this blog. It’s by Old Dominion and the song is called “snapback”. I have decided I am going to listen to it until I know it word for word. I should get there another ten times, or so.

Sox are playing the Sox (Chicago white sox). They are losing and it seems their pitcher is not allowing any hits. Fucker. I hate when we can’t get any hits. This was in the 5th inning so it might have changed by now.

I tried a fax app today to send my PT prescription to the place I wanted. I accidently sent it twice because I didn’t think it went through the first time. I haven’t received any phone calls so I hope it went through ok. If I don’t get a call tomorrow, I will make a copy of it and just send it in via mail. I am in no rush to start PT. I am kind of scared because I don’t want to be in more pain than I already am in. I also worry about bearing weight on my bad ankle while doing exercises on the “good” one. I just hope I get a therapist that is willing to work with me because otherwise, forget it. I will go somewhere else.

King of Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

King of Pain

I was listening to my MP3 player and this song came on. I thought it was perfect for today. I have had it on repeat because I like the melody and lyrics. It describes how I feel today. The song is by the Police. It is one of my favorite songs on their album Synchronicity.

I woke up early and was fidgety. I went to the Square to get my coffee and do a couple of errands. Now my bowels seem to have woken up since I came home. This sucks but I am glad that I am home and not out and about. The cramps are what is killing me. I don’t know if it’s air or crap. With CES, you never know so it’s always best to be on a toilet when you let loose. Otherwise, you might be sorry.

I might go out again after my therapy appointment. I won’t get another coffee, but I might get an iced tea. I really would like to read the psych book that I bought and have been neglecting to take with me. The only reason I don’t usually take it with me is because I don’t have my journal in the bag. But the thing is, I will either write or read. I usually won’t do both. We’ll see how therapy goes. If it’s favorable, I will go out. My psych got back to me. She wants me to page her this evening. I am glad I got a response from her.

I didn’t take my abilify last night and the voices are rampant. I don’t care. I trust them more than real people right now. I should have trusted them all along but the “real” people persuaded me otherwise. I can’t believe how stupid I have been. I texted Bozo telling her I am no longer taking the abilify and I am canceling next week’s sessions. I really don’t want to talk to her anymore. There is no point. She hurt me and I don’t think there is any reconciliation. Besides, I have the voices to talk to, who needs therapy. They understand me better than anyone. They can read my thoughts where as no one else can. Sometimes I don’t even have to talk to answer their questions.

I wanted to get my haircut today but I forgot the money to get it. Maybe I will get it before going to Starbucks to read, if I go back out. My foot is acting up so I am not sure if I will go out. I kind of had to put pressure on it today while on the bus so I didn’t go flying off my seat. I was on the new bus and it’s not made for short people. My feet dangle off the seat so I have to stretch to stay on the seat.

I hope three is the charm. My rear is killing me from going to the bathroom so many times. It’s not just irritation, but also nerve pain that I feel. It really sucks to have a bowel movement when you have cauda equina syndrome.

If I don’t make it back out today, I will read some Dostoevsky. I charged up my tablet last night. I found that the battery does last longer if you don’t have notifications going off. I disabled most of them. There really is no need as I have my phone and laptop and I hardly will use my tablet for messaging or sending email. I primarily use it only for the Kindle app. As long as the tablet doesn’t die on me or run out of memory for the books I buy, I will keep it. No point in getting another one. If it ain’t broke why fix it?

Purpose

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Purpose

Everyone needs a purpose in life. It is what drives us. But sometimes when we are very depressed and feeling worthless, our purpose might not be so clear cut. We often think while depressed, that people will be better off without us, that we don’t matter. This may lead us to become suicidal. And then our true purpose is lost to us. All we think about is death because we have no purpose to go on living. It’s especially precarious after we lost the ones we love due to illness, divorce or if we lost our job. What does it mean to go on after so much loss?

In therapy, therapists often try to give us a life worth living. But what does that mean if we have no purpose for being? It often hurts too much to go on living. Sometimes there are protective factors that keep us here, like family, friends, or children we love and wouldn’t want to hurt with our death. It’s difficult to balance this when you feel so damn low and want to end the pain so badly. It tears at you night and day to go on living in this pain.

My sense of purpose is construed. Others can see that I have one but most times, I don’t see it in myself. It’s hard going on without something to keep me going. I often wonder why I am here. I should be dead three times over, yet I still exist. I am tired of just existing. There is so much I want to do yet I am hindered due to my disabilities. I am often frustrated and suicidal, not a good combo. My depressions are severe and debilitating. My chronic physical pain is as well. I can’t work anymore. I don’t have any friends that are close by that I talk to on a regular basis. I have my online friends, without whom, I think I would feel totally alone, trapped in my room. My therapist and psychiatrist think I am a writer. But since my father’s illness and subsequent death, I have not written much. I had this blog to keep me going, as a challenge to myself to write something every day. Sometimes, I would write two to three times a day. But it’s hard work. Some days it is easier to write than others.

My blog gives me a purpose you can say. I write and get feedback. Most times I don’t but I know the readership is there because I am a stats freak. I watch my numbers go up every day. Sometimes it’s the same blog that gets read several times, and that is ok. My purpose has been fulfilled if it helps someone to understand what it is like living with chronic depression, suicidality, and physical pain.