Tag: mental pain

How Far

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

“How Far”

There’s a boat, I could sail away
There’s the sky, I could catch a plane
There’s a train, there’s the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh never come back

There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh when’s it gonna end

[Chorus:]
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can’t
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I’m gonna walk away
And it’s up to you to say how far

There’s a chance I could change my mind
But I won’t, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what’s it gonna be

[Chorus]

Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can’t
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I’m gonna walk away
And it’s up to you to say
YeahI’m gonna walk away
And it’s up to you to say how far

by Martina McBride

I’m the Problem

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt survivor

I’m the problem

A few days ago, I got a comment on one of my blogs saying that my therapist isn’t the problem, I am. I was bullshit because how could I be the problem when my therapist was the one freaking out over my suicidality. Then I read my blog that was commented on. The commenter missed the point I was trying to get across and was blaming me for my problems because I wasn’t seeing things “her” way. I was “choosing” to stay depressed and suicidal rather than getting my shit together and moving forward. If only it was that easy.

It got me pretty upset. I have been trying to get a hold of my therapist to get her input. I know she is NOT going to blame me for my problems. The whole point of this blog might be kind of stupid but I can’t sleep and it is on my mind. And I know that I won’t be able to sleep until I get the thoughts out.

The fact of the matter is that I have a therapist that freaks out whenever I bring up my suicidal tendencies or thoughts about death. I find it isolating because I can’t talk about these feelings with her. How can I when she becomes so tense and flips out? I feel that therapy should be a place that you can talk about anything in the world that is bothering you. But suicidal thoughts are so taboo that it is difficult to engage in that kind of talk. I have been through this with my therapist for the past 10 years and it is always the same. She starts talking about things that have nothing to do with my suicidality and I am left feeling alone and helpless. So how am I the problem when I can’t talk about how I feel when I know it will be falling on deaf ears?

This commenter also brought out that I am irresponsible, “choosing” to spend my money on coffee and music rather than my bills, which is totally untrue. I can’t make ends meet because I am on limited income and have more bills than I can pay. So some months I buy coffee and my country music because I think I earned that right. I don’t skip a bill payment because I pay for it. It just means that I can’t get to eat out or pay for groceries. I think I am responsible enough to know what to pay for and what is frivolous. I have 5 bills I am responsible for every month and I pay them even though it leaves me with little left over for things like coffee and music. And I shouldn’t have to explain to the internet what I spend my money on. This commenter just has an assumption that is wrong, all because she thinks she is an expert in financial matters.

I use my coffee spending as a reward and my one joy in life. If that is too much for you Ms. Expert, go suck an egg. I am not going to stop spending a miniscule amount of money for coffee just because you think I am being a big spender. I wish I had the money to be a big spender but I don’t. I am on a fixed income every month and have to make do with what I have. I don’t work anymore because I have chronic pain and mental illness that requires at least two hospitalizations a year. But then, if you think that this is all bullshit, try a day in my shoes. I am sure you will topple over the first hour.

My suicidality makes me a “difficult” patient. No therapist wants to see their client die by suicide. No therapist wants to see their client hurting so bad they want to hurt themselves. It is a challenge to the mental health field. I have worked hard on this blog to tell my story and hope that it helps someone. After your bogus comments, I was questioning whether to continue. But fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I am not going to stop blogging because of your ignorance and high almighty attitude. People need to know what it is like living like this, and living through it, though it is difficult, extremely difficult at times. If you can’t understand it, stop reading my blog and go bother someone else.

pissed off therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Pissed off therapy session

I took a nap before my therapy session which probably wasn’t the brightest idea in the book but oh well. I usually wake up just before session but this time I overslept and woke up to the phone ringing. Rats! I really wasn’t looking forward to talking to her today, especially after what “didn’t” get talk about yesterday.

I told her I didn’t see the point in seeing her and she told me this was a “place to process things”. I laughed. Really? Because that hasn’t happened in ages!! She dropped the issue and I didn’t want to pursue it anymore as I could feel my anger rising. I seriously don’t think she has a fucking clue as to how I am doing anymore. We spent the majority of the conversation talking about how many spoons are going to be spent dealing with my father over the next few days. That is all she seems to want to talk about lately: Spoons. “Spoons” is another word for energy spent on stuff. I got it from a lady with Lupus and you can read the article here. I thought that paper she wrote was typical of all that I go through on a daily basis, from getting dressed, to taking a shower, to making breakfast, etc.

