Tag: mental illness

Morning Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Morning Pain

I woke up about a half hour ago in pain. My hip is on fire. It didn’t like the position I was in, though I was not sleeping on it. I was more on my back than my hip but it didn’t matter. The pain is changing my mood and I don’t like it. I know this pain is temporary. I know it will go away eventually, but I am starting to lose hope that it will. I have been in pain since before Dec 1st. That is already more than two weeks, maybe three that this pain has been awful. I know once I start moving around it goes away, a little bit. But waking up to it, is another fucking story. I woke up a few minutes before 0200, went back to sleep and now I am still in pain. I guess the pain meds that I took at 0200 wore off. I am so aggravated! Then trying to maneuver my body so I can get up and write and take more pills just kills me. I am going to call my physiatrist today and see if he can recommend something for the pain. I don’t want to be on another fucking pill but would like some advise as to when this pain is going to heal and I think he would be better than my PCP in helping me figure it out.

Last night I was really beside myself. I didn’t want to take my night medication. Have over 8 pills to take. Three blood pressure pills, antidepressant, mood stabilizer, two anti-spasmotics, stomach pill, vitamin D, anti-inflammatory, allergy pill, OCP, and my anti-psychotic pill. This doesn’t include my pain meds or my Ativan. It like taking a meal of meds. When I was in the hospital, it was worse. One of my blood pressure pills they split in half, so instead on one 40 mg pill, I took two 20 mg ones. I would be at the nurses station a good while, taking each pill, two or three at a time. It was maddening. And my mood stabilizer they didn’t have the 600 mg tabs so I again got 2 pills, 300 mg each. I hated taking my meds every night because it took me so damn long to take all the pills. Now, I take just as many but more pill counts. I can’t win and it is depressing me. I remember before CES, I was just taking one or two pills a day for my mental illness. Either I was taking an antidepressant and my antipsychotic or I was just taking the antidepressant. After CES, I remember taking up to 20 tablets a day!! It was ridiculous. That was because I was taking my pain medication like four times a day plus my anti-inflammatory pill. Once I found out that they had an extended release pill, I got on that. I love this pill because it helps with my arthritic pain and usually my back. I think it has lost its effectiveness on me because I don’t get the relief I once did. I think if it continues, I might have the physiatrist switch me to another one and see how that works. I will still be taking a pill, but at least it might work better in relieving my pain. I was reluctant to do this back in October when I first met the guy, but since having this new onset of back pain, I am will to try something else, it would help me.

Ankle has now started hurting and I have not even put ANY type of pressure on it. I didn’t stand on it. I just sat up in bed. The stupid mysterious pain that I get every single time I wake up in the morning. ARGH!! Right now, my ankle pain doesn’t hurt as much as my back hip pain. I really am having terrible thoughts of hurting myself with all this pain. I just want it to end but I don’t think it will. I am losing help that this temporary pain is going to last. But I will say that as long as I can wipe my butt, I am happy. It’s when I can’t do that, I get worried that something more serious is going on. But like I have said before, the pain isn’t radiating down any of my legs or into my butt. I don’t have any problems with my bowels or bladder that are worse than my usual. I don’t have any new numbness or tingling in any of my lower extremities or genitals. I have nothing that would suggest that this is a disc problem, though it very well could be, but it is highly unlikely. I always am on the lookout for CES symptoms whenever I get back pain and it doesn’t go away. I am always worried that I will get acute CES again whenever my back flares up. For more information about this, check out my CES 101 page at the top.

I really wish I had a therapy appointment with my therapist today. I really could use the extra support in dealing with my father and this fucking pain. It is draining me so much. Not only am I waking up early in the morning, but once I am up, I usually am up. I don’t usually go back to sleep until later in the morning but I can’t today because I have to deal with my father. Least I don’t have to take a shower this morning because I took one last night before turning in. I was pretty exhausted. I had pork and my GI system doesn’t seem to tolerate the meat anymore. It just went right through me. Thankfully, I didn’t have any accidents. I took some Immodium to ease the gas and stop the runs. I really didn’t want to spend the night on the toilet.

I’m the Problem

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt survivor

I’m the problem

A few days ago, I got a comment on one of my blogs saying that my therapist isn’t the problem, I am. I was bullshit because how could I be the problem when my therapist was the one freaking out over my suicidality. Then I read my blog that was commented on. The commenter missed the point I was trying to get across and was blaming me for my problems because I wasn’t seeing things “her” way. I was “choosing” to stay depressed and suicidal rather than getting my shit together and moving forward. If only it was that easy.

It got me pretty upset. I have been trying to get a hold of my therapist to get her input. I know she is NOT going to blame me for my problems. The whole point of this blog might be kind of stupid but I can’t sleep and it is on my mind. And I know that I won’t be able to sleep until I get the thoughts out.

The fact of the matter is that I have a therapist that freaks out whenever I bring up my suicidal tendencies or thoughts about death. I find it isolating because I can’t talk about these feelings with her. How can I when she becomes so tense and flips out? I feel that therapy should be a place that you can talk about anything in the world that is bothering you. But suicidal thoughts are so taboo that it is difficult to engage in that kind of talk. I have been through this with my therapist for the past 10 years and it is always the same. She starts talking about things that have nothing to do with my suicidality and I am left feeling alone and helpless. So how am I the problem when I can’t talk about how I feel when I know it will be falling on deaf ears?

This commenter also brought out that I am irresponsible, “choosing” to spend my money on coffee and music rather than my bills, which is totally untrue. I can’t make ends meet because I am on limited income and have more bills than I can pay. So some months I buy coffee and my country music because I think I earned that right. I don’t skip a bill payment because I pay for it. It just means that I can’t get to eat out or pay for groceries. I think I am responsible enough to know what to pay for and what is frivolous. I have 5 bills I am responsible for every month and I pay them even though it leaves me with little left over for things like coffee and music. And I shouldn’t have to explain to the internet what I spend my money on. This commenter just has an assumption that is wrong, all because she thinks she is an expert in financial matters.

I use my coffee spending as a reward and my one joy in life. If that is too much for you Ms. Expert, go suck an egg. I am not going to stop spending a miniscule amount of money for coffee just because you think I am being a big spender. I wish I had the money to be a big spender but I don’t. I am on a fixed income every month and have to make do with what I have. I don’t work anymore because I have chronic pain and mental illness that requires at least two hospitalizations a year. But then, if you think that this is all bullshit, try a day in my shoes. I am sure you will topple over the first hour.

My suicidality makes me a “difficult” patient. No therapist wants to see their client die by suicide. No therapist wants to see their client hurting so bad they want to hurt themselves. It is a challenge to the mental health field. I have worked hard on this blog to tell my story and hope that it helps someone. After your bogus comments, I was questioning whether to continue. But fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I am not going to stop blogging because of your ignorance and high almighty attitude. People need to know what it is like living like this, and living through it, though it is difficult, extremely difficult at times. If you can’t understand it, stop reading my blog and go bother someone else.

Who do you turn to when you have no one to turn to?

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, psychology

I finally got out of the house today and went to Starbucks. It was a little rough getting there but I persevered. I wanted a latte and by dog gone it, I was going to get one! It wasn’t as sweet as I was hoping it was, but it did it’s job. And I got some writing done while I was cruising through Facebook and Twitter. It doesn’t make any sense right now, but I think I will work on it later tonight to see if I can make it make sense. It was like once I started writing I “threw up” and my brain couldn’t make sense of the thoughts anymore.

Back and bowels are having a fight as to who is going to win the pain shoot out. I almost lost control of my bowels twice since coming home. I fear that if I do, I will commit suicide. I am that vulnerable.