Lately my “spoon” supply has been low and I guess dealing with my therapist just drains it lately. By mid session, I am wanting out of talking with her. I can’t stand 50 minute sessions with her anymore. They are driving me crazy when I don’t feel like talking. And I don’t feel like talking not because there is nothing to talk about, but because I am tired of the way therapy is. I thought that after a while, I would find therapy helpful and insightful. That it would bring meaning to my life but those are just fantasies that never get fulfilled. Granted the last 10 years have been tough with my suicidality and such. But you would think by now she would be used to it and handle it better. She doesn’t and it just makes me shut down. I feel more alone with every passing session because the one person in the world that should know me, doesn’t. I kept thinking about the Mockingbid song my Rob Thomas. The lyrics are stunningly close to how I feel about therapy. The Chorus is right on target:

Everybody else is smiling
Man, their smiles don’t fade
You don’t even wonder why
You just don’t think that way

Maybe you and me got lost somewhere
We can’t move on and we can’t stay here
Maybe we’ve just had enough
Well, maybe we ain’t meant for this love

You and me tried everything
But still that mockingbird won’t sing
Man this life seems hard enough
Well, maybe we ain’t meant for this love

We have tried everything to keep this therapy going. Consults, different therapy avenues, etc. But they never seem to help. I might get a transference session in where I talk about what is wrong with everything but then the next session is like I didn’t speak at all. Things are back to status quo. It really pisses me off. Now I am just hounded by thoughts of whether I should be here or not and I am again alone in dealing with them because my bozo therapist is too anxious to hear what I have to say. She doesn’t listen and she just talks the talk in circles now. I am not asking her to cure me of my thoughts but not having a place for them is really hurting me. But I understand that therapists have their own shit to deal with. But I just once wish that my therapist of 14 years would take a Xanax and let me talk. Otherwise, I think I will just give up therapy once and for all as much as it pains to be even type these words. There is getting nothing out of it if you cannot share your inner most, darkest, thoughts.

I have been down this road with my therapist for some time. It is a well beaten path. I just wish she would restrain herself some and listen more to what I have to say than get all bent out of shape when I mention suicide, or being gone, or leaving therapy. A seasoned therapist should know how to do this by now and I shouldn’t have to write this blog to get the message across, yet again…

I can’t sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I can’t sleep

I had another sneeze attack today that left me in more pain than I was. So another setback. This sucks because I can’t move. Just turning in bed hurts me. Sitting hurts me so I try and do as little of that as possible. Which means I don’t spend as much time playing my game or on Twitter as I would like. I really haven’t been on Twitter other than to update saying my back is caput. This has been going on for almost a week now. I was doing better before the sneeze attack. Now I have to continue to rest it to feel better.

I have no new symptoms that would worry me that I need to see a doc ASAP. I have no weakness, loss of bowel or bladder (no more than usual), or new numbness. In other words, no red flag symptoms of CES. I am glad because I really don’t want to have another surgery. I think this is just muscle related more than anything. I just wish the muscle relaxants that I have been taking would work enough to ease the pressure a little bit. I have been taking two different medications and I still have not found relief, though all it does it make me sleepy. I somehow lost two pounds with me not getting around as much but that is because I haven’t been eating as much either. I just am not hungry at times. I think I am down to just two meals a day and that is all. So I guess that is good and that I am not starving at the end of the day. My appetite has been decreased. I really don’t feel like eating because the movement hurts too much and because I am depressed, I don’t really know what I want to eat. It just is so difficult when it shouldn’t be.

I am so very tired but I can’t sleep because of pain. I really can’t wait to have my therapy session on Tuesday. I would ask for a Monday appointment but she usually doesn’t have one available. I just feel the need to talk. Next week is my father’s surgery. I hope my back is better by the end of next week or it’s going to be tough. I also have my eye appointment but I will put that off too if I can’t get around. I am not going to push through it like I usually do. I will for my father’s surgery but not for my eye appointment. I am glad I have my pain medication but it doesn’t seem to be helping with the pain so I am not using too much of it. I really wanted to go out and get a latte today but after the trip to Walgreens to pick up my prescription, I was in agony.

It’s 1 am and I still am not tired enough to sleep. I feel really depressed that I am awake. Lately, I have been having the feeling of a weight on my chest. I think I know some of it has to do with my financial situation right now and trying to finagle how I am going to get my meds for the month. I have three I have to pick up tomorrow. Then I have to refill my bp medication. I am almost out of that. It will not last another month. I can try and stretch it out but the way my blood pressure has been running, I don’t want to chance it. Funny how it is lousy at home but at the doctor’s office it is normal. Drives me crazy. Maybe I do need a new machine. I want to get a wrist one but those are $45. I think I will be able to afford that next month. I had to pay extra for my cable and cell phone bills because I was behind on them. I still am trying to play catch up without having to rob Peter to pay Paul. I really would like a job that I get at least a 100 bucks a week. But with my back and leg issues, I don’t see how I can be working.

At least I am not suicidal or planning my death. I still want to be dead though. I just don’t have a reason to live. Voices have picked up a little bit. They have been nagging me to write this or that. Luckily I can type and they don’t bother me as much. They can be so nosey at times!