I tried to bring up my suicidal tendencies to my therapist today but she got all panicky so I dropped it. I could tell from her voice she was not going to be listening to me and just freaking out about losing me. I never felt so low as I did in that moment. I felt like I had no one to talk to about my ideas or frustrations to do with suicide. It’s just up to me to deal with, once again, on my own. I can’t talk to my pdoc, she is out of commission for a while. And the most she can offer me is a hospitalization. I don’t need to be hospitalized, least I don’t think I do. I just want to talk about what it would be like with me not in the world anymore to someone non-judgmental and criticizing. And also, not be freaked out by it. My therapist is a good therapist. She has kept me alive the past 10 years, some how, some way. But she still gets fucking juiced up and down right untalkable when I bring up suicide or feeling like ending my life. If I can’t talk about it in therapy, who can I turn to? Sure I have my blog, but last time I posted a post on being suicidal someone hunted me down to make sure I was ok and scared a few people in the process. I was lucky they didn’t call the cops. So now I am hesitant to put that on my blog for fear of being taken the wrong way. And if I don’t have my blog to vent to, what the hell is the point of writing this blog every day?? I have been keeping things neutral since that incident. I keep to myself and I hardly write in my journal anymore. Since being discharged from the hospital in August, I really have been questioning things. I am unhappy in therapy, with the process itself, and I am not sure after 15 years, it is going to change. I know my medication regiment is stable and doesn’t need to be played with. I guess I just miss talking with someone, and having intellectual discussions with people about psychology and suicide. I miss being in academia. I miss having the research tools at my finger tips. (Call me a geek!) But I no longer have that and that makes me depressed. I know that if I were in school and pursuing my passion, I might be feeling better but I can’t afford school. It just costs too much for a bachelor’s education and I don’t have the money. If I didn’t screw up my student loans, I would be going back to school now. It would give me routine and sociability with my fellow classmates. I sometimes feel like holding a cardboard box in the square and say “college tuition” just to see if I would get a response. Be a fun experiment, from the sociological viewpoint.

I have thought of passing this on to my therapist, but I figure why bother. She doesn’t “listen” anymore…

somehow, someway

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I started writing this blog in the early morning hours but then I fell asleep and deleted what I wrote. Again, I am in pain from my back. I tried massaging the area and that caused me more pain so I know that it is muscular in nature, which is good. I just have to ease these muscles so they don’t tense up on me. I planned on calling my physiatrist to get his input on whether increasing the baclofen will be beneficial or not. Otherwise, I am stuck taking Ativan to calm down the spasms. I cannot be upright, standing, for more than 5 minutes without intense spasms in my back. It’s hard to walk or do anything with this intensity. I have to be better by Friday because I will be carting my father around the hospital for his surgery date. That will be hard to do with a bad back!

I texted my therapist because I was/am having a hard time with all of this. I am not suicidal but staying cooped up is driving me crazy. And I have to go to Walgreens to pick up my BP med. That is one of the last medications I needed refilled. Now I just got to save my money until I run out of the pink pill so I can waste $25 on that. I tried this new prescription service. You pay $14/month and they have your meds on a tier that is HIGHER than what I am currently paying. My pink pill costs $172 for a 30 day supply. There is no way I can afford that with my disability. That is like paying for everything and still have nothing to show for it.

The thing with McAfee has been resolved, thank god. My money was restored to me, in full, today. I am glad I didn’t have to wait 5 business days. I would have been stressed out and worried about fees and such. But I think I am okay right now.

I hope my therapist doesn’t give me a lecture about my back like everybody seems to be doing. They all think I should go to the doctor but the docs aren’t really going to do anything for me because it is all muscle pain. I am not having urinary or bowel problems. I don’t have weakness in my legs. I don’t have new numbness anywhere in the saddle area. I am “good”. I just have to give the muscles some time to heal and I will be fine. Unfortunately, this takes a long time and it is already driving me crazy because I want to go out and write but I can’t walk from here to there without spasms. It’s annoying me! I hate being incapacitated.

My writing friend wrote me an email today with the subject line “Our birthday month”. I could care less. I hate this month with a passion and I really don’t like my birthday. I rather be under a rock than celebrate it. It just depresses me. And what is the point of getting a year older? I never wanted to be older. I wanted to die young and that was thwarted. So now I am a cranky, old bastard. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my chance of killing myself one day, and sadly, that keeps me going. Because if I didn’t have that, I think I would kill myself right now, somehow, someway.